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About Catnapper

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    Living in the South under Baptist Sharia law

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    North Carolina, U.S.A.
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  1. Thank you both very much for your reassuring replies. All the hospital systems here are connected by electronic medical records, but hopefully I won't get refused further treatment. I know that they can't refuse emergency treatments, but I'm older so it seems like I end up having lots of scheduled outpatient procedures.
  2. I'm older so my parents are long gone, but I'm completely estranged from two of my brothers due to events surrounding my mother's illness and death. I think the most validating statement I've ever heard about it was from a pdoc who said, "Sometimes you find out things about people and you just move on." That sums it up for me - I'm not mad, and never was. I just couldn't believe how uncaring they showed themselves to be, and I cut off contact. I rarely even think of them at this point. (This all occurred in 1996 - 1997.) Early on, I thought about what would happen when we all eventually die. I'm 61 and my brothers are around 70, so it's realistically not that far off. I decided then that I didn't want to be part of any deathbed reconciliation Hallmark movie scene, so I'm at peace with my decision and have been for many years. I hope you can find peace with whatever you eventually decide.
  3. Wow, two months is a long damn time! Glad the visit went okay, though. It might be worth a call to your pdoc to let him know how long it will be before you can start so he can either recommend someone else, or call the tdoc you just saw and see if he can get you bumped up on the schedule. He's probably not aware how long her wait list is.
  4. Here"s the short version: I had an outpatient procedure with sedation (Propofol like they use for colonoscopies), recovered fine, my ride didn't show and I live alone so was going to take an Uber home. The hospital's new requirement is for your driver to sign that they'll stay with you for the next 24 hours. The evil nurse got in a snit, said I couldn't use Uber, went to talk to someone, came back and said my only other option was to stay overnight. So I said I was leaving and she gave me a big lecture on how insurance wouldn't pay if I left against medical advice. I could feel my mood slipping so I got up and walked out. To be less conspicuous, I went to the next building over (huge hospital) to wait for my Uber. Some minutes later the evil nurse showed up with waiver for me to sign, I refused, which really pissed her off, and shortly thereafter I got in the Uber and left. Has anyone here left against medical advice, and if you did, what were the consequences? My research when I got home showed that my insurance will more than likely pay. My only real concern is that the hospital has black-listed me and I won't be able to have any other outpatient procedures done there. Long version: I've been dealing with kidney stones lately, and yesterday I went to the hospital for a previously scheduled outpatient lithotripsy treatment to break up a large stone so the smaller pieces can pass naturally. They give propofol as the anesthetic, and it's very fast acting, and you come out of it very quickly, like 5 or 10 minutes after it's stopped. Due to other medical issues and also recent ECT, I have a lot of experience with propofol, and from back in the day, I have a lot of experience with getting high and can tell how messed up I am, or not. The hospital wants you to have someone come with you, stay the whole time, drive you home, and then stay with you for the next 24 hours. I live alone, have been in a depressive episode for most of the time since I moved here for work, so have made a few acquaintences, but no real friends that I would be comfortable asking to take off work to spend hours at the hospital waiting for me. My close friends are all in different states, and I don't have any family left, so I'm basically on my own. I have previously used a car service that will bring me and stick around, but it costs hundreds of dollars, so this time I took an Uber to the hospital, and planned to take an Uber home, which has been fine in the past, but the hospital has implemented a new policy. They used to put you in a wheelchair, get you to the curb, and you could get in whatever ride you had, like an Uber. Now the nurse goes out and makes the driver sign some paper saying they're going to spend the next 24 hours with you, and they won't discharge you to an Uber driver. I lied and said my friend had to leave because she had a family emergency and wouldn't arrive for several hours, so I had no other option besides an Uber. This bitch of a nurse said she couldn't allow that, and she went to talk to someone else, and came back and said the only other option for me was to stay overnight. By that time it had been over two hours since the propofol had worn off, so I was completely sober. But I've only been feeling better mood-wise for a couple of weeks and I still feel really fragile, and know that any undue stress could easily push me back into the abyss, or a terrifying mixed episode, and there was no way in hell I was going to spend the night in the hospital. I was very upset by this time, although externally I managed to keep my composure, but I could feel things slipping in my mind and had to get out of there. I told the nurse that I was leaving nonetheless, and she gave me a lecture on anesthesia, and said that if I left against medical advice, my insurance wouldn't pay for the procedure, and was just in general very adamant that I shouldn't leave, mean-spirited, and extremely focused on being punitive to me. She went off to talk to someone else, so I got up and walked out. It's a huge hospital, so I exited and walked down to the next building to be less conspicuous and called Uber. A few minutes later, the nurse comes stomping up to me and says yet again I'm leaving against medical advice. I said I was leaving anyway. so she said I had to sign a form confirming that I was, and called someone to bring out this form. I looked it over, and refused to sign it, which obviously pissed her off a great deal. I just shrugged my shoulders and looked away. I remained civil, although obviously displeased, and after a few more minutes the Uber showed up and I went to have dinner. (I hadn't eaten in 24 hours by that point, another reason I was upset.) At dinner I did a little googling and found that it's an urban myth that insurance won't pay if you leave against medical advice, but one that many medical providers believe is true, and whether they believe the myth or not, they still use it in an effort to get you to stay. If I felt that it was medically necessary to be kept under observation, I would agree with the policy, but this one has obviously been written by lawyers to protect the hospital. It pisses me off that because I'm on my own any medical treatment I receive is going to cost me hundreds of dollars extra because I don't have someone to drive me for free and spend the night. Has anyone here left against medical advice, and if you did, what were the consequences? My only real concern is that the hospital has black-listed me and I won't be able to have any other outpatient procedures done there.
  5. I have a terrible time recognizing hypomania in myself. My depressive episodes are years long so when I finally start feeling better, it's so amazing that I don't want to hear that it might be too much of a good thing. I'm finally coming out of yet another long depressive episode, so I'm in the same spot you are. But it seems since you came up so suddenly, and with the increased sex and spending, I think it would be worth talking it over with your pdoc. I wish I could live the rest of my life in a hypomanic state. I feel like it would let me make up the lost time for the many years I've spent lying in a darkened room wishing I was dead. But that damn crash at the end is such a killer that I know better. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of hyper-analyzing my mood state all the damn time. I know that's the cost of having this stupid disease, but still I get tired of it. I wish I could just feel good and not be worried in the back of my mind that something may be wrong, again. I hope you can talk this over with your pdoc and figure out if you're in a new episode or not. Good luck to you.
  6. I agree with everything you said, Complicated toad. I have a few very close friends that actually understand that when I say I'm sick, they believe it, and I never get the. "Oh, just snap out of it!" response. I traveled a lot for work so these friends are all in different states, and we don't talk all the time, but when we do I can (mostly) speak my heart. It was very validating when one of them recently said, "I'll never really understand depression." But hearing her say that made me feel like she understands me. Since they're not here, I don't think they realize my complete lack of activity outside of work, and I never want to freak them out or upset them, so I never discuss suicide with them. I save those conversations for my pdoc. As far as functioning, when I'm well, it's easy, and when I'm not, it's a pure act and completely fucking exhausting. As in, I get to work, come home (I live alone), read the paper a little bit and crash. On the weekends, I just stay in bed. This forum is a godsend.
  7. I definitely get bouts of intense rage during depressive episodes. They don't last long, maybe an hour, sometimes a whole day, but always short-lived. When I'm well, I'm on a much more even keel. But when I'm depressed and get pissed off at something or someone, I scream my head off in private, and I live alone so I have the freedom to do so. I've never screamed at anyone, but if someone is infuriating me, such as someone on the phone, I am polite and understanding while on the phone and then when I hang up, I just lose it. This also happens when I'm out and if someone gets under my skin, for instance at the bank, I wait until I'm back in my car and then yell until I feel a bit of relief. My pdoc, who I also see weekly for therapy, seems very concerned when I tell him about these episodes. During one memorable one that happened in my parked car, if I'd had the means with me, I would have killed myself, no question. That, of course, is what's concerning to my pdoc. We've talked about it and both realize those are really dangerous moments for me. Luckily they don't last long and don't happen that often.
  8. Things have come right in the end with my job, at least for the time being. To save you reading this whole thread, here's the short version: I was going deep into the abyss last year and had a terrible year at work, missing a lot of time, screwing up, etc. I started medical leave in November 2019, mainly for depression, but also because I had a knee replacement in December. I had ECT starting in February and got better, and went back to work on May 4, 2020. Shortly after my return, due to my bad performance last year, I was put on a 60 day probation with weekly performance review meetings with my boss and HR, which is what caused me to start this thread in the first place. Although I told my boss right before I went on medical leave that I had bipolar and was in the middle of a terrible depressive episode, at my first performance review meeting I gave both my boss and the HR rep a brief description of bipolar, my experience with it, and how sick I was last year. Now, here's the rest of the story: Not long after starting the weekly performance review meetings, on June 1 the HR rep met with me separately and offered me a severance package of 8 - 12 months, with the stipulation that I had to accept it then; i.e., if I got to the end of the 60 day probation and hadn't done well, I would be cut loose with no severance. I preferred to keep working, but didn't want to take the chance so I accepted the verbal offer, and the HR rep said he had to get approvals, and to say nothing because my boss didn't know about it yet. A few weeks later the HR rep offered me six months instead of 8 - 12 we first talked about, so I asked for more and he said he try to get approval. Then he went on vacation, and I continued weekly meetings with my boss. Even after the HR rep came back from vacation, I didn't hear from him until last Friday, July 19. (The original severance offer was made on June 1.) In the meantime, I completed the 60 day probation period and my boss was satisfied with my work. At the last meeting on July 8 I asked if he knew about the severance offer, and he said he had heard a little, but not much, so I broke my vow of confidentiality to the HR rep and told my boss the whole story. I continued to work on my assigned projects, and I had a few other unrelated meetings with my boss on technical issues which went really well, so that was promising to me. The HR rep finally got back in touch last Friday, July 17, and said he could offer me eight months, instead of his starting position of six months. We had a long talk and I said that since my probation period went well, that I was going to gamble eight months of severance and keep working. It's very strange that HR seems to be driving the bus, instead of my boss and our senior managers, but whatever. After I got off the phone with the HR rep, I immediately called my boss and told him that I would prefer to keep working, forget about last year and move forward, and asked if he was okay with me staying. He agreed to making a fresh start, so I have a job, at least until a layoff that may happen due to the overall economic situation. As you can imagine, that's a huge relief to me, although I'm still a little skittish because I got a lecture from the HR rep that if I screw up at all, I'm out the door. Although my boss didn't say that, I know he feels the same way, so I'm on thin ice. In the meantime, my regular pdoc has increased my Viibryd to 40 mg and that seems to have brought me back up and the terrible inertia has lifted. I'm not all the way well, but I'm a hell of a lot better and functioning again. Now that I know my work schedule, I will set up some more maintenance ECT treatments, and hopefully this will all just become a bad memory. I really like my job and the company I work for - they have taken good care of me and didn't fire me even though I gave them plenty of reasons to, and now they are giving me this second chance. I like the people I work with, I enjoy my job, and we do very interesting work that is technically challenging, so I am rarely if ever bored, which is critical to me. And you'll be pleased to know that last Friday I explained to both my boss and the HR rep about how much ECT has helped me. I'm tired of hiding and all the stigma around mental illness, so fuck it, I am done with pretending. I didn't ask for this stupid goddamn disease so I'm no longer going to try to act like nothing's really wrong with me. I have a serious chronic illness and sometimes I get really sick, and that's just the way it is. I no longer give a shit about who knows, and if anyone wants to talk about bipolar or ECT or meds or whatever, I'm ready to talk. I'm very thankful to have a good job during these tough times, and glad to have this forum to come and tell my troubles to.
  9. I think the empty conference room is a good idea. If people aren't in the office all the time, is there a an empty private office (belonging to someone else) that you could use? Would your boss or HR go to bat for you and ask a private office occupant if you could work there for the few days you have to be there? Some private offices at my work location are big enough that they have both a desk and a small table. Maybe someone would be okay with you using their office if you sat at the table and not at their desk?
  10. Glad your appointment went well. I'm doing weekly pdoc visits (he also does therapy) via Zoom, and I'm not crazy about it, but it's better than nothing. I've not really had the experience of manic shopping, but I'm always fighting hoarding and it's horrible. The years-long depressive episodes means very little ever leaves the house during those times, including me. The inertia of depression may be nearly as bad as the pain, at least for me. My mom was a world class hoarder - I found my Brownie uniform at her house when I was about 35, and I was the youngest, so there was no one she was saving it for. Hoarding is so stressful. When I'm well my house is magazine photo-ready, but when I'm down, it's so embarrassing that I won't let anyone visit. I don't know how you're set for cash, but hiring an organizer was the best thing I ever did, by far. I had been moved into this house about a year, and the movers had unpacked, which means they unbox everything and take away the packing materials, but nothing gets put away. The organizer came in, dove in, and suggested where things should be put, and then she put them there. I was with her the whole time, as is her usual practice, so it's not like she came in and took over and I couldn't find anything later. She was so fast! And by the time it was over with, I had a junk hauler come and take away the trash, of which there was a lot, and also take things for donation. I forget what it cost now, but it was so worth it to me. She completely organized a three-bedroom house with a small garage in a day and a half, and it was a total wreck when she started. I hope you get some empty space soon, no matter how you get there. Actually, I wrote this post while I was taking a break from taking out the garbage. I probably should call the organizer back myself, now that I think about it. I could use some empty space myself.
  11. An update a few hours after I wrote the original post: I called my pdoc's after-hours number and spoke with the doctor on call ( multi-provider practice). She said that if the hospital pdoc thinks I'm stable, it's certainly possible that they would release me before the 72 hour minimum has elapsed, partly due to the extreme shortage of pysch beds in this state and the desire to keep them open for the sickest patients. I'm not sure I entirely believe her, but that's probably just my paranoia. The plan we made together is that I will go to bed early, and call my regular pdoc in the morning and set up an emergency appointment with him, assuming I feel safe. If not, then I agreed I would go to the hospital.
  12. mjs190, I don't have any words of wisdom to impart, but just wanted to let you know that I too am so sick of this fucking disease and overwhelmed by the constant soul-sucking depression. I've not ever been hospitalized, but have definitely lived through the complete mood collapse, job loss, bankruptcy, etc.
  13. Despite being 61 years old, having my first depressive episode in my twenties, dx'ed with MDD at 40, which was changed to bipolar II at 50, I have never been hospitalized, so I have some rookie questions about voluntary admittance due to suicidal thoughts. The hospital I would go to is a regular medical hospital with a decent-sized pysch ward, and here are my questions: Is it likely that I could be admitted directly to the pysch ward, or would I have to go through the ER? My state has a 72 hour minimum mandatory stay length if you're involuntarily committed. I know I need to look at the statute to be sure, but is the mandatory stay time likely to be applicable even if you're there voluntarily? In reading other patient experiences, it seems like it's typical to be in a shared room (although coronavirus may have changed that), and that there are bed checks every 15 minutes all night long. Has that been true for you? I have read that during the day you have to be in the common area, so no daytime naps, and lots of forced socializing, and the TV is on all day. Is that likely to be true? I have also read that cell phones aren't allowed, and you can't bring your own toiletries, or books, or really any private possessions. Is that correct? I understand that I could find a lot of this out by calling the hospital, but I'm paranoid that through the magic of GPS tracking, they would send the cops to come and visit, and possibly take me to the hospital. It would be the same hospital where I have been getting ECT, so they have my records, and know my regular pdoc, although he's in private practice. ECT is back up and running but I'm trying to hold onto my job, so haven't had the luxury of going as much as I apparently need to. (ECT is an all-day activity.) This depressive episode is kicking my ass, and I don't know what to do, which is why I'm seriously considering the hospital. Any input you may have, or hospital experiences you're willing to share, are greatly appreciated. My last comment is that I wish there was some kind of psychiatric urgent care. I know it would be helpful to talk to a professional right now, but I'm not sure I'm ready to sign up for a minimum three day hospital stay.
  14. I went for many years in between therapy, by my choice. I didn't realize the pdoc I started seeing when I moved here three years ago also does therapy, but it's worked out well. I first saw a therapist around 20 years ago, and she in turn sent me to my first pdoc. I wasn't crazy about the therapist, so I quit seeing her but kept on with the pdoc until I moved out of the area. At my next new location in 2000, I first got hooked up with a pdoc, and then found a tdoc. I saw the tdoc for about one year, and after I told him I was suicidal and the first words out of his mouth were, "I wonder if my liability insurance is okay", I left and never went back. That was about 18 years ago, so doing the math it works out to 15 years between therapists. I feel I get a lot more from a pdoc, and I have continuously been under the care of a pdoc since I saw my first one. (I move every few years for work.) I think the most important thing about my relationship with my current p/tdoc is that I can talk about suicide. There's very little I won't talk about with my closest friends, but suicide is the one subject I'll never discuss with them. They know I have a serious MI and have hung in there with me through some bad spots, and I'm sure they realize suicide is a possible ending, but it would be too painful for them to discuss. I like and respect my p/tdoc tremendously, and although I couldn't tell you exactly why my weekly appointments with him help, I'm sure they do. Whether I'll bother with a therapist when I move away from here is an unknown, as the one I've got now will be a hard act to follow. I hope your tdoc turns out to be a keeper.
  15. Steve223, I'm sorry to say I know exactly what you're talking about, and it's a terrible place to be. I'm trying like hell to get out of a bad depressive episode myself, and have all those same thoughts. I am so glad Cerberus is here to share his experience and knowledge. I hope you can soon find some treatment that will bring you out of the abyss. Cerberus, Thank you for your excellent post. It demonstrates the true purpose of the boards in that a reply written in response to another member is so applicable to my current situation, and so helpful to me.
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