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GroovyGwen

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About GroovyGwen

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  1. **trigger** Totally freaking me out. Whenever I hear about any suicide, I get triggered, but knowing that he constantly struggled but succumbed at 63... Makes me feel like there is no hope and that it is inevitable. Exactly.
  2. Well, geez, that's incredibly frustrating! Can you physically show up in the doc's office and insist that you've now passed "semi" and are into full blown emergency? I called and have an appointment in about half an hour. She wasn't in the office until today, so i get it, but it still sucks to be shitty and ignored.
  3. Jesus christ, I googled fluoroquinolone and sounds they're not worth the antibiotic effect. I'm pretty sure mine isn't one of those, it starts with cefe- which google says is a cephelosporin. Don't ya love google? Must get to the doctor today - I called Monday and the doc never got back to me. Cool, right? I tell the admin that I can't stop crying and it's a semi-emergency, she says she will call the doc to see if she can talk to me over the phone, then i never hear back. If I'd have offed myself, couldn't my family sue or some shit? I'm feeling sooooo unstable. Must do something. Yay more meds!
  4. Thank you so much. Removal of the crutch sounds about right. I guess I tough it out? Look for other coping mechanisms? I am so close to buying a pack just to be functional again...
  5. Awww, thanks! I don't want to sacrifice my sanity for quitting cigs either, but I'd like to be functional again.
  6. I got a cold/the flu about 2 weeks ago and used my inability to breathe as a jumping off point to stop smoking cigarettes. I would normally go through a pack in about a day or 2, but the last cigarette I had was a week ago. Also, I went on antibiotics 4 days ago for residual sinus infection crap. NOW for the last 2 days I'm having major depression issues and fits of uncontrollable crying. I have a call in to my doctor, but am curious about anyone's experience quitting smoking kinda cold turkey and/or antibiotics making you really depressed. Thanks in advance.
  7. I got an Njoy electronic cigarette and it worked better than the patch of gum for me. Curbed the cravings while giving me something to anxiously fiddle with in the car and at work. Downside is they look kinda stupid - but they work.
  8. Terrible, horrible, worst weekend I've had in a long time. 100% should have stayed home & hibernated. Since it was supposed to rain the entire weekend we didn't go camping. Friday night I accompanied my friend to a party in Brooklyn with cool, artsy, alternative lifestyle people. Cool performance art, aerial routines & fire routines, but it all made me fearful and wanting to run away. Saturday we went to a beach house with a smaller group of the same crowd. The crowd was all really tightknit and I didn't fit in. I didn't take any drugs other than smoking some weed, which probably added to my anxiety and paranoia, but everyone else was tripping their face off. MDMA, mushrooms and other chemicals with names I didn't recognize. The crowd was all so goddamn happy and it made me super-aware of my crappiness. I had some of the worst social anxiety and paranoia I've had in years. I kept taking xanax thinking it would make me chill the fuck out but it really didn't. I just felt lonely and miserable and like I was ruining everyone else's time. I'm glad I didn't take the psychedelics because it probably would have intensified the crappiness. I succeeded in not drinking too although it was offered and I was really tempted. Oh, and I had been trying to quit smoking using one of those E-cigarettes, but I ended up buying cigs and chain smoking to give myself something to do. There was a point where I smoked too many cigs and got dizzy and had to sit down, then had to go puke in the bathroom. Another part of my awesome first impression. Moral of the story: always listen to CB's advice.
  9. Because depression overwhelms any rational thought. It seeps into the cracks of our brain no matter how hard we try to fill them with meds & positivity. It trickles in, and before you know it you're engulfed in crap. But it's not YOUR fault. Definitely not due to you being selfish. Go easy on yourself. I'm thinking about you...
  10. Well, I'm definitely going - it's just a question of getting my head set on NOT trying shrooms. I do smoke so it's not like I'll be totally sober but the allure of a positive psychedelic experience is tempting. It's a group of people who frequent Burning Man, it's not like it's the National Association of 'Shroom Takers or anything. I've been to some parties in the community before and they are really fun! It's camping, which I enjoy and haven't done in awhile, on an island off the coast of MD where wild horses live and roam. My friend who I'm going with says it's like a mini-burn and would be a good introduction before I think about going to the whole kit n' kaboodle. I'm very excited to go since I don't do much otherwise and I really need to get excited about something. I'm hating my existence lately, so I'm trying to do new things and expand my horizons with open-minded people.
  11. I'm going camping this weekend with a crowd of people who are into psychedelics, magic mushrooms in particular. The 1 experience I've had with hallucinogenics was accidental smoking of pot laced with PCP, and it was filled with paranoia and suicidal ideations. I KNOW it's a terrible idea to try even a little bit of mushrooms, but there is a nagging piece of brain that thinks maybe this would be a positive and life-changing experience. Anyhoo - please insert your negative experiences and admonishments below. Thanks!
  12. For me, Inpatient is reserved for when I feel that the suicidal ideations are uncontrollable and I'm a danger to myself and/or others. They're great for serious med tweaking because they meet with you daily, but the therapy side of it is lacking. It's more a safe haven if you are out of control. In case of emergency, get your ass there. Also consider your health benefits and what the cost would be. Depending on your coverage it can be way more expensive than it's worth. Intensive outpatient programs have been more helpful for the therapy side of things, in terms of coping skills & group support. LiveOak is right - they are a lot of time & work but to me they reduced the stress as long as it's a good program. The only drawback for me personally was that they insisted on putting me in the substance abuse group in addition to the mental health group because of my longstanding history with pot, and that group required attending 12-step meetings which I DETEST. Had I been able to only go to the mental health part, I would have benefited more I think. You could try going to your therapist more often, I often feel like once a week is too infrequent. I happened to watch some House episodes a few days ago where he goes inpatient and it seems like a more life-changing, therapeutic atmosphere. I wish that was what my IP experiences had been, instead of just a safe place to be and refocus for like a week.
  13. I've been on effexor for years - it's been the best AD for me by far. I'm on 112.5 now, but I was on 300mg for awhile. I had to go off it years ago and the withdrawl was TERRIBLE. Zaps, nausea, dizziness... So be forewarned about that!
  14. My experience with lamotrigine is that I would feel my mood elevate for a bit after upping the dosage, but it would even out after time. Although it's great for bipolar depression, I've needed an additional AD to help it along. Just a thought. Are you going to therapy or a group at all or just the pdoc? It seems natural that changing from daily reinforcement & positive actions to nuttin would bring about a mood change. Any way you can do a few days of IOP and not everyday? We cannot get better unless we are honest about our moods to our docs. They can't do their jobs without all the information. You are NOT a bad patient for not being 'better', if anything you are a GREAT patient because you are ensuring the doc will have your 'business' for a while. You're med compliant & open to change. How boring is it for docs to treat patients that are fine & stable?
  15. No grogginess, I'm more concerned with the activating effect. I've been taking them all at night too because I'm more consistent that way. I can't take them on an empty stomach so if I take them in the morning I have to wait until I eat, and I sometimes skip breakfast. I've been experiencing some battyness in the afternoon, I was thinking it might be related to taking the meds at night and them wearing off by the afternoon... Trial and error it is! Thanks!
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