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  1. I literally cannot remember the last time a good or positive thing happened to me. I can literally not remember the last time a single person spoke intimately with me about anything positive or good. I can literally not remember, at all, the last time I trusted a person, was legitimately happy, or was, for all intents and purposes, anything other than hopelessly fucking depressed. If you still think there is hope, you are a fucking idiot. Why are there 90 options to set my gender to a bunch of bullshit that doesn't exist, but no option to delete my fucking account? How the fuck do I delete my fucking account?
  2. So in case you didn't read my post, which you obviously didn't, I have no family or friends. There is nobody, NOBODY, to miss me. But anyway, I went to my doctor today. My psychopharmacologist. You know, the one that charges $460/hr, in no way accepts insurance (so no overheard or costs beyond the usual for running an office), and then probably uses the . I am tempted to leave her name and location just so that you can all know not to go to her ever. She constantly runs over time, which sounds like it should be a good thing, except today, as usual for the medical industry, she promises me the world -- "Oh we're going to put you on Lithium, we're going to give you this intranasal Ketamine bullshit that you can only pick up at a pharmacy down the street (45 minutes away from your house) -- then totally neglected to refill ANY of my prescriptions (except ONE) and shoved me out the door. So now because of this stupid fucking cunt, I'm sitting here stewing in another round of false FUCKING promises from some stupid cunt fucking cock sucking dumb bitch twat fucking whore who makes promises that she doesn't keep. Not that I'm surprised, based on who and what she is, it should have been apparent from the start that she was a dumb lying fucking cunt. So now not only do I have NO lithium that was supposed to help me SO much and NO ketamine BULLSHIt that was supposed to help me SO MUCH, now i am going to run out of FUCKIGN XANAX, and ALL MY OTHER FUCKING MEDS, excpet for OH, VYVANSE, because THAT'S the thing that's REALLY making my life difficult, FUCKING ADHD. YEAH. THIS IS MY TRUEST OF PROBLEMS. HERE IT IS. AD-H-FUCKING-D. Fuck stupid fuck stupid fucking stupid fucking cunts and fuck this gay fucking earth and fuck all of you and fuck this shitty planet and FUCK FUCKING EVERYTHING And to all of you telling me to "be selfish"? That "I really am #1"? Fuck yourself in the eye socket with a fucking chainsaw. I will never be selfish. I will never be a piece of shit like the rest of humanity. I would rather die than stop caring for others. >Could be, but you're going to miss it. No I'm not. I'm going to be fucking dead. That's the goal. I'm not missing anything. I will be 100% experiencing death as much as it can possibly be experienced.
  3. So I get either locked up or doped up and I miss work, and I get to be surrounded by cold, uncaring hospital staff who have 15 other more important people to attend to -- nobody comes to my side because I have no friends or family, so I'm totally alone in a cold hospital -- and then nothing actually gets better. It's not like they're going to help me directly. And then I get slapped with a 50 thousand dollar medical bill (but don't worry, insurance might cover it. Maybe.) because I laid in a bed for a couple hours and they drugged me up, and then I get diagnosed with something-or-other -- which is inevitably wrong -- so that now counts as a pre-existing condition that some president can fuck me in the ass over in 5 years' time. Pass. Dying sounds preferable, although like I said, I'm not doing it today, so what's the point in shipping myself off to a hospital anyway? I'm just saying. It's not happening today, but it's happening eventually, and it might be sooner than age 30. And when it happens, I'm gonna fucking do it right. There will be no second chance. if I call some hotline or 911 or whatever when I'm not even directly about to kill myself I'm basically just clogging up their shit and wasting their time, and let me tell you, being even more of a useless obnoxious annoyance is the last item on my to do list. i've gotten in enough peoples' way in m ylife. This country doesn't want to help you for being mentally ill. It wants to punish you. Fuck this filthy subhuman race and fuck this shitty world. I'm not saying I should die because I'm being dramatic or because I'm depressed. I'm saying I should die because it's an objective fact. It is the best, and very possibly the only, solution to the problem that is me.
  4. It's been a long 27 years, but I just don't think I can do it anymore. There's nothing more to say really. A while ago, I set a deadline: I said by the time I hit 30, if my life wasn't looking any better, I was going to kill myself. I think I need to move that deadline up. It's always pretty funny to me just how little people truly care. You don't. You just don't. Nobody does. Nobody ever will. Death is the correct solution. You can say whatever you want but you are wrong. You do not understand me, you cannot possibly understand me, the only thing that remains in this world, that could be beneficial to my life, is a noose, wrapped around a hook, hanging from my fucking ceiling, with my fucking neck in it, or throwing myself in front of a fucking train. Call a crisis center. Chat online. Every time you go there, the rooms are full. Full of people who are full of shit, talking to other people who are full of shit. Everyone is full of shit. This world is full of shit, nothing but a bunch of fake mother fuckers trying to impress themselves and each other. Fuck everything. I can't wait. I can feel it, every day, every day it inches closer. I've been waiting all my life to have the balls to finally kill myself and I think I'm finally growing them. It's going to be great. It's going to be so great. It's going to be the first beautiful thing I've ever seen in this pitiful bullshit matrix of "reality".
  5. I see. I did do regular therapy for about three years, and it sure helped me figure out the "why"s...but never the pragmatic approach to getting better. I think you are right, and I think DBT is probably what I need. I think maybe I just have to re-work up to it again...
  6. If that means "therapist", then no, just my psychopharmacologist. I probably should get a therapist again...do you suspect it is something different than what I think?
  7. I actually just started medication again after a long time of not being on it. I'm on Xanax 0.5mg, twice a day and then as needed for breakthrough anxiety. Then I just started Vyvanse 40mg for ADHD. Both of those I know work at least to some extent from the past. Then I started Vraylar, which is not something I've taken before -- actually, I've never taken anything from that class at all before. But this was all barely a week ago, so I don't think it's the Vraylar at least. I've been speculating my anxiety is part of my brain repressing emotions, and since I started the Xanax I've been a lot more emotional. But it feels like a good emotional, as in, I'm crying a lot and getting out a lot of stuff that I think I should have been getting out all along. So I suppose it could be a side-effect, but that would be unfortunate since it's a side-effect that seems like it's actually me being on the right track.
  8. I have come to the conclusion over many years, that my anxiety (which is getting exponentially worse) is actually my body's way of coping by repressing all the feelings I should be feeling. I finally got back to my doctor and started taking Xanax, and almost immediately I am now crying all the time at all sorts of things. Not things that don't make sense -- things that should make me cry -- but I'm crying a real, true cry, unlike the "I want to cry but can't" that I've been experiencing for so long. I get the impression this has confirmed my theory, that the anxiety is pretty intense, and is my body's way of "keeping me safe". I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this, or if those who are more learned than myself have read about this sort of thing. Is this common: your body effectively overriding all of its issues with anxiety; repressing trauma by way of constant anxiousness? If so, what was your experience like? What did you find beneath all that anxiety? In my case, I am fairly confident these are not side effects, since I have taken Xanax with no issues in the past few years. Basically my doctor and I speculated that it was a Bipolar/ADHD cocktail underneath all that anxiety, and now that I'm on anxiety meds I believe it. Almost like constant mixed states, mania diluted heavily with anxiety. Like the anxiety was my body's weapon to stave off the bipolar...interesting stuff...so I would really love to hear your stories or thoughts.
  9. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job describing this, but...there is an obvious disconnect, and it's clear to me that my anxiety and other issues are, more or less, a huge coping mechanism designed to help me block & suppress the not-insignificant amount of trauma I have experienced throughout my life. While I am working through psychiatry and therapy, are there any books that you have read, that are written from a professional and pragmatic viewpoint (but still hopefully with some empathy), that can help one learn what it means to feel and to get in touch with what it means to be connected to your body? I am also aware DBT is very good for this, but I'm still working on accountability issues with that. So alternatively, a strategy to force myself into DBT and keep me there would probably help too. Lol. But mostly just looking for a book for now. Thank you very much for your time.
  10. Thank you all for the good advice. I went ahead and called my previous psychiatrists and tried to get lists of my meds. I only managed to talk to 1 out of 3, and it was a terrible experience. I honestly got the impression from the call that she may not even be a real doctor, or is otherwise trying to cover something up, because she started acting super sketchy as soon as I asked if I could get a history of some sort. She said "call me next week" (which is too late anyway for my first visit), and then she immediately hung up without saying bye...but anyway... #2 just rang forever, no machine, and #3 I left a message. Out of desperation I also called my old therapist to see if maybe he just happened to note any of this stuff down, since he was usually pretty reliable so I guess there's a chance. I am not taking anything currently, so that part is easy at least.
  11. Sorry for the vague thread title, but it's so hard to find accurate information on what, specifically, having depersonalization, derealization, or dissociation actually feels like to the person. A lot of times, I think I feel disconnected from my body. However, I don't feel any of the things I see listed online. It feels like I am just my brain in my head, and not that I am also my body, if you get what I mean. Like...I get that this arm is mine, in that it's a part of my body...but when I look at it, it's just an arm -- it's not MY arm. Does this make any sense? I feel like people look at their body as an extension of their self, but to me they are two separate things. And if so, is this one of the things discussed on this board, or is just some weird unrelated thing? The problem is, if I start talking about it or noticing it (like right now) I start to panic, so now I'm going to stop talking about it because I can literally feel myself slowly sinking into freaking the shit out.
  12. Oh, I remember Lamictal. I did get the rash! Lol, so there's one. I get what you guys are saying...thanks for the advice, I guess I will start doing that. I feel like a fucking idiot. I'm normally so smart and prepared in other areas. I guess it's possible I am sabotaging myself on purpose, although I wasn't aware it was in this way. Also, that thread was really useful, mostly because somewhere in there someone (not sure if it was you) mentioned I might be able to call my old doctors and get a record. Maybe I could try that, I still have two days.
  13. I have to ask...is writing down my medications and stuff something I was supposed to be doing this whole time? Cause they always ask...and I honestly don't know. I think part of my thing is I have some really bad issues with memory. I guess I was just stupid for never writing them down, but I guess that's what most people do? I mean like, if she says the name of a medication I might remember it, but I don't remember why I stopped taking each one other than they were all shit...lol I don't know why to me, it just seems really weird that people keep track of that. I have no idea why...maybe people just have really good memories and can remember all that? Do you keep a notebook logged over all the years or something? I guess it probably would be a good idea to start doing that...
  14. I have another thread posted if you would like a detailed review of my history, but in short, I've been to a shit ton of psychiatrists, and one major therapist (+ DBT for a brief period of time which I had accountability issues with on my part). I am very jaded by being put on every medication in the world, nothing helping, and therapy teaching me all about why all my problems exist, but never getting me in touch with them or helping me cope. Still, nobody has any idea what's really wrong with me, but there is clearly something very wrong that has gone from "kind of interfering with my life" to "at least somewhat likely to become fatal" in a few years' time. So, I ask you, as I am about to get gutted for 260 more dollars -- do you, who have been through the psychiatric & therapy mill and have at least been mostly successful (enough to say you enjoy living more than 30% of the time), have any advice for me? I am going to ask a bunch of random questions now, but this is just to get your brain going and you don't need to answer them all specifically if you feel they are not relevant. I think I have a lot of problems communicating, so I thought I'd ask some other people who might be better at communicating their feelings above the emotional competency of a 3-year-old. I'm just trying to get a discussion going, and since I don't know what to do the answer is probably not going to be in this list of questions. ANYWAY... Do you give symptoms as they are right now? Do you give a whole history of your life? Do you specifically just list out traumas? Do you tell them about your past history with other doctors and diagnoses? Is there anything I can write, plan, or bring in advance that would really help find me a diagnosis, or more importantly the result of that, a treatment plan that works? For example, I've been tracking my moods for 2 months, and I've also written several essays (one was at the time I made the appointment, when I was very depressed, to try and capture exactly how I was feeling at the time). If you have thought about your diagnosis, does it help to tell them what you believe your diagnosis is, or does that anchor them? I have been heavy into psychology literature for a few years now, so while I'm certainly no doctor I'd like to think I'm a little more versed and my opinion might matter since I can address my symptoms methodically. The other problem is, I feel like I have different problems all the time. Like I'm anxious when I'm in public. I get depressed when I'm alone. But also, I have huge ups, and relationships where I'm practically manic. Almost like I have constantly shifting mental issues, like whatever state I'm in is always its own breed of crazy. So it's hard to even pinpoint when something works or doesn't work, because my moods shift so often anyway...I guess I'm rambling now but you see why this is so much trouble...In order to list all this out, I would basically write a whole essay, and my whole hour session would be spent reading it, which is really stupid and feels like a huge waste of money, when I bet there's a way to tell her all the same information in a much shorter period of time. If it helps you to help me, this doctor is a (very expensive, and I believe relatively talented) psychopharmacologist. She is better than pretty much any therapist I've known, so that's why this is under therapy and not a board related to medication. I have seen her once before, and she had some good ideas, but I abandoned the whole thing because again, accountability issues. She is the only doctor, psychiatrists and therapists alike, who I've met so far who I feel might actually be competent enough to help me, so I want to give it all I've got and put her surely very intelligent brain to use. Thank you very much if you've read this whole thing, and thank you in advance for any advice you might have.
  15. Thank you. Your conclusions are likely the same as mine. Today at work someone essentially called me "half a person" and I lost it. Then later on someone did something selfish and I couldn't take it. I don't understand how I did not get in trouble because I just started yelling for 5 or 10 minutes about stupid lazy selfish fucks ruining the fucking world and how every idiot should be culled and so on. I think this darkness is finally starting to crawl into my work life, which is the only thing I have left to hold on to. At this point I do consider that I have no friends, family, or support. I deleted my account but apparently it's still here. I do that a lot. Freak out and delete my accounts. I tried making an account on another site to try talking to people, but I just ended up panicking and going basically psychotic and had to end it. People are stupid and selfish and it frustrates me. Nobody ever shows that they have even a modicum of selflessness. The world literally encourages being selfish and "all about yourself". This world is so cold. I have essentially determined that I probably have C-PTSD And bipolar. DBT seemed to be working for me but I freaked out and left. I didn't like that I had to record how much I smoked, ordered out, etc. because all it did was make me feel bad, nothing helped to actually stop it. And $200+ dollars per single session and $100+ per group, per week, is absurd (no DBT ever seems to be covered by insurance, and doctors don't give a fuck about you so they don't care since insurance hurts their poor widdle wallets, and then how would they go on vacations on their fucking yachts every 3 months?? :'( ). Plus to be honest I'm pretty certain at this point I am worth nothing to the world, I will never have or sustain a friend or a romantic relationship ever again nor do I have the capacity to trust. So why bother. Might as well just waste away and rot you know? I tried an outpatient program before and it was really fucking stupid. They were trying to teach me about "ruminating" and shit as if I have a choice, as if I have the mental capacity to actually stop such a thing. I am the most strong-willed person I know, and I also know when something is simply not possible, and I've tried for a long time and it's just not happening. And I had to sit in a room and listen to some dumb fuck talk in a patronizing baby-speak tone about how we "have to stop ruminating on our issues!!!" Like no fucking shit. How about you teach us HOW to do that? No compassion or empathy. And inpatient/hospitalization just seems to me like basically prison, so I have no desire to do such a thing. What are they going to do to actually help me? What is the pragmatism offered by such a thing that will actually improve my life? I could just heat up the vape and go to town and I will feel much better than any inpatient program could make me feel, PLUS it won't fuck up my job. Whereas if I do inpatient now I have to look unreliable and explain to my boss that I'm a clusterfuck and I'm on track to be promoted to a supervisory position so I don't want to fuck that up. My success (which ultimately I don't care about because money means nothing to me anyway, but whatever) is all I have. So I'm just clinging to it at this point so I can feel "successful". I made an appointment with the only good psychopharmacologist I've ever known. Absurdly expensive and not covered by my insurance of course, but whatever at this point. Of course I have to wait two fucking months to get in. What a crock of shit. That's so fucking stupid, seriously. Imagine if you had a cold and had to wait 2 months to get in to the GP. By the time you get in, whatever problems you were having right then and there are not even things I can remember anymore. My brain basically just blacks out my life as soon as it happens. I started taking notes every day and using this mood tracker but there's only so much you can do in one session. Also the moods are all the fuck over the place which makes no sense. But I think you're right. I think I have a baseline that's "up" or "down" like Bipolar II, which is what I was originally diagnosed with. But then there are definitely huge triggers that make me want to end it immediately. I totally lose it when certain things happen. I never know when. It just happens. And then I go fucking ballistic. It's never been this bad. Relationships are utterly impossible for me to form or hold. I do not own a TV, use social media, or do anything at all that could expose me to stupidity, because as soon as I see someone acting dumb and uninformed I just want to fucking end myself, because people like this exist, and are making my life shittier in minute ways just by being there. It's like having a kid and you raise them as best as you can, and then some drunk driver hits them and kills them. You tried your hardest, you were a great person, you did a good job, and yet still you are punished and ultimately fail. Why bother existing on a planet where such stupid fucking people exist? It is all objectively guaranteed to go to shit cosmically. Like the Roman empire and everything before it. It's just how the world works. People say it's the experience of living we should be after. This experience fucking sucks. I haven't been cutting anymore mostly, except for a couple times a few weeks ago, but my new thought is buying a pane of glass and just punching through it. I can only assume I just want attention, but not negative attention, so I wouldn't punch out a window in my apartment or my balcony doors or my car door. I'd buy something, and then break that, so I can keep it totally to myself. Then I'd get all stitched up, and maybe someone would at least be forced to pretend to give a shit about me because it's their job. I don't think I'll do it, probably. But that new thought has been prevalent in my head lately. And then I don't have to die, either, so I don't have to worry about the fact that I'm a giant gaping vagina who can't bring himself to do it. Win win. I don't sound appreciative from this post but I am very appreciative of your responses. I feel like people might understand here. It just still ultimately feels like a waste of time. It's simply an objective fact that I am better off dead, I just don't have the balls to do it yet. The problem is that I cannot make other people happy. Even if I become "happy" or "satisfied" with my existence, the amount of people I have hurt is countless, and I will continue to hurt those around me, almost entirely against even my own will. I feel that ridding the world of me would be doing them a favor. I will most certainly be burning in hell regardless for all the pain I have caused, so I might as well just get to it. Coupled with the fact that the world is such a shithole, what reason is there not to end it? You know?