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azul

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About azul

  • Rank
    octobutt

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    the sonoran desert
  • Interests
    Happiness, drawing, food (regrettably), video games, music, mental health, bettering myself

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3,232 profile views
  1. Because I won't wake up until I'm old and grey. Last night was the last straw. I haven't posted here in a long time, I know that, but this is getting pretty ridiculous. I've always had sleep issues, right? I even did a sleep study in which they said I had very mild sleep apnea and I attempted to get treated for it but was severely allergic to the drugs I was given. Some nights I sleep 8-10 hours which is normal for me, I think, other nights I get less than that, and others I get way more. Last night I got the most sleep I'd ever gotten without having some weird precursor for the night before. Even when I'd stay up for two days before hand I'd only get about twelve hours of sleep. Last night I got about fourteen, and I woke up feeling disoriented and confused, like I didn't know where I was, or what time it was, or what was even going on. I can fall asleep anywhere in my house or anywhere in a comfortable environment, like when I went to school, I'd fall asleep on my desks a lot without even really meaning to. But this is ridiculous, and I don't know what to do. My sleep doctor said he'd prescribe me some adderall before he left for Utah or something and now I can't find him anywhere. My gdoc and my pdoc both told me that my arsenal of meds have something to do with my excessive sleepiness, but nothing's being done about it and I don't know what to do or what I even have, and if anyone can relate to anything that I'm saying, that would be really awesome. No amount of sleep is enough, and even right now, I'm still tired from sleeping so long. This is really freaking me out. I'm starting school again in the fall and I don't want to miss my classes because I can't be woken up by the five alarms I'll undoubtedly purchase to help me get up. I went to sleep at about three or so last night, I think, and woke up at about 4:45 PM. Fourteen hours. Fourteen hours, man. Can anyone relate to this? Talk to me, tell me about it, offer some friendly advice. Thank you.
  2. azul

    Oh, moms.

    I have a problem. That problem is with my mother. It started when my dad died when I was 12. We clung to one another desperately, and have for a long, long time. It's been almost 10 years since that happened, and not much has changed. I was told our relationship mirrors the Seligman learned helplessness experiments. She gives me bait, I take it, and I get verbally torn asunder for it. I'm still a dependent, and I need to ask for things in order to live my life comfortably. I ask for something new, say, a bra, and I'm told we don't have enough money. Then, I'm given it, and yelled at for asking for it. I'm enabled to continue to smoke as long as I live with a smoker, and I'm constantly told she can't afford me, but I'm still given the implements in which to feed this habit. I needed new glasses last year, and I chose pair of frames I liked, only to hear her berate me on the phone to my aunt a week or so later, telling her how I 'looked like a huge dyke' and how she 'hated them' and wouldn't have let me got them if she were paying for them out of pocket. She's done my chores for me my whole life and only recently started to try to force me to do them, which leads to me wallowing in messes and thinking they'll never get cleaned up. She berates me for it, calls me lazy, calls me a slob, and picks them up for me without giving me a chance or encouragement. I push when I want something, because it feels like I'm denied a lot, and when I push I feel like I've regained some kind of control over my life, but whenever I push I'm told I 'ruin everything' (her words, not mine) and I'm given what I wanted/needed, but I'm left ripped apart. Yet, I'm fiercely protective of her. When she's kind to me, I see it as the best thing in the world. I do things with her when I want to do them, and sometimes because I feel like I have no other choice so I take advantage of her good moods. A lot of the time, I wake up in my room to hear her ranting about me to my aunt, and I have to try not to listen, because whenever I hear it, I feel sick. I have this sick fear of being talked about behind my back, especially in my own house. My idea is to establish more boundaries with her somehow. I'm just not sure how to go about that yet. I can't move out right now, as much as I'd like to. This relationship is unhealthy on both ends. I tried to get her to see someone for her own mental illness for a long time, but kept getting deflected. I just. Ugh.
  3. I also forgot to mention that the thoughts made me nearly want to leave my almost gf. Does anything like that ever skew YOUR perception of things?
  4. That is exactly what I'm talking about! It's also the weird irrational thoughts, like "oh god the minute my mom steps out of the house she'll be hit by a bus" "gf is going to get run over by a train" and it's ridiculous and I thought I was nuts, but also normal at the same time, because it always happens to me. Always. Oh god, I'm glad I'm not the only one.
  5. I post this here because I think it might be something some of us can relate to. Even when I'm happy, thoughts will just randomly come up and bite me in the ass. I could be doing something completely innocuous like brushing my teeth and then my mind will go, 'hey, remember that time you farted in front of class?' or 'hey, remember that <insert mildly triggering event here>?' and I'll feel terrible, but it'll just go away after I ignore it, and won't come back. It's been doing that lately, and it turned a simple thought into a huge to-do. I thought about nearly everything horrible that my sort of girlfriend and I had ever done to one another, and that made me a ball of unhappiness, because I let it take over me, and ruminated about it. Does anything like that ever happen to you?
  6. I would also like to add that by not remembering what my therapist says, or anything else really, it's affecting my recovery.
  7. Okay, to cut to the chase, I have a severe long term short term memory problem. I can remember what color shirt you were wearing on your birthday, but I can't remember what I said to my therapist the other day. I can't remember some of the hurtful things that I've said during bpd episodes, and I can't remember... much of anything direly important. Does anyone else have memory problems associated with/and also have bpd as well? Do you have any ideas how to perhaps fix this problem or ease it a bit? Thank you very much.
  8. azul, the biggest piece of shit in the world.

    1. humanoid

      humanoid

      I don't believe that's true either.

  9. i've just discovered that i have my first cavity. 21 years and i've never had a cavity, and now i have one. O _O

  10. "i'm well aware i'm a danger to myself, are you aware i'm a danger to others?" Oops. This song is me. That might be unfortunate.

  11. I haven't had a colonoscopy done! It... might be worth it though. Hmmm. I would like to get help for this.
  12. It seems to me that it used to be whatever I put into my mouth, it came right back out again the other end within minutes and with much more pain, and that would always make me really tired. I'm glad that Bentyl helped, maybe I should look into that. Thank you guys for your stories/help so far!!
  13. All of these posts are just tons more validating. And yeah, I am ... sad, that's the only way I an think of to describe it. A mild depression concerning my IBS having some level up party, and the fact that I had an ultrasound and saw just how janky my insides are. It's crazy. After the flareups I tend to just crash and burn. Not-fred and kitty, yes I am! I am prepared. I have many vitamin water and juice and plain old water to drink, I just need to stay awake so I can drink them and replace the fluids lost.
  14. Yes, THIS! This is what I've been getting lately because I'm currently at the point where I need to experiment with food to see what's a trigger food and what's not. I've been getting that a lot lately, no wonder why I'm so drained.
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