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About xanathos

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    loss of enjoyment, i used to like arts, sciences, etc.

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  1. My psychiatrist considered the fact I experience this, and the fact it was the basis of so many 'delusions' to be part of my psychotic illness, but I do think that could be where it started. And no, I'm generally just becoming asymptomatic with time being on the meds I am on, it's crazy.
  2. It's odd... For once in the history of my memory, life is starting to feel more real, and in some ways im terrified. It's still packed with residuum of the dream like fog that feels like a simulation. But it's definitely feeling more real.
  3. I'm still here, life has just gotten in the way. Maybe that's a good thing. I appreciate your concern, and did not mean to worry you.
  4. I'm noticing all the ways in which control plays a huge theme in my life. Currently I have been experiencing mortal salience, and I feel the need to be in control of my deterioration/death. This is part of the reason why I started purging again. I don't condone my behaviours, just stating a fact. Even authority makes me rebel, for example. It is connected to a lot. I don't know if I am ready to recover.
  5. I feel like my life began in my mid teens. Thus there's been only 9 seasons (because this is a messed up tv box full of channels, like simulated). Before that is the prequels/prologue. the 9th season is coming to an end on my birthday. I wonder if the show will get canceled by me, or continue. Or maybe a spinoff show will happen. a friend and I came to the conclusion that it is neither of us as a focus, we're both simply channels to a greater box. Other people that aren't NPCs and aren't actors are lesser viewed channels, or sidestories/crossovers. I'm sick of this stuff really, but so many people are in on the know. I was dealt into a game on this channel without wanting to be.
  6. I'm not sure but I think my birthday would be a better day to do anything... I just distance myself from everyone.
  7. They told me my epival levels were low, and then the entities stopped moving my body towards the edge of the platform when the nurse practitioner gave me a pill doser.... I probably never updated that much. How can I find a proper way to kill myself? If I kill myself, then I wake up somewhere else. If I die by any other means, even if they use force to make me kill myself, then I am erased. I greatly apologize if this is inappropriate, lately I'm deemed as such everywhere. I''ve tried overdosing many a time, and I've been in and out of IP for almost 10 years (give or take). I just want to be in control of my death. The other option is really painful. From binging and purging my oesophagus is starting to tear because there is blood when I vomit. But it's OK because I'm an obese blob. I just want to die.
  8. I don't vary much in pitch, and so I was wondering if this is directly because of my disorder.
  9. I'm really sensitive to weight gain it seems, most APs make me gain weight. My pdoc says that stress and anxiety are making things worse, that I am still doing well. I can see where hes coming from considering I'm not where I used to be, but I'm still struggling. It's hard to change meds now because I am much better than before, and even though I'm struggling it could be so much worse in between switching. I see my pdoc on May 23rd I need to remain on a depot because I forget meds often, no matter what reminders I have. I have been getting thoughts put in my head to go to the ER but that's a step backwards and I feel like they're going to trap me that way/torture me more if I do.
  10. My pdoc wont put me on it because its known to cause substantial weight gain n my meds gained me over 100lbs
  11. @Iceberg It's unusual but I am on 2 depot antipsychotics (abilify maintena and invega trinza) and loxapine as a PRN. @Bad Haiku I totally feel you entirely and I study magic as well.
  12. I think I am slipping. My days and nights have been switched. I am sleeping a lot less more often than not, or sleeping a normal amount at times but during the day. I do not feel elated, but I struggle to remember my mood stabilizer. I take it more often than not, though. I am extremely afraid of taking a double dose, so when that happens I will skip the dose (if I don't know if I took the dose). This can be solved with a blister pack, but I find that is too bulky. I feel split, but not in any personality ("alters") way. (I do not have DID or anything). I jump from "this is real," to "is it?" On a reality level and an unreality (derealization) level. In the moment, it's 100%, outside of it, anywhere from 75/25 to 50/50. I feel like there are breadcrumbs of truth that this world is a simulation/a lie, that entities really do run it, and they constantly punish me. And still, conveying this to anyone IRL is tough because I get nervous and smile, almost embarrassed/anxious of their reaction. It makes it seem like I am joking. The embarrassment stems from both the fact I KNOW this causes silent alarms to go off and make me seem off, but also because if I'm actually off... then it's embarrassing to be so. So much ambivalence and conflicting feelings/thoughts. Moreover, why can I not smile when it is an ACTUAL good/funny/etc thing, and only smile out of nervousness? Does the fact I am on 3 antipsychotics (2 depot injections and 1 PRN which I fail to recognise when to take it) and still getting residual/breakthrough symptoms make me treatment resistant, despite my schizoaffective not being utterly severe? (though I fail to function... but function better now than before). This is as much as meds have ever worked, with this combo. I spent a good 4-6 months psychosis free (or less), but then it went back to the old baseline. Oddly enough it was moonths after I popped the question as to whether or not I was "in remission." Even my doctor told me I am small time crazy, which I can understand given some are far worse. For example, I at times believe I am infamous (in its most basic definition... everyone knows me for my bad reputation), but not a famous celebrity or infamous like Al Capone. Stress has caused me much problems. The manifestations of stress cause me more stress and then they get worse, in an endless loop. And I am questioning, am I really a schizophrenic? (schizoaffective edition), or am I an oracle? Or, is there not yet a name for what's actually wrong, if any? What if BPD is just a normal reaction to trauma, and trauma makes a person more clairvoyant? Westernism isn't inherently beneficial, but spiritual components can equally be misleading. the truth lays between sciences and spirituality. On either ends of the spectrum, there is a loss of truth. One reality alone doesn't make reality, all realities do. My friends get me more and more, and one friend that may or may not have been replaced with a nonperson says they fully understand now (and now they're trapped on a psychosis ward).