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  1. High Creatinine was flagged on a few of my previous tests. I haven't had much clarification from doctors whether it's something to worry about or keep an eye on? I'm not sure what things elevate it...I don't do any weight lifting nor do I eat a lot of protein.
  2. @dancesintherain What were the values or things that were off? I'm having to get another kidney test as well.
  3. My parents both quit 40-year cigarette addictions (a pack per day) using Buproprion / Wellbutrin (the brand Aplenzin). The patch and gum did not work for them. They also received counseling to gain awareness of triggers in order to change habits and behaviors, which is very important. There are the emotional triggers, which led to very ingrained habitual behaviors (i.e. smoking after coffee in the morning, after dinner, work breaks, going for a walk) They had to intentionally change their set routines. Personally, I was never a smoker, but used to be a heavy drinker. Wellbutrin completely turned me off to drinking and food cravings all together. I became repulsed by alcohol when I was taking it. I think it really helps (on the biochemistry side) with cravings. Also, Hypnosis. Find a reputable person who specialises in quitting.
  4. Blahblah

    How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Pretty OK! Which is good. Man I wish I knew what triggered my crazy days every month, they can be completely unbearable. Trying to hang on to the better days and be grateful, but man....when the black tunnel inevitably arrives, there's no escaping it.
  5. Blahblah

    Questions Thread

    white. QUESTION: What's the last ethnic food dish you ate? (for me it was Indian: samosas, tikka masala, veg biryana, and sweet lassi)
  6. Yeah, I hear you. I'm not Bipolar either, but mood cycles rapidly (crying/depressed for 2 hours, then return to fine..) All the antipsychotics, they had horrible effects on me! Over the last 20 years of dealing with this, I've learned to pull myself out of the "crash" but I can't do it instantly, you know?...It is not predictable. I can only manage symptoms as best as I can. It's exhausting and a lot of work. With resume, try to cut resume to 1 page if possible (the norm used to be 2 pages, but seems it's getting shorter, along with recruiter attention spans) Take any "Senior' tasks out and only list jobs of the last decade. You could consider dropping the degree (definitely the year graduated), I've had friends with Master's or PhD's drop it off because they were always seen as overqualified. I love the idea of a job site for people with chronic illness. Probably would save the government alot of money, with disability payouts. People have skills and WANT to work - many cant cut it in highly demanding, competitive work environments. We have lower stress tolerance (the way I'm wired anyway). On top of that, dealing with toxic supervisors/ colleagues in office everyday can be traumatic. I'm so much more productive working from home (with weekly in-person meetings). I concentrate on task and get things done on my own time (like, maybe I want to sleep in and start work at 11am, but keep working at 1am - why not? If the sh#t gets done). Not everyone is wired for 8am-5pm with the energy to converse socially everyday... all day long! One good thing, work is moving towards a flexible "Gig" economy. People switch jobs every year it seems. If you're in tech, you're lucky, that's where the demand is. I'd think there would be alot of jobs to choose from - remote, even part time? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't work in a tech role (although I've worked in a few tech companies) I do see more companies allowing employees to work from home at least once per week, maybe more depending on your role and your seniority at the company.
  7. @sming I VERY much relate. I'm also "high-functioning" - but disabled by my 20-year chronic (treatment resistant) depression history. I cannot predict days when I wake up feeling completely dysfunctional. And I've been "let go" 3 times despite having all good performance reviews (2 of which occurred as I returned from legitimate medical leave). This has affected me for life. I can no longer tolerate high-level competition and stress, I get panic attacks when I start jobs, worried I'll get fired for no reason if I don't perform perfectly. It's true: the older and more senior you get, the higher the expectations. Especially private tech companies, they would rather hire a 22-year old fresh out of college for entry to mid-level positions (rather than take the chance hiring an older employee). If I were you, I would definitely dumb down my resume. Cut your resume to like 1 page, remove older jobs, be a bit cheeky...There is so much ageism, people have no choice but to do it. It's not like you are lying about your qualifications. Just bulk up the more mid-level stuff and cut out more senior tasks. Make it more "generalist." Gov / public jobs are typically much more stable, less pressure, slower moving, hiring more older workers. That is a good option in my opinion also. Try to look for jobs that mention "flexible schedule, work from home" There are more and more companies offering this in order to attract young people. Working from home 2 days per week is better than nothing.
  8. How long have you been taking it? I've often found that the initial start-up or drowsiness effects can sometimes wear off. I had this with Effexor. I felt like I was literally floating away from my body, total space cadet, and after a couple months it wasn't that pronounced. Maybe I just became accustomed to it?
  9. Thanks @dammitJanet actually not feeling *too* terribly bad now. it's because it's been a very busy week. Meditation retreats can have a 2-side effect, one time I went almost psychotic, my senses / perception was so overly heightened. Another time I felt super calm, careless. I don't know anymore. Just chugging along today, I'm trying to be more grateful for the days that I actually don't feel horrifically terrible or alienated. My mood drops pretty rock bottom every month. I hope you get over this rough patch soon. Hugs xx
  10. Ketamine is not prescribed here. I'm sure it's more than I can afford also, otherwise I'd definitely try it. I've done a lot of meditation, silent vipassana retreats, reading Buddhist self-help books, it seems it just draws more focus to my thoughts, which in turn makes everything (thoughts and feelings) more intense. I do try to "surrender and let the thoughts pass" but honestly its like CBT it feels like BS, a lie or tricking my brain. Literally the only thing that helps in immersing myself in work. I am on the road to burn out. Stimulants increase my focus and drive but i get obsessed with efficiency, getting stuff done, reading, organizing. I'll sit and read, research, write all day long for weeks straight. Barely leaving my desk. But in this state, I'm more content and engaged then when my mind is not occupied. I am quite social, but no matter how hard I try to build new friendships, get people together, it does not work in my favor. Everyone always flakes or is too damn busy to even get a coffee or reply to a 4-word text message. I'm exhausted trying. Maybe I'm meant to just get a few cats and forget about befriending people. It never works out, people always disappoint me, It's a catch-22, not really healthy, but better than having time to get engulfed in my negative depressing ruminations.I'm sort of "pretending" I have a purpose in life.
  11. I can very much relate. I've had the same experience (in bold) you list above. For the most part, I wasn't 100% convinced, but getting there...feeling I was being watched, every move monitored or people & strangers around me *knew* how anxious, afraid I was inside - they psychically knew just by looking into my eyes, or could hear my thoughts...I could almost hear a faint mumbling that strangers on bus were talking about me. It was super creepy paranoia stuff....but not off-the-wall delusional. Haven't had that in a loooooooong time. But today, I do have constant intrusive negative thoughts, don't hear them externally or anything, but yes, it's a tough one. Looking back, I think a lot of it was depersonalization (detached from reality).... I read that persistently elevated stress, and stress-response hyperstimulation, is the most common cause of depersonalization.
  12. Please post an update. I'm also curious about the depressive/anxious psychosis thing (I've experienced this in my past). Especially if you are not fully psychotic with those grand delusions. Maybe you feel ignored, or maybe paranoid about someones behavior towards you at work. Kind of like your mind is "bending' reality maybe a bit too much - yet again, these same thoughts could also be justified in certain contexts? I don't think this is really "psychosis" is it? I thought psychosis was when you have a complete total break from reality and have no insight or ability to question or challenge your own perceptions.
  13. @ikkyu This post is interesting. I've found (unfortunately) that any kind of physical problem I come to the doctor about seems to be overrided by my depression diagnosis. It's really frustrating. I suspect that I could have endocrine/ hormone issues in play, but literally every time I have an issue I bring to a doctor, they brush me off, say it just my "depression" or some other trope like "everybody's tired" and to see my shrink. I have tried over 30 different meds, different combos and while some of them help the flat-out "I'm on the edge ready to jump" type episodes, nothing helps the ongoing "moderate" level (which is still very disabling). I'm left in limbo: too depressed to function the way I need to in the world - but not impulsive or suicidal enough to be taken seriously by mental health providers. I'm in the dark, and no desire to even go near ECT. Too expensive, too invasive, risky, plus, you have to keep returning for treatments so not really sustainable long term solution.
  14. Blahblah

    How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    very very down. all i can think about after coming home at night is how useless i am. i either feel invisible, alone or feel worthless. i know i'm slipping into a depression but i have a pdoc appointment in a week. i have no idea what i need or what will even help me at this point.
  15. Blahblah

    How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    @fluentinsilence I used to often enjoy getting drunk and forgetting myself also. Now that I'm older, I just get terribly hungover, severe migraines (like my brain's exploding) and increased depressive outbursts....so that's over :-( Nobody likes a blubbering sobbing drunk. Been staying up way too late and then sleeping in. This is not doing my mood any better!