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Everything posted by koa

  1. I was never sure which was more impressive from interacting with JT: his intelligence, or his insight into the human condition. The latter, I think, was especially striking. JT knew suffering acutely, but that lent him a degree of empathy that is rarely encountered. JT was both caring and patient, and seemed to have a gentle way with others, knowing instinctively how to offer encouragement and support while challenging growth. He was stoic in the face of considerable suffering and reacted bravely to the challenges of his life. I am saddened to hear that his gifts will no longer be shared with others, but know that his legacy of being a compassionate and intelligent soul will remain well into the future. There aren’t enough like JT.
  2. This is tricky... I had a similar situation occur when I was on Latuda... my insurance suddenly stopped covering Latuda and my doctor had suggested that I could use samples and take them PRN/as needed, which I've done a few times since then, mainly becuse I'd not had a lot of symptoms in the preceding five years. I've e-mailed my pdoc to let her know whenever i was having more symptoms, scheduled a sooner appointment, and taken prn meds each time.... Having said this I want to emphasize that this was with a doctor's blessing/encouragement... I have yanked myself off meds on my own at a time when I was unstable and definitely regretted it after ending up hospitalized again. As well, some meds have pretty bad side effects if they're not tapered off of. I think it would definitely be a good idea to contact your doctor about what you're doing and take their advice. I would also say that taking PRN meds also requires a lot of insight about the triggers or warning signs of your symptoms and a lot of other coping skills, often... and that some illnesses have a lack of insight as a distinguishing character of the illness itself, which can make taking prn meds pretty hard! I will definitely be quick to start taking my Latuda or Risperdal again if I need to... much preferable than having a psychosis and being back in the hospital! Meditation/mindfulness is a great coping skill and the more of those you put into practice, the less pressure is left for the meds to do all the work... I know also working consistently with a counselor has helped me a lot in the process of recovery.
  3. Somebody recently was vehemently trying to argue to me that a delusion of someone following him was real. He said, "have you ever heard the phrase, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean it isn't real?" My response, though, was that it doesn't mean it is real, either. I guess that's a problem, though... there are "bizarre delusions" which are impossible or very unlikely... and then there are non-bizarre ones which might even be true. One thing I also ask myself is motivation... what would this person's motivation be, for instance, to go to elaborate means just to fuck with me? Like, I'm an asshole sometimes but I haven't gunned down a village of orphans or something, either, nor am I a villain in the Count of Monte Cristo... I haven't done anything to cause someone to want to go to such elaborate means to mess with me. I generally kind of put a lot of my psychotic delusions "in a box" of things that aren't really useful to me. I do occasionally sort through the box... generally I arrive at the idea that the delusion may have been a sort of indication of a fear or anxiety that I have, even if the idea itself is not literally true. For instance one common delusion I can have is that I'm experiencing the apocalypse... but the delusion is indicative of larger anxieties I have about how we treat the environment and how that may impact things in the future, instead of some mystical experience or something like that.
  4. People dream up pretty elaborate systems to defend their delusions. YTS, your argument is a fantastic example of how seductive psychotic delusions seem. I think current understanding of how mental illnesses work may be incomplete, but I'm pretty sure there is not a whole lot of (any) concrete, non-speculative evidence that entities in another dimension are selectively inserting thoughts/ideas/images into psychotic people's minds (also, why? just to fuck with them? those assholes!) Although that might make a good plot for a science fiction movie. Do you think Will Smith or Tom Cruise would be cast in the lead? YTS, I don't know if your intent was to be validating to cheesecake with the idea that these disturbing ideas/voices cheesecake is having aren't his fault or something to feel guilty about... that's true, though. I'm inclined to think it is because they're the manifestation of mental illness, myself, instead of as the result of asshole aliens in another dimension. By the way, that's the focus of this site... peer support from those experiencing mental illness to one another. If you don't identify your thoughts as a mental illness or if you want to write about speculation on ideas related to science/science fiction, etc. then maybe another site would be good for you. Or you might enjoy watching The History Channel at 3 AM. Cheesecake, we have thoughts and that doesn't mean that they're true or that we should act on them... What are you doing to help the voices quiet down?
  5. I went to the grocery tonight. It was deserted. Amazing. Also, yeah, chips and salsa have been on sale which is also a plus. Nachos... mmm.
  6. The idea that depression may be related to dopamine instead of/in addition to serotonin has merits... in fact that is the science behind how the pharmaceutical drug buproprion/wellbutrin works! Perhaps if you're interested in something that targets dopamine you might ask your pdoc about buproprion... a benefit would be that the doses can be regulated and measured. I don't know how it would work with your bipolar/psychosis symptoms... again it is a discussion to have with your doctor. Being that this is your first and only post it is difficult to tell whether or not this is some kind of spam designed to sell the herb you are mentioning...
  7. Nearly all of my delusions have remained gone for the last 4-5 years or so... I rarely have any paranoia other than "is so and so talking badly about me, does so and so not like me?"
  8. That would be rough, being mandated to take meds. I understand how that could feel like some form of mind control. I think that there are a fair few people whose psychoses were positive. However my impression is, anyway, that they are outweighed by the number of people who experience destructive, negative bullying voices/hallucinations/whatever. For some people their experiences were both positive and negative. I have a friend who had a lot of positive experiences with psychosis... angels, pleasant visualizations, etc... However because of his symptoms he went from teaching robitics at a university to being homeless on the streets of Detroit, divorced, estranged from his son. Generally it seems that psychosis, untreated, can often get to a point where it paralyzes us from being able to function enough for basic self care. I agree that there is perhaps a spiritual component to psychosis. It is a change in one's state of consciousness and consciousness is intrinsically linked to spirituality. There are things about it that seem difficult to explain away. But that does not change the way it can derail a person's life if it is untreated. For better or worse we are for the moment tethered to physical bodies in time and space, which requires us to be able to take care of ourselves physically, mentally, and financially (as well as spiritually.) All I can talk from is my personal experience, which was that my psychosis was a very negative, traumatizing experience, my meds helped me recover to a point where I could get my life back on track, and now I've tapered off of some of them (with the guidance of a pdoc) that had more side effects but am still at a stable place. I saw recently that it has been proven that for schizophrenia a lower dose of meds combined with talk therapy is more effective than just a higher dose of antipsychotics.
  9. So it sounds like you're pretty afraid that people, even complete strangers, have negative intentions towards you. Why is it that you think people would target you specifically just driving by you? What do you think may have triggered this fear for you?
  10. This is a picture of my other dog, Spike, watching TV and being quite frustrated that he can never seem to break through the screen and get all of those giant cats taunting him. Sadie also was pretty excited about the fact that cats were on TV for like 30 minutes. I had to restrain her because she would try to jump up on the dresser to get at the cats.
  11. I am on an income based repayment but I think because of filing taxes jointly with my wife and the fact that part of last year she had a higher paying job the repayment ended up being the amount of my interest. I think I'm okay with paying the interest because that at least means it isn't growing. Hmm.
  12. I have some friends who are going the route of teaching at a Title I school for forgiveness. I know Wooster has done some sort of forgiveness program successfully involving health care in remote areas or something... There's the peace core, teach for america, americore, etc? I don't know. I feel like there may be other routes I haven't thought of. I don't want to go the army route for sure. Working for a non-profit for 10 years seems like not a bad route, it's just that I'd like to be working at a different non-profit earning more than what I am currently.
  13. For people living in the US, do you guys have any info for me on ideas for student loan forgiveness? I am at a non-profit working right now and making peanuts, but if I stay on another 9 years I could get my 50,000 in debt forgiven. But I'm not sure it's worth it. Are there other option for me? What have your experiences with this been like?
  14. Are you considering leaving your home town? I think sometimes a geographical cure is the best solution. I am glad you're not really homicidal, and you're doing better. I'd be careful about not making light of that kind of violence, though, Being actively homicidal can be a symptom of mental illness so it is tricky to not react to that language for me. But I understand it is just talk.. I really get the sentiment of misanthropy... sometimes I just hate all people and feel pessimism about the human race. But, it can get better, especially if you continue making good decisions and have some tenacity. 11 months is a while but I hope that's light at the end of the tunnel.
  15. Thanks. Yeah, I probably shouldn't lie. I think the aspects of being involved at a church that appeal to me don't really include a Sunday service, but the other sorts of groups that are more community minded that churches sometimes have. Our neighborhood has a home owner's association meeting, so maybe that's something I could attend. I'm not sure what affiliation I'd most align with. I'd say I'm agnostic to atheistic on many things, yet I'm still interested in spirituality and I am interested in some aspects of Buddhism, though as a westerner I'd be concerned about cultural appropriation. I will look into other meetup groups I might join. Lying is definitely the easy way out and I should grow some backbone and figure out a good answer without sounding harsh but not lying.
  16. I think with posts like that there will always likely be others who chirp in with the spiritual comments. It is nice to have a diversity of comments instead of a bunch of people saying "praying for you he is in a better place."
  17. I'm finding lately that where I live people often invite me to their churches, and ask me what church I'm attending. I always struggle with how to answer because frankly where I live I think if I answered that I'm not interested in attending a church, it could turn some people off where I work and affect me negatively. On the other hand, I've actually considered attending a church, just for the community support and networking, etc. I don't really want to attend some vague Unitarian church or anything... I was considering attending an episcopal church down the street from me. But, I really have no interest in becoming a Christian. I can appreciate some aspects of Christianity but in terms of believing the Bible on a literal level and being "saved," forget about it. I am guessing it would sort of be a waste of my time to go to a church if I've decided beforehand that I reject most of its dogma. But I might like meeting some of the people and having their support. I guess churches have people who interpret things differently and individuals with diverse beliefs. Would that include people who are agnostic but interested in religion in a general sense? So, I've also been considering the possible impacts of my lying to people when they ask what church I attend and saying I already attend a church, just to shut the door on that conversation and prevent the inevitable invitation to a church that may be more conservative. Like, one woman asked if I attended a church and I said something like "I really try to stay away from religion now because of having religious delusions in the past." But then she invited me to a snake handling church where people speak in tongues. And I wasn't sure how to reject it other than to just say "thank you for the invitation. I'll consider it." So, yeah. I don't know. Anyone have advice on how to handle that kind of situation?
  18. I'm not sure if this is the same as disorganized speech but I can at times be so paranoid that I fear saying the wrong thing will have very bad repercussions. Which tends to make me paralyzed and unable to communicate much. Is disorganized speech the same as "word salad?"
  19. I sort of wonder if where people live in environments that have fewer stressors or things that may be perceived as threatening, there may not be as many things to trigger paranoia... for instance, if I'm psychotic I get paranoid while watching TV that it is sending me messages in a coded way, usually about my inevitable demise or fear that people are going to harm me. If there is less of that type of technology I wonder if it is less overstimulating. I think some of the themes of psychosis, while not literally true always, reflect general anxieties we may have towards society at large, such as Confused's example of a theme related to surveillance... well, she may not have a reality tv show she doesn't know about, but we are often caught on camera just about any time we leave the house, so in a way it seems like an exaggeration of things that exist or could conceivably exist in the future. It would be interesting to study the link between what kinds of technology a person lives around and the types of voices they hear...
  20. I get tired of the "coexist" bumper stickers because I'm misanthropic I think. Although I like this version: I always laugh when I see Faux news people with the "I don't believe the liberal media" bumper sticker. The most terrible I've seen is "racial purity is america's security."
  21. Sadie. I like that the little white spot on her chest is sort of like a heart. We get pink harnesses and collars for her because we hope that will make the fact that she's a pit bull mix less scary for some people...
  22. Yes, people do lie sometimes to get out of things. Perhaps in this case the driving instructor didn't lie but exaggerated. Have you never done anything like that? I know I did, just today. I woke up with a stuffy nose which was probably just allergies and I said that I needed an office day today at work because I might be getting a cold and didn't want to spread it. Well, I suppose that was possible, but my primary motive for wanting an office day was that I needed to catch up on office work more than I needed to catch up on other work. I guess, even if he lied it may not have been some personal conspiracy against you... it may have been that he had a family matter or something in his personal life or work life he had to attend to. It can be hurtful if people lie, especially if we have fragile self esteem. Otherwise one may not be liable to take it so personally. As others have suggested therapy may be helpful for the self esteem issues. You may be able to do some work on it on your own, also.
  23. Regarding the artwork, it is considered polite to put something like a trigger warning to content that may likely be upsetting or triggering to many. This may be done with either a hidden cut, link to a page offsite, or our emoticon dead Fred TW . There are people here who may have experienced trauma or graphic violence (or witnessed it on the news recently) and seeing such a depiction could be pretty offputting or disruptive to their mental health. Also, the tone of this site is intended to be recovery oriented. You're welcome to speak freely and openly about such things a homicidal ideation as a symptom but posts that celebrate violence and are not focused on recovery may not be tolerated. I came across an artist, Noelle Mason, whose work discusses the phenomenon of terrorism. Her work creates an interesting dialogue. She did some needlepoint images based on video surveillance of columbine, which is sort of interesting with its relation to masculinity, pixelation, the media and availability of mass media, etc. Welcome to CB.
  24. Thanks for responding, Matt. I feel like a dission of Anhedonia and its relation to your phobias may be a more productive use of this site. What are some of the phobias that you have? When did they start? What do you think may be the source of your phobias? It sounds like they must be pretty overwhelming to have possibly created such an extreme defense mechanism. I hate that you're experiencing all of that now. Maybe no way of thinking will get you out of your phobias and anhedonia. I wonder if that means you should try a different approach. I am also curious if you have attempted to focus on treating the phobias instead of the anhedonia as your main concern.
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