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humanoid

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About humanoid

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    hyper thoughts

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  1. finally got my ECT consult for monday...gonna be a long weekend.

  2. False. The person below me enjoys post-rock music.
  3. False. The person below me enjoys something most would consider "for children".
  4. I first got seriously depressed when I was 12 years old and started seeing a pdoc as well as taking ADs at that time, too. I spent the next six or so years all over the place because I was misdiagnosed with MDD and my pdoc at the time would only prescribe antidepressants alone which made me worse. I had my first hospitalization around age 14/15 where it became obvious other things were going on, but it was still ignored. A week before my 18th birthday I ran away from home to live with a much older man I met online and was very obviously severely manic, but still it was ignored by my pdoc after I came home and had an appt with her. I eventually switched to a new one and was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder (at first it was type II, not sure of the reasoning) and was then able to try other medications. I had another mania later that year where I was incredibly hypersexual and engaged in some risky activity, dropped out of college after two weeks, and various other out of character things. I guess at that point I became type I. Over the years things have progressively gotten worse (rapid cycling and psychosis), but I've also become somewhat more aware of myself and my symptoms which helps with attempting to prevent further damage. I didn't spend as much time wrongly diagnosed or undiagnosed as many do, so I'm thankful for that, but those years that the mania and bipolar symptoms were ignored I only got worse. I know it's hard to dx BP in adolescence so I try not to feel anger over it, but it's hard. I wonder where I'd be had I been allowed to try more appropriate medications. Now at age 22, I'm pretty treatment resistant and am getting referred for ECT because nothing is working and I'm running out of time. I don't know if better treatment during those early years would have really made a difference or if I would've gotten worse anyway, but it's hard to stop saying 'what if'. I wish the best for you and your treatment and I hope you find CB to be a valuable resource, too!
  5. I had a diagnosis of pure-O OCD at one point, partly because of the intrusive and ruminating thoughts. I don't know if it still applies since I'm not seeing the same providers and we are working on other issues, but for me personally I think it wasn't completely a bipolar issue.
  6. This happens to me a lot, too. Things that happened a while ago, long left behind, will pop back up in my head and I can't get rid of them. Embarrassing moments, things I wished I'd said/done, regrets, painful memories...so many things. It can be really hard to find distractions from these things because they are so stressful! I feel for you...wish I had better advice, but this is something I can't handle well myself. But I hope you are able to find some relief from it soon.
  7. She mentioned she has BPD in her post, I believe? Foobi I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Have you tried talking to your brother about your concerns and issues with him still living with you after so many years? It sounds like it's wearing on you pretty hard and you need a break. I'm sure it would be hard, but it seems like right now you need to look after yourself and your own mental health & well-being.
  8. i still can't wrap my head around it - 15 years later and i'm still shattered.

  9. Thanks for sharing your story, I'm really sorry you had to go through that and I hope you are getting back to normal and feeling better now! I took Latuda for a while and while it did nothing for me symptom-wise, it made me overheat easily and I was drenched in sweat constantly. Your story sort of sounds like what Geodon did to me in some ways, and that was literal hell!
  10. False. The person below me likes something (food, activity, show etc.) others consider weird.
  11. I feel the worst I have felt in...a long time. But it's weird b/c it doesn't feel so comparable, in the sense that what's happening is not the same. I know I'm depressed, but it just doesn't feel like my "regular" depressions. I've been feeling off since October of last year when I tried a PHP again, but ended up overdosing in the bathroom of the building and being IP for a week. After that I tried a few different medications, tried to fix things, but nothing worked. I've been mostly unmedicated since and I know that doesn't help, but I am so exhausted. So tired of the constant med trials and seeing no change or ending up worse in one way or another. I did use/am using some recreational drugs just to get out of my head sometimes. I ended up with some psychosis, possibly related to drug use but it's not for certain, though I know I probably made things worse. I'm just tired of being on the edge, ready to die at a moment's notice when it becomes too much. My pdoc is great though and understands I can't handle the off and on of medications anymore so I'm getting referred for ECT treatment shortly. I haven't tried literally every medication out there, but I just don't have that kind of time anymore. I get worse every day and something has to give. I guess people are seeing it as drastic or sudden, but I've been mentally ill at least since I was 12. Things are not getting better, and are in fact getting worse. I have to do something about it.
  12. Not usually. 90% of the time I wake up with no memory of having any dreams at all - it's rare that I remember dreams without any kind of aid. When I meditate before bed, or take certain medications etc., I can remember dreams after waking up but they will disappear pretty quick. My dreams are so, so dull...rarely ever a vivid quality to them (unless lucid) so I think that's part of why they just fade away upon waking. What's something you're really interested in or passionate about that most people wouldn't know about?
  13. most recent photo of myself & i like it even though how shitty i feel is very obvious here kind of don't even recognize myself, but it's cool i guess b/c lavender hair!
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