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  2. Regrets, I have a few

    It's really reassuring to hear that you've been able to make peace with your regrets. It's true that everyone has regrets, even those without serious MI. I just wish I weren't so haunted. But I'm starting therapy again after not going for 6 years. I'm hopeful that will help. A lot of my regret having to do with my son is because I have PTSD following an extremely traumatic experience giving birth to him. I'm going to try EMDR and see if it helps. If I had to pick only one regret to make peace with, it would be that one.
  3. Hi everyone. It's been a couple weeks. I promised to update after my genesight test results came back. I was OCD about getting the results because I was so deeply depressed, and desperate. I titrated off lamictal which was making me suicidally depressed while waiting on the results. The mood stabilizer green winner for me...or in my case AAP...GEODON. My pdoc immediately stopped seroquel, and put me on 20 mg geodon in the morning and 40 mg at night. It doesn't make me sleepy. At all. That's the only issue I have so far. It's in the green column, and so far I've had zero side effects. My mood lifted almost overnight. I had a sweet spot of about 4 days where I felt completely normal. It was amazing. My problem, at least I think it's a problem. He also prescribed 20 mg of Prozac to help with depression and OCD thoughts. I historically cannot take antidepressants. They always make me hypomanic. Always. I've been on prozac before, but that was much earlier in my illness. Before I started rapid cycling and having paranoid features. After about a week, I started noticing hypomanic behavior. Most notably, spending way too much money. Not concentrating as much. Taking on big ideas for fix it projects I can't do alone in my condition right now. That kind of stuff. I'm also taking deplin 15 daily, but I seem to manage that with niacin, but I'm wondering is it the Prozac, the deplin, neither or both causing the hypomania? I've consistently stayed on .5 mg klonopin and 50 mg topamax. I want to up the topamax to 100 and start reducing klonopin. One thing notable, I weaned off 300mg gabapentin. I was paranoid it was causing the suicidal depression, not accepting it was the lamictal which has done that in the past. So, my pdoc said ok. Since I weaned off fully about 3 days ago, I've had more anxiety each day. Don't blame geodon on that. I have terrible panic and anxiety problems. So, today, I realized there is no way I can wean off klonopin if I'm already feeling like this or I will start dissociating again, and that is horrific. So, I took gabapentin today. I was supposed to see my pdoc today, which is the longest I've waited to see him. 2 weeks. But...he broke his arms and nose somehow, so my appointment is postponed to next Monday. Meanwhile, sleep is awful. I'm maybe sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night taking Tylenol pm. I have a very limited amount of time doing this before I go full on hypomanic or get very unstable and rapid cycle again. Although, none of this is as bad as it was before, I cannot take anything with Benadryl long term. It has an opposite effect on me. I either need my pdoc to up geodon and add a sleeping med or help me figure something out. I'm not keen on trazadone or vistaril, because doxepin made me rapid cycle severely because it's an AD, and vistaril did the same thing. But, I can say, I think I am one of the oddballs that Geodon loves. Thank goodness. I need at least my main med to work. I am scared if we up it I could get akathesia, but since it was in the green column on my genesight, I think that's unlikely. Any insight or advice for me going into my appointment next week? I loved those 4 days of feeling normal. I know I am so close. I am going to start IOP 3 days a week after I see him next Monday. I think it's time for counseling to deal with how to cope with this disease on a day to day basis, not just during a huge episode like I've been in. I may go to my internist tomorrow and ask for ambien for a week to get me through to my appointment though. I don't know if I can do 5 more nights of Benadryl and not go into orbit. Edit: I've also been doing B12 injections weekly which maybe contributing to hypomania. I'm going to skip next week's dose and take more niacin this week to flush some out.
  4. prozac for OCD

    Used to take Prozac shortly after being diagnosed with OCD. Worked well at 80 (with Risperidone). Zero side effects. I think that the recommended max is 60 mg, but with OCD these are just, well, a recommendation.
  5. I've been on Depakote for two and half years after refusing it since I was first diagnosed. I now wish I'd tried it sooner. But life's not perfect. I also take Cymbalta (off on and due to sexual side effects) and abilify (off and on due to not being able to function at work). I've been on these same meds for awhile, when I used to change meds like every couple months. I feel like I'm doing myself a disservice by saying I'm fine every time I go to the doctor. I'm not fine. My sleep is horrible when off the abilify, and my work is horrible when on it. I'm depressed when off the Cymbalta but have no sex drive when on it. And I have major anxiety that never goes away no matter which cocktail I'm taking. Any ideas what I could ask my doctor to change?
  6. Today
  7. In the past I have been on 120mg but for now 80 seems to suffice.
  8. Is that dosage adequate for your symptoms. I think my doc pushed me up to 120mg just to calm me down.
  9. Have you ever tried Propranolol for the EPS. I didn't get much relief from cogentin and I think I was on 2mg twice a day.
  10. I eat toilet tissue

    More information about Pica, its causes and potential treatments: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pica_(disorder)
  11. I feel guilty whenever I eat. Like depressed, awful feelings guilty. Last night I cried myself to sleep. What's up with me?
  12. I know that feeling...but is it true physical exhaustion (like you just want to sleep all the time) or is it more of a mental exhaustion - you just can't deal anymore? I have times where I've slept great all night, but just can't get out of bed....not because I want to sleep more, it's like I just feel lethargic and just stare off into space...without actually sleeping. Or in the afternoon the only thing that sounds remotely satisfying is just laying in bed....
  13. Funky Music Videos

  14. Thank you blahblah for the kind words. I just feel so stuck and it's so hard to do anything these days! I even feel bad complaining about how I am feeling but I know that their are other people on here that can relate. My kitties are my world! I love them to pieces!! Thank you amskray for the kind words. I hate feeling like this and having all this negative chatter in my head sucks. My meds are not working and I am going to do genetic testing in a month to see if we can figure out what is going on.
  15. According to the Rx guide I read 40 is the lowest suggested dose
  16. What or who is your spirit animal?

    I'm glad I'm not the only person with more than one. Tarantula, Water Moccasin, Monarch. A friend of mine that studies shamanism walked me through the whole 'journey' to find them and those are what appeared, but only Tarantula (Mother Spider) makes herself known often.
  17. Incels are Garbage.

    A number of recent and early mass shooters were self-identified 'incels' that the movement radicalized. They literally weaponize angry virgins into killers.
  18. I am on 80mg Latuda, one month after taking it I started getting Extrapyramidal symptoms which was making my leg jerk and fingers move involuntarily. The pdoc gave me cogentin just yesterday. The EPS from 80mg latuda wasn't that bad but it is bothering me.
  19. Well then........I think you really need to talk to your pdoc about this, since it seems to be really bothering you.....It is hard to pinpoint a single culprit for something when you are on multiple medications... Again, I would strongly suggest to talk to your doc.......It is impossible for me to answer whether low dose Latuda or 20mg of Abilify would cause less sexual problems for you, since everyone is different....... It might not even be the Latuda causing your problems, it could well be the Trazodone. IMO, your doc is the most qualified person to discuss this with.
  20. I am contemplating asking my pdoc to go back on Latuda instead of of Zyprexa because I can't tolerate the weight gain. I was on 120mg of Latuda before and felt great mentally. No paranoid thoughts, no delusions, clear thinking, able to work, etc.. The only problem was that when I got to 120mg about a month later I started to get uncontrollable leg movements. Cogentin worked off and on, but eventually I couldn't take the leg movements anymore. So I stopped Latuda. I never tried Propranolol, because I never heard of it till I came across this board. So maybe that would work. What dose are you on at the moment? What dose of Latuda at the minimum will start treating psychotic symptoms? If you have had side effects like muscle movements, what do you take that works to get rid of them?
  21. Provigil questions

    I took 100 mg of Provigil maybe 2 or 3 times per day. It's been quite a while so my memory is a bit hazy. It was not terribly strong for me. I could and did many times take it and go right back to sleep. At that time, there was no generic and it was unbelievably expensive and my insurance finally balked at paying for it. Ritalin was much cheaper and more effective for me. I hope it helps you. You will know soon.
  22. Incels are Garbage.

    I don't dismiss it as being internet only. But I'll bet you it became a "movement" because of the internet. Of course, people program themselves and each other (reinforce each others beliefs) and that magnifies the hate, and it is bound to have real-world consequences.
  23. Ok......You said you switched to the Latuda due to weight gain from the Abilify....I can understand that. But, did the Abilify cause any sexual dysfunction for you while you were taking it?......You haven't said whether it did or not.
  24. I have quite a few voices that seem to have an external origin. One of my voices says it is a Ghost (it even tells me its name is Julia). It also shows me a mental image of a volume control that it has, and occasionally uses. But recently I have begun to think that there are not several characters at all, but just this one Ghost, who uses different voices to pretend that there are more than one being talking to me. I have challenged it to let me hear two voices at once, but as yet this has not happened. The disturbing thing about this Ghost, is that it claims that it edits what is heard, and turns down the volume of what the other voices hear. It has even gone so far as to claim that there are a number of good Ghosts trying to help me, but they hear the wrong thing and so they can't. Does anyone else have voices equipped with a volume control, who swaps words so the listener hears something different from what5 was said, and who utilises editing?
  25. I switched the abilify to latuda in the hopes that latuda would cause less weight gain. I don't really know if latuda did cause less weight gain for me because i was losing weight on abilify but that was because of diet not meds. I was very surprised that 20mg of latuda worked for me because i took 80 mg at one point and it had no effect. But I guess when you are really stable and your life has less stressors anything seems to work. But as you same abilify is a fairly high dose and latuda a low dose. But latuda messes with prolactic and abilify doesn't. So the question of which would be better, a high dose of abilify or a low dose of latuda in regards to sexual dysfunction remains.
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