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yellowlovesgray

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  1. I wondered this too before having to withdraw off benzos and go cold turkey off Adderall last year, and I've *NEVER* in my life I think felt this optimistic, happy, stable, relaxed -- and it's a super issue still lol. I've never been this undepressed ever, as far as I can look back. And my level of IDGAF is so liberating right now, I have a lifelong history of self conciousness about everythign about myself, and I'm not even physically at my best right now and I'm really proud of a whole bunch of things about me. My work is great when I can do it and I have a really strong demand for it, I have great friends, a great life otherwise...I just like, I need to be able to work enough to pay bills like my health insurance because I'd like to keep being healthy. And I'd like to move on with my life, I miss my old city and my life and work and I'd love to be in the same city with my boyfriend. I do believe my life long struggles with this had a LOT to do with my undiagnosed thyroid disorder (I have autoimmune Hashimotos), and now that that's leveled off I feel like a brand new normal person emotionally and I'd like to stay that way, and I need health insurance to do that. Doctors are making it sound completley unreasonable to be concerned about that while they're billing me for tests that I can't afford LOL. The disconnect is amazing. My premimum is $345/month though and if I went without insurance my specialists and meds would cost me 3x that to stay healthy. Texas has the coverage gap so I don't qualify for Medicaid or anything. Nobody is gonna recommend disability for this. I'm not sure even how more therapy would make this better, it is what it is you know? My therapist is great but I feel like she's just sorta like "Welp..." because she doesn't know what else to do.
  2. This!! Also, like I'm not really sure how to describe this to them because I thought they'd understand but apparently not... But, like this is completely different from the kind of anxiety I used to have several years ago and while I was on benzos -- I was in a constant state of panic about absolutely everything with no real triggers. I feel like this is different because there's actually something to worry about, and I'm worried about, but it's not driving me batty like the old anxiety did. I'm just, like, frustrated of having to live with my parents and not being sure if I'm going to be able to afford health insurance, etc. becasue I can't really do what I do. And I feel like i"m maxed out on behaviorial/CBT life hacks (not sure if I posted this here or sent this to my boyfriend), I even gave examples. Like, I don't lose my purse or keys ever, because I have an organizational 'system' in place where I have a designated hook next to the door that my purse goes on, and my keys are on a latch fob thingy that hook onto a metal loop on my purse -- and I ONLY buy purses with metal loops specifically for this purpose. So those two things are always together and they never get lost, I'm super disciplined. That's how I approach like everything, I have to create systems and be consistent, I have to make lists and schedules...it's just, without the meds those schedules and lists make no sense and are useless. Also, I'm a graphic designer and web developer, I've done this for 18 years and I'm really good at it but it has both creative concepts that you need to work through and make decisions on as well as tasks - and I can handle the tasks and break them up and do them in bits, but when I tell doctors this they don't seem to understand that the more important part is the abstract creative decisions and the problem solving. So when I say I can't really do my job, they skip immediately to me learning a whole new skill and changing careers. I'm...shocked the last year how often they've implied it would be easier for me to go back to school and study and learn an entirely new industry and ease into it and change careers than it would be to just fix this problem. That's nuts to me. So I do have some worries, but my life is ALL chill otherwise right now. I live with my parents again because I had to leave my career for this, I work part time for myself, I can work from home, my clients are chill, I bike 30 miles a week, my diet is SUPER clean and healthy, I have an amazingly supportive awesome long distance boyfriend...like I have no other stressors and I feel emotionally amazing except for this ONE thing, and what I'm feeling most is frustration that NOBODY will meet me halfway on this.
  3. I'm pretty sure that's where they're going with this, the therapist really fixated on it even AFTER I told her that I've been speaking to a therapist on Teledoc since it's free with my insurance since January. My therapist on Teledoc literally doesn't have anyhthing more useful to tell me about ADD so we just talk about how frustrated and jaded I am about this not being fixed in our system and how upset I am about it and how to deal with it. I have ZERO other stressors in my life besides this -- I'm in REALLY good demand professionally I just can't take the work. And I work in a very cool industry, I have a job that a lot of people would love to do for free and I have a ton of critical acclaim. ...why would I be making this up?? I don't udnerstand why they won't just treat it, especially since I had a diagnosis for a decade in another city with records that I already faxed and dozens of pill bottles to show.
  4. I went today, and we had an hour long talk and a one-sheet long list of questions with yes or no answers, and then when the therapist asked me if I had any questions, I inquried about what was next and she said that they'd contact my insurance to get some guidance about what they'd pay for, and then they'd let me know if I needed extended testing in a week or so. ...why do I just know that their diagnosis is going to be based on what my insurance will pay for? Also, I mentioend that I really need to return to work and they asked me if I had anxiety about it, and I said that I speak to a therapist already and we both think it's a substantiated fear that I haven't been able to work in over 6 months, and they suggested that I had simply an anxiety issue that needed to be medicated. I think not being able to work and therefore not being able to pay for your health insurance is a completely valid substantiated fear....
  5. Ugh I'm worried about not being able to get the diagnosis now because I was diagnosed as an adult and not as a child, I've had a psychiatrist here say that that means I don't really have it but I grew up in a poor neighborhood in the 80s and literally nobody was diagnosed. I've had a long battle and I had to take last year off completely because I moved and couldn't get my meds refilled so I had to go cold turkey off Adderall and Clonazapam. Now that I'm out of withdrawal and my thyroid condition is being treated better, I have almost no issues with depression anymore (been good for about 8 months now off antidepressants/anxiety meds) and so all that's wrong now is my inability to focus. It's debilitating, and I've gone the route of working with my endo about it because thyroid issues CAN cause brain fog, but this goes beyond that. I'm unable to focus and I have zero motivation, despite otherwise feeling great. I'm a self employed graphic designer and I really can't work -- I open the software I've used for 15 years and that I've been certified in and I don't know where to begin. Even really simple tasks...I'm so easily confused and can't stay on track and I have no motivation. I've made lists upon lists but I forget how/where to access the lists or that I even made them. I feel like I've maxed out all the dietary and natural things to fix it and it's not working -- I started biking 30 miles/week a few months ago, I eat a super healthy gluten free diet high in Omega 3s, I supplement whatever I can and get plenty of sleep and water...I'm in great health I just can't work for shit. Straterra makes me puke and Wellbutrin just makes me irritable. Right before I moved I was named among the Most Influential and Inspirationl Entreprenuers in Silicon Prairie by a prestigious magazine and now I can barely get through a 15 minute convo with a potential client without bluescreening at least once. It's bad and nobody here is taking me seriously and I'm soo frustrated because I need to work to pay for my health insurance in the first place.
  6. In Texas now, I don't think it's law but it's happening everywhere that doctors are trying to CYA so now even if you've had a diagnosis and you move, you HAVE to have an assessment done by a psychologist first and then they refer you to a psychiatrist now who may or may not prescribe for you. Also, the assesment is about $500 out of pocket that my insurance that I pay a $300+ premium on monthly doesn't pay and it doesn't go toward my deductible. For the chance to maybe get a prescription but probably not -- here they try really hard now to just give you Wellbutrin or Straterra. It's a nightmare because of the 'opiod crisis.'
  7. What goes on during one of these? I took meds for ADD for 6 years and was able to function, then I moved to a city with different prescribing laws and couldn't get meds and I was completely non functional and not working for a year. My case is pretty extreme, and I'm going to be eligible in my area to be treated again but I have to do a very expensive assessment first. What goes on during an assessment? I'm very worried about wasting $500 and them just telling me it doesn't sound like ADD and then not being able to work for even longer. I...acquired some low dose Concerta and I've felt like my old self again work wise and was able to do enough to save up for the assessment and I'm so scared about this feeling of normalcy ending.
  8. I think it’s annedhonia exactly. I started Wellbutrin again and it did help, I think I need to go up in dosage though because I’m constantly drowsy still and I’m on a pretty high dose already. still not terribly motivated and I’m super apathetic. Like I know consequences to my apathy exist but I don’t seem to care. I did start exercising again, I bought a bike and I’ve been consistent and feel physically better and a little happier, I just can’t motivate myself to work, get ready in the morning, etc. Outside of my daily bike ride I just watch tv in bed on my phone all day.
  9. Straterra didn’t work for my ADD and it also makes me nauseous and it makes me violently puke. ? I don’t know what’s wrong. I feel like ADD is an issue but I also feel like I have massive anhedonia. I’m seeing a therapist tomorrow because my psychiatrist wants me to see one because of our prescribing laws here, but I don’t know what she’s gonna tell me that’s useful. Bleah.
  10. True, I keep trying to force myself to work but when I sit down I just cannot focus. Like to the point where I don’t know how to do what I do almost. And I’m actually really skilled at it, but I open software I’m certified with and have used for my entire adult life and nothing makes sense. Like it’s almost painful to try to untangle and sort out. I do think a huge part of it is my ADD but the non drum meds just do not work for me and make me nauseous and it’s become really hard to get stimulants here. Argh.
  11. I’m so grateful and in love with that part. I just can’t work and I need to get back to it. ? I’m self employed and having trouble just getting started again.
  12. It was never a thing for decades living in Dallas, when I moved to San Antonio the laws here had just been changed. Just saying to be careful about this, there’s a lot of changes starting up in many states that are completely new because of the “opioid crisis.” If it hasn’t happened in your state yet that’s great. I never had a problem filling them either until I suddenly did. The process is even different here now. You HAVE to see a therapist to determine you have ADD or anxiety, then you have to submit proof to a psychiatrist and make an appt and you MIGHT be able to get a benzo or stim. It’s hard to find appts here and those two appts can be months apart. not sure why a therapist is in charge of this now but ok. I’d never heard of this process before. It’s less than 2 years old.
  13. I can’t decide if I’m being lazy or if I’m still depressed. I took Adderal, Clonazapam and different ssri’s the last decade and was forced to withdraw last year. for the first time in the last 10 years I feel a lack of despair, hopelessness and sadness. It’s consistent too. And I don’t “worry” about things. but that’s what concerns me. I can’t be bothered to work (I’m self employed), do even really basic things or do anything physical for “fun.” I just lay around and sleep all day and watch Hulu. I bought a bike and was so excited sorta about it coming but I can’t bringmyself to ride it. I mean that’s still depression isn’t it? Or is it not? im literally confused about how normal life and functionality works without meds. I’m exhausted. No desire to work and I’m a workaholic with a fun creative job. I’m being a teeny bit social after not doing so for years and that’s good. but I don’t feel like this lack of give a damn and motivation is normal. It’s like I’m just apathetic to everything but I’m blinded by how chill I am. Thoughts?
  14. Thought I'd update this thread because my mom's former employer just had this happen to him, too. He'd been taking Xanax for years, then he got a divorce and moved and nobody would fill his prescription in a new city. They gave him 3 tablets and told him to go to rehab. The family is of money so they were able to choose which one and chose one in another state outside of Texas. This is a thing, ugh. I think this is just gonna be the future. It was long withdrawal I was having - I drank two beers a day while the tremors were at their worst (I know, it's just SO uncomfortable), and was finally able to go without completely yesterday. it's still slightly bugging me enough to not be able to work but I'm applying anyway that way it'll be in the process by the time I'm near 100% again. I'll just rebuild my business when I'm better if I still feel like doing that.
  15. Yeah Iceberg's pretty wonderful that way. Thank you Iceberg, whenever I post here your posts make me feel like I'm truly not alone.
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