How do you go about most of your days when you're feeling totally ignored, neglected, unloved, lonely, invisible, and useless, like you don't matter to anyone? I can accept that I will always have depression (and the emptiness & struggle that comes with that) that i must (and do) treat, but it is becoming more and more difficult to accept that I don't deeply matter to anyone but the 2 people that gave birth to me (who will soon be gone).
No one else gives a damn. No one is really truly there for you (especially when the chips are down). This is where much of my suffering comes from and why life often does not seem worth living. Does having "self-love" make up for this pain & isolation? And if so, how do you "love yourself"? I already do millions of "self-care' activities everyday, regular therapy appointments, read too many self-help books, and I still have this crushing pain, emptiness and self-hatred inside.
Do any of you here successfully function in an "Open work environment"? Seems it's the norm in the workplace now: no cubicles, no offices or privacy. Only a big open area where you are squished by coworkers along long tables 24/7. It is loud, anxiety producing and distractable, especially for introverts with MI like me. Coworkers hear your phone calls, see your computer screen....and supposedly, this "encourages better communication" whatever....
I used to work at a place set up like this, couldn't hack it. Looking for a new job, but I'm really afraid that all places are like this nowadays and it makes me super anxious. I WISH I could work mainly remote, but it's not a possibility with most roles, or unless you've been at a place for a long time. (I don't do tech/programming work that can be done remote)
Would you decline a great job in this environment? Or would you try to negotiate set remote days up front?
Since starting Wellbutrin last august i have felt fairly stable as far as my depression goes. I have felt normal and sometimes almost upbeat in a way that did not slip into euphoria. I started taking Ritalin last year or this year due to insurance issues with my nuvigil for narcolepsy. I also had a......traumatic?? life experience where I learned that my husband had cheated on me and may have gotten this girl knocked up. We are trying to work things out, and I've been dealing, but it is hard. It constantly plays through my mind. She is always between us. That had a big triggering effect on me. Since then, back in April, I have been utilizing my support group and working on building myself back up and redefining my reality. It is a lot of work, but I have managed and I am learning to deal with it better.
Lately though, I have felt my anxiety crawling up. I have also been super emotional. Crying for no obvious reason (in that moment, i will be fine and then something as minor as a sigh can trigger tears). I am aware that wellbutrin can cause issues with anxiety. Mine has always been very high though. Can anxiety cause you to cry like depression does? I'm not saying I'm not depressed right now....Just...I don't even know what I am trying to say or ask. I can't think. My thoughts are so disorganized right now. I did have two cups of coffee this morning..
One day I'll be perfectly fine and stable. The next day I may be overly emotional. The next day I may be good again. The next,awful or bad. I started keeping a mood chart about a month ago and it looks like an active seismograph! From day to day I cannot say how I might feel. To my knowledge I have not been diagnosed with rapid cycling anything, but my pdoc is still getting to know me. I was already medicated when I started seeing him with tweaks here and there.
I've also learned I do not deal well with change. My husband started a new job and works as a mechanic during the day and a tow truck driver on nights and weekends so it feels like he is always gone. It going to take a lot of adjustment and I have not been handling it well.
I've spent the last year applying for jobs and I cannot get hired anywhere. Part of me is thankful because I"m not sure how I would handle working around people, but a part of me is highly disappointed because I want to work. It feels so controversial. I do not want to just bum around and be completely dependent on anyone, but at the same time I am TERRIFIED of getting into the workforce again. I haven't worked in years because I have been home caring for children. Now, they are all in school and I worry, if I find a job then who will be home with them when they are sick? Who will take them to appointments? Things like that. What if I get a job and I can't control my emotions? I break down or have a very irritable day/s? I stay irritable. I always have. I can fake the happy personality, but I won't excel at my job doing that I don't think. I learn slow. I would once again have to adjust to something new. I avoid watching most tv, and listening to a lot of music as well as being around most people because I'm worried I'll be triggered into one emotion or another and not be able to pull myself out of it.
People have asked me more than once why have I not applied for SSI?
It seems so final I guess. I guess I'm worried that there will be no turning back if I do that. What else am I going to do though? I'm not doing anything currently except for being a money pit. I need to do something to help our household. I feel...what is the word...inept? useless? I'm not sure. I do not even know if my symptoms are uncontrolled enough to qualify if that is a thing. Do you have to be constantly uncontrolled to qualify?
I am sorry the post was so long. I apologize again for being all over the place. I needed to get all of that out, but I had no idea how.
I tell everyone that "I am fine." /sigh
Tonight, a close friend hurt me very very deeply and it was done with intention and mean-spiritedness. She knew just how to push my button.
As a knee-jerk reaction, I cut her off. I also went so far as to deactivate Facebook, Messenger, I blocked her phone, along with many others, to reach me. Then I went outside my door where I have a shelf for plants, and moved all of them inside my apartment, took down my wreath on my front door, no more welcoming messages.
I am now officially cut off from everyone, and I don't care.
I call this survival. People have been maliciously picking at me all month. Oh and I am keeping my blinds and curtains closed. I truly want to be left alone, to recover from this trauma, I've had enough in my life.
I am starting on new medication and will start therapy on Friday. I need to draw into myself and take care of myself to protect me from this onslaught of unbelievably mean tenants where I live who seek out to harm.
I will no longer participate in group activities here. I will come and go only at night to do my business when everyone is asleep. I will no longer answer any questions about myself, nor look anyone in the face when I happen to pass by them,n or answer should they reach out to me.
I want to try Nortriptyline again, but my psych doc is hesitant. He prescribed me Seroquel and Abilify but my pharmacist refused to fill them, advising not to take them together at my age (67). I used to take Pamelor for 30 years and where it did nothing for depression, it controlled anxiety, panic disorders and managed migraine.
Waiting to hear back from my psych doc today if he will approve Nortriptyline. I need to sleep. I need something to help with agoraphobia, terrible anxiety and panic. Everything I take activates anxiety and panic. Leaving my home is a battle with fear.