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Had a tiny fight with my psychiatrist, he seems to be dobuting my diagnosis. In the hospital they tried to say i was bpd with bipolar, but my psychologist says i cant be bpd and even my psychiatrist used to think im not. I dont have any bpd traits other than emotional inestability. Anyways im mad bc people dobut my psychotic symptoms he thinks is just something from my imagination or something "typical" from me. Im mad bc the new medication is not working and now i have panic attacks i didnt had before. The hospital kinda helped kinda made things worse. I feel like my doctor has left me behind, he doesnt care anymore, if he had answered or seen me 15days before when i asked, before i had my big crisis i wouldnt had ended in hospital. Im scheduling an appointment with a new doctor. But i feel so lost, so sad, like no one can help me, not even doctors. Its not fair. This illness is destroying my life. Has anyone ever had this kind of problems with doctors? Have you had a moment where medication made things worse?
I am having a lot of problems. I am enrolled in a mental health program, and I (finally) see the psychiatrist in 2 weeks, but I am basically holding on my a thread until then, because it feels like my only hope. I'm 34 and I still have no real diagnosis, because I've never been able to access medical care for long enough to get one. The current tentative one is Bipolar II with Eating Disorder in remission, but I've been given ADHD, GAD, OCD, OCPD, MDD in the past, plus Gender Dysphoria and some autoimmune activity as well. Also pretty deep poverty. I am cripplingly depressed and dysfunctional. I've had repeated "bad periods" of my life, where I'll be previously be "neurotic but stable", but then start slipping downwards into complete non-function. When this happens I usually lose my job and my partner, and more than once my home and most of my personal possessions -- this has happened over and over. This current "bad period" started last summer, where I just started to feel a little more tired, but now I've had to drop out of everything in life since can barely leave the house, am increasingly suicidal. The only reason I'm not homeless this time is a family member stepped in to help my bills (which no one has ever done before). And the ED is starting to resurface after many years in remission because I literally can't afford to buy food and don't qualify for state assistance. Some days I have overwhelming depression and hopelessness and can barely get out of bed. Some days I feel constant looming terror like something bad will happen and I'm afraid to leave my room. Some days I seem to be emotionally all over place. Some days I feel completely groggy, like my head is in a fog, and have difficulty making sentences or even playing solitaire. As far as I can see all of this is totally random and happens for no reason. However -- and this is big -- from the outside most people see nothing wrong. I'm never "sick enough" to have an "excuse" for my problems. I've had several different brief periods with talk-therapy, usually 6 months max, and I hate them because they've never seemed to do anything beneficial. I talk about my feelings and do whatever little "tips" they tell me and then go home and nothing is changed. Currently I'm supposed to be doing "affirmations" (yet again) but I simply cannot -- they say that negative self-talk is "a self-fulfilling prophesy", but the fact is I didn't have negative self-talk when I was younger and first having problems. Every evidence of my adult life shows that I fail out of everything and can't function as an adult. I have zero confidence in myself because I have zero evidence of capability. I feel defective. My mom and some other people are pushing me to get disability, but I've tried to tell them I don't even have a diagnosis -- being a dysfunctional loser isn't a legal disability. They are also pinning a lot of hopes on the Psychiatrist, as if taking a pill is the solution to all problems instantaneously. I know it doesn't work that way, because even if they put me on the "right" meds the first time around, they don't start working right away anyway. I'm enrolled in college but I am barely hanging on, and I don't know if my problems are going to get better fast enough to avoid getting kicked out. And if I lose that, I have absolutely nothing left in life. I just wish I had an "explanation", and some "validation", but it feels like most people think that even if I do have genuine problems, they aren't actually bad enough to explain my dysfunctional life. So I don't know what I'm asking or what kind of support I need right now.