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yellowlovesgray

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Everything posted by yellowlovesgray

  1. Thought I'd update here, having a chain for my own records about this is very helpful. So, this was posted in June 2018, and I went about a full year without the Adderal, and I literally could not work. I felt great emotionally and picked up some hobbies, but I couldn't bring myself to work normally to support myself. I decided it was time to get my life back together, so about a year later exactly I started taking a stimulant again, and Boom. Got my life back pretty quickly. Was able to work again immediately, saved up enough to move back to my old city. However, the chronic fatigue
  2. I wondered this too before having to withdraw off benzos and go cold turkey off Adderall last year, and I've *NEVER* in my life I think felt this optimistic, happy, stable, relaxed -- and it's a super issue still lol. I've never been this undepressed ever, as far as I can look back. And my level of IDGAF is so liberating right now, I have a lifelong history of self conciousness about everythign about myself, and I'm not even physically at my best right now and I'm really proud of a whole bunch of things about me. My work is great when I can do it and I have a really strong demand for it, I hav
  3. This!! Also, like I'm not really sure how to describe this to them because I thought they'd understand but apparently not... But, like this is completely different from the kind of anxiety I used to have several years ago and while I was on benzos -- I was in a constant state of panic about absolutely everything with no real triggers. I feel like this is different because there's actually something to worry about, and I'm worried about, but it's not driving me batty like the old anxiety did. I'm just, like, frustrated of having to live with my parents and not being sure if I'm going to be a
  4. I'm pretty sure that's where they're going with this, the therapist really fixated on it even AFTER I told her that I've been speaking to a therapist on Teledoc since it's free with my insurance since January. My therapist on Teledoc literally doesn't have anyhthing more useful to tell me about ADD so we just talk about how frustrated and jaded I am about this not being fixed in our system and how upset I am about it and how to deal with it. I have ZERO other stressors in my life besides this -- I'm in REALLY good demand professionally I just can't take the work. And I work in a very cool i
  5. I went today, and we had an hour long talk and a one-sheet long list of questions with yes or no answers, and then when the therapist asked me if I had any questions, I inquried about what was next and she said that they'd contact my insurance to get some guidance about what they'd pay for, and then they'd let me know if I needed extended testing in a week or so. ...why do I just know that their diagnosis is going to be based on what my insurance will pay for? Also, I mentioend that I really need to return to work and they asked me if I had anxiety about it, and I said that I speak to a
  6. Ugh I'm worried about not being able to get the diagnosis now because I was diagnosed as an adult and not as a child, I've had a psychiatrist here say that that means I don't really have it but I grew up in a poor neighborhood in the 80s and literally nobody was diagnosed. I've had a long battle and I had to take last year off completely because I moved and couldn't get my meds refilled so I had to go cold turkey off Adderall and Clonazapam. Now that I'm out of withdrawal and my thyroid condition is being treated better, I have almost no issues with depression anymore (been good for abou
  7. In Texas now, I don't think it's law but it's happening everywhere that doctors are trying to CYA so now even if you've had a diagnosis and you move, you HAVE to have an assessment done by a psychologist first and then they refer you to a psychiatrist now who may or may not prescribe for you. Also, the assesment is about $500 out of pocket that my insurance that I pay a $300+ premium on monthly doesn't pay and it doesn't go toward my deductible. For the chance to maybe get a prescription but probably not -- here they try really hard now to just give you Wellbutrin or Straterra. It's a night
  8. What goes on during one of these? I took meds for ADD for 6 years and was able to function, then I moved to a city with different prescribing laws and couldn't get meds and I was completely non functional and not working for a year. My case is pretty extreme, and I'm going to be eligible in my area to be treated again but I have to do a very expensive assessment first. What goes on during an assessment? I'm very worried about wasting $500 and them just telling me it doesn't sound like ADD and then not being able to work for even longer. I...acquired some low dose Concerta and I've felt like m
  9. I think it’s annedhonia exactly. I started Wellbutrin again and it did help, I think I need to go up in dosage though because I’m constantly drowsy still and I’m on a pretty high dose already. still not terribly motivated and I’m super apathetic. Like I know consequences to my apathy exist but I don’t seem to care. I did start exercising again, I bought a bike and I’ve been consistent and feel physically better and a little happier, I just can’t motivate myself to work, get ready in the morning, etc. Outside of my daily bike ride I just watch tv in bed on my phone all day.
  10. Straterra didn’t work for my ADD and it also makes me nauseous and it makes me violently puke. ? I don’t know what’s wrong. I feel like ADD is an issue but I also feel like I have massive anhedonia. I’m seeing a therapist tomorrow because my psychiatrist wants me to see one because of our prescribing laws here, but I don’t know what she’s gonna tell me that’s useful. Bleah.
  11. True, I keep trying to force myself to work but when I sit down I just cannot focus. Like to the point where I don’t know how to do what I do almost. And I’m actually really skilled at it, but I open software I’m certified with and have used for my entire adult life and nothing makes sense. Like it’s almost painful to try to untangle and sort out. I do think a huge part of it is my ADD but the non drum meds just do not work for me and make me nauseous and it’s become really hard to get stimulants here. Argh.
  12. I’m so grateful and in love with that part. I just can’t work and I need to get back to it. ? I’m self employed and having trouble just getting started again.
  13. It was never a thing for decades living in Dallas, when I moved to San Antonio the laws here had just been changed. Just saying to be careful about this, there’s a lot of changes starting up in many states that are completely new because of the “opioid crisis.” If it hasn’t happened in your state yet that’s great. I never had a problem filling them either until I suddenly did. The process is even different here now. You HAVE to see a therapist to determine you have ADD or anxiety, then you have to submit proof to a psychiatrist and make an appt and you MIGHT be able to get a be
  14. I can’t decide if I’m being lazy or if I’m still depressed. I took Adderal, Clonazapam and different ssri’s the last decade and was forced to withdraw last year. for the first time in the last 10 years I feel a lack of despair, hopelessness and sadness. It’s consistent too. And I don’t “worry” about things. but that’s what concerns me. I can’t be bothered to work (I’m self employed), do even really basic things or do anything physical for “fun.” I just lay around and sleep all day and watch Hulu. I bought a bike and was so excited sorta about it coming but I can’t br
  15. Thought I'd update this thread because my mom's former employer just had this happen to him, too. He'd been taking Xanax for years, then he got a divorce and moved and nobody would fill his prescription in a new city. They gave him 3 tablets and told him to go to rehab. The family is of money so they were able to choose which one and chose one in another state outside of Texas. This is a thing, ugh. I think this is just gonna be the future. It was long withdrawal I was having - I drank two beers a day while the tremors were at their worst (I know, it's just SO uncomfortable), and was fin
  16. Yeah Iceberg's pretty wonderful that way. Thank you Iceberg, whenever I post here your posts make me feel like I'm truly not alone.
  17. Exactly - she didn't seem to understand (well nobody seemed to understand) that I needed to earn money to pay them for medical care because I couldn't even do my work that I do from HOME because I was in such a terrible state. I've been staying with my mom for almost a year and I've been agoraphobic, I've left the house to go to doctor's appointments and lunch/dinner with my family. And I didn't even do that with my family until about June or July. They seemed to not get.it. at all. I'm 38 and I had to walk into appointments with my mom so she could pay for it with my sister's credit card.
  18. Exactly. Not gonna bring it up, it'll just be cause for terming me and I'm doing fine on the buspar. I think it was post acute withdrawal, thank you for bringing that up to my attention. I honestly feel better than all the years I was on clonazapam so that's good to know. I still wish this withdrawal hadn't been horrific but it is what it is.
  19. No this is a new cocktail and I'd never taken buspar before. At my last visit I told her I felt a tiny bit better so she said all she could do was increase the dose. I'm going to tell her it eased my symptoms and that treating my thyroid more aggresively probably helped too because I have Hashimoto's, and who knows - that could be part of the problem with the anxiety. I don't think phenibut is a magic cure all solution for anxiety, I think the my body had become dependent on the benzos eventually and they stopped working on the anxiety, and then stopping cold turkey caused the long withdra
  20. Yeah they helped a little over the years but they wouldn't touch this when I tried it this year. I hadn't been on an SSRI in a long while and I think CBD oil has played a factor in helping my depression, but I think this was actually still withdrawal. It was post acute withdrawal syndrome but they didn't know what that was. Someone here told me about it and it fits to a T. Thankfully that teeny dose of phenibut stopped it. Now the buspar is working fine and I feel great. I've lost everything though because I wasn't functional this year. Last year around this time a business publicatio
  21. Thank you. Yes I'm seeing a psychiatrist, this is my second one here - they just didn't care to help me with the withdrawal for some reason and neither did the ER 4 times and they acted very put out by my asking. My psychiatrist seemed really really upset personally and seemed angry. Buspar works on anxiety for me but it was useless against the hardcore panic I guess and withdrawal. That's what upsets me, I reached out for help SO many times over the year. I've been medicated for over a decade in another city and they acted like I was just drug seeking for funsies. These are BIG cities too --
  22. Thank you. I went CT in January, then a few months ago someone did take pity on me and gave me a couple of them. But from January to July it didn't get any better really. Or from July until now. It was long. I lost my business and need to reconcile things with clients. A year ago exactly my city named me one of Silicon Prairie's Most Influential and Inspirational entreprenuers. Eventually I can rebuild but I have a lot of apologizing and comping of work to do, I probably have to pay back a lot of money on projects I haven't finished and just pray someone doesn't sue me. It's a fucking mess.
  23. I finally broke down and took a tiny bit of Phenibut the day before yesterday and they stopped. I think it was really bad withdrawal and anxiety. I'm just taking the buspar right now but I haven't had the trembling that I've had since January. This was kinda traumatic for me, I'm freaking out a little bit about taking anything at all I'll grow a dependence on because it could in theory be yanked away at some point. I don't trust any of the doctors down here and I've been seeing pdocs for over a decade. I'm just going to tell her my thyroid is being more aggressively treated and what she ga
  24. I went to one in July and they looked at me like it was impossible for it to be withdrawal. My pdoc there was a dick and I kept telling him how anxious I was and my history with Clonazapam, etc. but I think he thought I was drug seeking too. I was talking quickly because I was panicky but he swore I was just manic. He just kept saying he wasn't going to prescribe a benzo. I paid a lotta money for those 4 days, too. Of course I'm just happy to be better but I didn't work all year and had a high deductibal and so many ER visits, copays, etc. I hit my out of pocket max, which was over $5k. Whi
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