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Emotionally hurting one's self

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i have done this, i just thought i was crazy, or not what anyone else did, or if it had a name or something. i hate doing this, i agree when you say it's a self punishment thing

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I have a different viewpoint on this.

I'm *very* self-critical. I'm also critical of other people, but they get slack because I don't expect them to be perfect. Myself, I should be. This mainly comes from the notion that I should always be right and in control of myself. I berate myself for any perceived slip because I fear that others will judge me for it and deem me worthless and incorrect. I feel like I have to prepare for any attack at my thoughts and actions and have all my bases covered to avoid situations where I'm wrong, and therefore worthless and have my thoughts/opinions be brushed aside and no longer matter. This is due to a fear of not living up to expectations and the backlash that always came from me being at all imperfect when growing up.

But, that's completely fear based and I definitely don't derive any pleasure from it. It's a constant that is there whether I'm feeling happy or sad. And it's only brought out in situations where I feel somehow threatened/inadequate intellectually or emotionally. I mainly do it to avoid making mistakes - mulling over all the wrongs in an attempt to not repeat them.

Where I do make myself feel bad on purpose is, well.. more of a wallowing/defeated thing. Not so much that I keep myself down when I am, so much as feeling like happiness is a barrier between feeling ok and blocking out the negative that is constantly present. A barrier that must fall, needs to fall, here and there. I've found that allowing and even pushing the negative feelings to the surface serves to attend to them in a way that's easier for me to handle. Kind of like how sometimes you just need to cry to feel better. I can force them down by feeling/faking happy and/or becoming numb to my feelings. But the longer I push them away, the worse they feel when they inevitably push through. It's like taking a breather in a fight. In this way, feeling bad makes me feel good. And I like that feeling. You could say that I'm somewhat addicted to it. In the end, I'm glad and like the process in a way. Perhaps moreso than I should. But I think, ultimately, I like the result of relief that comes after. I don't know if that's more or less healthy, but it's what I do.

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I'm glad this thread was revived, because I was thinking about posting this very same topic a few weeks ago. I've always known it isn't healthy to have my mind in a constant negative loop, but I hadn't put it together that it is SI that actually causes me so much more pain and lasting injury than the physical SI. I spend most of my time hating myself for pretty much everything I do, hating my physical body, hating the world around me, thinking of how fucked up everything is. It's all encompassing, swamps me, and doesn't let me come up for air often enough to take a look around and see what bullshit all of those thoughts are. Which makes them almost impossible to conquer, because they MAKE SENSE. Yes, if I weren't mentally ill, my life would probably be easier. Yes, if I spent more time planning, I could make better meals (w/work, four kids, being actively sick with MI). Yes, if I just took a long walk every day, I would lose weight. Oh, this all makes so much sense, can't argue. How about-- if I hadn't screamed so often at my children years ago, they would be happier now. It doesn't matter that I don't have a time machine to go change that, it's ALL MY FAULT. EVERYTHING is. And the thoughts never stop, I even dream about how horrible everything is. ETA: I should add that this looping negativity often leads to the physical SI-- sometimes to hurt myself more, sometimes for the relief-- and it usually gives me a brief respite from the thoughts-- I don't give myself grief for the physical SI, oddly.

Which is making me grateful that lithium seems to be helping this time around (plus all of the other pills). My brain is quieter, I can sit still and not *think* so much, I can just be. Of course, it comes at the expense of feeling like a zombie (for me), but I prefer a zombie state to how my brain usually is.

Speaking of which, I'm not sure my post is coherent. I really need to stop posting after I take my nightime pills.

I really relate to this. I beat myself up for not finishing school earlier, for feeling like a let down to my parents, for not fulfilling the measure of my potential, for not recording my album, for being bipolar because after all my parents' son should not have any sort of problem, deficiency, failure etc.

During my last "episode" I spent about 8 hours writing some crazed manifesto where I confessed to every fault and sin I could think of...I felt so awful...like such a total failure. When the sun came up I called my parents in a crashed state and they came running and I just apologized over and over and over again for being such a fuck up and despite their attempts to assure me that they were in fact proud of everything I've done and accomplished, I couldn't accept it.

While I have a history of actual physical self abuse using several different methods, I think the most harmful has certainly been the emotional cutting I do to my heart and soul. I don't let myself off the hook for anything. I don't know how. I don't give myself any room and live in a constant state of regret, desire to change the past and heartache. I obsess over my first true love not loving me as much as I loved her. It's awful and I strive each day to think about my present...the future will come...but if I can just live in the present instead of my past and not place so much judegment on myself, maybe I can break this awful cycle.

I don't know though...it's so hard.

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I have a different viewpoint on this.

I'm *very* self-critical. I'm also critical of other people, but they get slack because I don't expect them to be perfect. Myself, I should be. This mainly comes from the notion that I should always be right and in control of myself. I berate myself for any perceived slip because I fear that others will judge me for it and deem me worthless and incorrect. I feel like I have to prepare for any attack at my thoughts and actions and have all my bases covered to avoid situations where I'm wrong, and therefore worthless and have my thoughts/opinions be brushed aside and no longer matter. This is due to a fear of not living up to expectations and the backlash that always came from me being at all imperfect when growing up.

But, that's completely fear based and I definitely don't derive any pleasure from it. It's a constant that is there whether I'm feeling happy or sad. And it's only brought out in situations where I feel somehow threatened/inadequate intellectually or emotionally. I mainly do it to avoid making mistakes - mulling over all the wrongs in an attempt to not repeat them.

I do this too. I can completely relate to these two paragraphs.

Worst thing is, I've only just realised I do it.

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I've caught myself bombarding me with material, media, thoughts and memories that just make me feel worse and worse. Things that depress, freak me out or hurt me. This goes back far longer than my physical SI, actually.

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I've caught myself bombarding me with material, media, thoughts and memories that just make me feel worse and worse. Things that depress, freak me out or hurt me. This goes back far longer than my physical SI, actually.

me too! I wasnt sure anybody else did that. I love scary movies yet hate them because the gory ones freak me out yet draw me in at the same time. so I am attracted to scaring/grossing myself out. I make myself read books that depress me and movies that make me want to self harm (although I resist) but thats almost why I enjoy them. its really really awful. I didnt even realize this until recently. I also dwell on memories that are worthless and I just daydream about things that make me feel bad. :/ not fun but I dont know... its a habbitt I have had for a long time. so I agree with what you said.

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I get a lot of intrusive memories too currently. Mine are in the late evenings mainly. And I have a tendency to beat myself up emotionally over the things that I remember. It is very annoying.

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I've caught myself bombarding me with material, media, thoughts and memories that just make me feel worse and worse. Things that depress, freak me out or hurt me. This goes back far longer than my physical SI, actually.

I've been doing this as long as I can remember.

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I like to see other people suffer, but when I can't do that, I would subsconsciously hurt myself by keeping everything bottled up and telling myself that I'm such a worthless drama queen and etc etc. I guess I could say that things kinda get bad real fast. I dun even know what kind of emotion I'm feeling anymore rn lol. Don't really know why I did this to myself tho. I guess I'm kinda addicted to that throbbing pain you got in your chest after you cried for hours. Actually I'm not even sure anymore if I'm actually happy about this or nah. Something tells me to stop lying to myself but I don't even sure if I ever lied to anyone like myself lol. Yeah.. I guess I'm kinda lost rn.. Why am I even typing this anyway? I dunno. Dunno about everything. Don't really care anymore. This is kinda wasting time, I even created an account just to post this. Wow, such a great life I have šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

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i just joined this site so i could reply to this and get my feelings out there because ive shamed myself for this so much but i have so many questions and im very confused and trying to understand why i do this. i feel like i have two voices in my head, after years of depression ive created some self worth and so that part of me is saying hey you deserve happinessĀ but then my other side says no you dont why would you think you deserve happinessĀ ?? and people say it's a way of punishing myself because i think i deserve the painĀ and while yes i think that is semi true, i also think what if its not because theres obviously a part of me who thinks i dont deserve this pain. the scary part to me about this is i feel i purposely shoot down my happy side sometimes ? not all the time but sometimes i dont fight the intrusive thoughts and i just let them come and im okay with it, i want to be sad and feel hurt and pain. i was sitting on my bathroom floor once crying about something that hurt and i was telling myself you don't deserve to be treated this way but i feel like i purposely shot myself down and said yes i do. i want to feel this way. maybe this is a way to feel something ? i dont usually cry bc ive bottled it up for so long so maybe thats why i purposely make myself cry and feel hurt bc i want to feel something ? i dont know bc its not that i dont want to be happy bc im fine with my happy and okay moments but when the depression really kicks in i dont fight it off and i dont want to, i just want to sit there and wallow. maybe i have a self pity problem ? maybe i just want to feel sorry for myself but at the same time i dont i just simply want to put myself down and remind myself of my awful childhood and all the bad things that have happened to me and how they were my fault and then shoot down any thought that tries to tell me it wasnt my fault but then feel bad and guilty for all of those things being my fault. maybe my id and unconscious desires arent sexual ones but are self destructive ones idk

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8 hours ago, liv said:

i just joined this site so i could reply to this and get my feelings out there because ive shamed myself for this so much but i have so many questions and im very confused and trying to understand why i do this. i feel like i have two voices in my head, after years of depression ive created some self worth and so that part of me is saying hey you deserve happinessĀ but then my other side says no you dont why would you think you deserve happinessĀ ?? and people say it's a way of punishing myself because i think i deserve the painĀ and while yes i think that is semi true, i also think what if its not because theres obviously a part of me who thinks i dont deserve this pain. the scary part to me about this is i feel i purposely shoot down my happy side sometimes ? not all the time but sometimes i dont fight the intrusive thoughts and i just let them come and im okay with it, i want to be sad and feel hurt and pain. i was sitting on my bathroom floor once crying about something that hurt and i was telling myself you don't deserve to be treated this way but i feel like i purposely shot myself down and said yes i do. i want to feel this way. maybe this is a way to feel something ? i dont usually cry bc ive bottled it up for so long so maybe thats why i purposely make myself cry and feel hurt bc i want to feel something ? i dont know bc its not that i dont want to be happy bc im fine with my happy and okay moments but when the depression really kicks in i dont fight it off and i dont want to, i just want to sit there and wallow. maybe i have a self pity problem ? maybe i just want to feel sorry for myself but at the same time i dont i just simply want to put myself down and remind myself of my awful childhood and all the bad things that have happened to me and how they were my fault and then shoot down any thought that tries to tell me it wasnt my fault but then feel bad and guilty for all of those things being my fault. maybe my id and unconscious desires arent sexual ones but are self destructive ones idk

Ahh.... Same... Actually, you said it better than I did...Ā 

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i have this need to get emotionally hurt by others,Ā really bad. Iā€™mĀ not sure why but maybe it isĀ because iā€™ve never experienced it? Iā€™mĀ not iā€™m not sure why i want to feel so amotionally Ā devastated,Ā but i know ive wanted it for a long time. Iā€™ve tried talking to friends about it but they donā€™t understand. I donā€™t get emotionally hurt by bringing my self down alone. i need to be brought down by others. i read a lot of dark romance, which i guess puts my mind on a negative loop,Ā one inĀ which i do not know nor do i want to get out of. One thing iā€™ve noticed a lot though, is my choosing of the friends i hang out with and my doubt of their love for me. I constantly become friends with people who arenā€™t good for me. I also i have my mind set on the fact that everyone is better than me and that no guy will ever love me how i deserve.Ā 

Ā 

Just now, Rachel Lopez said:

i have this need to get emotionally hurt by others,Ā really bad. Iā€™mĀ not sure why but maybe it isĀ because iā€™ve never experienced it? Iā€™mĀ notĀ sure why i want to feel so emotionally Ā devastated,Ā but i know ive wanted it for a long time. Iā€™ve tried talking to friends about it but they donā€™t understand. I donā€™t get emotionally hurt by bringing my self down alone. i need to be brought down by others. i read a lot of dark romance, which i guess puts my mind on a negative loop,Ā one inĀ which i do not know nor do i want to get out of. One thing iā€™ve noticed a lot though, is my choosing of the friends i hang out with and my doubt of their love for me. I constantly become friends with people who arenā€™t good for me. Also,Ā i have my mind set on the fact that everyone is better than me and that no guy will ever love me how i deserve.Ā 

Ā 

Ā 

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