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About natatatt

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  1. I've been weaning off my Depakote and Celexa since May (without dr. knowing, bad I know), because I thought I was not Bipolar but had PTSD, and instead relying on ativan, benadryl, weed, and booze. About two weeks ago, I was down to taking them every four days which is when things started to get bad. I've been going through something, I wonder if it is a mixed state: -Tantrums, hitting myself, crying everyday, throwing things in the yard, taking benadryl and ativan to make me sleep throughout the day and night, not eating, muscle tension, racing thoughts, terror, agitation, suicidal thoughts. Anyway, as of 4 days ago, I'm back on Depakote (1000mg) and Celexa (20mg) and staying on the Ativan (trying to not go above 3mg for now) and I have an appointment with my doc this week where I'll come clean. Any advice, or thoughts, or words of encouragement? Could what I am experiencing be related to withdrawal instead of a mixed episode? Could withdrawal trigger a mixed episode? I'm so sick of scaring myself with those DAMN forums where people are in agony of withdrawing from meds and blame it all on meds. I feel like my brain is a soup that just keeps getting messed with.
  2. Can you try and identify certain activities or things that bring you comfort, even if only a bit? Self-care is very important and for some reason has a lot more impact on my psyche if I view it as a tool box and try and stuff it with as much as possible. Showers, baths, certain foods, a safety blanket, chamomile tea, certain websites (what about reading only a good news website? that helped me a lot), certain tv shows, cuddling with a pet, benadryl for sleep if i need it, etc. It all might sound silly and like it won't help. But added up, all the little things that can bring you comfort, even if only a little bit, results in something that will help you ride it out. I really, really hope you feel better and it's absolutely great you reached out for help. One step at a time, you will get through this!!
  3. Thanks for responding It's the anxiety that occurs in relationships. I am just extremely jealous and insecure and I know that it is extremely unattractive to express it and that in the end, you can't change the circumstances anyway. So endless reassurance is pointless and actually makes things worse in the end because I learn to depend on it. So now I just talk around it, and am vague, and have done a really good job of suppressing it by ignoring it. Like I'll actually convince myself that I live in a dream fantasy world where whatever makes me anxious didn't happen/isn't happening so I can continue to see the one that I love. I know my "expectations," (I mean, you can't call it that, because I don't expect it) are unrealistic. I know what hurts me is inevitable and just a part of relationships, but it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, and no amount of people telling me, "Oh well that's normal, people do those things," makes it hurt less. I'm just so stuck. My only hope is therapy which I have had success with in the past with other issues, just have never been brave enough to be able to bring it up. Basically I feel like I have an extremely intense phobia of what most people consider harmless and normal. Which is what most phobias are. I just can't change my mind about it, I can't think my way out of it. I've been trying since I was 18 and I'm 25 now. It's as if I were petrified of, oh I dunno, bananas, and that also being petrified of bananas makes me a pathetic person because a normal person is fine with bananas and if you're not it means that there's something really wrong with you.
  4. It's so triggering for me to talk about specifics. My issue is not of making myself more attractive to others, there are people interested in me. Even someone who is in love with me. But I push them away because I cannot tolerate the insecurity and the pain. I'm really scared to share what my issues are because I know all of the canned responses and all of the traditional advice and it doesn't help. It still hurts. The physical anxiety is the worst. When confronted with difficult situations in which my insecurity and jealousy are triggered I have literally run away from the situation, apologizing profusely, and saying that I can't be with that person. I really hope I can find a therapist that I can be open with and who won't judge me and who won't just think I'm crazy.
  5. Hi everyone This is the first time that I am reaching out on any forum in a long time, let alone about this issue and I'm really nervous. Basically for about 8 years I've had what I think might be some form of social phobia where I struggle with really really bad feelings of jealousy and insecurity around certain people especially, well, if I'm being honest, almost only exclusively when I'm in a relationship. I feel really ashamed of these feelings. Embarrassed, pathetic. The lowest of the low. A couple years ago I pretty much stopped trying to fix it and stopped googling about it and stopped trying to reach out to people about it because people always tell me that I'm being unrealistic, or that I'm just wrong for feeling how I do. Which obviously doesn't help. I really want to be in a relationship but I obsess and ruminate and make myself sick over things that make me feel even sicker than I already am. And I've sort of just realized that maybe I can't be helped and I have to just be alone. It's difficult for me to go into details, even here, with you all, about the types of things that cause me really severe anxiety because I'm pretty sure everyone would just think I'm really messed up and pathetic. I don't know what to do to feel better
  6. This incredibly well-articulated. I have never been able to express it as well as you have just done, nor have I ever read anything that so perfectly describes this whole experience. Thank you for putting my experience into words.
  7. In your experience... 1. How long does it last? 2. Was it ever intermittent throughout a day or weeks? 3. Did a part of you feel like it was psychosis during the midst of it and not reality? 4. What were your psychotic thoughts? 5. What helped them go away, specifically and how long did it take? 6. Did outside influences make them worse, like music, movies, events in your life? 7. Were you afraid? 8. And finally, post psychosis how do you view the experience? Do you live in fear of it coming back? Thank you, I am just trying to make sense of what is the scariest and most confusing time of my life.
  8. Thank you again for your replies. I am hanging in there, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so hopefully I will get on something in addition to the Depakote. I've realized that I haven't had this monster of depression and panic and anxiety treated for the past four months. I took about two weeks worth of Latuda before I had to stop because of side-effects and cost, and the SSRI's just made things worse, of course, as I took them before being diagnosed with BP. So I am hoping tomorrow will be a step in the right direction. Wish me luck and my thoughts are with anyone else having to deal with this stuff.
  9. I am still doing very poorly. This is the darkest period of life, this post-mania depression that I am experiencing. It's the first mania and the first deep, deep depression. I was hospitalized against my will a couple weeks ago which was rough to the say the least. I had never experienced that before. It's been almost four months of suicidal thoughts, of hating myself, of truly believing it will never get better. Of truly believing I have destroyed my life for the rest of my life. I am 23, I want to know I have a good future. I thought I had been suicidal at previous times in my life, if only I knew what being actually suicidal feels like. I can't act on it, of course and I won't. I will just...endure and mourn. That's all I can do. Sob until I have nothing left, recoil in horror at the mess that is my life.
  10. The landscape of my thoughts is a new and foreign one. Still dysfunctional, but I prefer the devil I know.

  11. Hi, I was switched to Depakote, 1000 mg, almost two weeks ago. Strangely, I am feeling less depressed. Not great, but, a little better. I'm still having anxiety and OCD. I was wondering what meds to talk about with my pdoc at my next appointment which would work inline with my bipolar diagnosis. Latuda didn't work, antidepressants make things worse, not a fan of long term benzo use, so what are my options. Seroquel?
  12. I am talking with my pdoc tomorrow. The plan was to increase, so I think we will be doing that. I'm just worried because someone on here said going from 20mg to 40mg of Latuda actually made things worse, but I suppose everyone is different and it's unlikely I'll react that way because one person on this website said that. Thanks for your support guys. I don't know where I'd be without this place.
  13. I am extremely depressed and am wondering how much of it is the depression. Can depression cause you to question everything in your life, such as relationships? Can it truly make you feel like the worst person in the world, and actually believe it completely? Can it make you want to run away? Can it make you pin your pain on something specific? How do I distinguish between my depressive thoughts and my rational thoughts? Can medication truly help? I'm losing hope. I'm in so much anguish, I want to just run away, thinking that will solve my problems. But I don't want to have regrets. It's just so hard to be patient waiting for the medicine to work.
  14. I just don't want to be in so much pain, it's been months and months and months of this. God, have mercy please. Why can't my brain just work? Getting frustrated and angry...

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