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benthompson

brain fog - thinking of suicide - I can't think anymore I'm so fucking tired of being stupid

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I've had chronic brain fog and chronic fatigue for 5 years now.  I have spent over $30,000 in medical bills, tests, lab work, CT scans, doctor visits, alternative therapy... you name it.  I'm also $20,000 in debt and am about to be homeless.  

 

This wouldn't be a problem if I could think, secure a job, work, be productive, and plan my future.  The reality is that my fog is so bad I often space out for days without any recollection of what's going on around me and it scares the shit out of me.

 

I'm not looking for attention or pity... just one last ditch effort for some help.  DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT BRAIN FOG IS???

 

I feel like my brain is operating on low power and it is not relieved by sleep or rest.  It's like I'm in a dream world 24/7.  I don't feel depressed at all, but I get depressed, suicidal, angry (with rage), and anxious over the fact that 5 years have gone by without results and I feel like I"m wasting my life and my cognitive abilities.

 

Papers, schoolwork, working, etc. were all exceptionally easy for me and now I can't read a single line on a page without forgetting what I'm reading.  I often stop talking midsentence because I'm not sure what I am talking about.  Who forgets what they are talking about mid-sentence!???

 

I'm currently on no psych drugs but have tried virtually all of them.  Stims help (short term) but then screw me in the end with side effects and feeling dirty and disgusting (with heart palps).

 

I feel so stupid and everyone tells me I'm normal - all tests come back normal.  NO ONE BELIEVES ME, NOT EVEN MY FAMILY.

 

I am at the end of my rope.  I was a straight A student and now I'm 26 and about to be living on the street because I'm living in this fog that NEVER goes away.

 

Thank you for listening, what is brain fog!!??

 

Ben

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What is your diagnosis(ses)? I'm guessing it's a result of that. 

 

I have cognitive deficits from psychosis. I understand you though, I used to be freaking brilliant now not so much. I'm using Lumosity to help me out since a few things on there are things that I'm guessing you do in cognitive enhancement therapy. 

 

Have you tried that? Maybe go to clinicaltrials.gov to see if there are clinical studies in your area using cognitive enhancement therapy or some other cognitive enhancement stuff, maybe cognitive remediation.

 

Also, have you thought about maybe trying for disability? Call your city counsel to see what resources there are for you. You shouldn't be homeless, maybe if you lose your place there are other types of homes you can go to. 

 

Oh and don't resort to suicide, it's fixable. You've yet to find your fix though, but don't give up. 

Edited by iaawal

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i forget what Im talking about all the time

Edited by Destro

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Thank you for your advice.  I might be in psychosis right now I never truly know anymore...

 

I've been diagnosed with:

Bipolar

ADHD

Clinical depression

Anxiety

PTSD

Schizophrenia

Borderline Personality Disorder

 

I don't know what to believe anymore because all doctors give me different diagnoses.  I can't trust anyone.

 

I'll try the clinicaltrials.gov website.  What really angers me is that even going to a website to do basic research feels like climbing a mountain.  Why does it require so much stress and mental effort for me to go to a website?  It's like my mental energy is nonexistent.  I was obsessively studying anything and everything I could get my hands on, 12 + hours a day, up until age 16, and now I'm 26 and can't read a single page in a book because I can't remember what I read.  There is no retention and I am unable to learn new things.

 

I can't understand if this memory deficit is causing my anger/mood problems or the other way around.  But one thing is for sure... when I can think straight all my mood problems disappear and I feel like my old self, but these moments of clarity are seldom.

Edited by benthompson
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I had mild brain fog last year, and medication helped to lift it. I was unable to study or read anything because I kept forgetting everything the minute. I don't have any solution for you, but I just want to say that you're not alone. Like iaawal said, try for disability. Don't give up.

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I had brain fog for a while from a chronic sinus infection. Not as bad as you have.

It took me 120 pages of notes to get an a in college biology...and I kind of mentally cratered after that, burnt out.

PTSD wrecked my attention span for a few years soon after, yay for repressed memories...

If you are able to and have not tried it, you might look into vinpocetine? Maybe. It is a novel anti-inflammatory.

Quercetin in megadose helped my thinking, I use NOW brand with bromelain.

Taking a zinc supplement seems to perk me up, is unlikely to kill you if you take normal recommended amounts.

My shrink told me a daily b-complex might help my cruddy energy level.

You don't have raging allergies, right? Allergies take it out of you.

Are you getting verbally abused?

...I am not as exhausted, and I respond to appropriate lowered blood levels in my caffeine stream. Therefore, I can work out. That doesn't sound doable in your case...it takes time to work, but working out improves energy and memory.

Getting to where the energy boost kicks in is the tough part! I'm fighting that struggle again.

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Hey @benthompson, I know this post is old but I hope you see this. I'm in the same boat as you except it's only been about 5 months of constant brain fog. Thankfully I still have friends around that believe me but my family and doctors keep brushing aside how truly awful it is. I was already in medical debt before this started from an unrelated injury and now I'm being sent from one specialist to the next with no answers and no one focusing on the brain fog issue. For example the most recent specialist they're trying is a friggen gastroenterologist because I've lost weight. Only reason that's happened is because sometimes the fog gets so bad I space out on simple things like eating. Again, they ignore that issue.

It's so terrible constantly living in this cloud. I feel like every day I lose myself more to it and I can't keep living my life like this. Even when I'm experiencing something positive it's never truly possible for me to enjoy it. It's swallowing me and I feel hopeless.

I'm rambling now but basically I'm reaching a really low emotional level and just want my brain back. I'm so frustrated and depressed over it that I keep getting in these negative "I should just end it all" mental loops. I give major props to you for making it 5 years....I don't think I could be that strong.

Have you had any answers since this post?

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On 22/02/2015 at 5:03 AM, benthompson said:

I've had chronic brain fog and chronic fatigue for 5 years now.  I have spent over $30,000 in medical bills, tests, lab work, CT scans, doctor visits, alternative therapy... you name it.  I'm also $20,000 in debt and am about to be homeless.  

 

This wouldn't be a problem if I could think, secure a job, work, be productive, and plan my future.  The reality is that my fog is so bad I often space out for days without any recollection of what's going on around me and it scares the shit out of me.

 

I'm not looking for attention or pity... just one last ditch effort for some help.  DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT BRAIN FOG IS???

 

I feel like my brain is operating on low power and it is not relieved by sleep or rest.  It's like I'm in a dream world 24/7.  I don't feel depressed at all, but I get depressed, suicidal, angry (with rage), and anxious over the fact that 5 years have gone by without results and I feel like I"m wasting my life and my cognitive abilities.

 

Papers, schoolwork, working, etc. were all exceptionally easy for me and now I can't read a single line on a page without forgetting what I'm reading.  I often stop talking midsentence because I'm not sure what I am talking about.  Who forgets what they are talking about mid-sentence!???

 

I'm currently on no psych drugs but have tried virtually all of them.  Stims help (short term) but then screw me in the end with side effects and feeling dirty and disgusting (with heart palps).

 

I feel so stupid and everyone tells me I'm normal - all tests come back normal.  NO ONE BELIEVES ME, NOT EVEN MY FAMILY.

 

I am at the end of my rope.  I was a straight A student and now I'm 26 and about to be living on the street because I'm living in this fog that NEVER goes away.

 

Thank you for listening, what is brain fog!!??

 

Ben

Hi.  I know how it feels like.. also I'm in the same situation.. I was also a straight A student.. with a good memory.. but it all started in 2016..and from then my brain fog never went away.. I haven't taken any med for that.. I'm hiding it from everyone.. because people would only say I'm normal.. I'm so sick of this..  my brain fog is so worse that I even forgot to check my results even after I was reminded 50 times by messages calls and on college notice board.. and everyone was shocked how I could even forget.. I felt terribly ashamed of myself.. and can't come up with any better idea than killing myself for good.  :(

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Hi.  I know how it feels like.. also I'm in the same situation.. I was also a straight A student.. with a good memory.. but it all started in 2016..and from then my brain fog never went away.. I haven't taken any med for that.. I'm hiding it from everyone.. because people would only say I'm normal.. I'm so sick of this..  my brain fog is so worse that I even forgot to check my results even after I was reminded like 50 times by messages calls and on college notice board.. and everyone was shocked how I could even forget.. I felt terribly ashamed of myself.. and can't come up with any better idea than killing myself for good. :(  

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I am in the process of being diagnosed as bipolar and I was looking for a forum to get more information. I am so happy I found this one. And thank you for your post. I feel the same exact way. I used to be in the gifted program (not bragging, just to give you an idea of things) at school, and now going through a college course is difficult for me. I can’t focus for shit, can’t remember what I’m learning for more than a week or so, and then I get depressed because I know I’m capable of doing it and learning! It’s a terrible cycle, and knowing there are others out there that feel the same way, I feel a little less crazy if that makes sense? Like, this is “normal” for us. And, for the first time in my life, I feel I fit in somewhere. And there are people who understand. And I can be open, and honest, and not feel like a complete weirdo when I try to talk about how I’m feeling. Anyway, thank you so much for your post. I am so sorry you’re going through this, and I’m not sure of the cause either... if I come across something I will make sure to get back to you. 

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14 hours ago, SeeingClearly said:

I am in the process of being diagnosed as bipolar and I was looking for a forum to get more information. I am so happy I found this one. And thank you for your post. I feel the same exact way. I used to be in the gifted program (not bragging, just to give you an idea of things) at school, and now going through a college course is difficult for me. I can’t focus for shit, can’t remember what I’m learning for more than a week or so, and then I get depressed because I know I’m capable of doing it and learning! It’s a terrible cycle, and knowing there are others out there that feel the same way, I feel a little less crazy if that makes sense? Like, this is “normal” for us. And, for the first time in my life, I feel I fit in somewhere. And there are people who understand. And I can be open, and honest, and not feel like a complete weirdo when I try to talk about how I’m feeling. Anyway, thank you so much for your post. I am so sorry you’re going through this, and I’m not sure of the cause either... if I come across something I will make sure to get back to you. 

That was one of the main drivers that brought me back to getting professional help after about 14 years of denial.

Getting properly medicated was what it took. Still not 100% but a world of difference and improvement since I’ve found what works for me.

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Hello to all. It's been a long time since my initial post and I thought it would be nice to update everyone. I am much more hopeful now and definitely not suicidal. Reading through my last post from over 2 years ago was an eye-opener to how far I've come. I do still understand why I was that low; I do still definitely have the brain fog. I haven't made any progress as far as direct "this is what's wrong with you" kinds of answers, but I did find the DPManual. I know it maybe sounds like a weird name, but maybe some of you have already found depersonalization/derealization info in your searches for answers. It helped and hurt a lot to read that my problem could very well be my problem, if that makes sense. I've struggled heavily with anxiety most of my life - I even remember being a little kid going to my dad from time to time because I was having the "bad feelings" before I even knew what anxiety was - but have never been officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Hitting a point of unmanaged anxiety can lead to this feeling of depersonalization, or brain fog, and it's specifics may feel different to different people but there's a very high chance a lot of you are in the same boat. The thing that really sucks is the fog itself causes anxious and panicked thoughts, which makes the fog worse, which makes the thoughts worse, and so on. It only makes sense that so many of us reached a totally hopeless and helpless point of considering suicide with that kind of vicious cycle. The good news is that, with a lot of patience and belief, managing your anxiety and other depressive emotions in healthy ways that work for you *will* lessen and eventually wipe out that awful foggy feeling. I may still have the fog to a constant but not as heavy extent, but the fact that I don't feel depressed or hopeless anymore has been huge. I recommend looking up the manual. The full version costs money but I've just been using what's available for free. That whole portion of this is up to you obviously. Good luck to all💛There is hope.

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Omg dude I totally get you. Brain fog, dreamy, floaty world. It's scary. I forget things as they are being said to me. My son calls me Dory. Last time brain fog had my begging the psych ward to let me out. And the stupid thing.. I always say that.. I want proof I'm not. I've asked for tests. 

I was diagnosed with BPD early but really have never looked into it. I thought I was just troubled and trouble. Toxic.. Anyways.. Looking through post is educational and emotional. Yours touched me. If you get lost look for peanut. She's around. Somewhere because she forgot. 

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