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Angeljasmine

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About Angeljasmine

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    Heal your inner child

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    A beautiful flower in a sad and lonely place
  1. So ... you haven't posted in a while .. have u pulled thru or have u thrown yourself off a 5story building .... I hope its not the building thing...

  2. Well, I'm feeling extremely anxious, I'm 24 weeks pregnant, I'm having issues with baby's father (who does not live with me), who is virtually ignoring me at the moment, creating this high state of anxiety in me. I know it's extremely important for me to stay calm, I've had a previous premature baby that was born at 34 weeks after a BIG emotional upset triggered me to go into labour. So I rang our crisis line, to ask for advice. I just cannot relax, my heart is pounding, my tummy is feeling tight (like it's contracting, but it's constant, it doesnt come and go). So now the worry of premature labour is adding hugely to my state of anxiety. I have clonazepam, and they advised me that yes I can take one. Well, I took half of one, and if I am not feeling better in half an hour I can take the other half. Anyone have any experience with anxiety and taking clonazepam during pregnancy? It's only the first time I've taken any medication in pregnancy.
  3. I read all yr posts, and wanted to include mine, some are very similar. In random order, some of the crazy things I've done while depressed: - knock myself out with seroquel just to be able to escape from my horrible life for a while. There was a time I would get take out once a day, usually when still waking up after a 10-12 hr 'sleep' on the 'quel. I'd drive in a fog to buy the food and take it back into bed with me. The rubbish from weeks worth of take outs was scattered around my bedroom. The seroquel had me too drowsy clean it up or do much of anything. - if I was thirsty I'd just lie in bed upstairs and suffer rather than walk down the stairs to get a glass of water. I live alone so a long time would go by. Sometimes I'd only get out of bed in order to go toilet. - drinking wine was at times also a big escape. When I discovered clonazepam after being prescribed it for anxiety, I realised it 'mixed well' with alchohol in that it made you feel 3 times as drunk, 1 glass of wine had the effect of 3 glasses when in combination with one clonazepam. I would do this in the evenings to make me temporarily feel better rather than feeling lonely and unwanted. - call or text ex-bf's while drunk, people I should not have anything to do with anymore - put dirty dishes in a cardboard box in another room, rather than wash them. These were the days before dishwasher were common. I did have a bad hangover that day and had the repairman coming to fix something in the kitchen so had to get rid of the mess.
  4. I am having half a glass of wine, very slowly, I know it's not ideal but this is an emergency. I was oh so close to cutting or doing something else stupid to myself. Im too ashamed to ring the crisis line or alert my doctor or medical services or whatever. I dont want them knowing my business. I've been to pdocs and stuff and only just got off their books last year. Theyve never been any help to me, neither therapy. And last time I spoke to the nurse at my new pdocs (not the office where I had my therapy and meds for several years), she said I dont think you qualify for our help. So stuff it. Over here you need to attempt suicide before you get any professional help, or so it seems.
  5. I dont know where this goes, but if anyone's online please help me. Im feeling really emotionally upset, out of control, I'm also 24 weeks pregnant. I've been quite depressed lately and not coping. Baby's father is not supportive enough and he just said stuff to upset me. I'm in this alone. I need to calm down. I don't know what to do. Is 1/4 clonazepam safe? or a glass of wine? I need to take something and I dont know what. Any suggestions?????
  6. Thanks for your reply. I know therapy would help me or even just counselling (if there is a difference), just some general support mostly as a *preventative* measure. I'm really happy about the baby, just a little scared of the future, as baby's father although he will be a good provider (he's sucessfull) he wont be physically there for me that much, or emotionally, for that matter. I know my history of depression puts me at greater risk for postpartum depression, and I dont want it to get to that stage, ya know? But it seems like you'll only get help if you're a danger to yourself or your baby. Maybe I should try to find out somewhere else I can get some sort of support, outside of 'mental health'. It's just a pity that I have over the years isolated myself so much from people, I have no support network of friends, have barely any family in my country and am not close to them at all, my social phobia (still have it at age 40) prevents me from interacting much with people other than the very few people I've gotten to know, I'm ok with them, but it's not enough, everyone I know works full time and has their own lives. So yeah I still have issues of relating and low self confidence, that therapy could help me with. I wish I could hire a mother's helper after the birth (no idea if there's such a service here in my country), but knowing my social anxiety I might feel better not having a stranger in the house, lol, but if someone could come in and clean at the very least. I dunno, I guess I just lack PEOPLE in my life, things would be so much easier if I had family and friends.
  7. I dont even know where this goes, guess here is good. Firstly where I live the health system is government funded, ie we have to be seen at the particular mental health clinic assigned to the area where we live, and we don't pay for it, it comes out of our taxes. If you can get any help from them in the first place, that is. You can see someone privately but for most people that's far too expensive. With that out of the way.... sorry it's long but a bit of background... I have a history of mental health issues (mainly depression and anxiety, and have BPD symptoms such as 'mild' self harm, fear of abandonment and so on, caused by an emotionally abusive childhood). Seen a pdoc, tried various meds (nothing helped), had therapy for some time, done group therapy, short courses on coping strategies. At a certain point I was told I should stop therapy and try to live life without the support of mental health. I've been told "anyone with your life would be depressed" and me getting into a relationship (albeit with a married man) was classed as "therapy interfering behaviour", and even been told once by my therapist that I don't have depression. (I mean WTF??? when I probed that I think she meant I have either dysthymia and/or reactive depressive disorder, which I understand is that certain life events / problems make me depressed). When I moved to another area I was transferred to another clinic, and was going through an extremely rough patch in my life. Was given anxiety meds which really helped but could not get any therapy as I was "new" and there was a waiting list. Eventually, as I was no longer getting any help and had a good supply of this med, I decided I no longer wanted to be seen, also since I knew I couldn't get time off for any therapy anyway, if I DID happen to get any sometime in the future. Six months later, I'm doing quite well but I now have a bun in the oven. I've been having some issues again with depression, and high levels of anxiety, probably triggered by the pregnancy hormones and past unresolved issues. I'm getting flashbacks every day to unpleasant/difficult events from the past. To top it all off I'll be a single mum AGAIN at age 40 (my other kids have grown up). Two months ago I was referred by my GP to mental health. I never heard back. So I decided to ring them yesterday, only to be told that a) they supposedly 'didn't receive the referral' which is crap cause she knew the referral was done back in May. Then she went on to tell me that b) "You wouldn't qualify to be seen by us anyway.". I mean WHAT THE ****? I have been reading a lot in pregnancy books that depression and anxiety are dangerous during pregnancy, how it can affect the unborn baby, and cause preterm labour. My last pregnancy ended in preterm delivery at 34 weeks, caused by an extreme emotional upset. I think it's negligent of them not to see me, DESPITE BEING REFERRED BY MY GP. I dont know if getting referred again is going to change anything. I think they're holding it against me that back then I quit their services (about 6-9 months ago), as I wasn't getting any useful help from them anyway, other than being monitored on my use of clonazepam. It looks like I'll just have to be alone and deal with things BY MYSELF. I just want access to some therapy, to help burden the load I'm carrying being pregnant alone at age 40. I need to be able to talk about my past traumatic events that are coming up again and again, a lot of them to do with hardships being a single mum previously for most of my adult life. It's pathetic they say I probably don't qualify for their help. I think you have to actually make a suicide attempt before you are classed as 'worthy of being treated' by mental health services. I know I never got any therapy until I OD'D. I don't want to take any drastic measures (such as ringing the crisis team) to be seen. As I know I'd be watched like a hawk for the rest of my pregnancy and beyond. I just want a little support. Thanks for letting me vent.
  8. Thanks for all the replies. I only ended up having a few sips of wine and threw the rest out, had not even a 1/4 of a glass. I think I just need to go back to my pdoc/tdoc, I havent been with mental health services for a while - just dont want them hounding me during my pregnancy and after the baby is born. Therapy would help me I think to some extent (not that it's been much of help in the past but I've still got hope) and if I could feel more secure about the level of support from baby's father. The thing that sparked things off... well maybe that's a whole new topic, but he's being unreliable and not being there for me when he says he will. Then when my texts get ignored on a day we were supposed to see each other in the evening, I start thinking the worst, that he's abandoning me. Hence the panic attack.
  9. I havent been on this forum for AGES. But I think I need some support, KNOW I need some support. So I have a bun in the oven. Shaky 'relationship' with baby's father. I just had a panic attack for the first time since being baking my 'bun' (Im 15 weeks by the way). Years ago when my daughter was born prematurely at 34 weeks, it was caused by an extreme emotional upset, my waters broke and I went into labour. So that's a bit of background and also a bit about my current issue. I'm terrified of getting so upset that I bring about labour. I've tried to remain calm in my pregnancy, knowing how important it is. But how can you control your emotions at all times? Right you can't. So I had to make a hard decision. To calm down I am verrrry slowly sipping a glass of wine as a matter of emergency Right now. I figured it was safer than clonazepam (my internet research says it can cause birth defects). And getting out of control upset can put me into labour, which at 15 weeks.... dont even want to think about that. So my ONLY resort was the wine. It's the least of all evils, but I feel guilty about it because I'm of the thought that pregnancy = zero alcohol. If anyone's online right now .... I hope you will respond as I just need a bit of support right now....
  10. So Ive been diagnosed with dysthymia now following on from major depression. I want to feel better. My happiness depends on being with other people and very sometimes I'll enjoy doing something alone. But overall I'm still stuck in a rut, don't have enough people to be with, and most of the time I'm still alone. A lot of the time I just can't get out of bed as I don't see the point of going somewhere alone just for this miserable mood to continue. Why doesn't this rotten black cloud just disappear?? Why can't the sun shine through more?? Just when I think I felt good for a few hours, the next day I'm back to square one. I hang out online on various forums as I don't have enough people to be with in real life. Why am I never happy for very long. Yes I think I've improved a little over time in that I actually do have a feelings of enjoyment now however short they may last but oh so quickly can I slide back down again and feel hopeless and depressed all over again. This sux. Life STILL sux. I have barely a life.
  11. It turns out that it WAS intentional. I have group therapy dealing primarily with childhood issues as well. She was using a technique called "transference" and now that I understand what she was doing and was not just being mean, I understand the whole process a bit better. I'm going to try to learn more about this. Since we cleared this up in the last session, it's been good again between me and Tdoc. Also, she said I have dysthymia rather than biochemical depression. Something about a lifetime of deprivation is causing these depressive feelings and everything that comes under the spectrum of "depression". So yeah what now. Try to create a more positive life for myself, but how? There are so many triggers of painful childhood emotions that crop up in my everyday life, it's horrible. So much more I could say. Karuna - Thanks for your great reply. What you say makes sense! In the meantime I'm still figuring out how to improve my life and lack of people in my life. I am hopeless at relationships of any sort.
  12. Have had the chance to think about things a bit more. Penny - yes I think she is trying to challenge me and get me to look at life through a different lens. She mentioned towards the end of the last session that I should try to get out of this "poor me" thought pattern (she didn't use those words, but that's what she implied). Ok I had a horrible childhood but she wants me to look at my current and future life in a more positive light. All this is ASIDE from the anger and rejection crap she dealt out to me, by the way, those are separate issues. However I do have a problem with that. I still suffer from major triggers - I'm extremely sensitive to rejection - because my mother brought me up with the constant theme of her rejecting me in favour of the other children. I cannot form healthy relationships with men because I'm so clingy and needy and when I ultimately get rejected, usually very early on after just a couple of dates, I turn into an emotional wreck. Ok so the guy wasn't worth it... but still this triggers the same emotional response that still hangs around from my childhood. THat of being ignored, rejected, not important, worth the least, got fed last always, etc. How can I try to look at life in a different light when I am actively avoiding getting attached to any guy because I fear that another rejection will send me over the edge again? How can a positive attitude suddenly change my underlying behaviour and make me not be clingy and needy with men? Anyway, I don't like how my tdoc makes me feel, in essence she is now making me feel the same as when my mother was mean to me growing up. I need support and encouragement and guidance, learn skills, etc from a tdoc, not have her make me feel like I'm unimportant because she doesn't think I'm depressed and therefore my therapy will end once the group ends, and so on. I don't feel as if I'm suddenly healed. No positive attitude is going to remove my underlying triggers and my emotional response to them. I'm not a robot who can switch off her feelings. THanks for listening if you've read this far (anyone).
  13. Ok so I posted the thread about my tdoc changing tactics trying to get me to express anger. Have had a further session since then. I am starting to wonder if she dislikes me or something. I am certainly starting to dislike her! Now she says that she doesn't think I have depression, as in that there is nothing wrong in my brain. She said something about that it's in my personality, my character. She also said that anyone with my life would be depressed. I guess she means it's situational. But I mean, what the f*ck??!! a) does she mean it's a character flaw, or personality defect that I am feeling low mood / no motivation / crying spells / emotional / (anxious) / no joy in anything / etc. I mean, these are all signs of depression aren't they???? If it is a personality/character defect then does that mean I will be like this forever?!?!?!? b) If my life circumstances are causing me to feel crappy, isn't that a valid form of depression? Especially if she says that the circumstances are enough to make anybody feel depressed.
  14. Dont worry, there are worse things you can do for money. At least you remain anonymouse that way.
  15. Been seeing my tdoc now for about 6 months. The last 2 sessions suddenly she changed towards me. At first I thought she was just having a bad day. She was making all these wrong assumptions, insulting me, my family, my job, assuming things that were total bullshit. THe next session she was having another go at me, accusing me of not listening to her, asking me in an accusatory tone what do I want her to do for me, of forgetting everything we talked about as soon as I leave the session (total bullshit, I think about things at length and discuss them others). Anyway, at first I didn't say anything, I was ready to walk out and never come back, ask to be changed to another therapist. But then I told her what I thought of her assumptions the week before, that they were bullshit and simply not true. Turns out she was trying to get me to feel anger. She says I seem to be stuck, that I'm depressed week in week out and despite 2.5 hrs contact with her each week I am not feeling any better. She said a change of tactic was necessary, now that we've built up a rapport she's able to do that, it seems. But yeah, it kinda sux too. I'm already on the defensive just at the thought of going back again next week. This is supposed to be part of therapy (her provoking anger in me), and that if she's always kind and nice to me then therapy is not going to work. What do you all think?
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