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My therapist asked me this question.

I was honestly scared to answer this question..

My experience was not pleasant..

I was doing my usual nightly routine..

Of staying up late well past  3am painting..had this strange feeling that I was going to get in trouble if I didn't go to bed soon..

My ex was sleeping..he was abusive towards me..But me painting was the one thing he supported me doing..

I'd stay up late because I'd have inspiration and alone time..

 

I cleaned up everything..put everything away and made my way to bed..

I was not tired or anything..just feeling strange..I guess that's the best word I can use to describe..

My life back then was an awful mess anyways..

I was often paranoid and what would be deemed now as having psychotic symptoms..

 

But anyways..

I sat in bed and this older sounding women's voice just popped out of nowhere saying that I'm thinking in circles..

She started narrating what I was doing..

It scared the living hell out of me..

 

I woke up my first abusive ex of 10 years and he yelled at me that he had to go to work that day and wake up in a few hours..

No support..just a negative response..

So I laid there not only scared of him and getting out of bed..

But listening to this voice..

Eventually I got out of bed and drank a few glasses of wine to try to drown this out..

I was taking alprazolam at the time..so I got sleepy..

I turned on the radio in the bedroom..

Wore myself out..and fell asleep..

 

My ex just brushed this off for the time we were together..

I started just keeping it from him best I could..I started feeling like it was something to be ashamed of..

I self medicated the living hell out of myself..drugs..alcohol..

Wouldn't tell a single pdoc the truth even though I'd see them and be a total wreck..

I'd stop seeing pdocs and be on my own for quite some time because ex thought I didn't need them..

I'd act out..be out of my mind..end up hospitalized..But lie..get stamped with mood disorders..anxiety and depression..

Get arrested..I have a stupid criminal background now because of never telling the truth..

End up on meds that made things worse..especially since I was self medicating..

 

My story is pretty pathetic and I wish I'd come out sooner and said something..

But I felt trapped in my head and life..

Half the time not knowing which end was up..

I'd escape in both painting and self medicating..

Try to ignore what was truly going on out of shame..

I was isolated in this..

 

I'd like to know what others experiences were when they first heard voices..

 

 

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@coraline

I don’t recall the first time I heard them, it was so very long ago.

But I do remember the first time I admitted to hearing the voices. I was in the hospital and this was maybe 12 years ago (?) and they point blank asked me if I was hearing voices. I couldn’t lie about it any longer. I was sobbing and a mess. I admitted to it because the voices were killing my brain and I was so scared and spacing out just listening all day. I barely spoke one word during that time. I was too busy listening. 

When I admitted to hearing the voices they said they were not surprised. They knew I was hearing things. I am not sure how they knew this to this day. I don’t understand it. But they put me on seroquel and increased it to a high dose. But I didn’t get better soon enough so I was sent court ordered away to a state hospital. 

Edited by Wonderful.Cheese

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23 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

@coraline

I don’t recall the first time I heard them, it was so very long ago.

But I do remember the first time I admitted to hearing the voices. I was in the hospital and this was maybe 12 years ago (?) and they point blank asked me if I was hearing voices. I couldn’t lie about it any longer. I was sobbing and a mess. I admitted to it because the voices were killing my brain and I was so scared and spacing out just listening all day. I barely spoke one word during that time. I was too busy listening. 

When I admitted to hearing the voices they said they were not surprised. They knew I was hearing things. I am not sure how they knew this to this day. I don’t understand it. But they put me on seroquel and increased it to a high dose. But I didn’t get better soon enough so I was sent court ordered away to a state hospital. 

Was it the first time you found help?

Because during my time all the pdocs I had were awful and I would barely talk to them either..

And I'd go years between seeing any..

Every hospital just thought I was having mood related problems because I'd be out of control..or suicidal..

Maybe you finally found smart people..

It sucks you were court ordered to a state hospital..I can't imagine..I'm sorry you went through that..

 

I only remember because it was traumatic..

My current pdoc is the first one that saw through me..

I couldn't lie anymore..

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14 minutes ago, coraline said:

Was it the first time you found help?

Because during my time all the pdocs I had were awful and I would barely talk to them either..

And I'd go years between seeing any..

Every hospital just thought I was having mood related problems because I'd be out of control..or suicidal..

Maybe you finally found smart people..

It sucks you were court ordered to a state hospital..I can't imagine..I'm sorry you went through that..

 

I only remember because it was traumatic..

My current pdoc is the first one that saw through me..

I couldn't lie anymore..

No, mot the first time I got help, no way. I guess it was like you. A really good smart pdoc who saw right through me. I couldn’t lie about it anymore either after being asked directly like that right to my face. I just started sobbing. I knew someone finally saw through me and understood. It was traumatic but also a relief. I had hope I’d get help and could return to work and school. But I never got better hence the court orders and the treatment resistance. I’ve lost that hope that I’ll be able to work or finish school.

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Long post alert!!!

I remember I was in 7th grade, so about 12 or 13 years old when I first started hearing voices. I was having a very hard time in middle school with being constantly bullied... every single day. Needless to say, it was hell. Granted, I never got beat up or anything, but got threatened to quite a lot. But the psychological abuse was barbaric. Being called the f***** word multiple times a day, shoved into lockers, having my gestures mocked that I didn't even know I was doing... Most of this occurred at lunch, when a group of "people" (I use this term liberally) made it a point to single me out, and only me. I could hardly eat lunch I was so anxious of anticipation of what they were going to do or say to me. There was one in particular, though; his name was Doug Foss. He seemed to be the leader of the group. 

Somewhere in the middle of my 7th grade year, I started hearing his voice in my within head. He called me "stupid f*****," "worthless piece of shit," and kept a running commentary of everything I did, narrating my life, telling me "you can't do shit right, why do you bother?" and eventually started telling me to kill myself. When it got to that point, I told my mom about it. She was very concerned, but did nothing about it, so I just dealt with it. Eventually, more voices came. They were voices of the other "people" in the group.

When 7th grade was over, and I was no longer being exposed to the trauma of their bullying, the voices died down, but didn't completely go away. They never went away.

In 9th grade, right when I started high school, I started having problems with getting sick every day at school, especially in the mornings. My mom took me to the doctor (who was new for me as I was no longer seeing my pediatrician, who had retired). Now this guy was a psychiatric pill pusher. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against psych meds (see my signature below for god's sake...), but this guy would give you a psych med if you go in complaining of a broken arm. He's retired now though. So this was about the time Lexapro had just come out, so naturally he played up Lexapro and sold it as a miracle drug and how it would make my life so much better, and I was like, "but will it make me stop throwing up every day?" He said "do you have anxiety?" I said "no..." He said "did you just break up with your girlfriend? I had to hide a smirk as I'm gay, but I hadn't been in a relationship as of that time, but I said "no..." and he kept asking all these questions fishing for a reason to prescribe the Lexapro. Finally he just said, "well just give the Lexapro a try and see if it helps you with your stomach problems." No screening for bipolar was ever done, nor was there any mentioning of it as a possibility.

So he threw about 3 month's worth of samples in one of those "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU" bags with a script for 10 mg Lexapro and off we were. I took it and I didn't feel right. It initially made my nausea worse, but then, lo and behold, it got better. But then came the hallucinations and voices, plus rapid cycling from worsened depression to hypomania and possibly mania. The voices had like an echoing, chattering type quality to them, sometimes they were whispering, sometimes talking to each other. Sometimes they were talking to each other about me in a ridiculing way, usually about whatever I was doing. I couldn't make out who they sounded like. They would just be nondescript male and/or female voices unless they were whispering. This went on for the entire time I was on Lexapro. Eventually I linked the voices and hallucinations (once I hallucinated that everyone in the classroom was on fire...) to Lexapro, so I stopped taking it and they all went away.

Skip to today, I still have voices and hallucinations, just not as frequently now that I'm properly medicated. I don't understand why my pdoc has me diagnosed as bipolar II if I have these types of hallucinations. I guess because they only happen in the context of depression and not mania, and also because I don't think I've ever had a full manic episode (at least not one that wasn't induced by a medication).

Edited by mikl_pls

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