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  1. Gratitude definitely works for some people, but I don't think it's quite the word I'd use to describe what I'm thinking. I see it as maximizing the good stuff (even when good is a relative term) and trying to put as much of my time and attention as possible toward to best of the current options. Trying to make incremental changes to make the better parts a little stronger or the worse parts a tiny bit more bearable. I think I fall into the mode of just enduring. My spouse pointed out that I often won't get up to get painkiller for a headache, and that tendency shows up for me in a lot of different ways. For some things I feel like a situation is unchangeable even though it really does have a small amount of wiggle room. For some things I don't bother taking a small action because it would only make things a tiny bit better. I think I should be using the 1% improvements, even the 0.1% improvements.
  2. I've considered light therapy on and off for years, but never tried it until now. My depression doesn't have a seasonal pattern, but a few months ago I accidentally sleep deprived myself and I noticed that that helped some of my symptoms. When I read various papers on sleep deprivation therapy, one of the things I found was that it predicted a better response to light therapy and I decided it was worth a try. I'm 3 days in now. I think that getting myself to do it every day may be a challenge. I'm starting with 15 minutes a day
  3. My general approach to do my best to tolerate it and wait, but I don't think my approach is the best. I think that there are likely some elements of your school and current work that are a bit better than the others. I think finding or even perhaps creating those things might help to get through this stage. Is there something that is 10% nicer than the rest? Are there ways to make one part slightly better than it is currently? It would at least give you something to think about while you wait this out
  4. I've been trying out a supplement. I had a month until my pdoc appointment and it was long clear that the current med was a bust, so I figured I'd use the time to try this
  5. I'm very excited that your med change is helping. I understand the doubt that it is real. I've got a big dose of that right now after seeing my pdoc. Where I live hospitalization happens for certain symptoms and situations, and it's possible (even fairly common, I think) to have various symptoms that add up to severe without being in hospital. I never have. My depression has been severe in the past but now I'm in partial remission and it's moderate. There's a lot of ground between hospitalization and very mild/non-existent.
  6. For what it's worth, I don't think you are inadequate. I think that taking care of yourself is important and working has good points but is definitely less important. I wish you didn't feel bad about it, because I don't think you or anyone else should feel bad about it
  7. It's a funny coincidence, but it also makes sense to me. The nature of my job is one of the reasons I'm able to pull off working, and I switched jobs years ago because other jobs weren't manageable while depressed.
  8. As a general premise, no, I don't think so. The title reminds me of the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality, which is utter nonsense. On a smaller scale, I think it can be possible to influence it some. I can "push" my mood a bit. If I'm at a -5 (as an example) I can sometimes move it a number or two. If the book has actual exercises they might be ones that have benefit for folks with MI as well. If it was me I'd skip the stories about people, look for exercises and probably give those a try, though I'd decide based on what the exercises were.
  9. I understand being in that in-between place. I work full time, and then I spend the rest of my time laying in bed. A lot of other basic life tasks don't get done, but I show up for work most of the time. From the outside I look ok to a lot of people, and even my pdoc seems to think that the fact I can work means my condition is mild (I strongly disagree with him). I have more than one friend who broke a leg and then kept walking around on it for days before seeing a doctor. That's the analogy I think of for trying to work under these conditions. It's possible, for a while at least, but also feels awful. The whole thing feels very precarious, too. A lot of the time I feel like things are going to fall apart. I think that it's fair to say that stress building up and leading to hospitalization means you honestly can't regularly work OT (at least right now). I think it would be good for your health if you could tell your boss you need to limit OT. I'm happy to help brainstorm that if it would help. I know it's not easy to do. I also work in tech and it's really common in this field have unhealthy work/life balance. But it sounds like you need to change your current situation, and that's a completely reasonable thing to need.
  10. I think it's a wise decision. I will also be hoping for you to find a med combo as soon as possible
  11. I've thought about having it done. I've taken a few meds (not specifically psych meds) where my response made me wonder if I might metabolize some things differently. If that turned out to be the case I don't know if my doctor would change doses based on the results or if changing the dose would actually make a difference in practice
  12. I have a similar situation with alcohol, though for me it's not anxiety it's anhedonia and energy. Alcohol has more of an effect on my depressive symptoms than any med I've tried so far. I've noticed that over the years from social drinking. Like you I don't crave alcohol or have trouble reducing or even stopping drinking. I try to be cautious about alcohol because I have plenty of alcoholics in my family line. I think everyone should be cautious with it, really, but I understand what you are describing
  13. I agree that these things are common experiences, and they don't mean that you are lazy or an asshole. This sounds like a completely reasonable way to feel, but I think it's important to consider what actions you take based on it. One possible outcome of that thought is that you don't donate/volunteer/etc. Is that the correct choice for you? It depends on a lot of things. You could experience some mental health benefits from doing it and if you choose not to you will miss out on that potential benefit. Maybe you have a different way to use that time that would have greater effect and so you choose that over this. Maybe under current conditions you just can't do it and the best thing is to not make yourself feel guilty. Maybe the feeling that you can't isn't accurate and if you challenged it then you could increase your options. There are lots of possibilities that could be good in different ways, but I think it's important to consider them because your default reaction might not be the best option
  14. I appreciate your Dr for being adventurous and you for posting the info to share. Your previous off-label experiments frequently show up in my searches of the archives. My Dr is somewhat conservative and says we are nearly out of options. I'm hoping he will consider some other off-label options.
  15. I don't think people are inherently boring. I think it's a matter of the compatibility in interests and personalities between the people interacting. There are some people who would want to hear about that camping holiday, but you're not one of them. Making friends and meeting people is hard. I struggle with it too, but I think we're suitable for friendship. We just have to find the compatible people.