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About Sage22BSTi

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  1. Sage22BSTi

    Struggling with eating

    I struggle just trying to eat. I don't enjoy the food I once did, or any for that matter. I'm down to about a half a meal a day on average, and losing weight. I usually maintain 140-145 because of my metabolism, which is already a low weight for being 6' 1", but I weight about 125 right now. I'm always hungry, but anytime I start to eat, I eat about half, then want to puke, not feel like puking, I just want to. I used to eat alot. 2 pizzas for dinner, 3 bowls of cereal for breakfast with toast, but I just can't bring myself to eat. I waste so much food because I know I won't eat the rest of it. Over the last three days, I've had toast, two corndogs, and a sandwich. With how fast my metabolism is, I need to intake 3000 calories a day to maintain my with, and I'm getting about 800 a day. Does anyone have some advice, or ideas to get me to eat?
  2. I struggle with this as well. I know it takes very little effort, but with how shitty I feel, I shower once or twice a week. I've always noticed that once I get in the shower, the hot water makes me feel slightly better, so I'll stand there for 20 minutes, not even doing anything. There has to be some psychology behind that I haven't seen yet, but I heard that lonely/depressed people tend to take less frequent, but longer showers because it puts them in a sense of calm and warmth that they find false, and because they don't want to lose it, they just stay away from it.
  3. Sage22BSTi

    Venting and cutting..

    lets start with the age of 11. First suicide attempt, failed. Second attempt a year later, tried to drown myself. I figured these attempts would work, because i did die from a head injury when i was 8 and my heart restarted. Cutting myself was not my first option but i got there, eventually. at the age of 14, i started freshman year of highschool, and took two classes that really interested me. Auto shop and machining/welding. I have had a large strive to learn how to fix/create because im running from the fact i cant fix myself. at this point, my depression is bad, so ive shut out everyone to keep them from dealing with me. 3 year later, while taking those classes over and over, there was never an incedent that could get me killed, but i did learn pain, and i learned it well. busting up my hands working on cars, molten steel on my skin, i have countless scars. Then something happened. I fell in love. For the first time in years, i looked forward to the next day. But she strung me along, and my life got drastically worse. I was abused from a young age, physically, emotionally, and verbally. I felt like no one cared, and i couldnt deal with the heartbreak, so i became an alcoholic. ive temporarily put off drinking, but i dont know for how long. for three straight weeks, i woke up and did the same thing. Ate, felt dead inside, and would check by finding ways to draw blood.cutting myself, "falling" onto a nail in a board, working on a car to let the wrench slip. I had to check and see if i was still alive, everyday. Ive cut that down by a little, no pun intended, but i still cant deal with the feeling of being dead, and knowing that life goes on. Im (theoretically) in a better place, but i dont feel it. Can anyone help me understand this?
  4. It's been awhile since my last posting. Since everything that happened between then and now, quite a few things happened. The girl I talked about, she got pregnant from her peice of shit boyfriend who's now a methhead, and I told her if anything went South, that I wouldn't mind being a father for the child. Two weeks later, she had a miscarriage, and I died inside again. Then it got better. She took advantage of how I felt about her to make herself feel wanted because her boyfriend wasn't doing good enough. After that, told me I had no real place in her life, and that killed me even more. So much so, that my friends wouldn't let me drive alone. They took my gun, took all my knives, and would constantly check up on me. Trying to deal with it all, I took up drinking. I stopped after downing half a bottle of Jim beam black, 86 proof in two minutes, and didn't have a hangover after 5 hours of sleep. I had become an alcoholic so my buddy took my alcohol to see how long I could last without a drink. I made it 17 hours before I came to his door begging for it. I also took up smoking. I still care about this girl, and she's in a better place now that methhead is gone, but for a while was cutting herself, and I asked her to stop as a favor to me. She felt guilty about what she did and I wouldn't let her blame herself. My little sister, who was dating my best friend got pregnant, and had a miscarriage too. Then one of my buddy's tried to kill himself by driving into a tree at 80 with no seatbelt. My mom turned into an alcoholic version of my stepdad, and my girlfriend who I have now, I want to leave, but don't want to hurt her. I want to be with the last girl no matter how much it might mess me up, but I can't bring myself to hurt my girlfriend. The messed up part is she makes me happy, at least to a degree, but is way to serious right now. Asked about kids, marriage, and we've been going out for a few months. I can't tell anyone I know about this problem because I know it will circle back. I don't know what to do about her, she makes me feel like I'm wanted, and needed, but I just want to be alone. I can't commit, not now, when I'm still so messed up in the head. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I pump so much nicotine into my body that it literally makes me sick, but I can't stop. I've temporarily put off drinking, but I don't know for how long. I feel like I'm running and endless loop that I can't get out of. Happy, lonely, depressed, suicidal, then feel nothing at all. I don't even trust myself to be alone e anymore, and I've held a knife to my wrist more times that I can count. The only thing that stops me is the little thought in my head of "who am I going to hurt by doing this?". I'm constantly listening to depressing music, and losing sleep, appetite, and weight. I have a fast metabolism and usually maintain 140-145, but I'm down to 130. I got my back checked out and I have 4 different degrees of skoliosis, and I'm constantly exhausted. I'm now working 60 to 70 hours a week on salary with no overtime. My OCD and ADD are in overdrive and so is my depression, half the time, I don't even know what set it off. The only time I feel genuinely happy is when the girl I want to be with is who I'm thinking about, and all of my friends except for two hate her, and blame her for my problems, even though they were there before she came along. I don't know what to do, wiether to cut all ties and leave, jump off a bridge, go on like nothing's wrong, or make a decision that could make or break me. Any opinions or ideas would be much appreciated
  5. Sage22BSTi

    Not sure what my question is

    I'm not sure what this is, or why it scared me, and I've got a few more to think about posting, but I'm just gonna ask about this one for now. I was at a buddy's house until about 1130 at night, and had walked out the door to my car. I realized I forgot to tell him something, so I went back to the door, and he had locked it, so I knocked on the door. All the lights in his house were off when he came to the door. I looked at where the sound of the door was opening through the screen/glass door and saw someone standing there. It scared the hell out of me because it wasn't who I was expecting to see, because it felt like I had never seen this person before in my life, but they are staring right back at me. After a good second, I realized I was looking at my own reflection, but I didn't recognize myself. I don't know what this scared me so bad, but it did. Can anyone help me understand this? I was dealing with a worse state of depression at the time, and had some other wonderful kicks while I was down at the time.
  6. Sage22BSTi


    From the time I was 2 till 10, I moved a total of 7 times, had been abused by2 stepdads and my dad, was constantly put down by them, and lost pretty much everyone in my life, so to protect myself from this, I stopped being the person I was. When I was 10, I started to suffer from depression and suicidal tendencies and kept it to myself until I was 17. Went to drugs and alcohol, but neither one helped, so I just went back to being the cold, cruel a-hole everyone veiwed me as. There's only 4 people in this world I trust and my mom isn't one of them. Since I lost everything including my family, I just tried to stop being a person
  7. This is a forum for people who cannot socialize. Whether your an introvert through trauma or by nature, share your experience here. I am an introvert through trauma
  8. I constantly am picking at different peices of skin on my hand, fingers and legs. It's so bad that I have permanent scar tissue in some areas. I mainly do it when I'm nervous but it's been gradually getting worse
  9. Im just done. I work almost 40 hours a week, get 3 hours of sleep a night. I barely make time to eat. My car needs so many replacement parts that I can't keep up with it. My stepdad and Mom are getting divorced, so he took 200 bucks out of my wallet. My grandpa came home drunk and I got into a shouting match with him. I went down the road, told my mom over the phone, and as I was turning around, he hit the rear of my car at 35, destroyed his, threw out my back, and blames me. He's now suicidal. My brother hates my guts for no reason other than my stepdad makes him think I'm the bad guy. I'm not going to graduate high school because of the amount of shit I have to deal with. I'm not going to make it into the Marine corps because of this. I've been single for years, met a girl who's perfect for me, she just ended her last relationship so I asked her out. For 14 hours, I was actually happy. Next morning, I find out they got back together. I had stopped dating because of how my last relationship ended. I was suicidal at age 11 to 16, and had an abusive father when I was very young. My entire family has disowned me and my mom. I'm always depressed, have anxiety issues, a introvert, and purposely a dick to people to keep them out of the black hole that is my life. My dog died, my cat is about to, my grandpa refuses to speak to me, my brother won't acknowledge me, and my stepdad wants me gone. I cried for a good 15 minutes after talking to the girl who I was going to go out with when she told me that. I just want to fucking die at this point. I have nothing in my life worth living for, nothing to show for, a dead end job, no money, no happiness, and no life. I don't enjoy anything anymore and I can't find a reason to continue, and don't understand why I keep going. Life has beat me into the ground and kicked me while I'm down, and continues to do so. I just don't know what to do anymore...