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Eurydice

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About Eurydice

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    Member

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  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    Florida
  • Interests
    English, art, history, psychology, coffee, procrastinating, laughing
  1. I didn't like Buspar. I noticed a small difference for the first couple months--my thoughts were a little slower and I felt less compelled to take account of every little thing around me--but overall, it was a dud that my pdoc kept raising for over a year before I demanded off. It got to the point where I would have an hour-long hot flash after taking it and then restless leg symptoms every night in bed, and my anxiety was just the same. I'm on 100 mg of Vistaril now (take as needed), which also gets a lot of mixed reviews, but I've reacted really well to it. It takes the edge off, anyway, so I can function every day and actually relax sometimes. I feel like when I'm on it, instead of being someone who is ridiculously nervous all the time, I am someone who is just a little more prone to anxiety than most people, and I can deal with that. That said, my issue is more chronic anxiety, whereas I've heard that for frequent panic attacks and whatnot, it's not that effective. When I do have panic attacks on this med, I can feel them coming sooner and usually get past them faster than I used to. So there has been some improvement. One of the main reasons I'm not on something stronger like a benzo is because I react very poorly to them. They take away the physical symptoms of my anxiety, but just end up making me cry instead for some reason. I do know people who are on benzos and the like and do react very well to them, so this is not me condemning them in any way...I do know several people who have benefited from them (one of them bipolar) and unless you've had problems with them in the past the way I have, I would keep an open mind to them. Everyone's body reacts differently, though, so it's hard to really give much advice here.
  2. Gotta agree with everyone else. I know it helps with my father's anxiety, but in general, I'd argue that mixing drugs with MI regularly (or at all, depending on the drug) is asking for trouble--on a chemical level, for sure, but you've also gotta watch out for self-medicating. The occasional times I do smoke haven't impacted me, to my knowledge, but I have never been a daily user for an extended period of time, and I can't imagine it would be good for me. It makes me paranoid half the time, and I have a hard time thinking it wouldn't affect my moods.
  3. Lysergia, I actually got a lot out of your post right there. Thanks Ditto. And yeah, we talked about the trust thing last time. It's nothing that he's done, it's just that it takes me a really long time to trust anyone enough to just let go and say whatever comes to mind. Soooo yeah, gonna try to work on that.
  4. So, I do this, and I have been aware that I do this for some time, but my last tdoc appointment led me to realize just how much I do. I'm constantly analyzing everything, tying it all back to the theoretical and abstract rather than seeing the emotional basis for it. And I finally realized the reason I have such a hard time being totally open with my tdoc is because I am constantly trying to stay one step ahead of him, to know what theoretical model he is using and how he's implementing it, what his response will be to something I've said...like, I just plain don't trust him enough to let go and let him take the wheel. So, that's interesting. Not much of a reason for posting this, other than it felt pretty significant to me and I wanted to share it with someone. I'm a little nervous to go back for my next session, but I suppose that's a good thing in this instance. I know a lot of people intellectualize in an attempt to avoid emotions--anyone care to share?
  5. When I'm very depressed, I don't eat because I don't have the energy to get food. When I'm mildly depressed, I binge because eating feels like one of the few enjoyable things I can do. My eating varies when hypomanic...sometimes I'm too wrapped up in a project to break for food, but sometimes I get really excited about cooking and end up making meal after meal for myself. I also binge when I'm feeling physical agitation, which is often a symptom of my hypomania, but also of my more agitated anxiety periods. The thing that's caused me to gain the most weight, though, has definitely been rapid cycling.
  6. I grieved. But I also felt a whoooole lot of contradictory emotions... I was dxed at the lowest point I've ever been, when being on an SSRI by itself was making me go totally batshit. The "official" diagnosis came after months of me researching BPII and basically understanding that I had it. It was weird, though, because I still went through a grieving period at that point. Like I guess the fact that I'd have it forever was a downer. I felt angry at that, too...I didn't want to have to deal with the stigma against BP. Depression is so much easier to explain. But I was also relieved to know there was a name and an explanation for my battiness, that it wasn't due to some failure or weakness on my part. I was excited to get on meds that might actually help...yet also terrified that the dx was wrong and that nothing would help. I was diagnosed recently and I'm still pretty young, so I can't totally relate to what you're feeling. Still, keep in mind that nothing has actually changed. Your actions in the past were no less authentic because of the dx--you're still you. Also keep in mind that finding the right meds will probably be enough of a relief that this will start to matter less. That's how it was for me, anyway.
  7. I had no idea that everyone else also felt guilty for wasting their potential. I thought that was a quirky thing particular to me... I feel guilty about everything...not being enthusiastic about my area of study, being a distant friend, not cleaning my fish's tank, not doing volunteer work, not feeling appreciative of good things...but mostly, the part about wasting my potential or being an emotional burden on my mom.
  8. I finally got rid of my last crappy P-doc--the one who wanted to increase my Zoloft every time I saw him and said, "Hypomania is, by definition, a good thing." New guy kept asking me more details about specifically what I'd been feeling and actually took me seriously when I said I was still having mood cycles. Awesome dude.
  9. notfred, I think that's an accurate description of what I was feeling the other day. It came after a class when I felt handicapped by the trouble I had speaking in class. That said, I don't miss a lot of classes, and I usually do get glowing evaluations--I just really overreact to things. So I guess no problem, right? Like I said, I decided not to tell her. I do genuinely trust that this particular prof would not react negatively to the information, but trust can be misplaced and I really shouldn't test it in this situation. I guess I should clarify, when I said I was frustrated with feeling I have to keep this a "secret," I meant that in reference to my closer relationships. It was a misleading statement, I admit. Most of my close friends (read: people I trust and have known for years--and my trust is hard to earn) know about it and I prefer it that way. Then again, most of my friends are also MI. Just worked out that way. I'm not saying I want to run around telling everyone about it. That would be silly, and, yes, a big breach of boundaries. (Although, when hypomanic, I do have an urge to tell everyone how wonderful I'm feeling, but manage to contain myself.) I am generally cautious. I hide my mood stabilizers and anti-depressants from my roommates. I keep my depressions very private. I use a lot of euphemisms when asked to explain some aspect of my behavior--"I am a nervous person," "I get kind of restless sometimes," "I'm just really tired for some reason," etc. And I would not tell any employer, period. lol that was never even a question in my head
  10. SashaSue, I've put the issue to rest for now because I recognize the truth in what all of you are saying. If there comes a time when I feel safe and comfortable letting her know, if it's ever even relevant, I might just disclose it, but everyone's input has decreased the likelihood of me feeling that way. I appreciate everyone giving me a reality-check, like I said. Sometimes I slip into frustrated moods when I think about having to keep this a secret.
  11. Hey everyone, thanks a lot for all the replies and suggestions. I talked to my professor today after class, but just about my anxiety disorder, which covers a large part of the difficulty I have in school. She was extremely receptive and supportive and understanding about it. After thinking about this more, I'd say you guys are definitely right--going through the disability service would be the way to go. If at some point I feel safe telling my advisor about it, I might, but I'll keep it quiet for now. Ugh, I know this is just self-stigma, but I almost feel like it's wrong of me to go to the disability services about this. I've never failed a class here, even in my worst states, and have only once asked for a paper extension because of my anxiety. With regards to accepting my illness as legitimate and understanding that other people do not have to deal with these problems, this is something I still struggle with. But you've all made really good points and I'll probably take you up on the advice...I meet weekly with a tdoc at the wellness center and will try to get his help in setting that up so I don't back out because of my social anxiety issues, lol.
  12. jt07, are you serious? I can't believe someone would do that. Thanks for the replies, guys. This is something I really needed third party opinion on since I grew up knowing a lot about mental disorders in a non-stigmatized way, and tend to assume that everyone's as understanding about it as I am...
  13. (I'm posting this on the bipolar board rather than the Crazy Student one because my question is specific to bipolar disorder.) I know disclosure is a big issue with a lot of people, in that it's murky territory and you hear both awesome stories and horror stories about people who have disclosed to the right or wrong person. There's a lot of stigma regarding this particular MI...so I'm not expecting a definite answer, just some input. I go to a small liberal arts college where most of the faculty is quite open-minded. My old academic advisor left last year, so now I've got one of my favorite professors instead. I've been taking her classes for two years and haven't spoken much at all--last semester, I was dealing with a lot of crap from my bipolar, and while I passed the class with flying colors (somehow), I know I looked like I never paid attention in class, and it sucks when a professor doesn't understand that I'm trying really, really hard. There are usually 10-20 people in my classes, so it's conspicuous when someone's not participating. Another reason to tell her is that I will probably be working on my senior thesis with her next year. As my thesis sponsor will outline a schedule for me, it would probably be useful to her to know that some weeks will inevitably be better and more productive than others. If she's someone who misunderstands the illness, I can't imagine it would affect my evaluations, since that form of criticism makes bias pretty obvious--it might just make her feel uncomfortable working with me. I'd go through the disabilities services, only I don't really need any accommodations at this point. My meds are working, and I'm mostly stable--for now.
  14. I don't know if this will be any help, but-- My dad felt relief with Lamictal pretty quickly, but as he moved up to a substantial dosage, he began to have head-splitting migraines. As it turned out, drinking Gatorade helped get rid of them most days. Something about the electrolytes. So definitely talk to your doctor but also something like this might help? I don't know.
  15. I felt my mood start to stabilize within the first two weeks at 25 mg every other day. I was still cycling, but less intensely. I went from being hypomanic one week and totally depressed the next to having slightly more energy one week and having one moderately depressed day the next. Now I'm at 100 mg, and though I think I need to go up some more (my pdoc is weird...), I'm in a good place most of the time. My dad is on it, too, for bipolar I instead of II, and he got a huge mood boost, which went away as he settled on a specific dosage. So I guess it works differently for different people.
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