AirMarshall

IF YOU ARE THINKING OF SUICIDE...

59 posts in this topic

It seems so recently that I sat on my dorm room bed in the dark and read it over and over trying to sob quietly so as not to wake my roommate-- God, I was in so much pain.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone, ever, and I'm sorry so many of us have to go through it--

I just finished my first year of college with BP. There were many nights that I cried until I had no more tears. Unfortunately I had no idea what was wrong with me and I thought I was going crazy. I was having psychotic episodes, but I didn't know what they were and I thought I was losing my mind. I found this site this summer after I was officially diagnosed with BP and social anxiety (at school they told me I might have BP, but put me on prozac anyways, which actually did make me go crazy). I am so glad that I've found this. It really helps to not only know that I'm not the only one out there, but also to have a place to talk about issues in a lighthearted environment.

Your comment really hit home for me... all those long nights wishing I was normal,,, I still have them almost every night.

I just started Lamictal a month ago... I'm hoping it will kick in and help me before I have to go back to school..

I want to enjoy my life instead of struggling to survive it. sad.gif

ain't that the truth!
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It's funny, because that website makes the reader go through it and try to talk them out of what they are about to do. What about those of us who are bipolar and partially psychotic, and actually want to kill ourselves? The last thing I want to do is fucking read through a god damn letter about why I should or shouldn't do something. When I'm in my "I want to die" mood it is never out of depression; it's always out of rage!

Fuck you and your fucking attempt at keeping me alive, asshole. It's you and my fucking family that keep telling me I should not do it because 'life will get better' and 'you will hurt the ones you love if you do this'.

FUCK THE ONES I LOVE! I live with this shit every day. How selfish are they to not let me be happy, so they can remain happy themselves? They don't want to face the pain of the death of a loved one, yet I am the one to hold all that pain in.

FUCK everyone, and fuck the world. I wish we'd all die and go to hell. At least I have some experience there; I might be able to tolerate it much more than the average person.

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Actually, your love ones would be shattered if you killed yourself, and their lives would be worsened significantly.

Suicides blows families apart for generations after they happen, I have seen it. So if you do it, you will fuck all of them big time, plus you will never, ever have a chance to feel better. And feeling better is possible, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

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hmmm...I had a look at the original link, and it's basically a rip off of this one, which is one I found ages ago and I prefer it to the shortened/kinda cheesy one referred to in this thread. Having said that, anything that helps someone in their time of need is fine by me...

http://areason.org/

@takemetospace

I agree with you. When I'm suicidal due to despair/depression etc...then reading that kind of thing might help. But when I'm suicidal due to rage and I'm just so angry and I don't want to deal with this anymore...at that point, I've pretty much lost the ability to reason and reading something like that would likely make me more angry and resentful. I don't think there's anything that anyone could say at that point that would help...the only thing that helps is to either get the anger out such as crying (angrily), writing down my thoughts, kicking or hitting inanimate objects (the concrete fence outside my house has copped a fair bit of abuse), listening to really loud music, going for a walk (kinda have to as I get all agitated and can't sit still), using some of my emergency lorazepam stash to help calm me down etc...

All those can help relieve a bit of the intense anger during those times, but the only thing that has really helped me has been to look at what is causing all that anger. Asking myself where is all this anger coming from? digging up all the dark reasons and feelings and dragging them into the light...it's painful, and slow, and it drains my energy so that I have to take frequent breaks away from it. But I have noticed since I've been addressing these things that my rages have reduced somewhat.

I also get angry at my family...why should I have to suffer just so that they won't? I can't deny that they would suffer, because when my best friend killed himself, I saw exactly what it did to his family, and what it did to me. But it still seems so unfair. Sometimes I think that my brothers would be able to handle it better, so I promise myself that once my parents pass away, that I will be free to do it. But that's at least 20-25 years away...I know it's a horrible thing to think, but it does give me some comfort that I won't have to suffer like this FOREVER.

And finally, there's my cat. She is the one good thing in my life that keeps me going. And when I think of her, I also think of the animals at the shelters where i volunteer...and I remember that there is some point to me being here. I doubt I've ever really bonded or will bond with anyone, as much as I do with animals. I like that animals don't lie to you. They are honest about whether they like you or not, they don't have hidden agendas, and you have to work to gain their trust and also to keep it. I like being around animals, and (unfortunately lol) I have to be alive to do that

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Actually, your love ones would be shattered if you killed yourself, and their lives would be worsened significantly.

Suicides blows families apart for generations after they happen, I have seen it. So if you do it, you will fuck all of them big time, plus you will never, ever have a chance to feel better. And feeling better is possible, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

So who wins? Who has happiness at the expense of the other? Am I supposed to suffer because it's my duty to make my family happy for having me around? Even if they're miserable because I make them miserable, because they have to watch out for me all the time? Or can they take a god damn death and move on with their lives and not be a bigger pussy than I am.

It makes me sick to hear my father tell me that suicide is 'the cowards way out'. As if he had any idea what I go through on a daily basis, and he's judging me? Then he has the 'right' to tell me that if I kill myself I'd be disrespecting my family. Like I give a flying shit about him or his guilt trip antics?

Not directing it at you, crtclms, just raging over how my family treats my condition. i can't even isolate myself from them because they always find me.... it's like a prison I can't escape, and they promote this MI thing like it's no big deal and I should just 'get over it'.

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hmmm...I had a look at the original link, and it's basically a rip off of this one, which is one I found ages ago and I prefer it to the shortened/kinda cheesy one referred to in this thread. Having said that, anything that helps someone in their time of need is fine by me...

http://areason.org/

@takemetospace

I agree with you. When I'm suicidal due to despair/depression etc...then reading that kind of thing might help. But when I'm suicidal due to rage and I'm just so angry and I don't want to deal with this anymore...at that point, I've pretty much lost the ability to reason and reading something like that would likely make me more angry and resentful. I don't think there's anything that anyone could say at that point that would help...the only thing that helps is to either get the anger out such as crying (angrily), writing down my thoughts, kicking or hitting inanimate objects (the concrete fence outside my house has copped a fair bit of abuse), listening to really loud music, going for a walk (kinda have to as I get all agitated and can't sit still), using some of my emergency lorazepam stash to help calm me down etc...

All those can help relieve a bit of the intense anger during those times, but the only thing that has really helped me has been to look at what is causing all that anger. Asking myself where is all this anger coming from? digging up all the dark reasons and feelings and dragging them into the light...it's painful, and slow, and it drains my energy so that I have to take frequent breaks away from it. But I have noticed since I've been addressing these things that my rages have reduced somewhat.

I also get angry at my family...why should I have to suffer just so that they won't? I can't deny that they would suffer, because when my best friend killed himself, I saw exactly what it did to his family, and what it did to me. But it still seems so unfair. Sometimes I think that my brothers would be able to handle it better, so I promise myself that once my parents pass away, that I will be free to do it. But that's at least 20-25 years away...I know it's a horrible thing to think, but it does give me some comfort that I won't have to suffer like this FOREVER.

And finally, there's my cat. She is the one good thing in my life that keeps me going. And when I think of her, I also think of the animals at the shelters where i volunteer...and I remember that there is some point to me being here. I doubt I've ever really bonded or will bond with anyone, as much as I do with animals. I like that animals don't lie to you. They are honest about whether they like you or not, they don't have hidden agendas, and you have to work to gain their trust and also to keep it. I like being around animals, and (unfortunately lol) I have to be alive to do that

Sorry to hear you're going through the same thing I am. I realized a long time ago that I really don't care what anyone thinks. I'm not living because of my family; I really don't know why I keep going. I guess it's just the same routine, you know? Or that there isn't a gun in the house and cutting doesn't work (I pass out).

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@takemetospace: This is a support site. This is not a place where you can threaten suicide over the internet and get pissed at people who are trying to stop you. There are people here who genuinely want help. If you're looking for a place to rant, there are sections on this board for it [i.e. the People Suck board] or you can start a blog. Otherwise, stop trying to turn a post intended to help the vulnerable into your nihilistic soapbox.

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takemetospace: You might not realize it, but some of the people here have been on both sides of the fence, so to speak, here. Someone I knew better than at least any of my classmates in high school killed himself while we were off at college (he went to a different school than me), and I was eventually told about it because I was apparently the closest person to him - even though it seemed very hesitant on the part of the tellers, as everyone I had much connection to already knew I was pretty sick, and it seemed like people were very unsure as to whether I should even be told. And what I can say is that after that I was just sad on top of my preexisting depression, and then was repeatedly just suddenly hit by pure darkness completely unexpectedly, which repeated itself over quite a period of time. And this was with someone who I honestly did not even expect to see again, except maybe at high school class reunions, rather than with, say, a family member. I still cannot help but specifically remember this at random moments, even though it has been quite a few years since then.

What no one else knew, though, is that I had already made a suicide attempt earlier in school, which was aborted only because I lost confidence in that I would actually have a lethal dose of aspirin available (even though in hindsight I probably did have a lethal dose on hand), and hence did not want to make a needless trip to the hospital, and because even one mouthful was proving very hard to actually swallow. Even after that I tended to have quite a bit of suicidal ideation in school, until my high school friend's actual completed suicide, which mostly put a stop to that for a long time (even though it itself made my depression quite a bit worse). This was until the past couple years, where my symptoms became quite a bit more severe than before (until just recently) and my suicidality managed to come out again full force. This time, though, I have done my best to resist acting on my suicidal thoughts, despite how strong my impulses may be, with what effect I expected it to have on others be one of the few things actually keeping me alive (considering what effect the suicide of someone who I did not even expect to see much again had on me).

Edited by Closure

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Is it considered suicidal thoughts if you know you're not going to act on them.

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whyLuna- I think that would be called suicidal ideation. But that quickly can take a turn for the worse and become actively suicidal.

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Is it considered suicidal thoughts if you know you're not going to act on them.

If you don't want to kill yourself but can't stop thinking about it, it could be OCD. If you'd be OK with dying, for example if you leave your seat belt off half the time while ignoring traffic laws, that can be considered being "passively suicidal." If you just think about suicide and go "yeah, that would be nice but it's not going to happen any time soon" that's suicidal ideation.

I've waxed and waned in and out of various combinations of the three for 25 years. I've gotten pretty good at telling them apart. I'm sure there are other kinds of suicidal thought that go along with bipolar and schizophrenia that can't be as clearly defined.

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Is it considered suicidal thoughts if you know you're not going to act on them.

That is called "Suicidal Ideation". In other words, you are having thoughts about suicide. You may not have any intention, no plan. This might be an occasional thing, or you may have these as "intrusive thoughts" that keep coming to the fore, despite them being unwanted.

It is not 'wrong' to have these thoughts. The significance to your pdoc is as an indicator of your your mental state.

Something I learned from experience was that after being diagnosed and medicated that I was no longer scared or terrified by these thoughts and that sometimes I could make them go away. If I couldn't then I needed to call my pdoc for med adjustment. a.m.

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Suicidal thoughts should eventually go away with the right treatment. I know suicide runs in my family- two aunts, two uncles, one grandparent have succeded in commiting suicide. Several other relatives have attempted, but not succeded. I really believe it can be inherited, mostly in my family due to bipolar, but in the past there was less treatment available. I know lithium has been around a while, but none of my relatives tried it. They suffered in silence until it was too much to bare. I am now on lithium for wanting to jump in front of a bus. I can't stress enough how that those who are considering suicide, to reach out for help. Call your family, friends, a crisis line, a suicide hotline, the samaritans- use all the resources available to you. I used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I found that if I just ASK for help BEFORE the crisis point, others are willing to help me. Don't let pride stand in the way. Tell people you NEED HELP. The relatives I had who killed themselves, I believe, could have been saved by some support. REACH OUT! My aunt killed herself when I was out of state when I was 12 years old, and I was closer to her than I was to my own mother. I think of her all the time and know if she had reached out, she could have been saved.

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Dammit....I just wrote a really heartfelt reply to a post from someone who was talking about taking his own life, and then the thread got deleted (yeah, yeah, I know he was kinda trolling). I don't want my reply to be wasted so I'm putting it here, maybe it will help someone else who is at that point.

------

I see from your profile that you are a young man, and I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now. I have struggled with mental illness and wanting to end my life for a long time. I have felt like a drain on the taxpayer too...but most taxpayers are also parents too, who would not want to lose their child to suicide, or cancer or drink driving, or any multitude of things that our taxes go towards preventing. It's not a waster. YOU are not a waste.

However I don't see debating the values of economic benefits as being relevant at all to the decision to take your life. People, animals...we are worth more than just a dollar value. I also feel like a drain on the taxpayer because I am not well enough to work. But I've found reasons to keep going, for me it is in volunteering and advocating for the welfare of unwanted animals. If that is all I can ever do with my life, then that is enough to keep me going

It might be something different for you. I hope that you can reach out to someone and get some help to recover. You don't know where life may lead you...if you are able to hold on, and ask for help (and I know how fucking hard it is to do that) then in ten years you might be able to give another young person some advice, or a helping hand...and be the difference in that person's life.

It may be hard to believe, but a lot of what you are saying and feeling right now is your mental illness talking...and sometimes it will take medication and therapy to silence the mental illness enough that you will be able to hear your own voice. Maybe there's a little part of you that has always wanted to travel to Argentina, or fly a kite over the Grand Canyon, I don't know.

Please reach out to someone. Every life is has value

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I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has ever worked the crisis line. As someone with severe, debilitating depression it's incredibly comforting to know that people are out there who actually care and can empathize.

 

I've called my local battered women's shelter because it's part of the crisis line...They were very nice and listened to me. I wasn't near ready for an exit plan, but I felt close to needing to be hospitalized--and they listened and understood.

 

So from this crazylady, thank you so much for your kindness :)

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What are the crisis lines like? I've never mustered up enough courage to call one when suicidal. I have phone anxiety and it scares the shit out of me to call a crisis line. I don't know what to expect.

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What are the crisis lines like? I've never mustered up enough courage to call one when suicidal. I have phone anxiety and it scares the shit out of me to call a crisis line. I don't know what to expect.

There are also suicide crisis chat networks, which I could see myself using, unlike the phone lines (I have phone anxiety too). Here is one of them which I happen to have bookmarked, but I know there are many more out there: https://www.imalive.org/

 

eta: That one I linked to is allegedly staffed entirely by volunteers who are trained in crisis intervention- if you end up using a different one, I would make sure it says somewhere on the site that the people who run it are trained and/or certified to do so.

Edited by hagar running

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What are the crisis lines like? I've never mustered up enough courage to call one when suicidal. I have phone anxiety and it scares the shit out of me to call a crisis line. I don't know what to expect.

There are also suicide crisis chat networks, which I could see myself using, unlike the phone lines (I have phone anxiety too). Here is one of them which I happen to have bookmarked, but I know there are many more out there: https://www.imalive.org/

 

eta: That one I linked to is allegedly staffed entirely by volunteers who are trained in crisis intervention- if you end up using a different one, I would make sure it says somewhere on the site that the people who run it are trained and/or certified to do so.

 

Oh yeah, I forgot about that site. I've used it before.

 

Thank you.

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It seems recently that I am waging a mental battle between visions of the future with no depression and thoughts of "peace" now through an untimely death. I know I must stay alive to feel whole again.

Relief will come if we find ways to survive each day.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

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The Samaritans for me only listen..'I don't want you to fucking listen, I want you to help me'. If I go to A&E, they'll just send me home...because that's what they do. They make promises that I'm going to get help which is utter bullshit, because my mental health team is on the border of malpractice. I never get help. No one takes me seriously. Last time I was suicidal I took 120 pills of paracetamol and almost died, but because I was under 18, people gave a fuck. 

Edited by StJimmy9151
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The Samaritans for me only listen..'I don't want you to fucking listen, I want you to help me'. If I go to A&E, they'll just send me home...because that's what they do. They make promises that I'm going to get help which is utter bullshit, because my mental health team is on the border of malpractice. I never get help. No one takes me seriously. Last time I was suicidal I took 120 pills of paracetamol and almost died, but because I was under 18, people gave a fuck. 

Do you want to go to chat? Someone there may have an idea. I am in the US and don't know what to say

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St. Jimmy, it sounds like you are dealing with utter frustration as well as the depression. I wish it wasn't so.

Who can you complain to about the mental health team to get resolution?Can you go to their superiors?

Is there anyplace to "walk in" separate from the mental health team and speak to someone in person?

Please don't do anything sudden or permanent.

 

Wishing you peace and strength...

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Endurance, maybe you are in the UK, but if you are not, the UK's mental health care is hardly there. There have been members here in the UK who have been left manic or depressed for months. His healthcare team may have higher ups, but the healthcare team is going to be believed by those higher ups, not the patient. Anything is possible I suppose. But this is a pattern we see again and again on CBs.

I've always wanted to live in the UK. But I don't now, after seeing how bad their mental health care is.

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I didn't know that. I'm sorry to hear it. I hope there will be another positive solution that avails itself somehow.

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