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About sming

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    PDoc Confounder

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  1. The thing for me though, is that learning a new, especially big & complex, codebase is a nightmare. You're expected to be productive in a short few weeks, despite often getting no or very little documentation or intros about it. I haven't found many (any?) good remote-working job search sites. I found https://weworkremotely.com but it's ... not great. Do you know of loads? The complex codebase problem is what attracts me to startups since I find writing a codebase from scratch (greenfield) so much easier than grokking a giant, labyrinthine, legacy codebase. However startups come with the infamous pressures too so finding the "right" one is paramount. But you're right, people seem to flit from job to job even more and hiring entities seem to think that this is OK, if not even "good" it would seem. To me, someone who's moving every year is an instant "no" but what do I know...
  2. Yes, when I have a "good" week healthwise and when I have work I can do without too much struggling, I think "I can do this". But those weeks are about 10% of the time. The other 9 weeks are nightmarish balls of pressure, politics, hiding my illness, explaining my weird hours, hiding my drinking (I drink to raise my mood when in desperate need of getting work done), dealing with difficult/toxic colleagues (which has happened a lot over the last month, hence me looking for a new job - I was totally thrown under the bus). Smalltalk when you're feeling suicidally bad is just so, so painful it can't be described. Listening to a Normal bemoan their slightly boring weekend or their 3-day long cold and pretending to empathise when I just want to scream that they've NO FUCKING IDEA what I go through EVERY FUCKING DAY. End of rant.
  3. Hmm the problem with dropping jobs entirely is that a lot of firms these days use candidate work history verification services which query the DoL and hence they get to see all the jobs you've done (in the US at least anyway), alas contradicting your résumé. A good friend of mine (in his 50's) who has hired many times says that he's "airbrushed" his résumé by not dropping jobs entirely but reducing the seniority of the title and like you, only including the last 10 years. My wife seems to think that dropping the degree is totally incorrect but I think she's used to the job market as of 10 years ago. Things as you rightly pointed out, have changed. A lot of it is automated now.
  4. Yeah. Generally, I hate my life as it is and as it has been for the last 24 years. The first 20 were 9/10 brilliant. Go figure. One consistent source of severe suffering for me is my misinterpretation of physical abdominal pain as depression. The sensations are similar and often I don't know how to challenge my thoughts/feelings because I don't know what they are. Worse, one of my main OCD compulsions is vicious, sadistic self blame. I blame the shit out of myself for "allowing" the pain to happen, which - science has proven - releases stress hormones and other chemical messengers into the bloodstream which the brain picks up on and then ratchets up the pain. I.e. it's one vile, suffering bonanza of a vicious circle. I'm so fucked is just not even funny.
  5. Wow, @Blahblah, that's great (for me - kindred spirits and so on) that you can relate so much but truly dreadful ... that you can relate so much 😕 I'm sorry man. I'm the same. I can even be fine at 8am and then have vivid, truly disturbing SI for the rest of the morning or just feel crushingly depressed. Then my mood can pop up again. Before everyone suggests it, I am not BPx. I've tried all the BP meds anyway and they did jack - as do all meds really except stimulants. A good friend of mine who I confide in also suggested trimming the resume as well and I will. He's a senior manager and said that dropping the college/degree bit is fine, which I was previously unaware of. From that they can work out your age, pretty much so that's a great "win" <sigh/>. I actually don't have any "senior" positions on my resume, just tons of experience (23y+). I'm just really wary that people reading it and interviewers are going to think "why is this guy still only mid level? what's the catch here?". As such I truly, truly wish there was a job search site for the chronically ill. Wouldn't that be amazing? All the jobs would be remote or with minimal time in the office. The hours would be totally flexible. Deadlines would be generous or long-term. You'd have effectively unlimited sick time and it would be taken pro-rata out of your wages (I don't care about money, as long as I have enough to pay the bills - one of the only advantages of TRD is that you don't tend to spend much). Thanks again for the suggestions @Blahblah. Pete Very good to know, thank you. I think @Blahblah has a point though in that the titles can be massaged and stuff older than 10 or so years can be dropped. In tech, a lot of those technologies are effectively useless now anyway. What do you think about dropping your college/degree section? I think I'm going to try it. I can't go through another high pressure job like this one turned out to be. I just can't do it anymore.
  6. Hello readers of the High Functioning... but Disabled? post, as I've posted earlier, I am High Functioning... but Disabled. Well, I'm about to be fired (I'll spare you the details) for the third time, the reason being my performance is not meeting expectations i.e. I'm not coding fast enough. My severe illnesses have played a large factor, no doubt about that. I want to raise something. Firstly, it's become increasingly apparent to me that when you're a "senior developer", that expectations go up significantly. Not just that you know more of the pitfalls to avoid but that your throughput goes up significantly. This is a nightmare for people like us, who are barely holding down their jobs due to chronic illnesses (mine being treatment-resistant severe chronic pain, OCD and depression). To reiterate: the older I get, the higher the expectations get. This is a nightmare. I'm not getting faster at my job. If anything my illnesses' severity is increasing and my throughput is dropping, putting me in an impossible situation and under loads of stress every day, which - surprise, surprise - makes my illnesses worse. Secondly but not separately, does anyone have any good suggestions for verticals, companies or types of work (involving programming) for a senior developer who's very depressed almost every day? Ideally I could work from home as needed - making small talk when you've had suicidal ideation all morning is excruciating and best avoided if possible IMO. Here's what I've come up with so far: Lie on my resume and say that I have 5 years of experience, not 20+ years. This should result in me being under less pressure since I'd be expected to perform as a "mid level" developer. The problem is that, well, it's lying, and lying is not a wise foundation for your resume to stand upon. Plus I'm a terrible liar and would also worry about being found out. Government jobs. In the UK where I'm from and I suspect here in the US, government employees are generally paid significantly less than private companies. This tends to lead to a lower level of commitment and sometimes quality of employee. I don't care about salary as long as it pays the bills, I'd rather have less stress and more job security. Charity jobs. I tried this once and had a nightmare because the engineering team were a clique of total wankers. I actually think this is a nonstarter because plenty of principled, talented, not sick developers want to work for charities. Contracting. The ideal would be that I work per hour and that the client is OK with that. I'd work when able, and rest when unable. The nightmare scenario would be not finding any work or being forced to work crazy hours. Plus the unreliable paycheck would make me anxious and doesn't suit my personality, TBH. That's all I got. Seen as I'm about to get the can, I'd appreciate it if you lot have any brain waves as to places I can apply to (NYC), verticals to try or ... anything really. Cheers.
  7. sming


    Hey @mikl_pls, I was just curious about what this effect (http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?/topic/68495-fetzima/&amp;do=findComment&amp;comment=935065) is : This thread is enormous, with many enormous replies and being very depressed I don't have the energy to dig through it to find out exactly what this effect is 😕 I've been on Fetzima for ~ 2 weeks so it's early days but certainly experienced a difference when taking it in the a.m. v.s. the evening but I get the feeling that the aforementioned effect is not that. Thanks in advance as always, Pete BTW mentioning via "@" isn't working, neither is inserting hyperlinks nicely. It looks like the JS libraries for that are being loaded from a non-HTTPS source and hence Chrome's blocking them. Is there an admin I can tell about this?
  8. Hi, I know that EMDR is typically used to treat PTSD but if you read the fine print at https://www.emdria.org/page/emdr_therapy (grr, proper hyperlinking is broken with "There was a problem loading this content.") , it's applicable for "... Panic Attacks, Dissociative Disorders, Phobias, Pain Disorders, Performance Anxiety, Stress Reduction...". And I have most of those and more. Not to mention that PTSD is probably 99% comorbid with depression. Anyway, has anyone tried EMDR for depression and/or OCD? How about those with depression who don't have "hallmark" PTSD symptoms (flashbacks, vivid nightmares etc.) ? I'm a Treatment Resistant Depression & OCD & Chronic Pain "lifer" who's tried pretty much everything (e.g. hypnotherapy, ECT, MAOI's, Ketamine...) and am basically scraping the barrel, kind of pretend-hoping that there's a treatment that will actually make a dent in my daily suffering. FTR I don't have the "hallmark" symptoms of PTSD but my depression and OCD stem from a traumatic period 23 years ago (got dumped, got severely depressed, was literally terrified I was going to kill myself) that has destroyed every day of my life since. The only things that have helped me somewhat to date are MAOI's with stimulants and ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention therapy https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/ocd-treatment/erp/). Any tips/accounts/info would be warmly appreciated. Cheers, Pete P.S. nuts, I just noticed there's a "Therapy - The Other Half of the Puzzle" forum. I guess the Mods can move this there if they so wish.
  9. That's interesting, thank you. Whenever I envisage a task, such as showering, beforehand it often "feels like" climbing Mount Everest and "depresses me out of" doing the task 😑 That said, when I break showering down into steps (turn shower on. get undressed. get in shower. apply shampoo etc.) it sometimes helps. Sometimes.
  10. Agree that the term "high-functioning depression" has multiple, very-different interpretations. Not sure that it always means "mild" though. If someone looked at my ... life path (?) on paper, it would look "high functioning individual"-y but on the shop floor I've wanted very much to be dead for 95% of the last 23 years. Not to mention going inpatient, being fired twice and being in a dysfunctional relationship, and that's just the tip of the iceberg (depressionberg?).
  11. mine too FWIW. A Computer Science degree would help but there's an increasing percentage of coders now who are self-taught or have picked it up via classes, online or otherwise. 20 odd years ago when I started, a lot of companies wouldn't so much as look at you if you didn't have a BSci Comp but these days it's far more meritocratic, which is great IMO.
  12. Yeah tried that one with showering. It occasionally works but the resistance to doing it mostly wins. That one's more depression than OCD but it's just so galling, demoralising, depressing, embarrassing and just downright shit that it requires winning a lengthy battle just to do "simple" daily admin and chores. I don't remember the last time I ran, mostly due to this. And I know full-well that running would help with my mood and my Chronic Pain. I just can't bring myself to do it. Then I loathe myself for not doing it, which just increases the depression. One thing I do try to bear in mind is periods where I've not been very depressed. Going for runs, showering and "just doing it" feels natural, logical and sensible. It's easy. I try to bear this in mind to have a hope of giving myself a break when I'm depressed, which is 95% of the time.
  13. Totally. Even though experienced PDoc's often have patients on stims long-term and it's the only thing that helps them, in the eyes of the 99% and the government, they are super dangerous and only serve to harm society. It's tragic. It's a bit like the backlash that Chronic Pain patients (like me) are facing due to the Opioid Crisis. People who are legitimately only helped by opioids can no longer get them at all or only a fraction of the dose they need and guess what? They're committing suicide. It's not hard to see why. Same here. It's really, really hard to find a PDoc who will accept it at face value. My family berate me. I pay OOP as well. If you actually look at the symptoms of inattentive ADD and dysthymia/depression there is an awful lot of common ground so it's pretty ridiculous that you have to have the ADD "sticker" to get covered instead of being judged, lectured-at and sneered-at. Fuck this.
  14. A Kindred Spirit. I believe in CBT parlance, we are consumed with TIC's (Task-Irrelevant Cognitions) but ideally should be occupied purely by TOC's (Task-Oriented Cognitions). Yeah, I think I just replied saying just as much. OCD really fucks me off since I know how irrational I'm being, I just can't not do it. But then I just endlessly TIC/fret over whether I've chosen the "right" definition of "important" ! Naturally, with my compulsive blame lying around just waiting for any given opportunity to "help out", I blame the shit out of myself for not doing the most optimally important task, because it... jeopardises something or other. Sigh Thanks man. Wow, looking at the time stamps, this one took like 3 months to reply. That's bad even for me. Anyway presently my Task OCD (and my OCD in general) isn't too bad because my depression is really bad. I don't have the motivation/energy/undepressedness to consider doing any tasks in my "free time" so I'm currently not entering this problem space much. How "hilariously" ironic. Also, when I absolutely have to do a task, all my mental energy is devoted to actually just doing it, instead of the pre-task OCD dance around which task I should be doing. Either that or I'm so depressed I just don't care about the "disastrous" consequences if it's not the most optimal task. FFS.
  15. But it's choosing those "most optimal" task that stops me in my tracks. I debate internally the "value" of say cleaning the bathroom v.s. importing photos off my phone. I know it's impossible to objectively do that but my OCD demands that I be doing the "optimal" task at any given time, else... some kind of disaster. I actually think the OCD disaster threat is "... if you don't do the most optimal task, shortly when you feel too shit to do any tasks again, it's a disaster that this terribly important task hasn't been done". The problem then is that according to ERP (Exposure Response Prevention - the only OCD treatment that's helped me), I should "challenge" this belief by not doing any of the optimal tasks. And that just doesn't jive with real life since I need to maximise each time I feel undepressed, else no tasks would get done and things would fall to shit even more than they already are 😔 FFS 😑