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coraline

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About coraline

  • Rank
    you and your third dimension

Profile Information

  • Gender
    female
  • Location
    floating in space
  • Interests
    Music. Creating art via paint or what ever strikes my fancy. Reading and writing,even when it's bad.Exploring the universe and possibilities beyond my mind. Doing whatever it takes to get and remain stable all while cursing the ones who throw meds at me and challenge my thinking. Moonlight and stars. The sky and its ever changing colors. Being near and walking on the beach preferably tropical,although I do enjoy my local ice cold waters. Collecting things I find..rocks,puzzle pieces,cards,bread ties,pamphlets,sugar packets,change..maybe I'm a mild freegan klepto. Anything Hello Kitty.Helping and supporting people even when I'm not feeling well myself. Venturing into the outdoors when possible. I have an awesome red cruiser bike named Vera I ride in circles,straight lines,ocasional left and right turns.She has white wall tires and peddle breaks and a kickstand and is easy going and we've been on many adventures. I have a wonderful loving doggie named Bailey that helps me get through tough times and can always bring a smile to my face. We go on walks around the lake and enjoy cuddling on the couch. He has an obsession with pine cones and hunts them down in the yard then does a flying leap into the house so happy.

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  1. coraline

    Happiness

    Bailey my dog brings me a sense of happiness.. Or more like comfort.. His wagging tail and shenanigans make me smile... We have conversations and enjoy each others company.. He gives me hugs and kisses.. Our walks are a moment when I feel connected to the world however brief..But it brings me joy.. He knows what's going on with me and will try to make me feel better.. I depend on him as much as he depends on me.. He follows me everywhere..I love him dearly..
  2. I think my ex is trying to steal my identity..

    I got a strange text from a number I didn't know today and they said I'd contacted them..

    When I hadn't..I looked up the area code and number..

    One of the people was the name the guy gave me who had a criminal record..

    So my ex must be paying him..

    My ex knows a lot about hacking..

    I read about how they can use your number to steal your identity..

    I know that there is a plot against me..

     

    1. coraline

      coraline

      This morning my mom noticed she had all these expensive charges on her credit card she rarely uses..

      I think they are out to ruin us financially..

      We are very low income..

      So they are now screwing with my family..

      I know there's something going on..

      I'm terrified..

  3. My tdoc cancelled my appointment tonight..

    She is ill..

    But my mind is telling me she hates me and doesn't want to see me..

     

    I'm such a worthless mess..

    1. DammitJanet

      DammitJanet

      People get sick. It’s flu season. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

    2. Juniper29

      Juniper29

      I'm sure she's just sick but can totally relate to thinking it's personal. Sorry that you had to miss your appointment, that's hard. 

  4. I'm glad you're trying to calm yourself about your husband.. I know how hard it can be to not freak out about things.. Keep trying to focus on the good.. I'm sorry you're living in such a scary place in your mind.. I hate that you're being haunted by all this.. Try your hardest to relax..
  5. I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't trust my tdoc who has a holistic approach to therapy and thinks I'm on enough meds.. I feel like she's been talking to my pdoc and reporting that I'm fine.. That all I need is coping skills.. Even though I feel tortured.. My mind is a mess.. I don't feel understood by her.. I'm starting to not trust her.. I can't hardly function enough to implement the new coping skills.. I spend my days just hiding away.. The last time I saw pdoc she mentioned putting me on another aap.. But I refused because I'm stubborn and stupid and have trouble taking meds.. Everything I'm going through is my fault.. I can't deal with my own mind right now.. It's just getting too much.. I see pdoc soon and feel like she's going to be against me.. I feel like she's going to think I'm drug seeking to get out of this.. I don't trust her.. I feel alone in this battle.. Like I'm shutting down and am just going to keep suffering.. I feel like there is no hope for me..
  6. I just want to give up..I don't feel like anyone is on my side fighting for me..I don't trust anyone anymore and think everyone is never going to help..I feel like hiding away..I see pdoc soon and just don't want to bother saying anything..

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. coraline

      coraline

      Thank you all for the support..I'm just freaking out right now..feeling like I have nobody to turn to..I feel left in the dust and scared..

    3. Butterflykisses

      Butterflykisses

      Even the world may seem like it is crashing down and you feel your words are not important, they truly are. We are here for you!

    4. coraline

      coraline

      I'm always grateful for having here to turn to..

  7. I'm struggling allowing myself to be completely honest in therapy.. I don't lie..I just can't get myself to open up.. I have a tendency to just go along with what she's saying.. I have trouble stopping her and asking questions.. I'm in therapy to learn coping skills for psychosis.. It is very challenging.. I'm not in the best head space right now.. I am going through a lot right now.. There are things I need to bring up regarding what I'm going through.. Voices I'm hearing.. Paranoid thoughts.. Plots against me.. Something I believe to be a monitoring device I'm hopefully getting removed soon..But whose to say they won't put something else in there.. But I'm scared to bring this stuff up to her in detail..because I don't know what the outcome will be.. I was scared when she said she would be in contact with my pdoc about things.. Which makes me want to stay even more vague.. I'm just not sure how to trust her..or be open.. This is a new relationship..I've only been going a short while.. Can't remember..I'm bad at time.. I just need advice on how to not be scared to be more open..
  8. I have similar issues but I tend to sleep on the couch for hours on end... Just hiding from exhaustion from hearing voices that torture me.. I can hardly get anything done.. There's days I can do things but it takes so much to get me to.. Most of this motivation comes from my mom.. Maybe your husband can try to motivate you.. The new tdoc has me writing in a planner.. I've really been slacking..But I try putting at least one thing to accomplish..like do laundry.. I try not to overwhelm myself by putting too much activities in there...because I know I will just feel worse if I don't do them all.. Another thing she has me doing that helps me when I can get myself to do it.. Is journal what is going through your mind when you're feeling this way.. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't do it daily..you can do it when you're up to it.. I'm not sure if it's a med thing.. It could be depression..But what kind of makes me think it's not is the psychosis.. You could be exhausted from dealing with it.. It could also be that you are sedated..I'm not sure.. I take 2 aaps and always have to control psychosis..and I often wonder if I'm sedated because of lack of motivation.. I try my best to accomplish things.. I don't think we are going to end up never amounting to anything..I think our lives are just different.. Can't and shouldn't be compared to other people in the land of the living.. We are not less than other people.. Try to remember that your life matters just as much as anyone else's
  9. I think my pharmacy is monitoring me.. I'm getting scared of picking up meds.. Klonopin to be precise.. They scan my id as if to make sure I'm taking it.. I want off this med.. I'm getting scared that they are controlling my mind on taking it.. I always wait until the last minute to refill it because I can't face picking it up.. I'm going to tell my pdoc this and see if I can get off it.. I just can't deal with this anymore.. The long walk to the pharmacy is dreadful.. And I fear the people.. I can barely make eye contact..
  10. I'm sorry you're struggling.. I hope with these med changes you will come out of your depression and avoid hospitalization.. I hate seeing people suffer..
  11. Bailey's vet called..his calcium levels dropped slightly so we have to adjust his supplements..he's getting the same amount of everything except now he's going back to 3 Tums a day..thankfully he likes all this stuff..then back to the vet in a month..

    1. CrazyRedhead

      CrazyRedhead

      Sounds like he just needed a minor adjustment, so if I were you I would not worry too much.

      Monthly blood monitoring is probably a good idea.

    2. coraline

      coraline

      Yes..thankfully it's not a huge drop..he's not in any danger..I was just so hopeful that his test results would have come back better..

      He's getting used to going to the vet at least..he used to not want to go with them and leave me..now I think he understands he gets to see me again..

  12. I'm so sorry something so awful happened to you.. It's understandable to feel so bad..I wish it wasn't leading you down the road of thinking of suicide though.. I can relate though.. Since you're feeling that your med isn't working I'd contact your pdoc.. Explain it's not helping your symptoms..maybe a different med is needed or dose increase.. There may be no need for a hospital stay unless you think you are unsafe.. I hate that all this is happening during this time of year.. I hope you can try to find some peace..
  13. My auntie who I love dearly came over yesterday.. One of the only other people in my life that understands me.. I am in no shape to be social.. But she always tries her best to talk to me and distract me with fun things on her phone.. I was so gone and lost.. I felt horrible..But not judged.. I did her hair..colored it her favorite bright red shade.. The whole time my mind was tortured..it was awful.. I don't know how it came out good..she loved it.. I can barely handle doing it..But I do it to make her feel good about herself.. She's too shy to go to a salon.. I don't know how I ever worked.. And it makes me sad I never will again.. After we had dinner.. It was nice.. But damn my mind was a mess.. I just wanted to crawl under my blanket..which I did.. I'm glad she understands.. I was so worn out and still am.. Doubt I will get dressed or budge from the couch.. My mind is mess..
  14. Waiting for Bailey's lab results..he went in Thursday..so I probably won't hear back until next week..it's nerve wracking..so stressful...

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. deeschmee

      deeschmee

      She always says it so well ^

      I'm sending love and light to you also

    3. CrazyRedhead

      CrazyRedhead

      coraline, sending supportive thoughts to you and Bailey.....If he hasn't been showing any bad symptoms, I'm sure his lab work will be okay.......I know it's difficult to wait, though....

      Hope you have a Merry Christmas..!!

    4. coraline

      coraline

      He's not showing any symptoms..I just watch him like a hawk..and I hate waiting for the vet to call..giving him all these supplements just worries me that I'm doing it wrong..

       

      Thank you all for the support..

  15. This isn't the end of you.. I promise that.. Your mind wants you to believe that right now with everything you're going through.. You are a very a kind soul and you've done nothing wrong..honestly people can get caught up in their lives this time of year.. Try not to take offense to people on Facebook.. I'm very sorry about your brother.. I can only imagine how much you must miss him..But you will always have the loving memory of him.. Hold onto that into your heart..try to always remember him in the best of ways to help you get through this.. You do not need to beat yourself up because of what you're going through.. I know it's hard.. I have the same struggle and thoughts but try to distract from self loathing.. This will not be your last Christmas.. I know that right now you feel that way.. Just hold on and look forward to other days beyond now.. I know you can make it.. You have you're family for support.. And your care team.. And of course here.. Thinking of you.. And please stay safe..
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