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About InkBlot2771

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  1. Hi there, I've just started using CBD oil. Has anyone had any experience of using this?
  2. It started when I took two days off work. I've talked to the OT to see how they can help me better at work and the OT told me to take the 5 weeks off after I told him about some of the issues that I've been having. This whole thing has been making me angry, and I really don't like being angry. When he saw me I was fairly hypo-manic, I think he's just wanting me to relax a bit before I head back to work. I think that the worst part of work is folk talking over me and not listening at work, and it has been happening for years. When folk don't listen, then couple of months down the road, the code ends up being really shitty. I'm not a senior developer where I work, but I've definitely got some good ideas. The frustrating part here is that I'm being talked over before I've completely said my first sentence. I'm sick of it. I think the only realistic solution here is to get a new job. Trouble there is that I'm off sick right now and need to get back to being stable first. I feel trapped. I feel angry that I'm off work because of shit that was done to me, not shit that I've done. I've thought about telling the arseholes (see above) respective partners what they're up to. I feel that it is justified as there's more that has been done to me that is even more sickening than what I've said, and I feel that I'm just letting folk walk over me if I don't. But more than that, I just don't want to be the sort of person that goes looking for revenge though. The situation is infuriating. Is this the way that it is always going to be; with folk talking over me and not listening? Then ending up in a worse place as a result? I hate the discrimination that goes along with bipolar; and probably any mental illness. Non-sufferers just assume they know better; that we can't be right because we've got an illness to do with our minds. I want to be treated the same as everyone else. I want to feel like an equal.
  3. Hi all, I'm currently having real difficulty at work and with a lot of my other relationships. The issue is that I'm constantly being talked over and really have to fight to be heard at all. I stutter slightly so that doesn't help me, and no-one seems to give a fuck most of the time. At work it is particularly bad because my bosses will start to talk over me before I've finished half a sentence. This is an issue because I work as a software developer and communication is key to getting my job done. The issue is so bad at work that every Sunday before I go to work I get angry thinking about having to deal with any of them. I feel that part of the issue is discrimination, because of my illness (I regret telling folk at work about it). I don't feel that I can move onto another job because I'm becoming unstable because it is leaving me feeling alienated. Other folk in the office seem to be following the example of what the bosses are doing. I've tried to tell the bosses that they're doing this, but I'm being largely ignored. Does anyone have any experience on how to deal with this sort of issue?
  4. I'm not too bothered about this now She ended up sleeping with the boss, spreading gossip about me at work, lying about the gossip (she was the only person in the office that I had told). When I called her out on it, she talked shit about me to the boss over the weekend, who then treated me like shit on the Monday. Then on the Tuesday when I get to work she's all smirking at me. I've basically been doing my best to avoid her now at work as much as possible. What's really annoying for me, is that I went to see an occupational therapist (paid for by work) and they've told me to take 5 weeks off work. So I'm now restless as fuck doing nothing all day! I feel that I'm the one being punished here. I don't feel that I can change my job because I'm too unstable right now, so I need to get stable enough then leave this place and find somewhere else to work. This would be so much easier without the BP
  5. I think you're right about the forgetting her. I've tried to be friends, but it is still messing with my mood. Thanks for the help!
  6. Hi there! Recently a new girl has started work, and I've taken a liking to her. The trouble with this is that I've walled myself off from other people for around 7 years. I've been managing to deal with my illness by not talking to other people, not having friends, not having a partner. I wasn't looking for anything with this new girl, but unfortunately, my body has had other ideas. I've been hit by a wave of emotions for her that I'm just not able to deal with. What makes it worse is that she's been seeing a guy for 14 years and there's no chance that we will ever get together. I think that she was attracted to me when we first started talking; I don't think that she would want to go out with me still, but life isn't black and white. I was flattered that she was like this, but I didn't push the issue, I knew how things were. On the mood scale chart that I keep seeing everywhere, I'm normally between 5-8. Since this has all started. Since her turning me down, I'm now between 2-5 most of the time, I think I've dipped down to 1 twice in the last couple of months. With my mood being all over the place, it is becoming more difficult to talk to her and I think she's pushing me away now; I can see things from her perspective and I can't blame her. Recently, she's been smiling at someone else in the office that isn't me and I'm having difficulty with it. It all feels so stupid, but I've now let someone have too much power over me and it is keeping my mood low. I don't know how to get out of this. I'm worried that if it continues I will need to take time off work and if that happens I might lose my job, my house, etc. I need help! Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can move on more quickly? Has anyone dealt with similar issues?
  7. I live in a reasonably small town, am slightly eccentric and get gossiped about in town too much. The topics include yelling at an old boss for bullying the staff her response to which was to spread shit around town about me and my illness. I had people wiping their arse on their hand then on my food in a sandwich shop, people shouting abuse at me for walking down the street. Now, this all happened a long time ago. However, I still have to deal with the repercussions of my actions at the time. No-one has still never heard my side of the story, or those that did just don't even seem to believe me. It makes me so angry any time I'm treated badly even all this time later. I want it to stop! I don't want to be angry because of someone else's short sightedness. I just want to be able to take it on the chin and move on with my life. I guess my biggest issue with this is all the emotional pain I went through at the time. I've not yelled at anyone for a long time, but I'm overly worried that if I get angry - all be it for a good reason - then the same thing will happen and again, it will last for months/years. I feel ostracised from society here. It isn't everyone that's against me, but the gossip has never left me. I went to a party last October and someone from the town that I live in walked in and shook everyone else's hand. He then went through tto the kitchen and asked my mate "What the hell is that freak doing here?" Or words to that effect. Now, I'd never even laid eyes on this guy in my life before that night. I need to either let go of it or get rid of it another way, but the problems feels overwhelmingly large. I want to go to parties, hang out with friends. But I just can't take the humiliation of having to deal with that gossip, or it tipping my emotional balance whenever the situation is dredged up from the past. This has happened a fwe times in the last few months, but most of the time I keep myself to myself and I HATE that. I miss company. Ideas?
  8. Got I'm such a moany bastard when I'm down! Get out the brill cream and slap a fringe on the side of my head... Had my rant, feel a bit better Goodnight!
  9. I will add... I did apprecate the effort folk online did make. I just wish I was with them, not some alternate persona.
  10. Hi there. My name is Gordon and I feel I need to talk. You all don't know me, this is probably obvious, but I don't have anyone else to talk to. My current situation is that I'm doing a degree in computer science and mathematics. Unfortunately I've been depressed for a few weeks now and the work feels like it is starting to snowball out of control. I'm 32 years old for fucks sake, I've never held down a job in my life for longer than 3 months (I've never been stable enough to deal with the pressures) and I'm starting to think more and more about suicide. Maybe not today, maybe in a few years when my looks start to wear away a little bit more. More wrinkles around my eyes, more months barely talking to anyone - this is happening more and more. I stopped talking to my very old friends. They're all have their careers, families, friends that they go out with. I don't even know how to talk to them anymore. I'd love to hear their stories, but I have nothing to say. My family have got distant from me. I had a theory on how the brain worked, another on how the universe was created a few years back, I still have parts of it left. It was like one big model inside my head and I couldn't split it apart for the life of me. When I tried to explain it to my family no-one wanted to stay even 5 minutes to hear me try to put it in to words. This triggered many more incidents of the same type. I asked my mother if she could comprehend the concept that just because something shouldn't happen that doesn't mean that it can't. My example was a mother that was cruel to her child, either she took it to be me talking about her (which I wasn't, it was a random point). Next thing I know my aunt, who she' had been talking to went out and told all my cousins that I didn't understand emotions. After that it became really difficult to talk even to my family. Why even bother talking to me if you don't think I understand emotions? I had no friends at this point either, that was partly my fault for not putting myself out there more. I was so afraid and being the coward that I am I froze. I froze for so long that I lost more and more of my social skills. I became used to people treating me as an outsider as I was obviously uncomfortable around other people. Everything just seems to snowball and I couldn't keep up with the landslide. I had/have no-body. I have family that treat me with kid gloves. I have dealt with health professionals that are supposed to be helping that seem more intent on listening to a relative of mine that hasn't talked for more than five minutes to me than actually listening to the words that come out my mouth. I was almost homeless at one point. I yelled at a few people that live in my small town and after that no-one locally wants to be near me too. I was just so stressed. I smile at people around me and feel so hollow inside. So empty. Faking it just on the off chance that I'd meet someone that I would like to be around and they would like to be around me. Course, it is so easy to spot a fake. I have 'friends' online. Some of them have hacked in to my computer and followed me around between games I've played. I guess this is flattering in some ways, but they don't feel real. After I worked out folk were hacked in to my computer, they started making comments about what I was doing online. I just had no space to myself anymore. They were following me between games that I was playing and after a while I realised I wasn't meeting any new people so it became even more difficult to talk to new people. Why waste the energy (which is a lot of energy for me) talking to new people when chances are it is just the same folk over and over? Why could they not just be honest with me and look me up and ask me what games I was playing then get together with me that way? I mean, fuck is that too much to ask? To want to be treated like an equal, not an object to observe and follow around and be nice to until I disagree with something you're doing then just kick me to the kerb? Its like being stuck with people that don't actually want to be with _ME_. I'm scared that at being 32 years old and not holding down a job that I'm never going to have one. That no woman would ever want to be around someone that can't pay their own way. That I'll never have kids. That I'll never have someone just to tell me that everything is going to be ok. I've done nothing in the last few years. Nothing except try to deal with this fucking self destructive mind, my nerves so frayed for years now, so alone, so isolated, so afraid. Holding on by such a thin thread for so long - there's only one thing that can come of that. I want to enjoy something again. I don't care what. I had a fiancee last year. A girl online. We only went out for a month, I was happy though for a bit there. Then she flew off to afghan to fight the war and ended up fcuking everything out there. I don't know why she was with me if that's what she wanted. I know I loved her. I was probably to needy, too crazed when she flew out there, too worried that I flipped a bit. Is there a way to find something to love again? Or am I going to be so afraid I freeze on the spot and rot right there? You read this or you don't, I don't even know why I wrote it!
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