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About liv

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  1. have you been to a psychiatrist ? bc they could professionally diagnose you with something. the first thing that comes to my mind is some type of schizophrenia or schizo like symptoms, hard to tell with the info youve given you know plus i am not a doctor lmao
  2. i just joined this site so i could reply to this and get my feelings out there because ive shamed myself for this so much but i have so many questions and im very confused and trying to understand why i do this. i feel like i have two voices in my head, after years of depression ive created some self worth and so that part of me is saying hey you deserve happiness but then my other side says no you dont why would you think you deserve happiness ?? and people say it's a way of punishing myself because i think i deserve the pain and while yes i think that is semi true, i also think what if its not because theres obviously a part of me who thinks i dont deserve this pain. the scary part to me about this is i feel i purposely shoot down my happy side sometimes ? not all the time but sometimes i dont fight the intrusive thoughts and i just let them come and im okay with it, i want to be sad and feel hurt and pain. i was sitting on my bathroom floor once crying about something that hurt and i was telling myself you don't deserve to be treated this way but i feel like i purposely shot myself down and said yes i do. i want to feel this way. maybe this is a way to feel something ? i dont usually cry bc ive bottled it up for so long so maybe thats why i purposely make myself cry and feel hurt bc i want to feel something ? i dont know bc its not that i dont want to be happy bc im fine with my happy and okay moments but when the depression really kicks in i dont fight it off and i dont want to, i just want to sit there and wallow. maybe i have a self pity problem ? maybe i just want to feel sorry for myself but at the same time i dont i just simply want to put myself down and remind myself of my awful childhood and all the bad things that have happened to me and how they were my fault and then shoot down any thought that tries to tell me it wasnt my fault but then feel bad and guilty for all of those things being my fault. maybe my id and unconscious desires arent sexual ones but are self destructive ones idk