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maydays

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About maydays

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    Member

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  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    Canada
  • Interests
    Sleeping, Comics, Design, Sitting Still

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  1. I find that if I don't interact with people for too many days, I start ruminating very badly. Isolation does very bad things to people. I haven't been pushing myself to go outside and talk to people very hard lately, so now it's becoming even harder to look people in the eyes and to make small talk. I also tend to miss signals that people DO like me and want to know me. You probably feel left out when you make attempts at friends but it doesn't work out the way you had hoped. Do not give up. People notice the good in others even when they cannot see it themselves. I am a terribly lonely person. I have one good friend, who is actually my ex, so it's complicated, but having someone outside my family to talk to is important. If you are kind and patient, even if you do not talk much, people will appreciate you. Keep trying, gently and patiently, and one day you may find someone that you are happy to call a friend. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself.
  2. Hi there. My (only) friend is in his cousin's wedding party and he invited me to go along. He will be wearing a fancy suit. I tried on a dress for him last night and he wasn't really into it. He suggested I wear dress pants and a blouse instead. The problem is then I won't match him, but if I wear the dress I'll spend the whole night thinking it looks horrible on me since I got a poor reaction from my "date". I also have to cab there alone. What do other people with social anxiety do when they have to go to big events? I can't skip because it means a lot to my friend and my family that I see this commitment through. And it will probably mean a lot to me that I went afterwards. I'm just so afraid that I won't fit in or be good enough, or that I will have a panic attack, or that I will bail out. I don't feel pretty. I've spent a lot of time alone and depressed. I am pasty white, I haven't had a haircut in a year, I don't have long fingernails, and I'm even wearing broken, very old glasses because my nephew broke my proper ones. I just feel like a bum that doesn't deserve to go. I really want to do this and succeed, but I don't know how. Can anyone help me?
  3. Change for me is one of my biggest pitfalls, although occasionally change triggers a high point in my life. When I got a job a few years ago, my life really started taking off, and I met with a lot of positive change that really helped me to love my life and enjoy it. Later on, when the dynamics of my office changed with new people and a new location, things took a dive. When you foresee a big change coming in your life, make sure that you prepare for both possibilities. Check your support network. Are there counselors where you're going that you can access? What can you do if you get stressed out? How heavy can your workload be during this time of change? Are there going to be people you know and trust within reach? The absolute best advice I can give for change is to be prepared. I used to have a very good memory. I found that after about the age of 26 I started losing big sections of my memory. I often confuse facts like time, place, who I was with, or when it happened. I have an especially hard time relating my life story to new counselors now because I can't piece together which year certain events happened and in what order. When I was 26 I started having a lot of changes made to my medication. I ended up on a high dose of Valproic Acid for awhile. It really messed with my memory, dreams, and speech. When I went off of it things improved slightly, but now I am on Effexor and my memory, speech, and concentration is at an all time low. I talk so slowly and stutter so much in therapy that my counselors tend to get annoyed and start finishing my sentences for me, just to move things along... I have heard that those with BPD often have difficulties with memory, so that in combination with medication side effects can leave some pretty nasty gaps in your ability to recall things.
  4. Never feel badly about your height. I'm petite. I'm five feet tall and I used to weigh 100lbs. I only date shorter men because they fit me better in all ways. I don't want to be dwarfed by my lover. I have never viewed shorter men as any less masculine or inferior in any way. People are simply different heights, just as they have different features. It is not a statement on who you are as a person. I can't see medication helping this particular issue. You have to work on accepting things about yourself that you cannot change. Try talking to friends you have that are also shorter in height. See how they feel about their height. You might find that it isn't as problematic as you feel it is at this moment.
  5. Wow, thank you! That is some very interesting information, and I did not know about the Jaydess. This definitely gives me some more points to discuss when I go for my appointment. I'm still on the fence. I've had such bad luck with other birth control that I'm very wary of IUD's.
  6. I suffer horrific periods. They cause me a lot of pain. The biggest difficulty however is my mood before and during. I become profoundly depressed. I mean don't-get-out-of-bed-for-a-week depressed. Suicidal depressed. I cannot stand it. My entire life shuts down once a month. Combined with my rapid mood cycling with borderline, it's a hell storm. I have tried every brand of birth control available to me. Every single one has made me go off the rails. My doctor has written me a prescription for the IUD Mirena, claiming that because it releases different types of hormones, it shouldn't mess with my head. She has left the decision in my hands with very little information. The internet isn't that reliable for proper information, but what I have found has not sounded promising. Has anyone else, who is specifically borderline tried any IUD before? Did it make you nuts? Did it make you fat? Is there even such thing as birth control that doesn't ruin your life?
  7. I'm being treated for anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I switched from Escitalopram to Effexor last October. I also take Lamotrigine and Seroquel (as a sleep aid). Since I started Effexor I have had a significant increase in the overall quality of my mood. I felt happiness more often. My depression didn't get as dark. I felt suicidal less often. However, since starting Effexor I have had side-effects that I cannot stand and are getting worse. I have acne for the first time in my life, at 27. I gained 15 lbs and I cannot reduce it. I retain water like crazy, my hands and feet are always swollen. My anxiety has gotten worse and I am nervous about things I have never worried about before. I feel edgy and tense all the time. I feel very depersonalized and unable to relate to people. I don't feel the real desire to do things. I feel very flat, hollow, and apathetic about many things. The worst side-effects are memory loss and an inability to concentrate. I constantly drop words, forget names, forget why I am at certain places, and so on. I used to have a very good memory, but now I cannot recall many experiences, or else I cannot get the dates straight, or the people. I cannot work or get anything done at all in just one day because I have no attention span. I cannot concentrate on one thing. I do activities during my day in spurts of about 20 minutes. Most things don't get done and eventually get forgotten. I am useless for anything productive. ~ ~ ~ I will be having a medication evaluation with a psychiatrist this week. I will be talking to them about the mystery of why I am still on Lamotrigine when no one knows who put me on it or why, but I also want to stop Effexor and try something else. The problem is that I have heard of Effexor being a very difficult drug to stop. I have only been on it for 8 months. However, I am also enrolled in mental health programs aimed to help me with my problems, which will require me to be stable enough to handle, as well as able to get out the door. Is it worth it to stop Effexor and try something else, or should I try to stick it out longer until my programs are done?
  8. Can you be happy if you let go of your only friend, an addict ex boyfriend that hangs out with you because he feels sorry for you and because you are the only person that knows his secrets so he can be not-lonely and comfortable at the same time, and you still love him but he doesn't think of you that way anymore... can you be happy without that person? Can you be happy without a friend you can see in person when you have no job and no full time therapist and you live with your mother and you are almost 30? It feels like everyone is dead and you're the only person left alive and that's just how agonizing it is. Fuck. I'm almost thirty and I don't have a friend. Fuck borderline. Fuck whatever it is that's making me this way.
  9. I am not where I used to be. I am not where I want to be, but I am doing better than I was. That's something worth counting.

  10. Thank you very much! This kind of makes it make more sense now.
  11. I've been looking online and reading through forums but for some reason I am having trouble understanding exactly how to use diary cards. I don't have my own therapist or group yet but I am working on it (waiting lines...) I was wondering if any one can explain it to me like I am a complete idiot. I don't know why I am having a hard time catching on, I just am.
  12. I know the med boards have oft-repeated threads but I'm starting my own because my experience is something that I need to relate in my own topic... if that makes sense... And things change, people come and go, etc. so I'd like to hear from people currently instead of just combing through old threads on Seroquel (which I have done). Anyhow... My diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. I suffer deep, deep depression and currently have un-managed anxiety. I take 100mg Lamictal 2x daily and previously Ciprolex 20mg daily. As reference to my dosage, I'm 27 and weigh between 100 lbs and 110 lbs (fluctuates frequently) at five feet tall. Today I stopped Ciprolex and started on Effexor. I was given 25mg Seroquel to be taken nightly as a sleep aid. I never sleep at night because I get very sad and awful thoughts at night so I prefer to stay awake and I simply can't fall asleep anyway. I usually take Sleep-eze and once in awhile it actually kicks in and I sleep (but I won't be taking it anymore now that I have Seroquel). The past year I have had massive difficulty in concentration, slight problems with paranoia (mainly because I hate being alone at night), problems with my kidneys hurting when I lay down and having to use the washroom about 15-20 times each night (no doctor has looked at this yet, I lost my kidney function when I was a toddler but got it back, and this problem isn't new I have had it off and on my entire life), and I also have restless legs and occasional electric shock feelings in my right thigh and foot. Last night I took my first dose of Seroquel and I had an absolute nightmare of a night. I was already agitated and over-tired when I took it. I became extremely paranoid and had a hard time remembering where I was and what was going on. I had to put my dog in his kennel because his sudden movements scared the life out of me. Any noises I heard made me jump out of my skin and it took me forever to convince myself I was safe in my own home in my own bed. The entire right side of my body became restless. I used to get frequent tremors and uncontrollable movements when I first began valproic acid a couple of years ago, and I also experienced it last night with the Seroquel. My right hand, right leg, and right foot had a constant sensation of an electric shock running through them, and partially on my left side but less frequently and less severely. The electric feeling hasn't gone away yet. It feels like I'm hooked to a wire in my right palm that extends up my arm, down my right side and leg, and comes out the sole of my foot. Because of it I can't relax. I cannot concentrate at all since I took it yesterday and my anxiety is also slightly worse. All I'm wondering really is if this is normal, if it is a good idea to continue, and if these symptoms usually persist or if they go away after a certain period of time. I hate the state it leaves me in because I feel like I have no control over my body and I'm too tired to do anything but too agitated to be able to fall asleep.
  13. Thank you very much for your comments everyone! Today was my first day of work. It didn't go as good as hoped. The company and my coworkers are friendly, but I just couldn't get past my anxiety. I decided not to return to the job and asked them if they offer contract work instead. At the moment, I think I'm starting to learn that I'm not ready to work, I'm just too sick right now. I took some suggestions into mind and I spent a few panic waves in the washroom or counting breaths. I just can't concentrate well enough when I'm getting through my anxiety to be able to do any work at all! I spent a good chunk of my day just staring at code wondering what I was doing.
  14. Last month I wrote a post about losing my job from panic attacks. After a month of searching and preparing, I managed to secure a new job as a website developer for another small company. There are not many options in this city for this type of work, so I really need to make this one last! The deal is that I will be working on a three month contract as a front-end coder to pick up the slack for backed-up projects. I'm confident in my abilities as a developer and I feel like being away from the designing end of things will give me a chance to do something more structured and less stressful than having to squeeze out creativity during a high-anxiety period. If in the next three months I prove myself a worthy investment for the company, my contract will end and I will gain a full time permanent position. The office holds about eight employees, all young women with the exception of one who will be the lead I work under. This will be a first working in a female-dominated environment. I get along fine with people, male or female, so I am not afraid, I just don't know what to expect on that front. I don't know if there is a difference working with mostly women compared to working with men. I am more comfortable working in a semi-private location that is still close to the action of the office. This particular office has no such arrangement. I will be working in a completely open (and small) space so it will be difficult to find a quiet place if I need a break from the noise. My coworkers have been descried as 'close-knit' so it is imperative I fit in and mesh well with the personalities of each person. I need to blend in to the dynamic of the workplace, there is no room to be disconnected or quiet. In order to help combat my fears, I have been to the local mental health clinic for assessment. I was told I was being given 'urgent status' on a waiting list for two group therapies. I was told to expect up to two months to be contacted for one, and a few weeks for the other. I have not heard anything since then. I was not given any further information about the groups or their location, nor was I given contact information. I saw a new doctor recently and he has put in a referral for a psychiatric assessment of my mental state and my current medications (which I know are not working for me right now). Although progress is in the works, I still do not have any form of therapy and my medication is not under control. I am basically floating without any help whatsoever. What I would like to know is how others cope with work. What type of interim solutions are there for people who have no choice but to carry on with a normal life without any aids? Although there may be a little more flexibility at this company because it is small, I will still need to show up every single day (historically a difficult point with me), I will need to be calm in the face of my coworkers, and I will need to be fit to complete my work within given deadlines. I would really like to have anti-anxiety medication to help me while I wait for my psychiatric assessment, but the most recent doctor I have seen did not want to touch my medication himself, and a previous doctor I saw wanted to have my previous health records first (but my previous doctor has a policy against releasing her notes and will not do so). Is there a way to get a prescription, from these doctors or elsewhere, to help me? Any comments are valuable and appreciated!
  15. I got fired but they called it 'quitting' because I couldn't make it in to work the next day, so they said it meant I quit as per their agreement. I tried getting my job back but they rejected me. Right now I'm at a loss for what the heck to do about the rest of my life. I have no money, a $1k/mth apartment to pay for, and I'm scared to even apply anywhere else because I don't want to get the same treatment and make myself feel even worse for having trouble. Who would even hire someone like me? My last job I was dating my boss. The job before that I was dating my supervisor (and he was just a kid, really). The job before that my boss was sexually harassing me but kept me on because I wasn't any trouble and he was messed up too. Any other jobs in between I was either fired or quit because they couldn't accept that I wasn't a normal employee. I wonder sometimes, when I look through the ads, who gives jobs to people with anxiety and depression and personality disorders? They certainly don't want me...
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