Bipolar sucks so much.
i got a high paying job and it’s not glamorous at all. I’m a woman, and it’s traveling in construction management. I actually used to work for the same company several years ago and did very well, but I wasn’t cycling and was unmedicated with no need for medication. My how times have changed.
im very sick now. I’ve been off work for 6 months and tried to get back to work and thought this would be a good job. I must be crazy. I can’t handle the stress at all. It’s destabilizing me rapidly. Another thing that’s a ticking time bomb that just tells me I need to quit ASAP. My psychiatrist back home. The last time I saw him was October 18th. I told him I was going to get back to work and travel and he thought it was a good idea and he assured me he could call in my scripts to any state and as long as I saw him once a year that would be fine. Well, I called about a month later to get call in scripts and he was taking time off and having another pdoc call in his scripts. Gulp. So I have been doing that since October and I think my state medical board only allows another dr to do that for two months. I have enough meds hoarded for another month and a half. I called my psychiatrist and he was supposed to be back mid December and now they are saying mid February so now I am stranded with no psychiatrist and 5 meds including geodon and klonopin I’m dependent on.
so I’m in trouble. Plus I’ve been cycling since I started working even on meds. I’m realizing I can’t work like I used to and I just need to face reality and move in with my parents and file disability. It’s hard to face. Hard. My sister is friends with a psychiatrist and she called him last night. I have two options on the table now. 1. Quit my job at the end of the week and tell my boss the truth and deal with him being mad and just get over it and make the 12 hour drive home and check myself into the hospital and see the new psychiatrist and get my meds changed and tweaked. 2. Wait on a call from the psychiatrist to my sister tonight telling her if he has any outpatient appointments over Christmas and if he does see him then and try to get him to call in scripts across state lines and keep working anyway even though it’s breaking me down. I couldn’t change meds because I wouldn’t have any time off to do so.
I think I know what I have to do but I’m terrified to talk to my boss. The company is based out of my hometown and I’m not sure what to say. I was considering talking about my doctor disappearing on me and not being able to get my scripts and needing them immediately or I will have seizures. Or just outright saying I have bipolar and I can’t do this and I apologize. I can’t work anymore and this is disabling and I didn’t want to think it was. Or just say I quit and I’m leaving my computer and company phone and it’s effective immediately. Help. What do I do and say? I wish I hadn’t gotten into this mess. The problem is he will have to replace me immediately or the job will shut down. I have to look at that as not my problem. My problem is my lifelong bipolar diagnosis and the fact that I could go psychotic if I don’t get help. That’s my problem. Not this project.
Any helpful advice is welcomed. I wished this had gone differently but I guess bipolar just blew up my life. It’s about to ruin my finances and burden my parents to care for me until I get ssdi. Plus I own a house that my parents will have to pay for until we rent or sell it. I feel like I’m made of glass. I used to handle stress without a worry. Now it destroys my life. I feel like I’m crying inside right now.
Hello, it has been awhile!
Well, my old psychiatrist retired and I am now stuck with a new one. A tele-med provider. Without really letting me know if they read my chart (they even made mistakes when asking what meds I was on now) they prescribed me topamax to take alongside my usual anxiety med due to (duh) increase in anxiety. They said the added benefit would be that I would be able to lose weight as well, since my previous meds made me...ahem, chunky. And I told them I have body issues.
Here's the thing. I did a little research about the weight loss and all studies said that it was beneficial to those who were bulimic or over eaters. I have history, and deal with restrictive eating. Making my appetite less would be a very stupid move in my opinion. My other concern is that there is a side effect where your eyes can suffer permanent damage. Not likely of course, but it is noted. I have a degenerative eye problem and I feel that it would be risky to take something that could make my eyesight worse. Of course there is the caveat that if I notice anything like that I can stop the med, but would my eyes regain the vision they "lost"?
I talked to a pharmacist today and they told me it would be very unlikely that I would have any visions problems other than blurriness and that most symptoms are dizziness, hard time focusing, etc the usual. They kind of glossed over the eating part too, saying to just talk to my provider. I have an appointment in a month, and with the Holidays coming up, I decided not to start taking the topamax so as not to ruin any festivities I hope to have with my family.
I guess I just needed to vent a bit because it doesn't seem like my new provider is listening to what I have to tell them...since they keep asking me things that are in my chart already! I miss my old psychiatrist a lot, and don't like this new tele-med set up. In any case, I would love to hear from others who have taken topamax for anxiety and how it worked for them. I know everyone is different, but I'd like to get some feedback nonetheless.
Welbutrin (Bupropion) is a dopamine-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor; its occupancy at dopamine transporter (DAT) is 23%; whereas over 75% causes euphoria (ex. cocaine). A dopamine reuptake inhibitor (DRI) is a class of drug which acts as a reuptake inhibitor of the monoamine neurotransmitter dopamine by blocking the action of the dopamine transporter (DAT). Reuptake inhibition is achieved when extracellular dopamine not absorbed by the postsynaptic neuron is blocked from re-entering the presynaptic neuron. This results in increased extracellular concentrations of dopamine and increase in dopaminergic neurotransmission.
I am currently taking Abilify 400 mg every 3 weeks (~ 20 mg / day) and 300 mg of Welbutrin.
I was complaining to my psychiatrist about the side effects of Abilify I was suffering from; depression (low mood), sexual dysfunction, anhedonia, from a condition called "Neuroleptic Induced Deficit Syndrome" . I complained that I had totally lost my motivation, drive, and initiative and was experiencing anhedonia (lack of pleasure), emotional suppression, etc. It is like living in a mental restraint "straigthjacket". So my psychiatrist added Welbutrin. Abilify dampens down dopaminergic activity in three of the four dopaminergic pathways; It is the only Antipsychotic that I know of that can increase mesocortical dopaminergic activity. Other partial agonists like Brexiprazole and Cariprazine might do this also, whereas a silent antagonist cannot. Welbutrin has treated my low mood; I am euthymic now, but I am still anhedonic from Abilify being so frequent for such a dose; I am taking the daily equivalent of 20 mg: 400 mg per 3 weeks. At lower doses Abilify has a more stimulating effect. The Welbutrin he added certainly helps; but is unfortunately not enough.
I am considering adding a dopamine full agonist such as Ropinirole, Rotigotine, Cabergoline and Pramipexole to my prescription meds. Some dopamine agonists are useful at treating depression resistant to SSRI-treatment. Dopamine agonists can be given to counteract the side effects of antipsychotics and serotonergic antidepressants. No doubt that dopamine antagonism has a negative effect on mood. In the mesolimbic pathway *(reward pathway)* Aripriprazole reduces dopaminergic activity; which reduces motivation - salience (liking, rewarding), which can be identified as a major source of anhedonia. Aripriprazole does not reduce dopamine transmission in the mesocortical pathway in people whose mesocortical pathway has .less than normal activity. The dopamine boost that Welbutrin provides keeps me stable; counterbalances some of the negative effects of Abilify. I just need more help in alleviating this zombified state of existence in which I am alienated from my own real self. and cannot enjoy the things I used to enjoy; food, drugs, sex. I live in anhedonia, a state of a loss of pleasure; due to the neurological inhibition caused by Abilify. Welbutrin works as a wakefullness promoting agent, a mild stimulant.
Hi everyone, it's been a while.
So, I took the full 6 months of my short term disability, and I just started a new job. It's a little stressful, but it pays well. It is a contract job, and it required me to move to the location of the contract. I'm salaried though, and my company is putting me up in an extended stay hotel, and they are flying my home once a month and getting me a rental car when I am home...so I can come home and see my sisters and parents. That is a blessing. I can see my best friend too.
I am struggling with the never ending anxiety that I can never beat. I take a lot of meds for my bipolar. I think mine is really non specified because I'm so hard to treat. I take geodon, gabapentin, topamax, klonopin and lunesta plus vitamins. If I could wean off klonopin I could probably wean off everything but geodon. I'm just not ready to wean off klonopin, and I take .5 mg even though I'm prescribed 1 mg.
I am doing therapy online with betterhelp since I am on the road, and it is going pretty good. I just selected and therapist, and am sticking with her. I don't like her as much as my IOP therapist, but it is online, so I acknowledge the quality of therapy won't be as good but it is consistent.
I did go no contact with my ex boyfriend because that relationship was slowly killing me. He'd been abusive in the past, and was a narcissist. I loved him so much that it contributed to my breakdown in a serious way, and taking this job moved me out of state and away from him and helped me go no contact, so I am working through that with my therapist. It's hard. I've had ptsd over the past couple months since my short term disability was about to run out and I wasn't sure what I was going to do about money, and I knew I had to do something about him. I was waking up with nightmares and night terrors thinking someone was trying to kill me or I was going to die or the world was going to end. I don't know how to describe it. It was terrifying. I felt completely untethered from this world and it felt like I was threatened and like I was going to not live or survive or maybe subconsciously didn't want to. That was the scariest thing. I slowly started to feel disconnected from everything. Like I am just meaningless and one of billions of people and what does it matter? Those weren't my thoughts but my feelings. I was fighting that daily. I have been fighting that.
ive also been fighting some mortality issues with my age. Since I just broke up, I just turned 39, and I am traveling and single again. I am scared I won't meet anyone again or fall in love again. I worry about my parents aging. All of a sudden this stuff is in my head. I think because I have leaned on them so much this year since it has been so hard.
'I guess the good news is, I stopped having nightmares a few nights ago. No more night terrors and waking up thinking I'm going to die. I enjoyed music at work today. I went to a recovery group at church last night and that was helpful to talk and heal about what I went through with my ex. I'm trying to do the best I can at work. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, life will go on, and hopefully, so will I. I am trying to live more in the moment and practice mindfulness to help with my anxiety. Trying to take things one day at a time and if I can't do that, take things one moment at a time.
I know bipolar is for life, but I think recovery is possible, and it is possible to function with this illness, but maybe we just have to modify our lifestyles. Right now I just come to the hotel, take it very easy and am very gentle with myself and rest at night. I try to exercise when I feel like it. I need to be a little better with my diet. But it's not that bad. I'm not pushing myself working late or volunteering to work longer hours even though I know I can. I know what that leads to...cycling. My goal is boring stability. I take turmeric and magnesium to keep brain fog at bay but I wish I knew what I could do about these feelings of despair and loneliness. Maybe that's not mental illness. Maybe that's just heartbreak, and will take time to heal on its own.
Love to you guys and to everyone living with mental illness.
Respectful greetings, fellow crazies.
I've recently ramped-up on Wellbutrin: 150mg for 6 days and then 300mg for 12 days (18 days total). Overall it's slightly helping the multitude of mental illnesses I have (TRD, "Pure" OCD, other stuff).
However. About 7 days after hitting 300mg Wellbutrin I started experiencing incredibly intense anxiety primarily (physically shaking, gut-churning, mind-racing, skin-crawling kind). I also started feeling erratic, intense irritability and even anger - (verbally) lashing out at my kids and other unpleasant out-of-character behaviour.
I've seen anxiety from Wellbutrin reported 100's of times before but I couldn't find information on how to combat it. This is because normally people just stop taking it (which makes eminent sense) but that's not an option for me since I'm 23 years TRD (including resistance to ECT, dTMS and Ketamine) and this is one of the last combos left. In other words I'm beyond desperate to give it every chance of working that I humanly can.
I'm now gonna blurt out my questions and suggestions and hope that some of you can identify or comment from your own experience:
I have some Valium left over and taking that does take the edge off of the severe emotions. However taking benzo's long-term is generally undesirable, hence has anyone taken a non-benzo adjunct/augmenting med that actually helps tone down the insane anxiety? If so, what was it? how long did the intense anxiety last for those who experienced it? 2 weeks? a month? until you stopped the med? did anyone have success in simply reducing dose back to 150mg or even lower? Did you find 150mg sufficient to lift your mood? I'm on 300mg XL as of today (was on 2x150mg XL 'til now). Have folks had different experiences (anxiety-wise) with the IR or SR versions? E.g. would switching to 3xIR be an avenue worth chasing? any other relevant insights or experiences would also be most welcome. May the Gods of mental health be with you,