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tiffanyaching

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About tiffanyaching

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  1. tiffanyaching

    good you and bad you?

    Fluent in Silence that's pretty much exactly it. If I could just stop fighting with myself then it would be so much easier to get through life. But the two parts never get along. I guess the "good" part tries to be a bit compassionate to the bad side, but not that successfully. Bad me has done a lot to fuck things up and good me has to deal with the consequences of that. Ananke and echolocation I've never thought of bad me as being sick or symptoms of my illness. I guess with PD's its so hard to separate illness from person, and I find it hard to imagine a life where I won't be constantly fighting. I know part of some therapies is to accept the bad parts and stop fighting, but I feel like if I do that it won't end well. Bad me is always escalating and is insanely reckless and impulsive. But trying to understand that bad me is unwell might be helpful - I can hopefully be more compassionate.
  2. This might sound crazy, but I feel like I'm split into two halves of myself - I call them "Good Tiffany*" and "Bad Tiffany". Good Tiffany is kind and friendly, and thinks that she deserves and is worthy of love and friends, despite being a bit flawed. She wants to succeed in life and be the best version of herself and 'get better' I suppose. Then there is Bad Tiffany. Bad Tiffany just wants death and destruction, basically. She wants to kill herself, and self harm to the bone, and jump out of windows and drink until she passes out and does crazy reckless stuff because she doesn't care or believe she deserves any better. Bad Tiffany loathes herself and wants to escape the world and everything in it. I feel like these two halves of me are constantly fighting and I am always struggling to keep them balanced. When I am well, they're fairly balanced and I can usually compromise between the two. But when I get depressed, then Good Tiffany gives up and its all Bad Tiffany and things get dangerous really quickly. I feel like my big borderline struggle is keeping Bad Tiffany in check. Does this sound relatable to anyone? I worry that if I bring it up in therapy (not that I'm getting any therapy at the moment), I'll sound slightly mad. I know that I'm one person, but I'm constantly fighting with myself and I'm getting tired. Bad Tiffany has been overpowering lately and I need some camaraderie/connection. I'm sorry if this post is a bit all over the place - haven't been sleeping lately. *not my real name, obvs
  3. tiffanyaching

    So over it! A rant

    That's a good idea - would be worth a shot anyway! At the moment i'm still on the 'I'm gonna withdraw myself from all support' warpath, but if I do decide to stay then I will try that
  4. tiffanyaching

    So over it! A rant

    I've been stuck in this awful cycle lately - go to my mental health appointment, be asked about self harm, admit that I have done it recently, agree to let a doctor have a look at my cuts, and then get shipped off to the emergency room. The most annoying part is when the community doctor (GP or pdoc) thinks that I have an infection and that I need antibiotics very urgently and that I will get sepsis and its all very serious etc, and so they force me to go to the ED, but the doctor there never thinks they're infected, and I just leave again with a few stitches! Its happened twice now and its so frustrating because its just wasting everyone's time. I don't get how there can be such huge inconsistencies between the GP's opinion of infection and the ED doctor's opinion - I feel like the GP should ring and check first, before forcing me to go there. I know that ED doctors obviously see the worst cases of everything, which is why things are never that severe to them, but surely the GP should be at least slightly on their level of thinking. I had one GP a few weeks ago section me under the mental health act and literally force me to go to the hospital because he was so concerned, and the doctor at the hospital thought it was a massive overreaction. It was so traumatic and awful. I'm so over it and am on the verge of withdrawing myself completely from all mental health treatment. Its just an endless cycle of questions and useless meetings and nothing. God maybe I will get sepsis and it will put an end to everything. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense and is quite ranty. I'm just so done! (Haha I am also aware that a simple solution to this problem would be to stop self harming, but thats a bit beyond me at the moment).
  5. tiffanyaching

    Relapse and stitches - tw

    Thanks for replying Echolocation I actually have never really thought about how I do when I go without sh, but its definitely something i'll think about. Obviously I can manage without it! I just have to train myself to stop thinking its my only option. Its like, as soon as it becomes an option, then suddenly it feels like its my only one. I think learning to just sit with distress instead of needing to immediately alleviate it is a big thing for me. I get what you mean about it feeling like a bother. I was self harming pretty badly last year and it just became a drag. So much cleaning to do afterwards and I was always in pain and always washing blood off my clothes and sheets. And always having to make time for doctor's appointments to get stitches removed. I'm not quite ready to make my environment safe (like get rid of sharps etc), but its something i'll work towards. I'm very glad that I found this forum. I lost most of my friends over the years of being unwell so its nice to be able to talk things through with people going through similar things.
  6. Yesterday I relapsed after 10 months (!) clean. I wasn't really thinking - I just went to cut mindlessly. And I just couldn't make myself stop (even after I got it to the depth I wanted). So it was much deeper than I had initially planned so I decided to go to the ED for stitches, which I hate doing, but I'd rather get stitches than it get infected and have to take antibiotics (I haven't been able to physically swallow pills for a while now). I just feel so stupid! I was doing so well and now I have stitches again. But at the same time, I really really want to do it again, and worse. I feel like i'll never be able to get rid of self harm. Sorry that this post isn't really anything. I just wanted to get it off my chest. (the downside of having no treatment is that there is no one to talk things through with!)
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