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My depression feels like needing sleep aids to sleep and never being able to go back to sleep after a few hours. It feels like it's always hard to get up. It feels like I am in a zombie, half asleep state for much of the day and tempted to try long naps. It feels like both sadness and apathy. It feels a little better at night but always going through the same pattern. It feels like high anxiety that easily gives me panic attacks (I take Ativan but need more or something different).  It feels like hypochondria, often worrying what else I might have since I feel so bad (am actually getting my bowels checked out for problems). It even feels weird to eat sometimes. Lastly, it feels endless and like every day is a real challenge to get through. 

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My depression is mostly characterized by anhedonia and lack of motivation and lack of interest. I literally could waste my life in bed. When it is particularly bad, I feel a blackness within me and my body feels like lead. I sometimes describe my depression to "normal" people as being like running through deep mud while everyone else is running on the grass.

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My depression is very hard to explain, I will do my best to. 

I suffer from adhd, depression, anxiety, and capd. 

I feel veerrrrry slow cognitively. And also have very bad anxiety and depression. Extreme lack of motivation, I have hypersomnia, and insomnia. 

My depression is chronic, it doesn't come or go in waves, it just is. And it sucks. Ssri and snri don't work so we are trying maoi now. My chemical imbalance most likely lies within dopamine, and norepinephrine, which is probably why most meds don't work. 

So back to how exactly it feels. Well put it like this. It feels like a Coke addict withdrawing from there drug, but constantly. Definitely dysphoric instead of euphoric. Or... 

Have you ever really been looking forward to a particular event, and everything leading up to it sounds awesome and exciting, and right as your about to go to this epic event. Last minute your told you can't go. Right there in that instant you experience a drop in dopamine. (dysphoria) ya so it's that feeling, but chronically. 

You release dopamine when you eat food and have sex. My depression is the opposite of that feeling. 

OK maybe it's not as baaaad as a Coke addict withdrawing, but it's the same principle. 

Starting parnate (maoi) in 2 weeks. God please let parnate make me feel even a little better... 

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Years ago I invented a metaphor for describing my depression. You find mention of it in the intro blurb to this board - the Abyssal Inn. Beneath the immense pressures and the endless dark and cold at the bottom of the sea, at the bottom of a pit at the bottom of a subsidence at the bottom of the lowest trench, lies the Abyss. The Abyss is a pit of impossibly inky blackness, absorbing all light and energy. Nothing that goes into it ever comes out. I am drawn to it like an anti-moth to an anti-flame, and I stand at the stone ring at its edge and stare into it for hours on end while it sucks away at any positive energy I might have, leaving only a negative miasma. I have stared into the cursed hole for over 35 years. During that time it has sucked away any almost all sense of pleasure I could have in life - even the ability to have pleasure. From time to time I contemplate simply stepping into it and being consumed, but each time the Angel of Death comes and stops me, reminding me that he has a prior claim (he also enjoys a good game of rummy). I have stared so long into the Abyss that I have become a part of it, and it of me, and there is no escape. Even when not staring at it, I feel it pulsing at me, summoning me back.

It is Utter Despair.

Sometimes I feel my heart beating within me like the ticking of a clock, counting the excruciating minutes of my life as I hang on by my cracked and bleeding fingernails to the edge of hope that somehow, sometime, I will be able to break free and live without suffering. But the pull of the Abyss is relentless, and my grip is slipping.

How long I can survive it I do not know.

 

Nevertheless, I have tried to make things comfortable for all the other people whom the Abyss has drawn down, and constructed an hospitable Inn around it as a place of respite. If you find yourself there, please feel welcome to find one of the overstuffed chairs in the lobby, drag it over to the fireplace, and put your feet up. Dinner at the Philipe's Pelagic Café is served at four bells, and a saucy mermaid chanteuse performs in the Full Fathom Five bar during cocktail hour.

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Mine feels like my body is made of lead and my head is stuffed with cotton, I can't think clearly and the simplest tasks take an immense effort. Everything seems pointless, even eating. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and self-loathing and repetitive thoughts of self-harm. Sometimes it feels like the world is ending.

Edited by Juniper29

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Nonspecific sense of dread. Irritability amps itself up. Anger generally follows. Ruminating becomes rapid and exhausting, which then keeps me from falling asleep. Once I’m finally asleep I’ll fight waking up; even when “awake” I might as well still be asleep due to fatigue and the inability to think. I then realize that I’m just a shell of a person and the self loathing rolls on from there.

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7 hours ago, jt07 said:

My depression is mostly characterized by anhedonia and lack of motivation and lack of interest. I literally could waste my life in bed. When it is particularly bad, I feel a blackness within me and my body feels like lead. I sometimes describe my depression to "normal" people as being like running through deep mud while everyone else is running on the grass.

This is very much what mine is like

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Like I'm not even alive. I barely grasp onto existence, but living, I have no clue what that even is. As far as I am concerned, it is just another facet of humanity I can't have. I have no memory whatsoever of not being consumed by depression. Nothing to look back on to build even the most miniscule degree of belief and hope that things will ever change for me in a way that isn't getting worse. 

Physically drained, weighed down by invisible lead and bricks. Can barely keep my eyes open, and to be frank, it is hard to care enough to try to. In fact, I don't really care about anything, that's apathy for you. 

The only thing I have any real motivation for is something I can't have, besides that my own death is all I have any motivation towards or interest in. In fact, I'm obsessed with it. Suicidal preoccupations swirl and swirl around in my brain 24/7, I even see it when I am asleep, and most of my so called waking hours are spent on active suicidal behaviour that I don't bother to mention or tell anyone about, why when nothing can be done to make it fuck off for once? 

I have spent months meticulously planning my suicide. The only reason I am physically alive kills me inside because I can't have it. Being alive, or so that is what everyone else calls it, seems like nothing but a bunch of irrational trash to me. I often ponder upon the philosophy and genuine supposed irrationality of suicide, wondering if it is that at all, and if it is actually the methods used to keep us here that are just plain insanity. 

I believe my existence has no purpose whatsoever, and is completely meaningless, and it doesn't disturb me at all. 

I have zero understanding towards people who enjoy being emotionally numb and dead. I have been that my whole life thanks to this illness, and it has taken much from me. Every activity I do is worthless and so mundane that it is disturbing. I get no stimulation from anything, and the failure that comes with persistently trying to or even just knowing that other people can is the bane of my existence. 

I'm more like a robot or zombie than an actual human. Due to other illnesses, I have come to believe punishment is necessary to continue the arduous ordeal of survival. 

I have absurd levels of guilt towards taking resources from people who could actually benefit from them, and towards being a hopeless dependent on the system that has truly fucked me over in every way possible against my will. I don't consider myself to be deserving of anything except punishment. 

However, that also applies to various treatment methods I have had the misfortune of being subjected to. I don't deserve to be treated like a criminal for being ill, so even though I spend most of my time in a crisis, I refuse to reach out again out of self-protection. It isn't like being suicidal is taken seriously where I live anyways. 

I just put up with it myself. I am used to it, and it has shaped me into what and who I am today, as has depression overall. I am virtually non-functional when it comes to activities of daily living and responsibilities. 

I am very self-critical and beat myself up psychologically constantly. I believe I am a failure, and that everything I do is a failure or inadequate in some way or another. 

The most fucked up part of depression for me is that I have been stuck in it for so long that I accept it as part of my personality. I have given up all attempts to so called get better, I have wasted far too much on it to no avail. 

I don't and can't believe anything positive said about me. Gaining support is impossible. I am so alienated that no one really understands what it is like to be limited to this degree. My depression is considered so long standing and severe that is a disability that causes substantial impairment in every day life. 

 

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8 hours ago, argh said:

Nonspecific sense of dread. Irritability amps itself up. Anger generally follows. Ruminating becomes rapid and exhausting, which then keeps me from falling asleep. Once I’m finally asleep I’ll fight waking up; even when “awake” I might as well still be asleep due to fatigue and the inability to think. I then realize that I’m just a shell of a person and the self loathing rolls on from there.

Yes the inability to think straight is one of the hardest parts. So awful for simple things to seem so hard. Fighting staying in bed is also really hard to do. It can feel like you just want to do nothing. 

The loss of interest in eating also concerns me a lot. I used to be a great eater.

Edited by MatthewPA

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Panic attacks all day today. I am out of money and my depression and anxiety feel worse every day. And I have a colonoscopy on Sept 26 to worry about.

Edited by MatthewPA

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My depression feels like a 500lb weight on my back.

If you have 5 or 10lb weight on your back, you slow down but for the most part you can still function. Increase that to 50lb and you slow even more, probably start choosing to do different things and maybe skip some tasks. At 100lb it starts getting hard to breathe or do more than the bare minimum. When the weight is 500lb, you can't move, can't roll over. It hurts to breathe. It hurts just to be. 

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A constant feeling of a flat mood with dips into such lows I can't function or cope. No motivation or desire to do anything and even if I did my feelings won't change. Like as this is all my life has ever been, this is how it will always be. No matter what I've tried I know I'm wired wrong and I will have to feel like this forever. 

Edited by Raspberry
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