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Sofia

Venting and cutting..

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Well today was a shit day to put it lightly. Now I hope I don't sound like a whinny overly emotional girl. I just want to vent. I really don't care who reads this or if no one reads this at all. I just need a way to get my emotions out in words.

My mom has one of those steel safes with a combination. She keeps my medication for depression and anxiety, along with some razors in there.  For the past couple of days I've been trying to crack the lock and figure out the combination with no luck.  This kind of behavior drives my mom nuts. She'll go of into a rage and call me a fat narcissistic conveying bitch. She always surprises me with new insults to call me that she's made up on the fly. 

I just can't take it anymore. She's been Especially emotional  after her boyfriend of 5 months dumped her. Well today all that pint up anger burst out of her and she slapped me hard across the face after a long argument. This was really nothing new but she usually never hit so hard. I just stood there with my hand on my face shocked. She then told me that I was a mistake and that she should of taken my fathers advice and got me aborded 

that was the last straw. The  Desire to stop living was so great that I ran to my shower and took a [sharp] that I had been hiding for a while [description of activities]. When I was all done my thighs didn't even look like thighs anymore.they just looked like a mangled mess. It doesn't even hurt. I've desensitized myself to pain. I just feel stinging. 

Edited by WinterRosie
Took out some descriptions

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Hi. Welcome to CB. I'm glad that you've found us although I'm sorry for your reason for being here.

This particular forum has some guidelines, though. So I'm editing your post to keep within them; because we're a pro-recovery board we don't need graphic descriptions of your activities. If you want to edit your post yourself then please feel free.

It's super-shitty that your mum is beating you. You deserve to be kept safe and abuse is the opposite of that. I'm glad that you're here. I wonder if she ever is too, when her emotions aren't clouding her judgement.

What are you doing to look after your thighs? I imagine that they're a horrible place for infections.

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Hi,

I’ll get straight to it, your mums shit. 

With advice on your situation you need to talk to someone. If you have other family live with them. If not they’ll be someone else.

Telling someone about your mum is the best option. I know cutting is tempting as someone who has also done it.

But think about someone you love real or fictional. Make there love greater than the pull to the cutter. 

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lets start with the age of 11. First suicide attempt, failed. Second attempt a year later, tried to drown myself. I figured these attempts would work, because i did die from a head injury when i was 8 and my heart restarted. Cutting myself was not my first option but i got there, eventually. at the age of 14, i started freshman year of highschool, and took two classes that really interested me. Auto shop and machining/welding. I have had a large strive to learn how to fix/create because im running from the fact i cant fix myself. at this point, my depression is bad, so ive shut out everyone to keep them from dealing with me. 3 year later, while taking those classes over and over, there was never an incedent that could get me killed, but i did learn pain, and i learned it well. busting up my hands working on cars, molten steel on my skin, i have countless scars. Then something happened. I fell in love. For the first time in years, i looked forward to the next day. But she strung me along, and my life got drastically worse. I was abused from a young age, physically, emotionally, and verbally. I felt like no one cared, and i couldnt deal with the heartbreak, so i became an alcoholic. ive temporarily put off drinking, but i dont know for how long. for three straight weeks, i woke up and did the same thing. Ate, felt dead inside, and would check by finding ways to draw blood.cutting myself, "falling" onto a nail in a board, working on a car to let the wrench slip. I had to check and see if i was still alive, everyday. Ive cut that down by a little, no pun intended, but i still cant deal with the feeling of being dead, and knowing that life goes on. Im (theoretically) in a better place, but i dont feel it. Can anyone help me understand this?

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