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freesoul

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About freesoul

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    female
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    Western Canada
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    Not much at the moment, tbh.

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  1. Oranges, but I don't like peeling them. Oh unless there is caramel, or peanut butter- then definitely apples. I feel like I should add "oh, a puppy!"...lol. Anyways. Is there anything you don't eat and why?
  2. so...delusions actually qualifies as psychosis? you don't have to have any auditory or visual hallucinations? oh shit. well that explains why my doctors says I'm BP1. Doesn't matter if I know they are not real, real, I guess...from what I read here, a lot of you are actually aware your hallucination are hallucinations.
  3. You know, there was a time when people who were wanting to live life on their own terms were called non-derogatory terms like "eccentric" or "shy" or at worst, maybe they said "he's a bit odd". No one insisted they change to suit their world or put a dozen medical labels on them, and as long as they didn't hurt themselves or anyone else, no one cared if they were single all their lives, how much they left the house, or any other silly unimportant things like that. Don't be afraid to be different- it's not a bad thing, not a sin or a crime. It's not on you to make anyone else comfortable with who you are, screw them. You do you. Accepting yourself is a strength not everyone has, especially with everything you have been through. Amazing! Much respect, young man.
  4. ok- relative to your FIRST question- this is anecdotal info, from a personal and extreme reaction. I have an extreme serotonin response. It's so extreme that antidepressants (except Wellbutrin) will cause serotonin syndrome, the very mild antidepressant effect from lamotrigine will cause hypomania, and I'm likely to shake from small quantities of stimulants. And Clonazepam, which I was given for anxiety, made me suicidal within a week or so. My psychiatrist's explanation at the time was that it was lowering my serotonin levels too much. He later used them as treatment for very early treatment of, and told me to hold on to them at all times in case of accidental use of any serotogenic agents. I have a list of those including some cough syrups and even some antibiotics, and I have been taugth to recognize the early symptoms because the serotonin syndrome from the Paxil nearly kill me and they had to put me in a coma to stop the seizures. So, I am guessing that it lowers serotonin...and it's a pretty good educated/evidence supported guess. It's unlikely to work so quickly and effectively unless you're like me, but still. I'm pretty positive it does. However, somehow I can take Ativan without much issue. I'm not sure why. All this crap is part of why I sometimes I find it hard to believe I have BP, and choose to believe I have a rather wacky brain with a broken serotonin gauge...or something
  5. So I've been on Topomax 100 mg and 1200 mg omega 3 for 8 years after trying about half a dozen other meds. Seemed to work fine. A little bit of depression here an there, but nothing bad. My diagnosis was BP2 initially, then BP1- I don't think I have eve been psychotic, but it is clear I have been delusional in the past. I had a really bad depressive episode a year ago and no longer had a psychiatrist following me (they are in short supply where I live) so my family doctor increased my Topomax to 125, then 150, and when that didn't work, added Wellbutrin, which I'd taken before and it worked for a while, then it didn't after 3 months or so, so I stopped. I got divorced (not related, i'd been planning on it for years). I also have a high stress job which I was doing crazy unsteady hours at. I continued to be depressed...got worse, lapsed into being anxious/delusional these last few months, insterspaced with periods of optimistic/delusional. I also have other health issues that are not that bad (severe anemia, and I need a hysterectomy soon but its not cancer). Currently off work waiting for that surgery, and under stress financially because my unemployment insurance is not being approved yet... I have been referred to a psychiatrist and i'm not sure what to say. I know i'm not right and I know i'm sort of cycling but can't pinpoint how often or what state i'm in at any given time. My sleep can be anywhere from 4-7 hrs. My kind-of delusions (they involve fictional characters or financial schemes typically) are real enough to affect my emotions and cause me lots of distress but on some level i'm aware they are delusions, so i'm not spending tons of money or stalking anyone. I spend hours crying some days, or rocking/pacing in fits of anxiety- it's really painful. And yet this was all going on until I stopped working and although I didn't think my work was optimal and maybe I said a few things I shouldn't and forgot details and names and things at work, my last performance review was excellent...also, the moods don't follow a pattern of x days/weeks/months depressed and x elevated as far as I can tell...and I can pretend to be ok if I want to. As long as I have a few minutes to put a face on, if you know what I mean. No one knows. A couple people know I'm feeling stressed out and not totally ok, but that's it. The other thing that i'm confused about, is because there is lots of trauma in my past, and I've had a few triggering events happen in the last few months, and I'm worried that it could all be connected to the triggers rather than the BP? how do you tell? Please talk to me...I'm worried about what to say at the appointment. How to explain the symptoms, what is happening etc. How to describe things. I need help figuring things out. I am very confused at this point, and discouraged. My appointment date is April 9. There was nothing sooner. I could used some support?
  6. An open bag of popcorn that I found on the ground waaay back when I was living on the streets as a teen. I was so high and so hungry that it didn't matter. What's your favorite TV show of all time?
  7. tired- I only slept 4 hours and I don't know why, I cant be hypo because then I woulnt be tired? I was super anxious last night...and I still am, in fact I am clenching my jaw as I type but at least I am not rocking or pacing
  8. Sorry, yes, that is an addiction and yes, it did change your brain permanently in the sense that you will always be tempted to return to the substance that made you feel so good, or to similar ones. It is great that you were able to stop before more damage occurred to your life but, in the end, the cravings you experienced, your attempts to do your best to score when it became unavailable, the ongoing preoccupation with the substance, the fact you're using to cope with your feelings not for physical pain/to have fun...I don't think I need to go on, right? The only difference between your situation and most addict's is length of time you used.
  9. My psy used to tell me "the past does not predict the future"...old fucker ended up being right. I had a great stretch, worked full time for years and finished raising the kids. Ok it wasn't forever, but if I ever get another one, i'll take it. You never know- you might get long term relief from the beast, some people do, and that is awesome. So don't give up hope for that. Otherwise...well, he also used to tell me- you can always kill yourself tomorrow. Weird thing for a doctor to say but it worked. Kept me fighting another day. The point is, if you were to give up, you wouldn't know if you might have won the battle eventually...but if you keep going, you lose nothing, because you can always give up later if you still want to, right? So- always keep fighting! xo
  10. I was reading through this thread and found some interesting things...I never really talk to anyone about my...well, I don't know what to call them. Because are they really delusions if I don't really really really believe them? They are like running stories or scripts in my mind and they are super complex and I'm part of them. They can involve mythological stories (from roman or greek mythology) or storylines/combinations of storylines from fave TV series or books...similar to a twisted AU fan fic, I guess, except i'm in them...and they are kinda real to me, in the sense that I will ask for help from these gods that I have a personal history with, or cry (extensively!) for these people that I miss but can never see again because of fate or some danger that means we need to be apart (obviously I do know ive never met them...in the sense that I will not go stalk them, I know they don't know me)...but the FEELINGS are so real, I would probably not cry like that for anything except if my own children died. I imagine things that I "feel" happening to them and it affects my moods, and I start crying in my car n the way to work. Heck, there are songs that mean stuff to me because of my "past life" with them and...well, you get the picture. I have "memories" (full on images) of things we've done. It's awful, because it makes me feel crazy. It is beautiful because sometimes it makes me feel special and less alone. It hurts because well...ok it just does because i'm nuts? But- bottom line- I know it's not real-real. I do wish it would go away because it causes me a LOT of emotional distress. Sometimes I have to cry myself to sleep because of this...ugly cry. This is how I know that I am cray-cray...I am deeply embarrassed by this (and may or may not delete this post after). It is more likely to happen in depressed state, too, or anxious depressed states. WTF is this, in your opinion? is it delusions?
  11. If you're lucky enough to have a long term remission period where you are almost symptom free and on minimal meds...don't take it for granted, and don't let it fool you into questioning your diagnosis. And please, please don't make the mistakes that I did- don't start assuming you can take risks and act "normal": don't mess with your sleep patterns, don't drink and smoke dope indiscriminately, don't take on that high stress, full time shift work job...because if you do, chances are you will realize, like I did, that taking those risks was a mistake and yes, you really are bipolar- no shit... Take your meds- and take care of yourself. They are both equally important.
  12. I will bring it up- I am not sure what a good dosage would be, either. I've taken Lamictal in the past too- only other one that worked without major side effects, I have issues with lots of meds...took me ages to find the Topo (2 1/2 yrs, but it seemed ages!). Thank you both.
  13. I have taken Topomax for over a decade and kept me pretty stable...well, no more. The doc did try upping the dose (from 100 to 150 mg a day) or adding Wellbutrin, the Wellbutrin worked for maybe a few weeks, then back to nothing or maybe worse, because since I stopped it, I have been noticeably cycling and the depression and anxiety can get pretty bad...I mean, I can still control it somewhat but it is bad. Cry-in-my-car for no reason in traffic, spend hours in agony some days, clearly imagine things, panic attack at work bad. No effect from the extra 50 mg of topomax- but i'm getting side effects like memory lapses and numbness that I didn't have before, though, so not sure its worth it So- why do meds that were working before suddenly stop working? is this common? did it happen to you and what did you do? Thank you...
  14. I haven't been here for years maybe more than a decade, I should check. I was, I guess, properly medicated...I went to college, had a 10 yr relationship, finished raising the kids, had a job I fucking love. I actually doubted I was ever BP in the first place sometimes, but, I kept taking the pills...ya know, cuz deep down I knew. There were still tmes, sure, but I put them down to stress, divorce, lack of sleep (I worked nights for a while, finally figured out that was a terrible idea, told them it was giving me migraines to avoid the stigma…I went back to days). Anyways, less and less and less stable over the last 2 years. I have taken antidepressants (nope, that was a no goodie...) and upped the dose of the Topiramate I'm on as far as my underqualified GP will go. Still no relief...yea I finally figured out that yes, I do have this- and yup, it is FOREVER. I am going to be suffering like this, on and off, but regularly...forever. Shit. Kill me now, will ya? DNR please. I still have to ask for a psy referral. I'm just afraid for my job, my family and friends, the judgement when I tell them all that I will go back to disability and/or working part time...the part where I have to either lie, or attempt to explain why. This used to be my #1 place for non-judgy support back in the day...hi people. Just wanted to rant. Haven't told anyone. Yet.
  15. I couldn't find any support groups. And all the news I have are bad news: my custody order cannot be enforced outside the province unless I register it with another province, the officer investigating my case is on vacation for two weeks and is quite satisfied to just tell me "they're on the system, and it's unlikely they are in danger" without doing anything else, the local missing children organization are too busy to even return my phone call from last week, the social services people obviously think I am annoying (yeah, well, maybe I remind them too much of their ineptitude)...besides all this BS, no hints, no leads, no word. I am sick of life's way to harp on people with all the best of intentions. I spent the last five years of my life working to improve myself, and all I've got was more pain. Bad deal.
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