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Do others with C-PTSD typically find themselves fixated on getting revenge against the one(s) who traumatized them? Sometimes I worry that I might be a clinical psychopath...not really sure of much these days. Other times I wonder if maybe I'm a sociopath. Not sure how that would even be tested. 

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Yes. I try to get my mind off those thoughts. I don't think it's a healthy mecanism. I don't believe there will be justice served, ever. I tried to believe in God, in karma, or something, but I simply don't. I don't think my abusers will ever get what they deserve.

Instead I try to think what I thought before being so traumatized: they already feel so bad about themselves, they already have it hard just being who they are. Their way of being and existing is monstruous, people who did nothing to protect me even though they knew are monstruous too. Each to their own, I try to think. I'm on a path to healthy, honest relationships, they're not, so they won't find true happiness ever in their lives.

I just end up resigned. The only way I can deal with these feelings is resigning, I won't act on them, I just acknowledge them and try to let them be withouth feeding them too much, 'cause it doesn't do me any good, even if in the moment it does feel good, in the long run it's not good for me. It's getting better with time, but I guess I'll always live with this, to some extent.

I've also worried about being a sociopath 'cause of all this hate and fear they put into me, and all the anger I feel. But after some time away from my last abuser I just know I'm not, I'm actually very emphathetic, I just couldn't deal with what they did to me in any other way apart from being very, very angry. But if you feel you could be one, try to get a diagnosis. Are you going to some kind of therapy, psychologist or pshychiatrist?
 

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Posted (edited)

That's nice to hear. I wished I could leave it in the past, but in my case by leaving it in the past, I'm allowing someone's present and future to be ruined, possibly forever, so getting justice feels like....an obligation/responsibility. I know it's going to fuck my life up worse than it is already...I just don't care. I'd honestly rather die than let them get away with it. My whole family is gone because of them. I've scared all my friends away. Just got laid off. ...For the first time ever, I feel like I genuinely have nothing left to lose; not tied down by anything. Finally in a position to do what I've fantasized about doing for years. ...It's not really my intention to make the world a better place...but make the world a better place I would be doing. Planning on turning myself into the police afterwards. Nobody has the right to take the law into their own hands including me....it's just that in this case my abusers are above the law and would never be found guilty in a court of law. They'd get away with a slap on the wrist for criminal negligence, despite the bodies of the ones just like me who didn't survive. It'd all just be called a "tragic accident". Mansluaghter at worst. .......Fuck the law. 

And no; not currently in any kind of therapy. Tried it before. Pissed me off. Don't do it anymore lol. I have my own ways of coping...they're just not normally deemed, ahem, "socially acceptable" lol =P 

Edited by 204

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