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iaawal

anyone have flashbacks about interactions?

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Yes. This happens to me most often when I'm trying to fall asleep. The stupid thing is, I know that the things that bother me the most are probably long forgotten for everyone else involved. Still, it's like a physical pain for me when these thoughts intrude. I still remember vividly how horrified I was when it happened (or maybe the fact that I've been stuck alone with these thoughts for years in some cases has made the feelings seem like more of a big deal than they really are). I sometimes find myself physically shaking my head or speaking aloud (usually something like "knock it off" or "it's over now"), just because it's too much to hold in. 

 

Most of the time when I'm nervous I either spit out random words or stare at people. 

 

Same here. When someone looks at me and says something, I either blurt out the first thing that comes to mind or freeze entirely and just end up nodding with a big goony smile on my face because I can't think of anything to say at all, while inside I am cringing and thinking that person will never talk to me again. Sometimes I am able to fake it and make conversation, but it's always stilted and awkward as hell, and most of the time I'm dissociated out to Saturn and can never remember what the hell I actually said. It sucks. 

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I know this one so well. On the rare days that I actually DO leave my apartment...

I stress over unanswered e-mails, texts and voicemails...what did I do? I can't sleep because I go over and over in my mind every little detail of what I said. I think back to high school, and I used to worry little bits about "does he/she like me...did I do/say something wrong?"...but it wasn't until my assault that I really started to notice that I was becoming more and more "over-analytical" about everything I said or did in public. Diagnosed with PTSD/Social Phobia...I guess they go "hand in hand" at times.

But I tend to stress at night "re-winding" every conversation, every interaction. I have no "middle ground" I either don't talk at all (and seem stuck up) or I talk a million miles an hour (and come off as the Bipolar crazy person I am)...

I try to avoid as many "social" gatherings as possible...I always "have other plans"...I do my grocery shopping only once a month...always on the 19th (I know, I know...I'm a whole glorious cocktail of crazy) always at 6:00 a.m. when very few people are there.

I live in a VERY small town (1,300 pop) so OF COURSE "Everyone's" talking about me... :)

The best part are the "conversations" in my head about my day that keep me from falling asleep at night:

I'm bilingual, so one side is in English...the other in Spanish.

This combined with the PTSD nightmares...well, it's one hell of a "party" at night in my apartment for one.

(I even worry if my therapist "likes" me, or if I've said something to make her "mad"...we spent all last session talking about whether or not I made her mad...of course I stressed about it for the whole week I waited for my appointment)

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I always think my doctors hate me. Also had to address that in therapy. :

Edited by iaawal

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I definitely struggle with this too.  After (what I perceive to be) an embarrassing interaction I'll walk away repeating things like "why did I say that" or "I'm so stupid"... and the worst is that I do it out loud, which elicits strange looks if there are other people around.  I also (sorry, this is graphic) hold my finger up to my head and pull an imaginary trigger.  I was in a shop the other day obsessing over something that had happened in the pharmacy I'd just been in, and only realised after about 10 mins that I was walking around mumbling to myself and pretending to shoot myself in the head.  Good times.

 

eta as far as past incidents go, I still cringe over things like my high school dance (prom).  I've also just recently started to try to listen to music that my ex husband used to play, and it's bringing back all kinds of cringe-worthy and painful memories that generate the "why am I so stupid" thoughts and verbalisation again. (Yeah, the answer is stop listening to the music, but I'm trying to break his power over me.)

Edited by MiaB

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 Randomly I get a scene in my head of a perceived failed interaction and it's horrifying and makes me flinch and wish I was dead.

Yes. I used to get it with everything all the time. It's not as bad and frequent now. Now it mostly just happens with the really bad things.

 

I do not think that age is the reason it got better.  I put in a lot of effort and went through a lot of stress for it to happen.

Edited by cara23

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I get these too, a lot. I even get physical symptoms such as dizziness and sweating.

 

How do all of you cope after that happens?

 

I use distraction a lot.

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I do it for simple things like someone saying "good morning" or something , I have bad hearing AND hear voices in my head so I usually just ignore everybody . It has caused problems like an entire community thinking that I think im better than everybody else, ive since decided that people are just more trouble than they are worth unfortunately usually im right.

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Not really flashbacks but I do reply conversations in my head over and over. Most of the time, it's about what I should've said or why the hell did I say what I said?

I figure if I do that, the next time I'm in the exact same situation, I'll say the perfect thing. Never actually turns out that way though.

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On 5/9/2017 at 10:26 AM, Expand said:

Not really flashbacks but I do reply conversations in my head over and over. Most of the time, it's about what I should've said or why the hell did I say what I said?

I figure if I do that, the next time I'm in the exact same situation, I'll say the perfect thing. Never actually turns out that way though.

This is almost the same thing that I deal with too.  The only extra part is that I role-play out the interaction with the other person in my mind, and then think what I should have said, or alternative ways to answer other than what I did actually say.

(bold) ... I don't expect to be in the exact situation again though ... just in a similar scenario or something else related or said.

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I have the same...  accompanied by speech and physical movements and expressions I was not doing/controlling.  It has been getting worse and worse and taking over my life.  People would comment on it to me.

I recognised some of the thoughts as being ridiculous/paranoid but reasoning did not stop them.

Then I started taking amisulpride and it went way back to a tolerable level.  I am now on latuda which is also working for it.  Zyprexa and risperidone did nothing for this problem.

I am angry for all the years I have lived like that needlessly.  I had psychotic symptoms but they were ignored up until recently as they weren't outwardly noticeable or anything obvious like voices.  I was told I had social anxiety and could counsel my way out of it and I wasn't trying hard enough.  I needed meds primarily and right ones.

 

 

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I also replay failed interactions over and over. Sometimes I walk around saying "I hate myself." Most of the time now I am better than I used to be thanks to therapy and meds. I also tell myself that often things that are huge to me are forgotten by others in seconds. But I still find these thoughts taking over my brain at random times or when I am trying to fall asleep. 

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I find myself replaying even positive reactions in my head ... Idk why, but I think it is so I can learn from them.

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