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interview with Gearhead, en route to her lavish bolthole under her husband's desk in far northern Middle America

Robin Leach: Gearhead, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me today!

Gearhead: It's fine. Whatever. Can we just do this, please?

RL: Of course, of course. You're the newest moderator here at CrazyBoards-how does that feel?

G: Feel?

RL: Are you excited? Nervous? Did you bribe someone?

G: I didn't bribe anyone.

RL: Why do you think they asked you?

G: I'm here all the time anyway. I care about these people.

RL: No doubt this will enhance your already tremendous personal fortune!

G: Are you kidding? I can't really tell.

RL: So tell us more about yourself. What boards will you be moderating? Do you like ice cream? What's your favorite color?

G: For starters I'll be moderating the Autism Spectrum Disorders and Mood Disorders boards. I like ice cream. I thought only criminal perverts and the lactose intolerant didn't like ice cream. My favorite color is pink, but if you tell anyone that I will deny it vociferously.

RL: Fascinating! Have you ever been to Mexico? Canada? What's your opinion on immigration reform? Are you sex-positive?

G: What?

RL: Sex-positive?

G: I've been married for 15 years. I would definitely test positive for sex.

RL: What I meant was-

G: I know what you meant, you ass. My last paying job was working for a madcap Jewish non-profit on gay marriage and voter rights issues. I think that everyone should be able to have whatever kind of sex they want, with whomever they love. Or don't. Erm-

RL: (frowning) That doesn't sound very lucrative.

G: It wasn't. But it was incredibly fulfilling. (Warming up) Do you want to hear about my advocacy and activism on behalf of the mentally interesting and those lacking health care?

RL: No, not really. What kind of car do you drive?

G: A beat-to-shit Toyota.

RL: Oh. Last vacation?

G: A resort in Florida. Leaving today, actually.

RL: Oh, that sounds promising! Where-

G: I got into it with a jellyfish and and had an allergic reaction. You can still see the damage on my knee. Look! (pulls up pants leg)

RL: (recoils) Jesus Holy Christ!

G: What? It's hardly oozing at all now.

RL: Wow, look at the time...When you get back to your office, what do you think you'll do first?

G: Pop another Benedryl and check CrazyBoards. I hate Benedryl, but this jellyfish sting is a real ass-kicker. Then I'll probably make coffee and eat a bowl of Cheerios.

RL: Well, that's all the time we have today.

G: Good.

Edited by Gearhead
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