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About sonicwhite

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    The great unknown

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    In your neck of the woods.
  • Interests
    I love Ministry. I have a passion to do the will of God. There is nothing in this world that can fill that hunger....I'm going back to school and I'm not making any excuses.....I love my cat's. Yes I am a cat man......

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  1. In 2017 I was yanked off three mg a day kpin. I fired the docs and got back on the script I had from the previous doc and weaned myself from that summer to March of 2018. It was a lot easier given that fact I went thru hell for three months off such a high dose. Ive been clean since April of last year and hardly even think about it anymore. Yes I have anxiety but I never want to run into that situation where I have no control and have to come off of it again. It can can be done I promise you.
  2. In 08 it was clearly pedophilia OCD. Yes the cannabis made me lose it but after that I ceased smoking it and it started to latch onto thinking I was dead. The the main reason I say it’s OCD because of the excruciating amount of anxiety. I can’t read the Bible cause any scripture in it will trigger me. Even John 3:16. For God so loved the world nada nada you get the picture. Others with other scruples thought have a hard time thinking they’ve blasphemed the Holy Ghost. Every doc ive seen doesn’t even know there is something called Pure O. Benzos are not the answer tho. I will never go thru that torcher of withdrawals again. Yes they are powerful and effective but they numb you to where you feel nothing and if you ever run into the situation of being taken off be ready for Dante’s inferno.
  3. It’s so hard to find a doc willing to write benzos for someone like me. I tell them my history w drugs because I believe the truth will set you free. Maybe im setting myself up for failure cuz I don’t lie. Gearhead sometimes i cant even function enough to get out of bed. My health is truly failing me, I’ve spent the last ten years in a deep hole of despair. I cant stand Christians saying I need more faith or that I’ve got some hidden sin in my life or I need to read the Word because that will help. Not understanding thag i suffer at the hands of these devasting illnesses.
  4. In 08 I was dealing with a lot. I was having a hard time where I was living. I just quit my job. The obsessive thoughts of POCD WHERE REALLY frightening and terrible. Out of a desperate try to get rid of what I was going through I decided to smoke some weed. I took one hit hit and was thinking I was actually dead. I thought nobody in my life was real and that I lost my salvation. The delusion wore wore off only to return the next day without smoking. The POCD thoughts completely vanished as I was consumed by the thoughts that I was dead. Doctors didnt know what qas up. They started throwing AD and AP at me. Nothing was working until I tried klonopin. From there the massive anxiety and delusions left on a left as soon as the pill hit. In 2010 I found a doc willing to write klonopin for me. From 2010 to 2017 I was fine, I was depressed but fine. In 2017 I was yanked off of three mg a day. Everydau day was a battle for my sanity. I fired my docs got back on the script and weaned myself off. It’s been months since I’ve had benzos and I enjoy the fact I’m living without them but when the flashbacks happen I start to freeze up. A cool breeze comes over me. My heart starts beating sand I think I’m dead standing before God. There are many accounts of ppl losing it after smoking weed. Has anyone here lost it permently and sufferedat the hands of this powerful drug? https://spiceaddictionsupport.org/i-felt-like-i-was-dying-and-like-would-never-see-my-family-again-ank/
  5. sonicwhite

    What would you call this?

    Anyone have this experience or something like it?
  6. Ok so many of you know that when I posted on the religious forum how happy I was. Well long story short I stopped all my meds which was risperdal 6 Remeron 45 Zyprexa 5 and clonidine. I felt felt like something was telling me to stop them. I was getting more and more psychotic by the day. I remember how happy I was. I started to feel joy and emotion again. I was texting my gf all the time about how happy I was. I would step step outside and feel and see the sun and would say this is heaven I can see Gods Glory light up everything. My roommate had dug a hole in the yard a few years ago for a pond and there is water in it and i was thinking that was hell and I could see it from heaven. I finally went to impatient and we started the Zyprexa again. just recently I stopped hearing the messengers from the TV and I stopped believing in the delusions but folks this isn’t fun anymore. i has zero anxiety while I was like that. Granted I didn’t sleep for three weeks straight but I was withdraw from a heavy amount of Kratom. i can kinda see why ppl with a psychotic disorder Don’t want to take there meds. Now I’m back in this boring world suffering. can someone explain how these things work because I haven’t really been like this before but I would love to go back there.
  7. Ok, I was doing completely fine well not completely fine from 06 to 08. I remember in 06 after my psychosis I would smoke weed and it would throw me into a mini derealization episode. I would think that that I was in heaven and stuff like that. Very freaky stuff. In 06 I also gave my life to Jesus. I stopped all drugs but my roommate would still smoke weed thus tempting me when I started to get anxious. I was fine for the the most part enjoying my new found relationship with Jesus. But when I would smoke I would be in a totally different world. Sometimes I would think that really this world was Satan’s and that he was just wanting us to suffer. But as as soon as the high would go away I would come back to reality but would be left with anxiety for a few days. One time right right before I quit my job I smoked and I thought I was dead and that I had no hope of going to heaven. I snapped out of it and was ok until May 08 when I started to have POCD. I was very disturbed by the intrusive thoughts I was having so I smoked weed and bam! I thought I was dead and my OCD has latched unto this theme ever since. I cant read the Word without it triggering me. Sometimes I can go months without this but if my anxiety is bothering me I can easily get triggered. Now now when I do have these spikes or flashback I think I’m dead and the hot flashes I have are hell. The anxiety just tells me that this is my suffering. Now my trauma trauma from the past always haunts me. I can’t seem to get over whatever this is and my head goes around and round of what it is.
  8. sonicwhite

    Can Someone help me

    Well I the doc never gets into it with me. I’ve never had a psych doc really dig down of what I deal with. I am dx PTSD and OCD. In 08 I had Pure O obsessions that I was a pedo. And one day I smoke a bowl of weed and I spiked and thought I was dead and at Gods Judgment. From there I have struggle with this Thorn. When I got on klonopin in 2010 the thoughts went to background noise. Ive only come to understand the derealization when I have this spike or flashback. when I see my new doctor I’m going to make sure they hear it from my own mouth of all that I suffer.
  9. sonicwhite

    Can Someone help me

    I’m transitioning from a old untrained DO to a MD. It’s not that I don’t like her. It’s a community center that doesn’t give benzos and stuff like that. I’m actually next month going to OU Hospital to see a new doc. I’m going to have all my record from Hennessee Associates to my new doc. My doc passed away in 2015. And things went down hill from there. I no longer do drugs anymore. I stopped them in 06. This is more bloggish JT. But what I was getting at is what has triggered me. So i get it out so I go get this poison out of my heart. It hurts so bad that my heart drops at least a couple hundred times a day. No no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I was given yall a run down on what i I deal with. If i if I could pick the dreams or flashbacks I would pick Heaven.. I don’t want this terrible thorn in my flesh. Unfortunately fortunately it keeps me humble.
  10. When in 05 I thought I gave my ex HIV. I called 911, I walked around OKC contemplating suicide. I walked like twenty miles. Before this happened me and my and my roommate where driving to a place to go see the results of a blood test. I was doing pure ice everyday. When i got to where we where going I was getting my blood pressure checked. My heart was beating so fast that she had to walk out of the room and go get someone. From there I was so paranoid that I walked out without getting the results. My roommate had to go to a dental place up the road and that’s when I started walking around OKC. By this this time the psychosis is starting. I hear my ex screams. I start to walk around OKC. I walked at least twenty miles in no certain direction. Finally I got to the clubs I was working at. From there someone picks me up. When we went to his apartment and there was a pay phone. I called 911. The person that picked up on the other line was a K9 officer that I stole cocaine from in 04 that was to train his dog. When the cops came they were all wearing gloves. The officer asked me if I had done any drugs. I told him yes and that I gave my ex HIV. BTW. I don’t have HIV. I asked him if he could take me to a hospital. He did. When I got there they took me to a room and as I was waiting I was too afraid to get the blood test. So I walked out into the lobby. I could hear the TV. It was telling me I was about to die. From there the officer that patrolled the hospital told me to calm to calm down and leave or I’m going to jail. After making a scene in the hospital I was taken to jail on a bench warrant. From there I go to the very top floor where murderers are. The second day I was there I see this guard and I write on a piece of paper that I gave 3 women HIV. By this time my mind was losing it so bad that it was drifting into relationships I had years before my ex. I give him the piece of paper signed by me to say here ya go. I’m ready to be executed. i get out after 5 to 7 days and go back to the club cuz my roommate came and picked me up. I thought i was I was in a dawn of the dead movie that had cannibles and zombies in it everywhere. I took Five ecstasy and tried to end my life. I walk to the gas station and start making a scene. The cops came and beat me up. I went back to jail and when I got there I was asked how many did I take and I said five. I was thrown to the ground. I believe I was raped because as I was held down I saw the other guard pull his paints down. I screamed I have HIV as someone penetrated me. Then I was thrown into stretcher and ran through the jail. They stuck a catheter in me on purpose and pulled it out w the balloon open. Then I was thrown into the Ambulance and a man got on top of me and I was so combative that I thought they where about to kill me. They shot me up in both forearms with a jet injector and took my blood. I remember looking up thru the skylight in the Ambulance and I said Father please forgive me if my sins in Jesus name. Then a huge peace came over me and I fell asleep. The Moral of this story is that I have OCD spikes and flashbacks that I’m actually either dead or of those moments I thought were my last on Earth. When the spikes happen my heart drops and I have this huge fear that I’m already dead and at Gods Judgment. When I snap out of the flashback I’m left w a very large and excruciating amount of anxiety. I dont wish any harm to those who have done this to me. I pray the Lord convicts them and they come to the cross of Salvation. I can never forget being lost and then then being found. Love is the only way.
  12. The rain that falls Splashed in your heart Ran like sadness down the window into your room The space between Our wicked lies is The hope to keep us safe from pain Take my hand 'cause we're walking out of here Right out of here Is all we need dear The space between What's wrong and right Is where you'll find me hiding waiting for you The space between your heart and mind Is the space we'll fill with time The space between The tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more The space between our wicked lies Where we hope to keep safe from pain The space between The space between
  13. Like there's never been a louder mouthShould have never been allowed a mouthNow that I got a higher power now when I blackout, power outageThey powerless, but they crowd aroundThey tend to flock like shepherds, the black sheep