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PapasFritas

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  1. I'm feeling better now, thanks. No longer agitated, just nervous. Going to see my doctor next week.
  2. Self-destructive thoughts. Went the to minute clinic. Waited a hour to be told they don't prescribe benzos. Stormed out of there. Nearly started throwing shit around the store. Scared the doctor. To to the urgent care clinic. Got a pathetic amount of Xanax. Feeling of guilt, self-destruction, anger, angst. My soul cries for relief. Rude and nasty to my loved ones. I have a demon inside me. Desperate for relief. Resisting the temptation to consume alcohol. Emotional hangover. Emotional pain that cuts to my soul. Profound hopelessness. Shaking and racing thoughts. Feel like to I want to destroy myself. I want to be numb.
  3. I don't think borderline personality disorder is a necessarily a black or white thing. It is defined that way, but perhaps only useful in determining what type of treatment would be best for you, and for insurance billing purposes. For example, you may have none, all, or some symptoms some of the time, and they wax and wane in severity. I have found it useful in arriving at a common understanding with other people regarding one's experience. Like a common language for communication with peers and doctors.
  4. PapasFritas

    Do you often lie to your pdoc?

    I also omit any alcohol use from my conversations. I recently switched providers because I was just telling her what she wanted to hear... that I was doing fine, etc. My new provider seems to be in too much of a hurry to do much more than get my script written and out of her office, so I don't seem much better off for it. In the end, I realize only I know how I feel and what I need to do to be better off. So that is something I have learned.
  5. Anybody else? My girlfriend loves this time of year. This is our second season together. She knows how I feel and fortunately gives me time to be alone. I know it means a lot to her so I've learned to be sensitive. I bought a piano book of holiday music to play for her, but she is now pushing me to get decorations. If it would all start just a few weeks before the 25th, wouldn't it be easier to tolerate?
  6. I haven't been formally diagnosed with Borderline PD, but what I am experiencing seems similar to the symptoms I see described, so I hope I can post here to see if anyone can relate to my experience. Nothing is logically apparently wrong with my outer life. I have a girlfriend, and good job, and two wonderful boys. But I have long suffered from depression and anxiety, severely at times. I'm relatively stable at this point. But I have a restless, dissatisfied, frustrated core in my soul which cries out for relief. Its drive is to break through my superficial appearance of peacefulness and call attention to my pain in a dramatic manner. Outbursts, substance abuse, personal property destruction, job abandonment, dramatic attempts at securing attention and pity are all inner drives which this "demon" longs to bring to the surface. I have begun recently with Prozac. It does quiet the inner turmoil somewhat, but it feels like a thin barrier that could be broken through quite easily. Emotions are muzzled, which is unpleasant in its own way. It's an internal battle between the demon and antidepressant chemistry. As Peter Frampton would say, do you feel like I do? What is your strategy for handling these moments?
  7. Well there is hope because you have had a few periods of remission. 3 years is long time to be in remission, in my opinion. I agree about the Wellbutrin and Xanax. I take both, so I can claim that Wellbutrin can exacerbate my anxiety and Xanax can cause depression (I speak for myself, at least). But they have benefits, so I continue to take them.
  8. When I see a pdoc, I have a hard time expressing my feelings and being honest. What I have done is written down exactly what I want to say beforehand. I then read it word-for-word at the appointment.
  9. Personally, I have found that alternative medicine and "natural" treatments are worthless. But if it is legal and nobody has dropped dead from it, it might be worth a try. As far as using marijuana to cure your lack of motivation, all of the pot smokers I have known are the most apathetic group of people I have even seen. That doesn't explain Paul McCartney though.
  10. I had these same feelings, so I starting taking videos of my boys a few months ago. I'm glad I'm doing this. I think it is a great idea. But I see you feel like you are taking it to an extreme. Do you spend time enjoying the videos and photos you have taken? If you realize you get no pleasure from looking at them, maybe you'll see it's not worth the trouble. But sometimes obsessions are irrational (I know this well).
  11. I don't think your are needy; you are normal. I, too, fear the day when my parents pass away. I don't know how I will react. Maybe consider an online dating service. That's what I did. You will find many people in the same situation. You don't have to find the love of your life, just some human interaction.
  12. You've been through hell. I went through a difficult divorce, so I have an idea of your experience. It took me a few years to get to a place where I could hold a job and keep my mood tolerable. There are lots of psych meds, so it might be worth it to try a few more. You did say you took an antidepressant for a while and felt better, so there is hope. It does take time, though, to find the right med. I find having somebody to dump my feelings on is helpful. Like a counselor or a friend. I also find that doing something out of character for me can help my brain shift. Like experimenting with a new hobby or signing up for a dating service. Also knowing that many people go through what I was experiencing was comforting in a way.
  13. I had that on Seroquel. Like flashing strobe lights. And those voices you hear in you head just before you drift off (not hallucinations, but hypnogogic imagery).
  14. I wish you luck. I tried Viibryd a few times. I believe it did alleviate the sexual problems some, but it wasn't so effective for me for depression. I think I'm going to have to go back on an SSRI, at least for a while. Get ready for sweaty, 3 hour, anorgasmic SSRI sex. I hate it. The Paxil has a short half-life, so I would think drug holidays are feasible. Ropinerole supposedly has some potential to help with this problem. Hopefully your doctor has an open mind about this.
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