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About yellowlovesgray

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  1. Straterra didn’t work for my ADD and it also makes me nauseous and it makes me violently puke. 😥 I don’t know what’s wrong. I feel like ADD is an issue but I also feel like I have massive anhedonia. I’m seeing a therapist tomorrow because my psychiatrist wants me to see one because of our prescribing laws here, but I don’t know what she’s gonna tell me that’s useful. Bleah.
  2. True, I keep trying to force myself to work but when I sit down I just cannot focus. Like to the point where I don’t know how to do what I do almost. And I’m actually really skilled at it, but I open software I’m certified with and have used for my entire adult life and nothing makes sense. Like it’s almost painful to try to untangle and sort out. I do think a huge part of it is my ADD but the non drum meds just do not work for me and make me nauseous and it’s become really hard to get stimulants here. Argh.
  3. I’m so grateful and in love with that part. I just can’t work and I need to get back to it. 😕 I’m self employed and having trouble just getting started again.
  4. yellowlovesgray

    Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    It was never a thing for decades living in Dallas, when I moved to San Antonio the laws here had just been changed. Just saying to be careful about this, there’s a lot of changes starting up in many states that are completely new because of the “opioid crisis.” If it hasn’t happened in your state yet that’s great. I never had a problem filling them either until I suddenly did. The process is even different here now. You HAVE to see a therapist to determine you have ADD or anxiety, then you have to submit proof to a psychiatrist and make an appt and you MIGHT be able to get a benzo or stim. It’s hard to find appts here and those two appts can be months apart. not sure why a therapist is in charge of this now but ok. I’d never heard of this process before. It’s less than 2 years old.
  5. I can’t decide if I’m being lazy or if I’m still depressed. I took Adderal, Clonazapam and different ssri’s the last decade and was forced to withdraw last year. for the first time in the last 10 years I feel a lack of despair, hopelessness and sadness. It’s consistent too. And I don’t “worry” about things. but that’s what concerns me. I can’t be bothered to work (I’m self employed), do even really basic things or do anything physical for “fun.” I just lay around and sleep all day and watch Hulu. I bought a bike and was so excited sorta about it coming but I can’t bringmyself to ride it. I mean that’s still depression isn’t it? Or is it not? im literally confused about how normal life and functionality works without meds. I’m exhausted. No desire to work and I’m a workaholic with a fun creative job. I’m being a teeny bit social after not doing so for years and that’s good. but I don’t feel like this lack of give a damn and motivation is normal. It’s like I’m just apathetic to everything but I’m blinded by how chill I am. Thoughts?
  6. yellowlovesgray

    Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    Thought I'd update this thread because my mom's former employer just had this happen to him, too. He'd been taking Xanax for years, then he got a divorce and moved and nobody would fill his prescription in a new city. They gave him 3 tablets and told him to go to rehab. The family is of money so they were able to choose which one and chose one in another state outside of Texas. This is a thing, ugh. I think this is just gonna be the future. It was long withdrawal I was having - I drank two beers a day while the tremors were at their worst (I know, it's just SO uncomfortable), and was finally able to go without completely yesterday. it's still slightly bugging me enough to not be able to work but I'm applying anyway that way it'll be in the process by the time I'm near 100% again. I'll just rebuild my business when I'm better if I still feel like doing that.
  7. yellowlovesgray

    waking up trembling?

    Yeah Iceberg's pretty wonderful that way. Thank you Iceberg, whenever I post here your posts make me feel like I'm truly not alone.
  8. yellowlovesgray

    Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    Exactly - she didn't seem to understand (well nobody seemed to understand) that I needed to earn money to pay them for medical care because I couldn't even do my work that I do from HOME because I was in such a terrible state. I've been staying with my mom for almost a year and I've been agoraphobic, I've left the house to go to doctor's appointments and lunch/dinner with my family. And I didn't even do that with my family until about June or July. They seemed to not get.it. at all. I'm 38 and I had to walk into appointments with my mom so she could pay for it with my sister's credit card. They can't afford this but the doctors didn't seem in any hurry to help me get on my feet so I could go back to working and didn't see how that was affecting a quality of life and that it was bad for my mental health. I couldn't make decisions or get myself to leave the house. I no longer even have a checking account, I'm using my paypal debit card. I'm so angry about the whole thing.
  9. yellowlovesgray

    Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    Exactly. Not gonna bring it up, it'll just be cause for terming me and I'm doing fine on the buspar. I think it was post acute withdrawal, thank you for bringing that up to my attention. I honestly feel better than all the years I was on clonazapam so that's good to know. I still wish this withdrawal hadn't been horrific but it is what it is.
  10. No this is a new cocktail and I'd never taken buspar before. At my last visit I told her I felt a tiny bit better so she said all she could do was increase the dose. I'm going to tell her it eased my symptoms and that treating my thyroid more aggresively probably helped too because I have Hashimoto's, and who knows - that could be part of the problem with the anxiety. I don't think phenibut is a magic cure all solution for anxiety, I think the my body had become dependent on the benzos eventually and they stopped working on the anxiety, and then stopping cold turkey caused the long withdrawal. Either it worked as a taper or it worked like an emergency benzo would to stop whatever would causing those symptoms. I don't intend on using it again I just needed the jerking convulsions to stop and they did. I think she's awful but honestly in this city she's done better than everyone else I've seen and I find it disturbing. It IS highly unprofessional and unethical but that's the reality right now here.
  11. yellowlovesgray

    Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    Yeah they helped a little over the years but they wouldn't touch this when I tried it this year. I hadn't been on an SSRI in a long while and I think CBD oil has played a factor in helping my depression, but I think this was actually still withdrawal. It was post acute withdrawal syndrome but they didn't know what that was. Someone here told me about it and it fits to a T. Thankfully that teeny dose of phenibut stopped it. Now the buspar is working fine and I feel great. I've lost everything though because I wasn't functional this year. Last year around this time a business publication named me one of Silicon Prairie's Most Influential and Inspirational Entreprenuers and I've pretty much lost my business. I have a lot of refunding to do and I'm gonna have to pray I don't get sued. I'm disturbed that no medical professionals would help me, even when I stated I didn't care if they gave me the benzo, I just needed to be functional. My pdoc even said, "Yeah but what's functional?" Honestly I'm angry and wanna not use her anymore but realistically I'm scared of the future so I'm just gonna lie to her to save face and say that I just magically got better so she'll keep prescribing me the buspar for anxiety. I stopped taking everything else. I hate that I have to resort to all of this and I've never lied to a doctor but I jsut don't trust the medical community's judgement right now.
  12. Thank you. Yes I'm seeing a psychiatrist, this is my second one here - they just didn't care to help me with the withdrawal for some reason and neither did the ER 4 times and they acted very put out by my asking. My psychiatrist seemed really really upset personally and seemed angry. Buspar works on anxiety for me but it was useless against the hardcore panic I guess and withdrawal. That's what upsets me, I reached out for help SO many times over the year. I've been medicated for over a decade in another city and they acted like I was just drug seeking for funsies. These are BIG cities too -- I lived in Dallas before and now I'm in San Antonio, TX. It's on the news all the time here how prescribing has cracked down because of the opioid crisis. They're just not prescribing anything scheduled here. It's a very very large medical industry here too and nobody's saying anything about how dangerous and shitty this is. I get that doctors are being scrutinized for this and face prison time but they're the same doctors that prescribed this shit and told me to not ever go off in cold turkey because it's dangerous. I don't see the AMA publicly outcrying how dangerous this is on any real level. I've never lied to my doctors before but I'm going to now on my appt. Wednesday to save face so my pdoc will keep prescribing my anxiety meds. I'm going to tell her I magically got fine and not mention the Phenibut I took.
  13. Thank you. I went CT in January, then a few months ago someone did take pity on me and gave me a couple of them. But from January to July it didn't get any better really. Or from July until now. It was long. I lost my business and need to reconcile things with clients. A year ago exactly my city named me one of Silicon Prairie's Most Influential and Inspirational entreprenuers. Eventually I can rebuild but I have a lot of apologizing and comping of work to do, I probably have to pay back a lot of money on projects I haven't finished and just pray someone doesn't sue me. It's a fucking mess.
  14. yellowlovesgray

    Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    I finally broke down and took a tiny bit of Phenibut the day before yesterday and they stopped. I think it was really bad withdrawal and anxiety. I'm just taking the buspar right now but I haven't had the trembling that I've had since January. This was kinda traumatic for me, I'm freaking out a little bit about taking anything at all I'll grow a dependence on because it could in theory be yanked away at some point. I don't trust any of the doctors down here and I've been seeing pdocs for over a decade. I'm just going to tell her my thyroid is being more aggressively treated and what she gave me made me feel better and I didn't start the Lithium but I'm ok. Because I do feel normal. I only feel up and down when I take a stim for ADD but they're not prescribing those here either. I don't think I've ever lied to a doctor before.
  15. I went to one in July and they looked at me like it was impossible for it to be withdrawal. My pdoc there was a dick and I kept telling him how anxious I was and my history with Clonazapam, etc. but I think he thought I was drug seeking too. I was talking quickly because I was panicky but he swore I was just manic. He just kept saying he wasn't going to prescribe a benzo. I paid a lotta money for those 4 days, too. Of course I'm just happy to be better but I didn't work all year and had a high deductibal and so many ER visits, copays, etc. I hit my out of pocket max, which was over $5k. Which is what it is, I just wish they could have helped me in January so i could at least work most of the year.