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About rebird77

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  1. Bipolar sucks so much. i got a high paying job and it’s not glamorous at all. I’m a woman, and it’s traveling in construction management. I actually used to work for the same company several years ago and did very well, but I wasn’t cycling and was unmedicated with no need for medication. My how times have changed. im very sick now. I’ve been off work for 6 months and tried to get back to work and thought this would be a good job. I must be crazy. I can’t handle the stress at all. It’s destabilizing me rapidly. Another thing that’s a ticking time bomb that just tells me I need to quit ASAP. My psychiatrist back home. The last time I saw him was October 18th. I told him I was going to get back to work and travel and he thought it was a good idea and he assured me he could call in my scripts to any state and as long as I saw him once a year that would be fine. Well, I called about a month later to get call in scripts and he was taking time off and having another pdoc call in his scripts. Gulp. So I have been doing that since October and I think my state medical board only allows another dr to do that for two months. I have enough meds hoarded for another month and a half. I called my psychiatrist and he was supposed to be back mid December and now they are saying mid February so now I am stranded with no psychiatrist and 5 meds including geodon and klonopin I’m dependent on. so I’m in trouble. Plus I’ve been cycling since I started working even on meds. I’m realizing I can’t work like I used to and I just need to face reality and move in with my parents and file disability. It’s hard to face. Hard. My sister is friends with a psychiatrist and she called him last night. I have two options on the table now. 1. Quit my job at the end of the week and tell my boss the truth and deal with him being mad and just get over it and make the 12 hour drive home and check myself into the hospital and see the new psychiatrist and get my meds changed and tweaked. 2. Wait on a call from the psychiatrist to my sister tonight telling her if he has any outpatient appointments over Christmas and if he does see him then and try to get him to call in scripts across state lines and keep working anyway even though it’s breaking me down. I couldn’t change meds because I wouldn’t have any time off to do so. I think I know what I have to do but I’m terrified to talk to my boss. The company is based out of my hometown and I’m not sure what to say. I was considering talking about my doctor disappearing on me and not being able to get my scripts and needing them immediately or I will have seizures. Or just outright saying I have bipolar and I can’t do this and I apologize. I can’t work anymore and this is disabling and I didn’t want to think it was. Or just say I quit and I’m leaving my computer and company phone and it’s effective immediately. Help. What do I do and say? I wish I hadn’t gotten into this mess. The problem is he will have to replace me immediately or the job will shut down. I have to look at that as not my problem. My problem is my lifelong bipolar diagnosis and the fact that I could go psychotic if I don’t get help. That’s my problem. Not this project. Any helpful advice is welcomed. I wished this had gone differently but I guess bipolar just blew up my life. It’s about to ruin my finances and burden my parents to care for me until I get ssdi. Plus I own a house that my parents will have to pay for until we rent or sell it. I feel like I’m made of glass. I used to handle stress without a worry. Now it destroys my life. I feel like I’m crying inside right now.
  2. I’ve tried so, so many meds and I’m very treatment resistant. I can’t take antidepressants because they all make me manic and I can’t take mood stabilizers because tegretol gives me SJS and lamictal makes me suicidal and I still rapid cycle on lithium. I’m scared to try depakote because I’m working now and it may cause suicidal depression. I think my emotions are related to ptsd from loss of the relationship. Which will probably take time to heal. This one may just be a therapy solution and friends and love to heal.
  3. Hi everyone, it's been a while. So, I took the full 6 months of my short term disability, and I just started a new job. It's a little stressful, but it pays well. It is a contract job, and it required me to move to the location of the contract. I'm salaried though, and my company is putting me up in an extended stay hotel, and they are flying my home once a month and getting me a rental car when I am home...so I can come home and see my sisters and parents. That is a blessing. I can see my best friend too. I am struggling with the never ending anxiety that I can never beat. I take a lot of meds for my bipolar. I think mine is really non specified because I'm so hard to treat. I take geodon, gabapentin, topamax, klonopin and lunesta plus vitamins. If I could wean off klonopin I could probably wean off everything but geodon. I'm just not ready to wean off klonopin, and I take .5 mg even though I'm prescribed 1 mg. I am doing therapy online with betterhelp since I am on the road, and it is going pretty good. I just selected and therapist, and am sticking with her. I don't like her as much as my IOP therapist, but it is online, so I acknowledge the quality of therapy won't be as good but it is consistent. I did go no contact with my ex boyfriend because that relationship was slowly killing me. He'd been abusive in the past, and was a narcissist. I loved him so much that it contributed to my breakdown in a serious way, and taking this job moved me out of state and away from him and helped me go no contact, so I am working through that with my therapist. It's hard. I've had ptsd over the past couple months since my short term disability was about to run out and I wasn't sure what I was going to do about money, and I knew I had to do something about him. I was waking up with nightmares and night terrors thinking someone was trying to kill me or I was going to die or the world was going to end. I don't know how to describe it. It was terrifying. I felt completely untethered from this world and it felt like I was threatened and like I was going to not live or survive or maybe subconsciously didn't want to. That was the scariest thing. I slowly started to feel disconnected from everything. Like I am just meaningless and one of billions of people and what does it matter? Those weren't my thoughts but my feelings. I was fighting that daily. I have been fighting that. ive also been fighting some mortality issues with my age. Since I just broke up, I just turned 39, and I am traveling and single again. I am scared I won't meet anyone again or fall in love again. I worry about my parents aging. All of a sudden this stuff is in my head. I think because I have leaned on them so much this year since it has been so hard. 'I guess the good news is, I stopped having nightmares a few nights ago. No more night terrors and waking up thinking I'm going to die. I enjoyed music at work today. I went to a recovery group at church last night and that was helpful to talk and heal about what I went through with my ex. I'm trying to do the best I can at work. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, life will go on, and hopefully, so will I. I am trying to live more in the moment and practice mindfulness to help with my anxiety. Trying to take things one day at a time and if I can't do that, take things one moment at a time. I know bipolar is for life, but I think recovery is possible, and it is possible to function with this illness, but maybe we just have to modify our lifestyles. Right now I just come to the hotel, take it very easy and am very gentle with myself and rest at night. I try to exercise when I feel like it. I need to be a little better with my diet. But it's not that bad. I'm not pushing myself working late or volunteering to work longer hours even though I know I can. I know what that leads to...cycling. My goal is boring stability. I take turmeric and magnesium to keep brain fog at bay but I wish I knew what I could do about these feelings of despair and loneliness. Maybe that's not mental illness. Maybe that's just heartbreak, and will take time to heal on its own. Love to you guys and to everyone living with mental illness.
  4. I know. I’m just wondering if long term is going to make me pay that back too.
  5. I guess I’ll get an attorney if I get denied. My issue is I’m on short term disability and about to go long term if it gets approved. I know my ssdi back pay will have to go to long term. I don’t know if they will waive the attorney fees.
  6. This is ridiculous. My medical records are thick. Years long.
  7. Is it true that everyone for psychiatric ssdi has to get a ce?
  8. I’m going to ask my therapist about it when I see here again in a couple weeks. I’m sure she has experience with her clients going through it and probably with the same doctor. Thank you. I really worked myself up this morning but it is not a denial.
  9. I’m hoping this is the right board for this. So I applied for ssdi for bipolar. I didn’t get a denial so that’s good. Today I got a letter with a doctors appointment stating to bring all my meds that they need further review to support my medical evidence. I’m guessing this is good since I wasn’t denied right? I’m just going to bring all the meds I take, a letter from my psychiatrist and my therapist, all the half full bottles of the meds that didn’t work, empty bottles of meds that didn’t work but I took anyway and hoping when he does the psych evaluation and sees the bags of pill bottles I will get through it. Any experience with this? I have bipolar so I am anxious. Of course it’s social security so the appointment is in November. Ugh.
  10. Ok, so you guys know me by now. Hard to treat. Bipolar 2 rapid cycling psychosis triggered by wrong meds or a bad cycle. Breakthrough mixed episodes on meds. Can’t take any antidepressants at all. so, what you don’t know is when I was a kid I found out I was blind in one eye and had exotropia. Fancy word for lazy or cross eye. I had surgery to fix it but when the MRI’s were done back in the 90’s my opthomalogist found I had an arachnoid cyst on one of my temporal lobes and an optic nerve disease. I always thought the cyst was on the left side because that’s the eye that has the optic nerve disease and the one I can’t see out of. fast forward to now: my mom kept everything from back then, and my psychiatrist knows I have an arachnoid cyst. He’s also a neuropsychologist so I think he can order an MRI. I asked mom to try to find the mri film so I can bring it to my pdoc. She did. I have read NIH studies on people with arachnoid cysts and bipolar or psychosis that are hard to treat. It always said left temporal lobe. I don’t know why but I’m my mind I kept thinking no, it’s on the right. Even though I felt like it should be on the left somewhere in time, I started thinking right. i like to draw, so I have a light box. So, I just turned it on, pulled out the film, looked at it and even though it’s small I swear the cyst is on my left temporal lobe and not my right. I started crying. there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s small, and it would be ridiculous to operate and I think only one surgeon will drain them in the country. The point is, I feel like I understand a little more why I’m so hard to treat and this helps me accept myself more. It’s something I was born with. If it caused me to lose my eyesight and an optic nerve disease why wouldn’t it cause bipolar? Wouldn’t it make sense my brain doesn’t respond to meds like a lot of bipolar patients do? Ie: antidepressants. It lets me know I can’t safely have ECT or TMS. It lets me know my body and it’s limitations. I’m going to bring the film to my pdoc on Thursday. I think a new mri is a good idea. I know it hasn’t gone away, it may be bigger. Usually it’s always stayed the same size. bipolar is in my family, but not like mine. Not so hard to treat and not so rapid cycling. Thanks for listening to me share. Hugs.
  11. Have you ever taken the genesight test? I had horrible problems with meds. I am very, very hard to treat. I have bipolar 2 rapid cycling with psychotic features if I am on the wrong meds. 'My genesight led me to geodon too, but I don't have any side effects at all because it was in my green column. It's not perfect. I still have breakthrough mixed episodes, and I can't take any antidepressant at all so I have to live with depression which is terrible. I am staying on geodon while I apply for ssdi, and going to give it a chance for at least 6 months. I think I should be on latuda, but it's in my yellow genesight column, but from what I understand Geodon is latuda's parent drug? My insurance won't cover it, and it's more expensive than my mortgage, and I'm on short term disability and can't afford it. anyway, that was a long random post, but with all your troubles you really might want to seriously consider genetic testing for meds. In my IOP, one woman that is in from the hospital after a suicide attempt took it, and all the meds she was on from the hospital were in her red column and they weren't working. So our psychiatrist switched her according to her test, and now she's so happy it's annoying! Meanwhile, I'm doing meditations three times a day and just ordered an expensive tactile emdr buzzer thingie to calm me down when I have breakthrough episodes each week.
  12. You only got 2.5 months of your ltd even though you should be covered for 2.5 years. That sucks. That's why I have to make the tough decision to file for ssdi. I tried to go to sam's with my parents today and had a terrible panic attack. I can barely go in ships. Had to come home and take twice my klonopin.
  13. How hard was it to get long term disability after your short term disability expired? I am on short term disability now. I have a long term plan too.
  14. That is an excellent point and something I had to think about. I ended up just getting a disability book and a disability ebook from bipolar lives, and my mom is going to help me do the paperwork. If I get denied, my brother in law's brother who is a lawyer will help me appeal. He helped his dad get it on the first try. His dad is schizophrenic. Something about the disability advocate was off. She wanted me to wait like 6 or 8 months to file. I have medical records going back to 2008 with bipolar. And hundreds of pages of medical records for bipolar from this last year. One partial hospitalization this last year, 2 psych er visits, 1 er visit for migraine from meds, dermatologist visits from reactions to meds, rheumatologist visit from reactions to meds, 3 psychiatrists, another counselor at an IOP - but just private counseling, and I'm currently on STD in an IOP. I think that woman just wants to delay so she gets back pay. and a documented suicide attempt and suicide ideation.
  15. Is that the state of ca's STD plan or was that a private STD insurance plan and private ltd plan? For example, I have a STD insurance plan I paid for after taxes through my employer but it is a private plan through an insurance company. I would have to apply for ltd after it expires but I've been told to apply early because it takes a long time, and they also require applying for ssdi. It does make me nervous for a lot of reasons. There's no guarantees. Some days I feel better then like this last week I was a rapid cycling zombie. I have rapid cycling bipolar 2 so I am medicated to the gills and I still struggle very much. It sucks because I am grieving the idea of not going back to work. It breaks my heart. I wish my illness was like it used to be and I could just take two meds and feel normal again. Bipolar progresses, and I've learned even with all the meds and therapy with rapid cycling there is no cure to normal, only management and adjustment of my lifestyle. i do know there is a huge success rate with people being approved for ssdi from my IOP and my psychiatrist. From what I understand one of my counselor's sons is a disability examiner. I do know a woman with a diagnosis less than mine with less medical history from my IOP that already graduated was approved for ssdi in 3 months and that included an appeal. So, I am going to submit my paperwork at the beginning of August. I'm still telling myself I have the rest of my STD and if I make vast improvements and can return to work and don't need ltd then that's great, I will have been safe and applied and hopefully been approved so I have a backup plan so I can be safe and secure. God only knows ssdi is not a lot of money, but it is enough. Thankfully I've had high paying professional jobs and qualify for a decent amount. i dont understamd if you got STD from your insurance company why they would deny ltd? Did you appeal the insurance company? My ltd is 2 years for mental health.