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Hopelessly Broken

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  1. Hopelessly Broken

    polyvagal theory/vagal tone

    Perhaps discuss it with your therapist, he will be able to tell you if its appropriate for you at this stage or not according to his observations. But in general, theoretically it doesn't hurt to have psychoeducation about how trauma impacts the body and the parts of the nervous system it effects for your own understanding, with or without therapeutic input.
  2. Hopelessly Broken

    polyvagal theory/vagal tone

    Not new from what I know. Especially not in the realm of trauma therapies. As far as I know, polyvagal theory and polyvagal exercises are used in the stage of trauma therapy where releasing trauma happens, as a somatic experiencing type therapy to learn better control/regulation of survival responses and physical defense mechanisms, as well as to increase the window of tolerance, especially within the body specifically. I'm nowhere near that stage and wouldn't go near such things with a 10 foot pole, so I don't know much about it otherwise.
  3. Hopelessly Broken


    Do not watch this video if you are eating or drinking, as it may cause you to choke. Don't watch around children, because it says fuck a lot. I don't know how to make it show in video form on a phone, sorry, but the link should work. Unfortunately I'm too apathetic to truly laugh, and I just choked on my ice coffee. https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0
  4. Hopelessly Broken

    did MI make you start drinking coffee?

    No. Coffee nor caffeine have any effect on my mental health at all, I do drink it a lot but I am very tolerant of both, so they basically do nothing to/for me at all.
  5. I wouldn't go as far as to say I hate it, but I do consider it rather trite and empty. It may seem strange, but I actually prefer it when people say nothing or something along the lines of that they heard me/are listening. Most of the time, I don't seek understanding because I'm only kicking myself by doing that. I know that in order to truly understand me, you have had to have gone through trauma yourself and I obviously wouldn't wish that on anyone. I guess for me it is more about being permitted to freely communicate than it is about receiving sympathy and empathy. I appreciate it when others give me the opportunity to have a voice about something that effects my life and wellbeing, and to have a voice at all because I spent so much of my life without one, and often still do, because of trauma. It is very empowering for me to be "allowed" to have my say and to portray what I need to in the given moment in time. It allows me to have more of a sense of control over something that I had none over when it happened and still don't in regards to my trauma symptoms. Its also important in the context of assertive communication about my feelings and things I was taught to avoid when I was a victim, for me that allows me to change my mindset from being a powerless victim to being a survivor, having more appreciation and acceptance towards surviving daily life and also having willingness to speak openly and authentically about what ails me. Just being granted the space and opportunity to even speak at all is something I have come to learn to appreciate greatly, and is something I am always thankful for. A lot of people have no idea how alienating not having a voice is, and how difficult it is to move on from after so many years. In the moment I often find it difficult to thank the people who give me the space and opportunity to have a voice of my own about my experiences, but I am, and always will be, because it is beyond words how empowering it is to be provided that.
  6. Hopelessly Broken

    whatever the weather

  7. Hopelessly Broken

    Safety Of SSRIs/SNRIs

    Trophy, the main part of mental illness is that it causes the person to not be able to deal with those things as well as a person who isn't mentally ill, so even if there are external stressors that contribute to their illness, they will not be able to deal with them and move on unless they receive effective mental healthcare. Something like an external stressor could lead a person with clinical depression or an anxiety disorder, among the vast majority of other mental illnesses to suicide. The whole point of treatment is to prevent suicide, not lead people to it. I know this well, because I am unfortunately dealing with it myself, and have been for quite a while now. The result has been very unpleasant and a huge toll on my already poorly mental health.
  8. Most of the time I just observe and do nothing else. I only try to reduce it if having it is dangerous or has potential to lead to behaviour that I am trying to reduce. By dangerous, I mean if it is necessary to have awareness of my surroundings for the purpose of travel so I don't get lost, or if I need awareness because I am doing something important where not having it could kick me in the face later, I will try to reduce it, although for me that is mostly ineffective and my dissociation, regardless of the type, is impenetrable. But, that being said, I am very much adapted to having it. I understand that is rather uncommon. I also don't find it distressing. Sure, I hate it, but there is no point to me in beating myself up for it, because I didn't ask for it or cause it and life has to go on regardless of it is there.
  9. Hopelessly Broken

    getting off prazosin

    What I would do is have a discussion with your therapist about it, because, really, they will be the best at determining how your trauma symptoms are and perhaps even providing such info to your psychiatrist so that they can make a decent medical decision about whether or not it is appropriate. That's not to say you can't have that conversation, but professionals do tend to like professional, clinical language and conversation between each other to guide treatment. Prazosin doesn't only treat nightmares, it also helps with night time hyperarousal and effects sleep in other ways, I would presume that messing with the particular stage of sleep that allows it to work on nightmares may be more dangerous than you think. Another thing to consider is whether or not you notice if it also impacts day time trauma symptoms in a clinically positive manner. Can you recall the exact things that contributed to becoming more stable with your trauma and is it possible that Prazosin helped along the way, thus that it may continue to in the future? How are your arousal symptoms specifically at this point? Do you still have symptoms of being outside the window of tolerance? Have they changed since being on Prazosin? Your therapist would be the best bet in terms of helping you to figure out what's going on in that regard. Also, does it effect your blood pressure or heart rate? Coming off it may effect those things also if it does. No need to answer me, but I guess my point is that all of these things are worth considering beforehand.
  10. I have much larger problems. Quite fine in my hermit state. I could be alone for the rest of my life and have no complaints whatsoever.
  11. Many internal dialogues for me, too. Many have said I know myself too well. Yes, well. That is the result of what I have been dealt with in the grand old Cards of Life. In many ways I haven't had the choice not to.
  12. I must say that I don't particularly agree with the term disability or deficit, either, certainly not by the neurotypical standard anyways. I have learnt myself as an adult that it is ultimately my autism to own, therefore I am the only one who can genuinely say what either of those mean, and what about my autism actually are those things. To no surprise, what I class as a deficit is not what the outside world classes as a deficit, and what they class as a deficit is not one to me. I say that most of my autism isn't a disability at all, but a set of different abilities. What is a disability resides externally from me, not as part of me directly. Try to get the neurotypical to understand that, I have learnt to not waste my time on it, because they never will. I guess I struggle with knowing what my natural functionality is, because I have always had to deal with mental illness as well, as a result I have never been that functional. It is hard for me to know which parts of that are from me, and which parts are from the mental illness, and at this point in time, why that even matters if I am deemed unworthy of functional assistance. I can understand your defiance of others who don't understand you. I am like that as well, or I would be if I had the option to choose to be that way. That is what most people despise about me most, actually, they think I am a self-serving asshole who cares about no one except me. I think I do deny a lot of my own pain, though, just not consciously. I have a lot of garbage to deal with and I am someone who has a "what's done is done" attitude. The way I have survived all of my trauma is denial of pain in and of itself, because I have been frozen off and detached from it. I see it, but I can't really feel it because I am too numb to. Thus I can deny it is even there to begin with. Plus I deny it by not even calling what I have endured pain. I don't ever openly say I am in pain because it makes no sense to admit that when I feel no such thing. Pain isn't even an impact of what I have endured that I admit to, because if it is there, I can't access it. I admit to my issues, sure, but they are right here with me, so much so that they too have made up parts of what makes me, me. In a way you could say that not letting go of them is a form of denial. Not admitting that I am afraid that if I did, I would no longer be me anymore because at this time I have nothing else of substance about me. I find myself just wanting to be me and having a similar attitude towards the world as a whole. I often wonder what I would be doing if I had the chance to actually be me in entirety, but if I'm honest, that hurts me because I can't be at this time, and when or even if I will be able to attain the resources to do so is unknown. I guess you could say this all part of being a young adult, finding your place in the world, your purpose, etc. All I have found is I would rather not be a part of the world if it denies me of such basic humanity to even be myself authentically, and that the purpose I set out to achieve some 5 years ago when I entered adulthood isn't even achievable.
  13. No, that answer is great, it explains why it was a relief. Not that there needs to be a reason, but learning more about yourself is definitely a relief and I understand that. Somehow for me, being diagnosed hasn't taught me much of anything I didn't already know about myself. Maybe because I was still a child, I just didn't really need a label for what is different about me. I noticed that I am different from a very young age due to the types of environments I grew up in, and my responses to the trauma being extremely different to other kids, and to what was expected clinically. In kindergarten, I knew I was different because the other kids made friends and didn't get bullied, I have never been interested in friends and have always been more interested in learning in the educational setting, I never understood why friends or interacting needed to be part of that, and saw it as something that got in my way of learning. I knew I was different because other kids were more interested in more things than I was. They enjoyed things, and I didn't. They understood each other, but not me, nor did I understand them. So long story short, but I already knew I am different and being diagnosed didn't and still doesn't provide me any information about me that I don't know already. I don't see why I need to fit in anywhere, not saying that is what you're implying, because it isn't, but that desire just doesn't exist in me. Maybe my depression isn't organic, then. That is something I have always wanted to learn, what is actually depression and where does it come from. It seems most of where mine comes from is the trauma and negative shit in my life that results from being a minority figure. Obviously meds are not going to do anything for that. But no one seems to take that seriously. And you're right, no one notices or listens to me when I tell them the connections between my behaviours, cognitive style, learning style and being autistic, they don't want to hear it, because it sounds like an excuse to them. So I guess that explains why I am still stuck here. Would you say it is also uncommon for us to not respond to meds if we are mentally ill? That doesn't come from being autistic?
  14. Which is all good and well when there is actually something that needs fixing...... Autism ain't one of them. I wouldn't be this traumatised and mentally ill if that mindset didn't exist. Ironic, isn't it just?
  15. I was referring to the ASD diagnosis specifically, but I guess I did mention mental illness, so thanks for your input. I was meaning what is the point in a mental illness diagnosis when being autistic makes it near impossible to get well or even be noticed, however. I have been diagnosed with mental illness since I was 8, mostly trauma related diagnoses, then at 11 I was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder, and at 12 I was diagnosed with MDD with dysthymic features, which is now persistent depressive disorder with current MDD episode. Nothing has changed since then except getting worse. Obviously my depressive illness is now recurrent and my mental illnesses overall are categorised as severe and persistent with complex needs. I just don't see the point in being diagnosed with either anymore, because it hasn't helped me at all. So much of what could have been a proper child development and life is gone down the drain. I'm at the end of the road in terms of what is available to me for the mental illnesses I have, regardless of if people here believe me or not. And the autism, is well, autism, part of who I am regardless of having the official diagnosis or not. Everything the diagnosis is meant to do hasn't happened for me at all.