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annabelle 18

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About annabelle 18

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    CA, United States
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    psychology,philosophy,animals,reading,writing,hiking,nature,good food ;) , the sound of wind and rain, music and more
  1. You make some really good points. I do think I definitely agree with the one part above. thanks fo replying
  2. Im taking an abnormal psychology class and studying/discussing/talking about Bipolar disorder triggers episodes. This has happened before. When I confide in someone about it and they actually discuss it with me a few times, I can be perfectly fine then fall into an episode. Its really odd. Does that happen to you?
  3. "You just need a better diet. You have a MILD FORM OF BIPOLAR DISORDER. Im sure a healthy diet and excercise is all you really need" Ugh!!! I used to feel so insecure that I have type II instead of type I because I always felt I wasnt good enough... or bad enough... you know what I mean. Then when I learned that people with Bipolar II tend to spend more time in depression than Bipolar I, I finally got over that. "But whats so bad about your life? do you know how privleged you are?" "You cant use your anxiety as an excuse not to get a job forever." (which I know is true.... I just havent conquered my fear yet.)
  4. I would talk it out with him or find a new psychiatrist. sometimes it takes a few to find one you really click with and thats actually more important than you think. I had a therapist who I finally confided in that I might be bipolar. She didnt think so because I have never had a manic episode and so I wrote it off for a couple years. My first psychiatrist was good with the medication but really abrupt every time I went in for a visit. It was like he listened to my symptoms, wrote a prescription and wanted to get me out of there in under 10 minutes. I stuck with him for almost two years then finally switched. I felt bad that I wanted to switch and I didnt want to offend him but it really was a good decision. Finding the right person for you is crucial! I wish you the best of luck
  5. The longest I have stayed up was 2 and 1/2 days. I started seeing little movements in the corners of my vision the last hour or two. I have never seen things in my life so it was a bit startling. I actually wasnt hypomanic, I just was so depressed I wanted to make myself suffer. I guess im a little twisted that way ps. I love that you thank people when they comment. that is so nice of you
  6. There has been a family member that I currently live with that is driving me crazier than I already am. He was recently in the hospital for suicidal ideation (but they released him after two days because they knew it was a cry for help) so I feel like I cant express my anger with him. I spent 6 days in a hospital for being extremely suicidal years ago and it really upsets me that he isnt taking any of it seriously. I do think he is having problems with anxiety and depression but he isnt even trying to take care of himself. Its not because he is depressed, its because he is unwilling to change his lifestyle. I have struggled since early childhood but practically never acted out for attention. I always kept things to myself or confided in a few people. He on the other hand, has been telling everyone and had SO many people visit him in the hospital. It makes me very very very angry. That is a short list of things that bug me. I really want to be sympathetic but I cant. Im just so mad and I cant express that to him for fear he actually is mentally/emotionally unstable. This builds up and burns.I cant sleep right and its making me even more irritable. I am just filled with such anger some nights that I lie in bed for hours imagining confrontations with him. My blood pressure goes up, my heart races, and I even sometimes shake with anger. I have even come close to having a panic attack. Does anyone have any advice on how to get sleep when angry thoughts are racing through your head?
  7. I have noticed this trend for years. I get either breifly hypomanic, really anxious or just agitated.... either way, I definitely have racing thoughts. Its unusual.
  8. Back after a VERY long break. Despite how great this site is, I was hoping I wouldnt come back.

  9. Ugh. This is exactly me right now. Its only one week into the semester, Im taking only 3 classes and im already slacking off. Like you said, I feel fine. errr the only reason im not fine is because of how f-ing mad I am at myself for doing this EVERY semester. The only thing that gets me to do my schoolwork is to do it in the school library. If a computer is required, I use theirs so I know I wont get caught up watching youtube videos or looking at other unneccesary things. That isnt enough though.... I need to get it together. Ughhhh. Im glad someone else has the same procrastination issues as I do.
  10. ohhh okay. that actually sounds really helpful. if I had money and time to take a break from my life to do that I probably would. was it specific to something such as an eating disorder, depression, etc?
  11. going to stay with an "if-you-pray-everything-will-be-better" relative for a week soon. Thank god she has only seen hints of my craziness.

  12. enlightened_plutonian: thats really interesting. I dont know if you have heard of this but there is a group of people who believe that they have 'souls' with extraterrestial origins and call themselves starseeds. there are many websites with people claiming to be one. it is really detailed and fascinating. its really hard sometimes because maybe there is such a thing as starseeds but how many of them are delusional and how many arent? religions and spirituality are probably very complicated when it comes to mental illness on a side note: so sad pluto isnt a planet any more. it was always my favorite too haha
  13. Humanoid: what is residential? is that the same as inpatient? yeah I can put up with hugs too depending on the person and situation. I always feel awkward when relatives that I rarely see come down to visit and I am almost required to hug them. its nothing against them at all and I hug them anyway, its just uncomfortable. I am always a little jealous that my dad and brothers get away with the "manly" handshake/half hug from other male relatives hahaha. crowds stress me out as well. lines dont as much depending on how packed they are. im okay unless the person turns around to talk to me. its when I am faceing someone who is facing me that really bothers me. and sitting close to other people. I didnt realize until recently but I always choose the sides of the classroom so I dont have people sitting on either side of me. its very odd. HAHAHA yes!!! I think every person has an element that they sortof connect with. it is just some people that Really strongly connect with theirs. I defintiely feel connected with the wind. I have talked to a few people about that because I find it interesting. I dont get much judgement on that most of the time. I am a little weird about elements/nature/animals sometimes so my friends expect it
  14. I used some smaller bits of things you quoted below and I put it in navy blue text. I have never been sexually abused and never thought I was born the wrong gender but I agree with the rest of your feelings/thoughts in that paragraph. I have on and off been thinking that I might be asexual but like you, It doesnt feel quite right. I have only experianced hypomania and not full blown mania so I have not experianced that. However, on a few occasions during hypomania It would start out just feeling "good" and I tried to associate it with something in my surroundings. so once or twice I met a guy at school and the beginning hyper/good feeling would, in my mind, attatch itself to him and I would think maybe I just had a huge crush on him. I would have the confidence to talk to this guy and even flirt in a very subtle way. I. do. not. flirt. lol (later the hypomania would get worse and I would realize what it was). embarassing haha so glad highschool is over. "I went further into myself and this asexuality thing, couldn't even stand to look at myself in a mirror without clothes, showers were just...ugh" ohmygosh! I feel the same exact way!!! I was a little afraid to post it though haha so im really glad you said something about that. It is just so weird. I can also relate to what you said about doing something bad (in your case restricting your eating) but you do it anyway because your body feels so wrong to you. I couldnt do the not eating thing though. when I was really hypomanic once I went the whole day without eating a bite of anything because I just didnt want to and I felt HORRIBLE the next day. I woke up at 11 (slept in because the last few nights I had hardly slept) and was shaking and weak. I couldnt handle it. in my case I used to/still struggle with self harm. I bruised myself and bit myself as a kid but it kindof went away until I was 17 then started cutting that has lasted on and off until now (Im almost 20). It is a mix of the emotional aspect of self-harming to the mind-body issue of not wanting a body. "I have times when I look in the mirror and think "Who is that? That is not me," because I don't feel recognition to my outward appearance. I try everything I can to connect to it, alter things, scrutinize little details... It just feels so hopeless because I know I can't get out of this body. I was actually thinking about this situation a little while ago, and just started writing and I came up with "Do you ever wish you could just crawl out of your skin, leave your imperfect mind and body behind and wander free?" I would give anything to get out I can't stand a lot of physical sensations, I feel on edge a lot of the time, wish I didn't have this shell to live in. Sometimes I just lie in bed and cry because I don't feel like I should exist, at least not as a human. I feel more like I should be some kind of spirit, something that doesn't have a physical manifestation, something that can move freely and without restriction." I can relate to that 100%. its a little scary how similar we feel on this. on the part about physical sensations: I dont like people touching me really and occasionally am jumpy about it.I also have personal space issues..do you? I know this may be irrelevant but do you feel really connected to the wind element? I always feel a little more at peace when outside by myself when it is slightly windy. that may not be related at all but it is something I have noticed. maybe it is just the free quality of the wind that attracts me. im glad you said you were about to cry because I got somewhat emotional reading what you wrote and felt like I was being overdramatic. I never thought I would find someone else who understood either. Thankyou SO much for replying. It truly means more than I can say (okay now I really do sound overdramatic )
  15. Enlightened_plutonian: thankyou for replying. I see what you mean. okay so good to know it isnt psychosis (everyone seems to agree it isnt haha) but as it is really stressing me out, im glad to hear from you and a few other individuals that I should bring it up again in therapy. By the way, I have seen you post other places here and I have been dying to ask this: How did you come up with your name? I love it Gizmo: I have explained my dissociation other times and asked my tdoc if it was depersonalization and she seemed to think that if I didnt feel completely out of body as if I was actually looking at myself then it wasnt depersonalization. I was going to bring it up to Pdoc but I had other things that took priority at the time.
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