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About water

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    that's as maybe

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  1. Woo Halloo Opie!!! Happy After New Year! I’m still here though you may not be able to tell LOL I’m so sorry about your pain. Glad you’re back however. Also struggling here but talking reporting writing out this stuff helps so much!
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  3. omg! I was just going to write this very topic. Need to start therapy again after years and not sure what to do. Go to the same therapist I used before? All my anxiety is focused on what you have already solved - WHO to see. What to do? NOTHING! Prepare nothing, be yourself, in the moment, talk about WHATEVER is happening at that time when you are sitting in the chair in front of the therapist. Bring your life into the room. If the waiting room freaked you out or the person who walked out before you, talk about that. If your feet hurt, talk about that. Your head is exploding? Let it it explode with her. Therapy is all about having a safe place to share everything and anything with someone who is a professional. There are no rules or regulations, or right or wrong way to be. I did CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy for years and years. One reason it worked so well was my therapist insisted I attend three times a week at first. And I finally found someone who clicked with me, and moreover I was ready to do the hard work. This was the 4th or 5th tdoc I had seen -- therapy felt like an expensive way to talk with a good friend l until I met this male tdoc. Eventually all of the past crap, all the abuse, the family stories came out but that never was the focus. It is was me in my life at that time. Over the years I took those hard earned tools back out into my life and finally 'graduated'. Now due to unfortunate circumstances I think it would be beneficial for me to go back into therapy. I always tell my friends it is a gift. Having the space to unload my junk without having to organize anyone one else;s in return. I guess there is no reason not to at least start with the same tdoc again. THnaks for listening!! lol
  4. omg. It's my TEN YEAR anniversary!!! woot woot!! lol. Happy Anniversary to me! hahahahah

  5. I'm so sorry. What a jerk. I hope you are your siblings can go after her for the money. I COMPLETELY relate to this... My rabbit hole has been appearing much more often lately, I think because of the light, or lack of it rather. Me too! lol. It is ridiculous. But when I am down that rabbit hole, everything fucking thing in my life looks dark, and bleak, and hopeless. This IS your depression talking Beth. You are a wonderful vibrant person who has a disease that takes over. My life looks blessed from the outside, and it is. I have a job, a house, loving friends and family and two cats that keep me sane. Yeah, maybe my husband did leave me after 27 fucking years, but he was NOT attracted to ME at the end of the relationship, so I am better off now. But tell that to my critical voice. My hippocampus and my amygdala start hanging out and having a field day and my mood plunges down the rabbit hole. My depressions tend to be triggered, and those memories hit my emotions head on and a collision ensues, all parties dead on arrival. I feel the depression knocking on my door, wanting to come in, and often lately, due to stress, anxiety and too many sick friends, the door opens, and my crazy barrels in taking over my life. But I know that it is a DISEASE. It is not ME. It is so easy for me to negate everything I have ever done or believed or wanted when depressed. Nothing is safe from the rabbit hole. It is a black rabbit hole, no light or air, sucking everything in to disappear into the darkness. But here I am, at 61 years old, having achieved more than I ever thought I would. I have an incredible daughter who I have to stay alive and well for. So know that depression takes no prisoners, it makes no DIFFERENCE WHATSOVER what you are doing in your life. You can be the CEO of Apple and be depressed and hopeless. When I watched the Stanford lecture on depression for the first time, the line that stayed with me is one about having cancer is better, because at least you can enjoy the sunset. I am trying to reduce the triggers, protect my free time, and stamp out that critical voice. I wake in the morning and the voice starts on me - you are ALONE, that must mean I am worthless. But I call BULLSHIT. So what? There are PLENTY of wonderful women who live alone and choose to live alone. Yeah, maybe it is not for me, and yeah maybe finding guys on the internet isnt the answer, but there is someone out there for me and we will meetup, even if it is in five years from now. One day at a time. One hour at a time. It is a struggle my life. And I have succeeded. I am a functional depressive who is functioning so well most of the people in my life have NO clue. But ALL of my friends know. I am done pretending. If someone asks, how are you?, I don't lie anymore. I'll say 'ok'. I cry all the time. Many times it is from grief, I have lost too many people in my life lately, and crying at least for me, is good. But the depression, the voice, the feeling, the dead feeling, the non feeling, the looking around my life and seeing waste is NOT OKAY. And it is NOT ME. I am sure if I had a different family, parents who knew how to show their love, parents who didn't neglect and abuse us, siblings who didn't abuse each other, yeah maybe, my life would be different. But, I was also born into the world with NO pachyderm, no outer skin to protect me. A vulnerable little girl who only wanted to be loved. The depression developed from nature and nurture but at this point, it is all one big melting pot of messiness. Pretending I am not depressed does not help, and beating myself up for being depressed DEFINITELY does not help. This disease is not me and yet, it is OF me.