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Parapluie

Anyone on the schizophrenia spectrum want to share?

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Forgetmenot, I hear you about money, ugh. I'm quickly running out of the stuff. 

 

Sanity, I'm really hoping Zyprexa helps!! Hopefully it'll start working soon, usually it does. By the way, sorry for commenting on everything you say today! :P You are just on my mind a lot lately. 

 

Maybe do you think your symptoms get worse in the middle of the day cause your stress rises throughout the day? Just a thought. I know my stress gets worse by the middle of the day. For example, I feel really anxious when it's sunny out, for some weird reason. I think it may be related to my past delusions. I wonder if you could try some relaxing techniques in the afternoon. I personally like to take a bubble bath (I'm such a girl! :P ). Though, I know a bubble bath can't solve everything. If only!

Comment away, I appreciate it.  Thank you for thinking of me, seriously it means a lot.

 

My symptoms *do* get worse as the day goes on, I was just talking about that with my mother when I was feeling a bit more lucid.  My stress level gradually goes up as the day goes on so I get more symptomatic.  It helps though to have a place where I can sort of, get it out of my system like.  The blog feature on this site is very useful for that, I have a feeling I'm going to be using it a lot.  Bubble baths are amazing, it's definitely one of my go to's when I'm having a bad day!

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No need to be embarrassed here. We've all thought some pretty crazy shit before. Feel free to ask for a reality check. :)

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No need to be embarrassed here. We've all thought some pretty crazy shit before. Feel free to ask for a reality check. :)

I'm worried that my doctor is being influenced by outside forces to lock me up forever for being an evil piece of shit.

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Well, I can assure you that you aren't an evil piece of shit. You are wonderful. And I'm sure your doctor is not plotting against you. He/she really wants to help you, I believe that's why they gave you Zyprexa. But I understand how worrisome thoughts like these can be. But I'm positive your doctor just wants you to get better. 

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Thank you.  It just feels true even though I know might not be.  Insight is so fucking weird. 

 

I sometimes have insight into my delusions, and it IS really weird. I agree with you. It's a horrible place to be because you doubt everything. 

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Thank you.  It just feels true even though I know might not be.  Insight is so fucking weird. 

 

I sometimes have insight into my delusions, and it IS really weird. I agree with you. It's a horrible place to be because you doubt everything. 

 

Exactly that.  It's horrible, now I'm constantly wondering, am I making sense? shit I don't know except when I do sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing here, am I delusional?, what was that, am I hallucinating again?, but it feels so real, this is bullshit, but that's classified as delusional thinking, well shit, I don't know what to think anymore, blah blah blah.  It sucks.  

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I hear fireworks for some reason...? Is it a holiday that I don't know about?

 

I went out for dinner with a friend and had a delicious meal. It was actually pretty nice. 

 

As well, I am so happy to be on holidays. Did I say that already? Lol. I'm just so glad to be done school for now. 

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Life's been busy - but in a good way. I'm trying to gauge whether I'm doing enough, too much, or if I have capacity to take on more. I find it hard to gauge because in the past, there were periods when I was fueled by hypomania - although at the time I didn't realise. I don't think I'm hypomanic at present but there's always the nagging fear in my mind that I actually am, which would mean the crash of depression would be around the corner. 

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I know what you mean, RTP. The minute I start getting on a roll, getting really productive, I worry it's hypomania. Which would mean depression is around the corner. The same thing goes with psychosis for me too. I have a weird thought, or I feel slightly suspicious and I worry I'm becoming psychotic. 

 

I think I have relaxed somewhat by understanding that episodes will probably happen. Sounds not very comforting, but I think I am comforted by the thought that I have no control over it and what will come, will come. Yeah, that's about the opposite of comforting. Sorry. I guess since I'm on medication, I can relax because I know my episodes have been mostly mild since being medicated. Mild episodes, I can deal with. They suck, but I can deal with them. You've got your trusty Zyprexa and regular therapy sessions. I am sure your tdoc would mention if they thought you were becoming hypomanic. 

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Aww, Sanity. :( No need to be embarrassed. We have all said some weird and crazy shit before. But, I understand. I just want you to know it's okay. 

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SS, don't be embarrased, we're all here to support you!

 

I'm good today, went to a new church (one that is friendly of our religious views), ran a couple errands, had lunch, and now just hanging out. I feel nice and steady. I just need some stuff to fall into place for school. It will, and I can be confident of that, it just needs to happen...before I go nuts. <_<

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You've got your trusty Zyprexa and regular therapy sessions. I am sure your tdoc would mention if they thought you were becoming hypomanic.

 

I think it harkens back to something I mentioned previously on this thread - the feeling of being under siege for so long that I can't help but maintain vigilance, even when there's no apparent trouble on the horizon. While a certain vigilance is healthy, I think I need to be reasonable about it. I've been told by everyone - tdoc, pdoc, friends, family - that it seems like I'm very well and stable. Yet there's always that nagging, "What if...?" in the background. 

 

You are right though, you cannot prevent what you can't predict. No-one knows if, or when I would have a relapse. 

Edited by Reverse The Polarity

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Don't worry Sanity. You are a sweetheart and MOST CERTAINLY NOT evil. I know it is easy to think and feel that way. But it just ain't so!

 

My voices were really bad last night. I was very wound up from prolonged social interactions with my in-laws. My voices were loud and fast. Saying die bitch, you aren't MI just faking for attention, stop your meds, fucking bitch, loser, fuck head, die, etc.

 

Things have quieted down now and I am not really hearing much now. But who knows if it will worsen as the day progresses. I also missed my afternoon seroquel yesterday so I'm sure that didn't help. I hate taking my meds in front of other people. I was with  my in-laws and felt embarrassed. My husband found out and told me not to worry. That they know I take meds. I'm working on being less embarrassed about it. If I had a headache and had to pop an aspirin, I don't think I would be embarrassed about that.

 

IDK. Like I said I am working on being more open about my MI. I will write a blog to elaborate more on it, but everyone kept asking me "So, what do you do?" UGH. "I'm a fucking crazy SZA and I'm on disability probably for life!" eh....instead I said, "I sell my craft items, mostly knitting and crocheting, on the Etsy website. I also make things for charity a lot, such as my mom's church bazaar." It's mostly true, as I have tried to sell items on Etsy and I also really do make a lot of things for charity. But still it made me feel like crap. UGH.

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I hate the "So what do you do?" question.  Depending on the person asking, I usually just say it as it is.

 

But I was just thinking about how I will explain what I do (don't do) to my niece and nephews when/if they ask (they haven't yet, which is a miracle because they are 11/8/6 and ask lots of questions as it is).

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I haven't heard voices in a while now nor have i gotten extremely paranoid around people.  I keep getting delusions when social situations arise and i can't understand them.  I keep thinking that people are being controlled at work and the things they do aren't themselves.  Strangely enough it's not making me paranoid.

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