Just an update based on my posts earlier during this year. I ultimately wound up remaining on the oral antipsychotic (Latuda 20mg) which I started taking after completing my 2nd probation term in this decade in January 2018 stemming from a January 2015 motor vehicle offense which ultimately slammed me with a 3rd degree felony (after already acquiring a misdemeanor for resisting arrest on foot in June 2012) related to having schizoaffective disorder and experiencing manic episodes and hallucinations. I was previously diagnosed with Bipolar 1 With Psychotic Features after the 1st incident I was involved in back in June 2012.
My main issue the entire time I was serving both probation terms was that I was always court ordered by a judge to continue taking the antipsychotics by injection and to continue my psychological treatment. My primary concerns with the antipsychotic medication was always having intolerable akathisia (inability to sit still), tremendous amounts of weight gain (My height is 5'8 with a small to medium frame and my weight maxed out in January 2018 at almost 310lb after being around 155lb until after June 2012, severe gynecomastia (recently won Risperdal / Invega class-action lawsuit), anxiety, depression, and disorganized speech (currently seeing a speech pathologist to suppress language disorder).
Following the completion of my 2nd probation term, I was initially placed on Latuda 40mg taken with food at night and then tested out Fanapt 6mg. I was still experiencing most of the side-effects and was still outright desperate to eliminate all of the symptoms I just mentioned. By the beginning of March 2018, I did ultimately try consulting with my psychiatrist about switching to a mood-stabilizer as monotherapy acting in place of an antipsychotic and accepted the risk that if I actually suffer from schizoaffective disorder and it wasn't Bipolar 1 With Psychotic Features that I would probably relapse and hallucinate again and I was even in agreement to keep a bottle of antipsychotics as a PRN and to just eat them like crazy if anything happened.
I discussed everything with him (I never considered him to be a control freak) and he said that he would eventually be willing to try my suggestion but asked me if I had any other idea in mind that involved remaining on an antipsychotic for slightly longer. I suggested to him that I'd be willing to try taking the Latuda at 20mg instead of 40mg before switching to a completely different class of drugs.
In retrospect, I'm not even completely certain if any of the oral antipsychotics including the higher dosage of Latuda or Fanapt were even that badly tolerated.. Now, I'm not condemning an entire class of drugs because I now support some of the low-dose oral antipsychotics for myself but I ultimately think that my former overall disgust and intolerance for the antipsychotics was because I was only ever taking them when I was either locked up in county jail and the overall quality of the drugs was really bad and primarily because the only time I was ever actually taking them was when I was taking court-ordered injections. That basically explains why my experience with the mental health system always sucked up to that point.
I'm not trying to speak to highly of myself here but my psychiatrist has always said that he considers me to be one of his higher functioning patients, therefore the reason why he thinks I was always so vocal about all the underlying side effects from the injections and was more sensitive to them than the majority of his patients, even at 260, 280 or 310 pounds, my weight was never really a factor for me in terms of reacting to the meds with less sensitivity.
It simply didn't matter what injection he would put me on. I was on so many of them including Invega, Aristada, and Invega and they always caused more damage than they did anything positive for me. I always felt like the compromises I had to make to not hallucinate and remain out of legal trouble were simply too much to take. The slow-release form of the injections was always too intense for me but I was honestly being completely forthright when I admitted that I didn't want another episode involving the boys in blue to occur ever again.
At the time of my last post, my dosage was already reduced to 20mg and I was still complaining on a regular basis about everything I was still feeling but it wasn't until the end of March when the restless / walking on hot sand feeling finally began to subside. My overall appetite decreased enough to where I lost over 50 pounds by the beginning of the summer (since then the weight loss has stopped at around 260lb unfortunately but I have remained generally stable in terms of my weight). I won a class-action lawsuit against Risperdal / Invega in February and my weight became low enough where my plastic surgeon agreed to perform male-breast reduction surgery on me after denying me previously because I became so overweight / obese after I was released from county jail and the results were very successful without needing revision surgery thus far.
My speech disorder did improve a little but unfortunately wasn't completely going away by the end of the summer. I still felt like I had something like aphasia where I couldn't think of common words or name common objects and the words wouldn't return to my mind until 10 or 20 minutes after the conversation took place. The speech pathologist I eventually saw for this referred me to the audiology department at my local hospital for Central Auditory Processing Testing and it was revealed that I do in fact have a language decoding disorder (my intuition was right all along) which is certainly aggravated by having schizoaffective disorder and maybe even still by the medication.
I only become somewhat anxiety-ridden and become depressed right after I take the medication with some food, therefore I normally take it right before I go to sleep. By the time I wake up, I am no longer experiencing the anxiety and paranoia but I never become psychotic.
Still, the most important thing is that I'm no longer experiencing any of that indescribable akathisia and thank god the weight gain reversed before I hit 350 and I no longer have to walk around with female-like breasts anymore.
This is easily the most balanced I've felt since I developed the mental illness in the beginning of this decade. I'm not a morbidly obese zombie with female-like breasts pacing all day and night with akathisia but I'm also not hallucinating and running away from the local police department during a welfare check or speeding from the state troopers on major highways either. The delusions are still there at certain times except mild enough where I just laugh them off most of the time and don't believe the majority my own deception.
I used this site over a decade ago during my first bad episode of OCD and found it really helpful at the time. My OCD was pretty under control for five years and then I had a baby this past June. Postpartum OCD was on my radar due to my history and also because I had four major life stresses/traumas in the two years leading up to the birth of my baby. The first two months with my baby were pretty good - some mild intrusive thoughts but I was able to cope with them. I was so happy, thinking I'd escaped PPD or PPOCD!
Then a majorly overwhelming occurrence happened. And suddenly I was catastrophizing about it and things spiraled from there. Over the past few weeks, I started having intrusive thoughts and images about doing bad things. Like many OCD'rs my first course of action was to use logic and I thought 'I've never done anything like that so why would I now?' Of course, that didn't work. I started questioning whether I had done something like that in the past but just didn't remember. Things then got worse. I had an image of me doing something and thought 'was that a memory?' Then I started wondering 'did I question if that was a memory or did I just know it was a memory?' I tried doing some exposure and saying "Okay I did that" and "I know I did that" to myself (not cuz I thought I did it but because I knew I shouldn't fight it). It kinda helped. Then yesterday I had a disturbing image (I'm not even entirely sure what the image was, I just know it upset me) and I immediately thought 'I do remember that' and then started getting really anxious and wondering 'why did I think that? Is that really a memory or is it OCD?' Now I'm wondering if that was a memory and I'm in denial and using OCD as an excuse. At my core, I think this is my OCD but I'm not sure. I'm so scared. Why would I even think 'I do remember that,' if it wasn't actually a memory? But I also know it seems like an OCD thought, especially since I started obsessing a few days ago about whether I had thought "I know I did that" so it makes sense my OCD would then change from "what if" to "that happened." But maybe I'm wrong. My OCD has been really bad in the past. I once was scared of becoming psychotic and told myself I wasn't hallucinating so I couldn't be psychotic. Then I started feeling what felt like raindrops on me when I was inside and was concerned that meant I was experiencing psychosis. (I wasn't!). This was eleven years ago and I only give it as an example of how bad things can get. I'm scared to even write this. I'm so scared someone will think I actually did something bad. Then I'm scared I did do something bad because why else would I have thought 'I remember that.' But I also really don't think it was actually a memory. I don't really believe I did this thing I'm scared of having done. I don't think I have the stomach to actually do it and I don't know why I would do it. I have so many conflicting thoughts, it just doesn't make sense. Does this seem in the realm of OCD? Does anyone else's OCD take on this form? I'm so terrified and I feel so alone right now. I want to be a good mom to my baby but I'm so anxious. I just want to be the happy mom I was for two months and enjoy my baby again. Right now, I just feel "crazy."
By Bimbo Bear
So, I don't know if I've talked about this on the boards before, but I have something known as OSDD-1b. That's a diagnosis that is similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder, except that I don't have amnesia when I switch between different alters, or parts as I call them. Anyways, this is not about my OSDD-1b diagnosis, but rather about a part that I have who happens to have the worst case of OCD that I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
The part that I'm going to be talking about is a part that feels a very strong connection to Christianity. Basically, with her, I discovered something that's very depressing. I am a woman of color. That's something that I've learned to become proud of over the years, but when I was a kid, I remember thinking that I was ugly because I wasn't lighter skinned and didn't look "white". It took a lot of years to undo that kind of thinking, but now that I got to know my Christian part a little bit more, it looks like she took the message that I was ugly and ran with it. According to her, I am ugly because I am not white and don't have blonde hair or even maybe orange hair, and that is absolutely heartbreaking. And what's worse is I'm actually looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if maybe she's right? Again, it took so long for me to overcome this kind of thinking, but maybe she's an indicator that I never fully got over thinking that way? If I listen to her for too long, I realize that I start to internalize those toxic messages again. So that's not good.
Another thing that I've realized is that the Christian part that I have is incredibly obsessed with being "good enough" to get into Heaven. And, according to her, she will never be good enough to get into Heaven, no matter how hard she tries. So the fact that she keeps trying to convert everyone of my personality parts is kind of pointless since it won't bring her any peace. Logically, she kind of gets that, but she keeps trying anyways. And the thing is, when we indulge her or even entertain the idea that we might become Christian, she then gets incredibly scrupulous when it comes to her worship. That is to say, she has to follow everything to the T with no exceptions. Otherwise, that means she's a bad person, soiled, dirty, or defective in some way. And people who are spiritually defective don't belong in Heaven, at least according to her disordered way of thinking.
I think she is plagued by these thoughts to a point where it's unhealthy and she needs help. But how would I even begin to help her? Talking sense into her does nothing except make her defensive, if she listens at all and doesn't simply tune out my voice. I feel bad for her, but I also feel pretty bad for myself too. You don't know how much her thinking messes with me. It's incredibly toxic and destructive. And I just hope this doesn't set me back miles in my recovery process.
And before I end this post, I want to say that I don't think Christianity is a bad religion or only for white people or anything like that. In fact, I think Christianity is a beautiful religion and one that I might have considered joining if it worked for me and if it weren't for the massive level of OCD that this part of me happens to have surrounding this particular religion.
During my recent internet meanderings, reading about neurotransmitters & such, I came across the interesting symptom called "Memory Torture." Is anyone here familiar with this?
No, it's not like PTSD due to actual torture or abuse... It is quite similar to OCD (the obsessional part). The theory is that inadequate Serotonin leads the person to constantly dwell on every little (or big) moment in life in which emotional pain was experienced. I do this very often, for hours at a time. Memories of something bad that happened to me, and exact words that were exchanged, from the time I was in grade school up to the present, run through my mind. I relive the humiliation, frustration, embarrassment, fear, pain, anger, guilt, and feelings of helplessness. My brain intensifies the feelings and relives them in great detail.
Note, this is not the same as "PTSD" as the difference is, many of these "bad moments" can often be accumulative layered memories of very neutral / benign things that wouldn't cause most people to even remember at all (example: small critical remark a friend made decades ago, reliving disappointment over past employment because you hear something on the news that talks about a city where your former supervisor worked.) Does anyone relate?
By Alexander search
Ive had to come off SSRI's/SNRIs due to very bad paraesthesia. I toughed it out for years but cant hack it anymore. Im on pregabalin 450mg, diazepem 10mg and recently started Reboxetine which whilst helping me feel like getting out of bed isnt touching the intrusive thoughts or the irritability and anger. The pregab and Diazepam combined with CBT and some Stoicism keep the anger and irritability at just about bearable. Anyone got any ideas for off label stuff i could suggest to the Psych? Is it possible that 25 years of SSRIs have made it so that any drug that touches serotonin is going to give me paraesthesia?