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I finally came to the realization today, that I can no longer socialize with people anymore.  I need to stay away from all of them.  I will have to isolate, which is very bad for me, but I have no choice.

I no longer have close friends.  My inner circle of close friends have all become deceased since I moved to my new place.  I am alone in the world, adrift, with no anchor to hold fast to.

I have become an easy target and where I live there are certain people that will actively seek me out and bully me.  If I either go to social events or even just to my mailbox and trash bin I am at risk.  So, I only go out of my apartment late at night. When I am seen, they will swarm me and pepper me with bullying, mean-spirited remarks, but that occurs after they try to draw me in nicely.  I see the niceness and am drawn in with the hopes they will finally come to like me, only to be blind-sighted shortly thereafter. Because this has become a pattern and a history is being established now, I know now it will not change, so I have to change myself and my behaviors and availability.

What outer circle of friends I did have, have dropped me due to not being able to go out with them, due mainly to my agoraphobia.  Lost one last night, I knew her for 4 years. She said she will no longer contact me as I cannot go out and do social things with her.

My only social interactions are with volunteers that take me to doctors offices and back home again.  I rarely see them again and they do not ask personal questions. So with that in mind, the volunteer drivers are safe zones.  It's getting back to my apartment safely from where the driver lets me off, that is the danger zone.

Just started work with a trauma therapist.  She wants to immediately start with EMDR, which I am accustomed to, however, I just met her and need to build up trust first.  And the appt is only for 45 minutes and it takes awhile to get me in and out of the EMDR trauma mode.

I am very sad today as I sit here watching people walk back and forth outside my window. 

 

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I know what you mean by feeling adrift with no anchor..I also have no close friends, nor any motivation or interest in socializing anymore. It's not due to anxiety or bullying, just more depression and feeling like it gives me no benefit. I always end up disappointed, putting out all of the effort and no one reciprocates, people just disappear or forget about me. I feel like I matter to no one. Majority of these relationships are just fluff really, nothing more than surface interactions which I resent.

Can i ask why people are bullying you? Are people really outwardly taunting you or do you have a lot of paranoia & fear about that happening?  I hope the EDMR is helpful, I've never tried it and curious to hear if it helps you.

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13 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

I know what you mean by feeling adrift with no anchor..I also have no close friends, nor any motivation or interest in socializing anymore. It's not due to anxiety or bullying, just more depression and feeling like it gives me no benefit. I always end up disappointed, putting out all of the effort and no one reciprocates, people just disappear or forget about me. I feel like I matter to no one. Majority of these relationships are just fluff really, nothing more than surface interactions which I resent.

Can i ask why people are bullying you? Are people really outwardly taunting you or do you have a lot of paranoia & fear about that happening?  I hope the EDMR is helpful, I've never tried it and curious to hear if it helps you.

Hi Blahblah, love your nick !!!  It has been pointed out to me by others that I am actively being sought out and bullied.  I wish I knew the reason.  I have also been told I am too nice and that makes me weak and vulnerable and possibly the reason for the target.  Another said I am very young to be living here and the tenants resent my youthful appearance compared to theirs, which I find laughable.  I am 67 and they are all over 80 years old.  Also, the majority here have been here over 10 years and have managed to make close clicks and sororities.   The bullying activates my PTSD which causes paranoia and fear about living here.  I just moved here 9 months ago and at my previous residence, none of this occurred, so this is due to the tenants here and is an isolated occurrence, as I have never experienced group bullying.

When I start the EMD, will post my experience here. 

I share your feelings over the lack of motivation to connect with others.  I, too can relate to putting out alot of effort and having no one reciprocate.  I send out text messages here and no one responds. Me too, I join with you in that it feels like I matter to no one.  I have been estranged from my sisters.  I reached out to one just two weeks ago and ... no response.  I have been estranged from them both since 2004.

Thank you for responding to my post, I really appreciate that you did this for me.  I need to find a black sheep avatar for my picture as that is what my mother put on all my Christmas packages. 

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So, I am back to avoiding people again.  I peep out and always fall prey to the abusers who live here and go thru terrifying emotions after that.  For a person that has not gone thru what I have, someone would think I am blowing things out of proportion.  However, when I get to this level of fear, it turns to terrifying and then on to catastrophic thinking which leads to imminent death by misfortune at someone else 's hands or I will drop dead due to all this high anxiety.

 

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