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xyzzy

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About xyzzy

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    alittlevanilla@live.com

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  1. Thank you. I called the psychiatrist. Next available appt is October. Asked to speak to anyone there at all. Told no. Told to ring Crisis Team. Rang Crisis Team. They said they would not help unless I was referred by my family doctor. Rang the practice. They got me an appt 40 mins later. Doctor listened. Rang Crisis Team, talked to them. Gsve me Diazepam 2mg tds for 4 days. Told me to see him again next week. Appt made. Diazepam taken. Can't feel any effect. Crisis person rang. Talked. Someone will be round tomorrow to assess me. Told them and the doc that I know, really know that my suicide plan will start rattling in my head again. I know it will. And unlike last time I'm now on my own, alone. I have no 'protective factors'. I've been honest. I want to not be in this state. I don't like it. I want to be better. I could feel this coming and have tried everything in my power to stop it, avert it, make it less. I feel I'm at the last stop of seeking help, that "What's the point" will stop me later because hey, what IS the point? There's no alcohol in the house. Sober I will stay. Blades I have. Right now I have no idea if I will use them. And if I do? No big deal.
  2. Two weeks time I see a friend. Two weeks time I take part in a bodyart event which I love and will give ma a huge high. And I just don't care. Depression accompanied by grief (a death some months ago). I'm self-harming, not eating, not reading, not gaming, just going through the motions. Looking online at legal highs and debating buying to try and escape the flatness inside my head. Close my eyes and let the world get on with it without me. That's what I want. No friends I can call, one I text. Online efforts to find peop,e to talk to about anything fail. Don't want to die but if there's a point to all this I can't see it now. Can't see the family doc, he'll say to see the psychiatrist. I'll phone her later but chances of seeing her soon enough? Zero. 295 days sober. Breaking that won't help, but it'll make it different for a short time. Not even sure why I've written this. But I have.
  3. The earliest I can see the GP is next Tuesday. The initial effects have now passed - I'd go so far to say that my body saw Viepax as a new drug and it took time to get used to it. It is now tolerable. I still have the desire to just lie down and shut down but that is unpredictable - it's here right now but wasn't here yesterday. It could be the drug, it could be the depression, it could be my bpd, it could be the cyclical thing I get but have no name for. Hard to pin it down but massively frustrating when some days/hours are productive and others just pass by with nothing. The lack of enjoyment is still present. Not quite as profound but all still feels robotic, going through the motions. Still, it's better than it was so that's something.
  4. I was on a dose of 37.5mg/day venlafaxine which was raised to 150mg/day and I was being prescribed generic 37.5mg tablets. After the first couple of weeks there were no side-effects. But over time the dose wasn't working so my GP (I'm in the UK, GP is the regular doc) increased the dose to 225mg/day. Told me to take 2 tablets in the morning and 1 at night (or the other way around) and I was switched to 75mg tablets. These tablets are Viepax 75mg XL. I have been on this dose for just over a month. And now I am stuck with two ever-present effects. 1. I just want to lie down with my eyes closed and let the world pass me by. It feels like somnolence because the desire to lie down is caused by me head and eyes just wanting to shut down. 2. I enjoy nothing. Nothing at all. All the normal things that I would get some satisfaction from I just feel nothing for. I am existing like a robot almost. My question. Have you heard of this being caused by a switch such as I had? Could the brand change have done this? Thanks
  5. That's what I should be asked about back at FDL I assume. The point I was trying to make to the psych wasn't that I refused but that I declined from my knowledge of what they were. I also made the point that I had just been told I was bpd so it wasn't the best time to ask again, that maybe I should have been asked again after a week or two when the news had sunk in and I was able to fully appreciate what was on offered. "No" said the psych today, "You refused". I say there is a difference. Maybe what they have will be suitable - but the psych there has to also agree. All I can do is wait and see.
  6. Saw the psychiatrist this morning. Outcome: I will not be referred to the Community Mental Health Team as they don't touch borderlines. I have no assessments I have no referrals He maintains that I have had excellent support this last year despite me saying I'm borderline and him saying I'm not. He says I refused help from FDL. I said I declined the help from my knowlede of what was being offered. He says I have to go back to FDL as they help borderlines, he doesn't. He questioned if he had a role from now. I asked if I could have any sort of assessment. I said that as far as the notes are concerned I'm a newly diagnosed borderline so surely there should be some assessment - he said No, no need for an assessment, not even risk. I walked out as in the end it was obvious he wasn't listening to a single word I said. I told him to put what he was saying in writing. When he does - and not before - I'll take it further. It looks to me like he's blown the NICE guidelines and that he should have done something - but I need to wait until I get the written summary of the meeting and the letter which will tell me to go back to FDL. One certain outcome: I will never talk to that man again.
  7. tryp - thanks. There's a bookshop in the city which has one in stock so I'm going to head in and give it a skim through. Buddha and the Borderline - I'm going to check that too before buying. As I'm twice her age, male and haven't dated in forever I'd like to check it a bit more Raux - "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."- I felt the same after skipping through some parts. The tone was wrong, unhelpful for me. I've got the app too so I'll see how that can help. Titania - yep, got that one I'm also reading Real Happiness by Sharon Salzberg and I like her voice and timing in her meditations. Thanks everyone
  8. Isn't it weird filling out the exercises though when there is no-one to share them with, to get feedback on? How do you know if what you are writing is wrong?
  9. Velvet Elvis - if I put 'tag=crazyboards05-20' onto the end of an amazon.co.uk link will that work to benefit the site? Humanoid - I'd seen that mentioned but the 'online dating' I wasn't sure of. I'm also leaning away from Buddhism as I find the First Noble Truth (that all life is suffering) I cannot agree with. How big a part do those elements play?
  10. I'm a week away from seeing my regular pdoc after getting the bpd diagnosis. He will tell me what I already know - there is nothing in this county in the way of help. He might refer me to a Community Mental Health Team and I might get a Community Psychiatric Nurse. Note that I use the word 'might' and either way it'll take time. I've registered for the bordertown and dbtclass yahoo groups. I've read tons on there and especially with dbtclass I feel like they are a step ahead, that they've been given some support or knowledge from somewhere, that they have used this practice and it feels like dbtclass is there as ongoing to other stuff they may have. I could be wrong but it doesn't feel like an only source for where I am. I know I could send something in that said all the right words but they'd mean nothing because I'm coming from no decent base. I've wondered about buying the big workbook by Marsha Linehan - the "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" - but that looks like it's for group stuff and for someone to lead. That won't work because it's just me, I'm not about to photocopy pages to fill out to then give to no-one. I was looking at the "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" by McKay but I can't tell how much that is aimed at group or being lead rather than for one person to read on their own. Sitting meditating for a couple of times each day is not a problem. I can do that, I like it, it helps. But I don't know where to find something structured that literally starts at the beginning and takes you through. Websites? I've looked but I don't know what's good and worth sticking with. So - have you actually used a book for your own bpd and did it help? Is there one that you would recommend? Thanks
  11. The psychiatrist I saw at FDL had suggested in the first meeting that there were 2 possibles. Neither were suitable which she said based on what she had told me and I had told her. One was to do with exploring issues in the past and I do not want to go there - it doesn't matter how I got here. I deal with the now, not with trying to recall events that happened over 35 years ago (this attitude is not exclusive to this issue, it's how I am. What is done is done, cannot be changed so get on with what you have now. Lessons? Maybe, biut get the now fixed first). I forget the other but from what she described I declined and she obviously agreed. So yes I have ruled 2 things out but I don't think they would have been suitable in the first place. Online resources - to be honest I've hit a brick wall. I've read much of the 2 yahoo groups and while I'm not going to completely dismiss them I'm not sure either will really help. I cannot relate my environment + my experiences + what resources I have to things that are being posted. I feel like I should have done something first elsewhere, it feels one step remote from me. I don't think the psych will refer me to the CMHT but if he does I don't think anything will come of it - after all, he's part of that CMHT. But at least I can then come back here and state that in this county there really is nothing.
  12. Where should I be looking? I have an appt with the psychiatrist on Sept 3rd. I have to ask him to refer me to the Community Mental Health Team. If I have some other way then I'll take it but I've looked, rang Rethink, checked forums and I find nothing. I'd love to be mistaken.
  13. Titania - thanks. I tried the Hinckley branch of MIND and there is nothing there for me. I now have to wait to see my regular pdoc and hope he makes a referral to the Community Mental Health Team. If he does, great. If he doesn't the formal complaint about the mis-diagnosis will make sure it happens. Otherwise it seems there really is nothing in Leicestershire right now. humanoid - thanks too I'm wondering about the Marsha Linehan Skiils workbook. progress so far: got into http://health.groups...bordertown_dbt/ though have yet to post. This came through the day I requested access and I'm reading old threads. Also got into http://health.groups...group/dbtclass/ This took a few days to get approved and it came through a couple of hours ago. Is more formal than the above and I'm reading this week's homework along with previous threads. They seem to use Marsha's book as a basis so I'm not sure if buying it would be useful if I'll get all the info through anyway. And despite my knowing my symptoms fitted dbt, being sure that I would get the diagnosis, being prepared for this it has still hit me a lot harder than I thought. When I was (wrongly) told I was bipolar I just dealt with that as a "Okay, now what?". But having someone say the words that I had bpd ........... I thought I'd react the same "Okay, now I know, I'll deal" but that hasn't happened. A big Why? came knocking and it hasn't shifted yet. It is dragging up memories from childhood, it is making me ask questions I had kept buried for years. I think I need to deal with this but I don't know how. Well I do - I need to talk but I have no-one to talk to so they'll probably get buried again. Wait and see. But I need to get past this Why / Why did you do that to me? A day or two of telling myself to "Screw that, deal with the now" should do the job I hope. Maybe.
  14. I'm not self-diagnosing. Now I have to justify a diagnosis? I didn't desperately seek out this diagnosis. What happened was that for years my dx never fitted my experience. I have never been manic for example. The current pdoc swore I was bipolar and said "Here, go to these Bipolar forums and get the support you need." So I did and it wasn't there. I read and read and read. I came here to crazyboards, went to psychcentral, mentalhealthnet, mdf, rethink and many others. I read every single forum again and again trying to find this "support" and there was none. The ONLY forums where I am reading posts and understanding them were ones from people with bpd. No other posts made sense, they did. Because they did I read around the subject and it fitted. Everything about the behaviour, thouht patterns and experiences fitted what I have been through in varying circumstances for over 30 years. So the pdoc said "Go find Support" and I came back with "But this is all that fits". I didn't "desparately seek out" this diagnosis. I was being treated for bipolar with tablets and it was not helping. You make it sound like I was pleading "please can I have that one?". Why would I turn to self-harm? Because that's a coping mechanism that has worked in the past. I was self-harming from 1977. Isn't our historical behaviour the best indicator of future behaviour? Do you need photos? Why would I get worse? Why won't you believe me? Is this some sort of test to gauge my reaction and whether I should post here? Aren't I allowed to know what makes me worse at times?
  15. I was refused a CPN last year sometime when I asked becase I was bipolar then according to the pdoc. I said "Where is the evidence I am bipolar" and he opened my notes and flicked through saying "here. it's all here, your history says you have a bipolar disorder". A few months later after he'd read them he withdrew the diagnosis. (The diagnosis was made by some junior just qualified doc and had no assessment. It was "?bipolar" and from there it stuck. Complaint will be made about that one) So it was while I was what I am not that a CPN was requested and denied. I don't need support like that though, it's not really what I'm after. I've suspected I was bpd for at least a year now and in that time I have tried to read up on mindfulness, on meditation, on 'Stop, Think' because my main issue is being Mr Angry and Mr "Fly off the handle for no reason at all". I'm getting better at knowing that I'm losing control but I'm not good at seeing triggers and I have a lot of difficulty with negative repetitive constant thought patterns. I don't know how to stop them because I've been trying for months and I can't do it. I've read blog posts, forums, watched youtubes and nothing has clicked, nothing has felt good enough when tried and I don't know what else to do. I want some practical advice from someone. I work from home, I don't have to leave the house (Tesco! Amazon!) so I don't have to be around people. If I had to be I would present with more issues, probably self-harm, more mood swings and an issue I need to tackle is getting out. It's not that I'm agoraphobic, I just have no reason to go into the city these days. Or even the village. I have made progress by myself and will continue to do what I can. What I am after is an external thing that grounds me, that can look at an exercise (the fact there are so many workbooks implies a teacher/student type role) and say "What does that mean" to help me reflect and get the reflection right, to help me move in the right direction consistently. I can't un-disorder my own thoughts, I have no-one to replay them through with. I need some sort of teaching that is correct. And medication? I've been on a lot when I was bipolar and nothing helped then. I felt better both mentally and physically not being on anything. There might be a role for some meds but at this point in time I know meds are not the answer if for no other reason than I have no idea why I'd take them, on what basis would they be prescribed. So I'm not anti- them and I'm not saying I'll never need them - just that right now I can't see a reason. Thanks for the Mind link. Doesn't look like there is anything in the city but I'll call Hinckley tomorrow and see what they say.
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