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Found 7 results

  1. I will try to keep this brief. I was always depressed and my senior year of college (a year ago) I had a major psychotic break where I literally thought I was flying through the universe. I was hospitalized in for two weeks, and I have been trying to fine tune my meds. I am working closely with my Pdoc, but am getting very discouraged. Any input would be appreciated. Lithium is what brought be out of my mania, and I have been on 900mg er every since. I have gone thru Latuda. Could only get to 60 mg. I took with food, but still felt ill most of the time. Cannot take Lamictal due to headaches. Tried Vryalar and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I am now up to 4mg of Rexulti as of last weekend. My Paranoia is the highest it has been since my hospitalization. Saw my Pdoc Friday and he said too soon to tell on the increased dosage and I can go from 7. out of 10 to 3 out of 10 in a matter of minutes. He added a small dose of Lexapro to help with my depression. Rexulti has been the best drug from a side effect profile. If I could rid myself of the paranoia I would almost be normal. Does anyone have any suggestions? Really appreciate it.
  2. Thursday night was scary for me. I felt a mood suddenly ink in and I think I may have been hallucinating or dissociating due to the anxiety I was experiencing. I actually saw out of the corner of my right eye a face that was letting out all the angst I was feeling. It was a tortured hideous expression, and as soon as it appeared, it disappeared and I could feel all those churning emotions inking back into me. Soo weird !!! Was this dissociation, am I now BiPolar, what in the heck happened to me? Never had this, this intense before. I was afraid of........ me. I don't have a clue what triggered all this. I could tell something seriously was wrong, so what do I do? I go straight to the computer and go to my favorite site to order things I have never been able to afford before as that is one technique to self soothe, only I went overboard. Yes, I extended my line of credit one late night and now I am buying things that I don't even remember, even two or three of the same item. I am now busy returning most of them. However, there are items I have wanted for sooo long that I am now buying, I won't even go into the items I am sending back, way to embarrassing, lol. What scared me the most was the enormous scary mood swing, out of the blue, the mood was bigger than life to me. I could hear my psych doc telling me what to do as going thru a mood swing like this your body can tolerate extra medication, so I took 1/2 of a 25 mg Seroquel and it did nothing to stop the mood, so 1/2 hour later, I took another half of the 25 mg and it worked, within 30 minutes I was out and I slept 14 hours, woke up in a completely different mood, a completely different person. I had to say to myself this morning when I woke up, who was that person last night, I didn't even recognize myself and what I went thru. What a difference a good nights sleep does and strong medicine to help me get to and stay asleep. Wondering now if I am BiPolar because I heard that only a solid 12 hours of sleep will break cycling and I was definitely cycling last night. I have been coming down from Zyprexa due to extreme vertigo, so wondering if this may have been part of what happened to me. I also have reduced the Klonopin due to issues with my HMO and have had to stock-pile them, which leaves me wide open for more anxiety. Lately, my mood and anxiety/panic have rendered me housebound and even sometimes too fearful to get out of my bed. Update: Last night felt extreme paranoia inking in, back at the computer ordering things I don't even remember ordering as I see notices coming thru my email account, so took a full 25 mg of Seroquel and within an hour, the paranoia was gone and I slept straight thru 14 hours until this morning. This morning feeling less paranoid, more grounded and a bit sedated due to the Seroquel. Will see how the day progresses and if the paranoia and dissociation occurs again tonight.
  3. So I saw my psych doc today and he feels the best reactions I have had to control most all my symptoms are in this class of medications. Where I do not like this "named" class, I will give this one drug one more try. I have been on them all but this one. All the others I can take for short bursts of time. We are trying to find something I can take long-term. Starting tonight with 20 mg of Latuda. I also asked for Cogentin to help with the horrible muscle spasms and rigid muscles. Mail order will eventually get me the Trasadone to help with sleep and Cogentin for muscle issues. I asked for Xanax and he wouldn't allow that since it's too short acting. I tried to convince him I need something for emergency purposes and he still said no. It's been 6 months since I have seen my psych doc and in 40 minutes he went thru all my back history, last 30 years to try to find something to help me. He also wrote to my landlord stating that my new kitten is my therapy cat and can therefore not charge me any pet deposits nor fees. I love him for doing that for me !!! So, after 35 years of treating me I asked... am I BiPolar or what am I? He said basically I suffer under the umbrella of chronic PTSD, tramatic brain injury and childhood abuse. The symptoms I continue to have will not go away, but need to be treated, great, huh? At least he was truthful. Settling in for the long-haul or what's left of my life. Somehow I was magically under the illusion I would be cured, lol.
  4. I’m back. I think the last time I posted I was just getting adjusted to tegretol. Well, it’s been a trip through hell and back, but I’m here. I landed at a new pdoc last September after I transferred with my company and couldn’t find a pdoc soon enough to refill my klonopin. Yes, klonopin, the worst drug ever. I went to the hospital, got a pdoc appointment the next day & so began the hell of being prescribed the wrong meds and trusting a doctor that seemed more concerned about billing as many patients as possible than helping people recover. I was in a depersonalized state when this started, but I didn’t know what it was. My dr put me on 400 mg tegretol and 1 mg klonopin. I instantly turned into a hungry zombie. Slowly the zombie fog lifted then autoimmune symptoms cropped up. Hair was falling out in clumps and handfuls. Skin was cracking and bleeding. Eczema everywhere. Dermatologist misdiagnosed me with dermatomyositis which scared me to death. I was told I may have lupus. No energy. Legs bleeding from scratching. And my 5 minute a session once a month pdoc kept me on tegretol and added 150mg lithium for depression. He transferred me to his private IOP. That was a cluster. The secretary was screwing up my appointments. I’d go and wait for counseling but the counselor was over booked so three hours later, I’d leave without seeing the counselor. The counselor made everything worse because she kept trying to get me to dig around my past trauma (which FYI every human being has), and it only made my anxiety and depersonalization worse. On all these meds I was rapid cycling, working very scattered and confused, taking on side work, becoming hypomanic and committing to something only to have panic attacks and flee. Finally, after the IOP secretary gave me a card with an appointment date for two weeks later than she actually wrote on the calendar, I had to wait two more weeks to see my pdoc...yeah, that was the last straw. I finally reached out to trusted friends with connections from their nursing jobs to get an appointment with a well respected pdoc. I just saw him. Keep in mind the past two weeks I’ve been rapid cycling and depersonalized and riddled with panic. I stopped taking tegretol and lithium because I just got worse. Oh did I mention last pdoc put me on doxepin for sleep? Wtf. It made me feel like a drugged, dirt hangover crawling out of my skin. Pdocs-stop giving rapid cycling bipolar patients antidepressants!! so here I am. Just saw new pdoc. He prescribed 25mg seroquel to sleep and stop random paranoia when I’m hypo. Gabapebtin at my request to heal my broken brain. Started on lamictal again which actually works for me and kept me on .5mg of klonopin. I’m seeing him once a week until we get me stabilized and ready to wean off klonopin. He instantly said my dizziness, confusion, scattered thinking, and dream like experiences were dissociation caused by severe anxiety and I’m highly sensitive and react paradoxically to medication. also, his office was very calming. I was the only patient there and when I left, another walked in. He saw me for over 30 minutes. my last pdoc literally had over 100 patients in his waiting room at all times. Standing room only. Lines around the corner to pay copays. Then he ran the IOP and would see 50 plus patients a night and also did rounds at a local hospital. Oh and he drove a 150k Mercedes. Hmm. all in all, I’m here. Seroquel knocked me out. I freaked myself out last night because I woke up around 3 am and my leg and arm were stiff in the air. Like I tried to get out of bed and just fell asleep again. I do like gabapebtin so far. Lamictal is fine I just need to titrate up. in all of this I’m concerned about my job. I’m an architect and the pressure cracked me up. Also, I’ve worked hard for years to fix my finances and buy a house. Of course, I finally did it and close on my house in a week. Great time to have a nervous breakdown. Because that’s what happened. My brain and central nervous system are fried and I just want to feel normal.
  5. Hello everyone! Where to begin... I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with some avoidant traits. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since elementary school (I am 22 now). Up til this point, I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and passed around from therapist to therapist. I was heavily self- harming and abusing alcohol and other substances. A few months ago, I was sent to yet another center after a suicide attempt. Let me tell you, it changed my life. I was introduced to DBT, which has truly saved me. I am finally on the correct medication which has seriously reduced, if not stopped, my horrid intrusive thoughts and paranoia. Before, I was to the point I could hardly get out of bed, and already had to drop out of college and leave my job. Now, I have rediscovered my love for art, I am waitressing (something I would have NEVER thought possible) and- best of all- my relationship with my fiance is SO much better and we are back to planning our wedding. I am back to seeing a therapist regularly, and she is awesome. I've finally confronted issues with my toxic mother and am opening up about traumatic childhood experiences as well as working through family therapy with my father (and my mother, when he can convince her to join). The fact is, life is GOOD, I am somewhere I thought I would never be and I am incredibly grateful. I'm back here to recieve support now that I am more stable and moving forward into uncharted territory in my life. Thanks for being here and reading.
  6. I don't know if I should class this symptom; is it a facet of bipolar disorder, or just ingrained negative thinking patterns, or an enduring part of my personality? I am paranoid of people I work with. Sounds silly, and usually perfectly sane people have trust issues around people they work with because of backstabbing, gossip, office politics etc. etc. I guess what I found different is that it seemed to be because of my mood. A few days before my period I was hyped up and mildly agitated. I was training new people who were just lowering the bar of expectation for me. Basically they were insubordinate, seemed to not trust anything I told them, walked away several times in the middle of me training them, asked other coworkers the same questions they asked me (to which they gave them the same answer), and became very defensive when I told them to pay attention. They made some comment about how they studied psychology and understand people. I did not like training them because they were doing poorly, and not grasping anything, and then trying to blame me for their screw ups. Another trainee had this inability to shut-up, and listen. He got reamed out a few times by a couple of coworkers for major infractions. Instead of not doing said behavior repeatedly, he blamed someone for calling him out on it. The other screw up trainee started bashing on this coworker, calling them a snitch and a rat. The trainee had never even met this coworker. I was pissed. I decided to be a rat and told my supervisor. I spoke with the other coworker who was bashed on that if they wanted to call anyone a rat they can come to me. I was kind of feeling ramped up at this point, plus it was a day before my period. Not to mention I am on a diet and trying to cut back on coffee. My period hit and I calmed down a little; but then I got super agitated after the person I trained showed up at work after being told they were getting fired. I vented to my supervisor. And as expected they screwed up so royally, they are now under investigation by the client, at the very least. I started feeling down. I started thinking I was going to get fired for saying something and about the bullying and shit behavior. I kept my professional demeanor on but on the inside I felt like everything was my fault. I started thinking in a depressive way where everything was empty and I was just felt really down with paranoia. Some really minor non-eventful things happened and I felt like people were conspiring to fire me. A coworker who I barely knew didn't say hi to me, and then I thought they hated me and were trying to get me fired. By Wednesday I was at the doctors office and was advised to go down 50mg, from 300mg to 250mg of Lyrica. My other med is Zoloft 100mg. I am feeling better. I just rested as much as possible on Wednesday, and I was in a much better mood by Thursday. I am new to accepting my Bipolar II diagnosis. I was advised to add abilify to the mix but I had tried that drug before and reacted with extreme anxiety and agitation (akithesia). After a brief psychiatric assessment with a really good doctor I was also advised to try Latuda, or Lamotrigine to my cocktail. I am not sure of either and I am worried I'll be activated, or something will just go wrong in my adjustment to the new meds that will put me out of work, and just render me useless. My other worry is my bipolar II diagnosis might be off, but I think it might be accurate. To remedy the situation I asked my doctor to sign me up with the psychiatrist as my regular pdoc. He is very good but I might have to wait another year or so. They also put me on a waitlist for a med assessment at the local mental hospital to help in the interim. I do feel I have some good coping skills in place that are in tune when things are changing for me. I have a pretty decent support network too. I just don't know what to make of my thinking patterns and negativity. It seems so ingrained I am not sure if it is just me or bipolar disorder. Edit: Considering new meds. Not sure where to go in terms of what to add/ remove. Will keep lamotrigine and latuda in mind. Depakote was mentioned as well. Is abilify calming at higher doses? I took a low dose once and found myself feeling so anxious on it. Absolutely could not sleep.
  7. Three days ago I felt like there was mold growing in my brain and it was controlling my thoughts. I am now in a time of feeling a little less crazy, but I know in 30 minutes that might change again. Yesterday, I was waiting for someone to drive me home from church and I started believing the whole church was a cult and all religion is a mind control cult, which some people believe this but its not normal for me. I grew up in church. It made me feel very afraid. Then I started believing that demons were in my brain because of the mold in my brain. I tried to call my old pastor about this and he just reassured me that this is a mental health issue but I cant trust him. I cant trust anybody right now. The only person I trust is my therapist I am seeing tomorrow. I feel like something catachlysmic is coming. The last week every morning I check the news on my phone to see if a nuke hit. I feel like I'm one of the only people going to heaven and I am having a hard time trusting anyone else. I have also been having weird dreams, nightmares. I have lost touch with my normal self. I take geodon and feel less paranoid but that wears off after a few hours. Ativan helps too, but not that much.
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