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About Zoe

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  1. Thanks for the responses. I guess I didn't really want medical advice just other people's experiences. When I said my md knows nothing I mean she's not so bright about psych meds and did not have much info for me on tapering. Of course I went to her first. I guess I'll stop in at my pharmacy today and see if I can get info there. I think I'll ask her to prescribe me lower dose tablets so I can taper slower. I think I can get 250mg tablets and break those in half and that could slow it down a lot to what I'm doing now. I reinstated the 375mg I stopped yesterday. I felt really not good so I need to make a smaller cut. Thanks, I was just feeling pretty alone in this.
  2. Hey, I've been on Keppra for several years for anxiety and after a hospitalization where I found out it actually causes dependance and that my liver enzimes are starting to go up I decided to taper off. I don't have a pdoc, they're hard to find around here. My md knows nothing. I can't find much info on the web cause everything relates to seizures, which I do not have, nor have ever had. Does anyone know how fast/slow one should taper? I've been just kind of going by how I feel and I'm at my third week now. I've been cutting 375mgs at a time. I started at 2250mgs and I'm now at 1500. I cut another 375 today which brings me down to 1125. I'm wondering if I'm going too fast? Too slow? I've been feeling just fine so far cutting.. mostly just feeling depressed. Today sensory stuff is a little odd. I see things a little funny and feel a little dizzy. Any help/advice/experience would be most welcome. <3
  3. Thanks everyone. LIke I said I don't feel like I can trust my own emotions right now so it probably was just me not him. just when i walked out on tuesday i felt it so strongly and felt like i never wanted to go back. it's so frustrating. i guess i expect him to fix me. i'm just in so much pain right now and nothing seems to make it better. when he keeps suggesting things like taking walks i just want to scream. i just don't even want to get out of bed going outside seems like it would be impossible and i don't think he's hearing me. we talked about antidepressants and i've tried tons of them and they just end up making me feel worse. i appreciate all of your thoughts. it's nice to hear from someone whose been there. thank you.
  4. thank you for your response Chiaroscuro. It's helpful to know someone's listening. <3
  5. Hi, i don' post often so i hope you don't mind. i'm feeling really badly lately. no desire for anything or anyone. just want to sleep and be left alone. i saw my therapist today and told him exactly how i felt. let him know that i do feel suicidal. he seemed annoyed with me. i don't know what to make of this. first he was asking me if i could be safe for a couple days while he "arranged things" whatever that means. i told him i would be for 3 more weeks at least cause i have to be there for someone on march 20th. after that he just seemed annoyed. i can't really trust my own feelings or emotions right now. i just feel even worse since we talked because i feel like i just disgusted him with my whining. god i suck.
  6. Wow, great info guys The only reason I figure she's doing it is cause it was prescribed from my psychiatrist originally. I stopped seeing him and she's been writing the scripts for a few months now. I keep thinking that she's got in the back of her mind that you have to monitor it for people who take it for seizures? I don't know. I like her but she's not the sharpest tool in the shed I guess I will just wait till I see her again. I've been wanting to lower my dosage anyhow but every time I try the anxiety kicks in horribly and I end up going back up. I keep wondering if that's withdrawal or if my anxiety is really that bad. I get no side effects from it whatsoever (thankfully I'm very med sensitive and this is the one med I've found that helps) and no health problems that I'm aware of. Thank you all so much.
  7. For some reason after being on Keppra for about 6 years my gp decided I should have a blood level of it done. Had the test and apparently it's "too high" (have only spoken with her over the phone so I don't have more details than that). I take it for anxiety not for seizures, I don't have seizures. Does this mean anything? I mean I 'll know more after I talk to her (maybe) but I'm asking just so I don't worry. She wants me to have the test redone. I take 2250mg a day. No side effects or anything from it. Should I start taking less now? What does a high blood level do? Am I gonna die? Thanks for any info!
  8. Were the voices inside your head or outside? I hear voices but they're inside and symptomatic of DID.
  9. therapy is killing me. i don't know how much more i can take. it's like i'm living my whole life right now to get to my next session and then everything goes to shit again. i don't remember most of what happens when i see my therapist. but it's like going in there and cutting open a deep infection and letting it drain and then dealing with the pain afterwards. wow that really makes sense to me. that's exactly what it is. this hurts it hurts so bad. i'm trying to face up to some crap that happened in my past and that i don't completely remember. i remember stuff up until a certain point and then it's just gone. i'm starting to remember things though and i don't like it at all. part of me wants to die wants to die in a painful way and i think it's a part that wants me to shut up and not tell not remember anything else so i can't reveal the big freaking secret. i don't know why i'm worried most of my family is dead. i think it's some kind of childhood bond type think not revealing secrets, seems like the worst thing in the world to tell on somebody. what good woudl it do to remember now anyway... not like anyone's alive to be punshined for it... or to say they're sorry even... not that i know who it would be ........ gah. i don't think my husband is going to put up with me much longer. he says he will be here forever no matter what and he will be here for me but how tiresome must it be to put up with my crap. i can't stand being intimate anymore.. the thought of it disgusts me.... i faked it for so many years but i can't do it now. i hate to be touched in any way that's not just friendly.. god i'm sick. i feel like my own body is betraying me. i can't feel things i feel things that don't belong to me......... i cry but it's just tears running down my face with no feelings attatched to them... i think i really truly am going crazy. sometimes i wish i'd just get it over with and stay dissociated forever and not come back ever. course a lot of bad things happpened when i was dissociated like that so its a scary place to be too. i don't know how i'm going to keep it together. i wish i could go to a hospital somewhere that treats this sort of thing and just get it over with. so i'm not alone with it. gdi it's scary. i hate night time
  10. I've been seeking help for this forever. The only things that worked for me was taking DBT classes and finding a med that got some of my anxiety under control (for me it was Keprra believe it or not) The last thing is pretty dumb and I'm probably the only person it works for but I have to pretend death doesn't exist and then put it out of my mind. I can almost get myself to believe it. Weird, i know.
  11. Thanks for the ideas folks. I have an awesome therapist but it's a very small practice so he can't be of any help. There really isn't much around here as it's a very small city and pretty isolated. I'll keep checking back with NAMI i guess. I can talk to my therapist about getting more visits from my insurance. it's blue cross/blue shield no clue if they'd be willing to do more. i was going to a not for profit day program before but as soon as my insurance changed and didn't cover it suddenly that whole "we won't refuse to treat anyone based on ability to pay" thing went to crap.
  12. My wonderful insurance company will only let me see my therapist 20 times a year. I'm very grateful I have insurance at all, yes. I was on medicaid before my husband got his present job and I was able to go to a day program and it was just wonderful. I felt so supported while I went through the horrible pain of recovery. Well, none such luck anymore and I can't find anything else that could help and I feel like I'm really losing control and will probably need to go in the hospital yet again. I'd rather not. I'd rather just be able to get more support. We have a local NAMI and that's the only thing I"ve been able to find. It's not helpful to me though. They have a few free groups but nothing really relevant to me. They have like a bi-polar support group and a family support group of people with mental illnesses. So, any suggestions for free support/therapy? I'm from a rather small city. Thanks for any suggestions.
  13. Thanks, nice not to feel alone. **safe hugs if ok** Yes, they're switchy headaches. The worst I've never heard of anti nightmare meds, I will have to check into that. I am not getting a lot of support through stuff right now. My insurance only covers 20 therapist visits a year so I only see him every other week, that's pretty much it for support. I go into his office, get horribly triggered, don't remember much of what happened (i don't have much co-consciousness) and then spend the next week in chaos.
  14. Thanks for all your experiences. i had lost most of my childhood memories and have been slowly and carefully regaining some. My male parental unit was really odd in that whenever he had a new daughter he would totally act like the older one didn't exist. I have 3 older sisters and he went from one to the other. Once a new girl was born he had nothing to do with the older one. There was a lot more stuff than that but I've been working really hard with my therapist on abuse issues and partial memories I have and just last night my oldest sister told me that he had molested her. I seriously have to get some resolution with this or i'm going to go completely crazy or die. the nightmares and flashbacks and headaches. i am diagnosed with DID (yes, I know a lot of people don't think it's real) and the switching is getting worse and worse. as i get more memories i seem to lose more time. i thought it would be different.
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