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I struggle with pure rage. Mostly against my poor husband. Afterwards I feel awful. I don’t realize what I’m doing until it’s over. It’s like I see red then after I calm down a bit I see what damage I’ve done. If I were him I’d leave me, and long ago at that.

I snap at him all the time, I yell at him, I’m crabby towards him, I’m just angry and mean. I absolutely hate that about myself.

I know I need to bring this up to tdoc and possibly pdoc too. But I just can’t stop this rage inside of me.

And I was wondering if anyone else deals with rage and hurting people they love. And if anyone has any tips or tricks to stop this awful behavior that I’m doing. Why am I so angry?

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24 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

And I was wondering if anyone else deals with rage and hurting people they love. And if anyone has any tips or tricks to stop this awful behavior that I’m doing. Why am I so angry?

Did the feelings of rage just start recently, or has this been going on for awhile?

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For me: Thorazine... When it gets to the level of seriously intrusive or dangerous. I kno you're on a ton of aaps tho. I had a hospital pdoc tell me that too many tranquilizers (read- APs) at once can facilitate rage too. For me it's about avoiding triggers, even if the triggers aren't logical, I can deal with them when I'm in a better state. EX...if someone is eating loudly and I'm in mixed episode hate the world mode I literally just get up and leave, even tho it's not like someone is doing anything wrong. Another one is clanking dishes like as to load a dishwasher. Unless I'm the one doing it I can't be around. People touching me too- my close family and friends kno not to randomly do stuff like grab my shoulder when I'm feeling really bad. 

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7 hours ago, CrazyRedhead said:

Did the feelings of rage just start recently, or has this been going on for awhile?

So I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years and although it has been going on for a while, it has intensified recently (like the last year on and off) by a great amount. It comes and goes. The tiniest things can set me off. And illogical things too. I should feel lucky to have someone who puts up with my garbage.

And then it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be married if I am having these feelings. Like he could do better. So then I feel like I shouldn’t be around anymore or I should leave him and start fresh. But neither of those options are feasible currently. If I said I want to leave him, my family would have me committed.

One last thing, this kind of rage and wanting to leave my husband and everything usually pops up when I’m in a mixed or manic state. But I’m not sure that is happening currently? Not manic. Mixed? Not sure, I guess it’s possible. 

I called my nurse, she said she’d call back the next day. No call. Tdoc emailed the nurse to call me. No call. I’m losing my mind.

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7 hours ago, Iceberg said:

For me: Thorazine... When it gets to the level of seriously intrusive or dangerous. I kno you're on a ton of aaps tho. I had a hospital pdoc tell me that too many tranquilizers (read- APs) at once can facilitate rage too. For me it's about avoiding triggers, even if the triggers aren't logical, I can deal with them when I'm in a better state. EX...if someone is eating loudly and I'm in mixed episode hate the world mode I literally just get up and leave, even tho it's not like someone is doing anything wrong. Another one is clanking dishes like as to load a dishwasher. Unless I'm the one doing it I can't be around. People touching me too- my close family and friends kno not to randomly do stuff like grab my shoulder when I'm feeling really bad. 

I wish I had something like Thorazine. I’d honestly be popping them like candy right now. I’m so agitated and angry. I am about to burst. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’ve called and my tdoc has emailed the nurse and no call back. I don’t have a pdoc appointment for 2 weeks at least.

Yes. Still on Abilify 35 mg, Seroquel XR 600 mg, and 450 mg clozapine. I’m about to take things in my own hands! I have begged, pleaded with my pdoc to let me get off of another AAP and asked her please can we start lowering doses right now? I need to lessen the number of AAP’s that I’m on. She doesn’t listen. Just keeps raising the clozapine dose by 50 mg then see you in a month (after a 10 min appointment).

THANK YOU! I totally understand and am glad you can understand the illogical triggers thing! This happens to me with husband sooooooo often. If he sneezes and it’s loud it startles me and then I’m pissed. It bugs the F out of me. Embarrasses me in public. Same with loud chewing, I totally understand that one. So much more but I can’t think. And yes, there are a lot of times I don’t want to be touched either. Ugh. 

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I had horrible rage issues as a teenager, but those went away for the most part as an adult. And since I've been on Tegretol (carbamazepine) I have not had rage at all. I'm actually quite mellow and meek.

So I know for a fact that, for me at least, Tegretol keeps a lid on the anger.

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2 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I wish I had something like Thorazine. I’d honestly be popping them like candy right now. I’m so agitated and angry. I am about to burst. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’ve called and my tdoc has emailed the nurse and no call back. I don’t have a pdoc appointment for 2 weeks at least.

Yes. Still on Abilify 35 mg, Seroquel XR 600 mg, and 450 mg clozapine. I’m about to take things in my own hands! I have begged, pleaded with my pdoc to let me get off of another AAP and asked her please can we start lowering doses right now? I need to lessen the number of AAP’s that I’m on. She doesn’t listen. Just keeps raising the clozapine dose by 50 mg then see you in a month (after a 10 min appointment).

THANK YOU! I totally understand and am glad you can understand the illogical triggers thing! This happens to me with husband sooooooo often. If he sneezes and it’s loud it startles me and then I’m pissed. It bugs the F out of me. Embarrasses me in public. Same with loud chewing, I totally understand that one. So much more but I can’t think. And yes, there are a lot of times I don’t want to be touched either. Ugh. 

In that cocktail, it seems a high dose of abilify has the *possibility* of being overstimulating which, to me took small issues and elevated them to catastrophes. However, it's like impossible to tell what's what with three full dose aps on board at the same time. I had a doc who did the same thing with mood stabilizers- maxed trileptal + maxed lamictal + toxic high Depakote+ lithium and then thought it good to to leave me on all of them regardless of what was happening with my symptoms or the others meds he was putting me on, which led to serious confusion about symptoms vs drug interaction effects. My point is I understand that it's really hard to feel out of control, but you can't expect yourself to be going through such brutal med switches with a totally clear head. 

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20 hours ago, jt07 said:

I had horrible rage issues as a teenager, but those went away for the most part as an adult. And since I've been on Tegretol (carbamazepine) I have not had rage at all. I'm actually quite mellow and meek.

So I know for a fact that, for me at least, Tegretol keeps a lid on the anger.

Thanks for the idea, jt. I will definitely have to keep this in mind. I take lamictal for a mood stabilizer but I don’t know what it’s actually doing if anything right now. I’ve been on it for sooo long. 

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19 hours ago, Iceberg said:

In that cocktail, it seems a high dose of abilify has the *possibility* of being overstimulating which, to me took small issues and elevated them to catastrophes. However, it's like impossible to tell what's what with three full dose aps on board at the same time. I had a doc who did the same thing with mood stabilizers- maxed trileptal + maxed lamictal + toxic high Depakote+ lithium and then thought it good to to leave me on all of them regardless of what was happening with my symptoms or the others meds he was putting me on, which led to serious confusion about symptoms vs drug interaction effects. My point is I understand that it's really hard to feel out of control, but you can't expect yourself to be going through such brutal med switches with a totally clear head. 

I’m starting to believe all of these meds together are poisonous. Rotting my brain away. I do feel so out of control. Small things do become catastrophes! You understand! Thank you! 

I wouldn’t doubt if it for me is a mixture of actual SZA symptoms and over medicated too many AAP symptoms. Just like you said. 

What I don’t know is what to actually do right now. Obviously the clinic is closed. I could wait til Monday and call the nurse yet again or call the on call unit today (but husband doesn’t sound like he wants me to do this nor go IP or IOP). I just need to get off some AAP meds ASAP. I feel like I’m taking poison everyday. This can’t be healthy. My pdoc insists on me staying on them no matter what though! I’m so confused. 

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3 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I’m starting to believe all of these meds together are poisonous. Rotting my brain away. I do feel so out of control. Small things do become catastrophes! You understand! Thank you! 

I wouldn’t doubt if it for me is a mixture of actual SZA symptoms and over medicated too many AAP symptoms. Just like you said. 

What I don’t know is what to actually do right now. Obviously the clinic is closed. I could wait til Monday and call the nurse yet again or call the on call unit today (but husband doesn’t sound like he wants me to do this nor go IP or IOP). I just need to get off some AAP meds ASAP. I feel like I’m taking poison everyday. This can’t be healthy. My pdoc insists on me staying on them no matter what though! I’m so confused. 

Could you be more uh...forceful...with your requests/positions? 

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15 hours ago, Iceberg said:

 

Could you be more uh...forceful...with your requests/positions? 

Yes. Perhaps I could do this. I’m not the best at standing up for myself. Maybe this has been part of the problem. I have asked her many times but I get turned down or ignored. I don’t know what to say nor what I’m doing terribly wrong that she won’t listen to my requests. I guess I need to really put my foot down. And if I see her in 2 weeks and I’m still very crazee, I fear she will no way Jose take away any of the meds I’m on. She will see me as still needing all of these AAP’s is what I’m fearing. 

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2 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Yes. Perhaps I could do this. I’m not the best at standing up for myself. Maybe this has been part of the problem. I have asked her many times but I get turned down or ignored. I don’t know what to say nor what I’m doing terribly wrong that she won’t listen to my requests. I guess I need to really put my foot down. And if I see her in 2 weeks and I’m still very crazee, I fear she will no way Jose take away any of the meds I’m on. She will see me as still needing all of these AAP’s is what I’m fearing. 

Being assertive with a doc can be the hardest thing because they have the authority and you always want to be in good standing. However, it sounds like you and doc are not on the same page, and even if nothing changes its important to you where you stand 

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22 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I’m starting to believe all of these meds together are poisonous. Rotting my brain away. I do feel so out of control. Small things do become catastrophes! You understand! Thank you! 

I wouldn’t doubt if it for me is a mixture of actual SZA symptoms and over medicated too many AAP symptoms. Just like you said. 

What I don’t know is what to actually do right now. Obviously the clinic is closed. I could wait til Monday and call the nurse yet again or call the on call unit today (but husband doesn’t sound like he wants me to do this nor go IP or IOP). I just need to get off some AAP meds ASAP. I feel like I’m taking poison everyday. This can’t be healthy. My pdoc insists on me staying on them no matter what though! I’m so confused. 

The meds are not poisonous, Cheese, but I do agree that you are on quite a few AAPs and some might be redundant. I don't think the pdoc will think anything bad if you are forceful telling her what you think. Let her defend her position to you. It's your life and your body and you have a right to at least know why she is doing what she is doing and to tell your perspective. Just don't tell her you think the meds are poisonous because in that case she might not take you seriously.

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6 minutes ago, jt07 said:

 Just don't tell her you think the meds are poisonous because in that case she might not take you seriously.

I agree with jt.......You definitely shouldn't tell her that you think the meds are poisonous......

Maybe ask her why she thinks you need 3 AAPs?.........I don't think that would be an unreasonable question at all...

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2 hours ago, jt07 said:

The meds are not poisonous, Cheese, but I do agree that you are on quite a few AAPs and some might be redundant. I don't think the pdoc will think anything bad if you are forceful telling her what you think. Let her defend her position to you. It's your life and your body and you have a right to at least know why she is doing what she is doing and to tell your perspective. Just don't tell her you think the meds are poisonous because in that case she might not take you seriously.

 

2 hours ago, CrazyRedhead said:

I agree with jt.......You definitely shouldn't tell her that you think the meds are poisonous......

Maybe ask her why she thinks you need 3 AAPs?.........I don't think that would be an unreasonable question at all...

 

I see your points. I guess I could conveniently leave out the fact that I feel like the meds combined are poisoning me. But where does that stop? Do I not tell her about the sensor in my brain still acting up, the voices taunting me, the mixed mood symptoms, the rage I have towards everything (especially my husband)?

I’m no saint and I’ve certainly not reported symptoms in the past. So I could leave that one about the meds out.

But I am hesitant to leave out much more because then she will think I’m doing well and I won’t see her for month(s). But if I do leave out more she might be more inclined to take away one of my AAP’s that I’m on. I’m just sitting here ripping my hair out. I don’t know what is best. 

 This pdoc appointment is a little less than 2 weeks away. I do see tdoc tomorrow if the weather is not too terrible. 

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14 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

 

 

I see your points. I guess I could conveniently leave out the fact that I feel like the meds combined are poisoning me. But where does that stop? Do I not tell her about the sensor in my brain still acting up, the voices taunting me, the mixed mood symptoms, the rage I have towards everything (especially my husband)?

I’m no saint and I’ve certainly not reported symptoms in the past. So I could leave that one about the meds out.

But I am hesitant to leave out much more because then she will think I’m doing well and I won’t see her for month(s). But if I do leave out more she might be more inclined to take away one of my AAP’s that I’m on. I’m just sitting here ripping my hair out. I don’t know what is best. 

 This pdoc appointment is a little less than 2 weeks away. I do see tdoc tomorrow if the weather is not too terrible. 

Cheese,

I know what it's like to not give the full picture to your treatment team...I once told an IP intake that I did not ever experience psychosis so I could get admitted to the calm unit...unfortunately I did not get the right kind of help leaving out the key detail of what was going on...

I have made it a point to be as honest as possible to my pdoc. I have had to share some really hard things...but because of this I am receiving better treatment. I see her every 2 weeks and we have scheduled longer appointments. 

My point is, I think it IS possible that you can do both, be honest about thinking your medications are poisonous and tell her you feel you are on too many AAP's...

Maybe you could say something like this:

"I think it is important for you to know I am not doing well. I think my mood is in a mixed state and I am having issues with thinking my medications are poisonous..I feel like I am on too many antipsychotics and am still having psychotic symptoms..is it possible we taper me off of some of the AAP's and work on increasing the clozapine until my paranoia and mood instability is under control?"

I hope this helps...

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3 minutes ago, Butterflykisses said:

Cheese,

I know what it's like to not give the full picture to your treatment team...I once told an IP intake that I did not ever experience psychosis so I could get admitted to the calm unit...unfortunately I did not get the right kind of help leaving out the key detail of what was going on...

I have made it a point to be as honest as possible to my pdoc. I have had to share some really hard things...but because of this I am receiving better treatment. I see her every 2 weeks and we have scheduled longer appointments. 

My point is, I think it IS possible that you can do both, be honest about thinking your medications are poisonous and tell her you feel you are on too many AAP's...

Maybe you could say something like this:

"I think it is important for you to know I am not doing well. I think my mood is in a mixed state and I am having issues with thinking my medications are poisonous..I feel like I am on too many antipsychotics and am still having psychotic symptoms..is it possible we taper me off of some of the AAP's and work on increasing the clozapine until my paranoia and mood instability is under control?"

I hope this helps...

Thanks butterfly. That does help. I might even have to steal what you wrote and borrow that for my appointment! It’s perfect! Thank you! If I have something written down and I just read it, it makes things a lot easier. Otherwise I forget 99% of what I was going to say. I sort of freeze up.

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33 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

But where does that stop? Do I not tell her about the sensor in my brain still acting up, the voices taunting me, the mixed mood symptoms, the rage I have towards everything (especially my husband)?

No, not suggesting at all to cover up your symptoms.....Of course tell her about those.......Just leave out that you think the meds are poisonous/poisoning you......I would also suggest asking her why she thinks you need 3 AAPs, like I mentioned before.

IMO, if you tell her that you think the meds are poisonous/poisoning you, she might have doubts about what you're telling her.........Just my 2 cents.

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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10 minutes ago, CrazyRedhead said:

No, not suggesting at all to cover up your symptoms.....Of course tell her about those.......Just leave out that you think the meds are poisonous/poisoning you......I would also suggest asking her why she thinks you need 3 AAPs, like I mentioned before.

IMO, if you tell her that you think the meds are poisonous/poisoning you, she might have doubts about what you're telling her.........Just my 2 cents.

Oh I’m sorry. I misunderstood. And I’m all mixed up. I’m dumb I’m sorry. I am not thinking right. 

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3 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Oh I’m sorry. I misunderstood. And I’m all mixed up. I’m dumb I’m sorry. I am not thinking right. 

No problem......I really hope you can get this resolved with your pdoc......And you are not dumb....

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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