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  1. when i really buckled down and quit, i stayed clean for over two years. but the past couple years i've been on again off again. I only start doing it again when things get really bad and then usually only end up SI-ing once or twice, then i stop again for a few months.
  2. so i'm a little (okay, a lot) confused about my sexuality. no, not the confusion you'd think, I don't think I'm gay or bi or really anything other than straight (wrong: i could accept "bicurious" actually, probably a 2 on Kinsey) but a deep seated confusion about what I want out of my sexuality/sexual relationships. I'm an 18 year old female. I am a freshman in college. I have never had a long-term or even short-term anything that could be called a relationship. in fact, i've never hooked up with the same person more than twice. in general, i'm "dry" for a while, then decide i feel like hooking up with someone, then i do so. then, I feel guilty. but a weird kind of guilty. I don't feel used or anything, i usually do the "using" and i push people away and i don't want anything more than a one time thing and have resorted to bitchy methods of getting this across to slower "suitors." I do feel guilty about that, but i do it anyway. I feel weird and kind of ashamed that i've given in to sex with a relative stranger, or initiated it. yet, i whole heartedly condone this casual attitude when i'm not doing it. i'm pretty positive that i don't want anything more than that. I think it is because i do not like mixing physical and emotional intimacy. I do not like telling people about myself, i don't like getting emotionally involved in people. so i push away people i've interacted with sexually in case they want something more. i don't know if i'm just classically "scared of getting hurt" or something else. but the guilt killlls me. I feel terribly every time i do it. i don't want to come out of my room, and i don't want to see the guy. but i still do it. and i hate when guys i'm with are "nice" to me. if they tell me they really like me or that i'm really pretty or that they respect me, it annoys me to no end! i get angry if they try to call or text me later, even if its just "how's your day going?" why?! physically, I am pretty horny a lot of the time. I think or daydream about hooking up with people a lot. I just generally don't act on it. yet, when i do, i never really enjoy it. i hate holding hands, intimate cuddling, i don't really even like kissing. activity on the downstairs front can "feel good" like i think its supposed to but also i'm very neutral about it. i'm literally starting to think i'm the most sexual asexual person alive, i can't even make myself "feel good" either. any ideas on what this is? anyone else like this that can give me tips to get out of it, or deal with it?
  3. Thank you, all of you, for your replies. Damik, you should be a motivational speaker because that was beautiful and not cheesy at all, like a lot of speakers are. I, too, would do it partially to have a physical example of inner pain. I've been using my scars for that for a while now, and because my inner pain still exists, I still want the physical. So I'm not sure where to go from there. And I agree with you, Heathrr, about wanted to see where i've been/wanting others to see. I like the proof that I did do it, and I like knowing it was past tense. I don't want to forget that it all happened, I obviously don't want to go through it again, but I like the reminder. It worries me that the reminders are fading.
  4. As I near my 2-years-clean anniversary, I find myself even more conflicted about my scars as I was previously. Most have started to fade, to a point that I'll wear tank-tops and shorts without too much worry. I mean, I do feel rather self-conscious of them and am uncomfortable about being asked, but that doesn't happen too often anymore. But now that I have no new ones to worry about or work on keeping covered, I'm starting to miss the ones that have faded almost completely. I both want to make more so I can see them and remember how awful I felt having to cover up all the time. I find myself subconsciously touching them all the time, in a sickly nostalgic way. I think this conflict is further compounded by the fact that I'm at a new school, where nobody knows about my SI past, so I won't be "suspected" of anything should I do it again. I'm half excited to have a clean slate so I can say I never did it here, and half wanting to do it again because it is a new place and it would be easier to "get away with." Any helpful hints to decrease the scar-lust or the need to f up a fresh start? thanks, M
  5. i have three friends that know about my cutting. and we're so close i feel too guilty not to tell them every time i cut. Knowing how it hurts and disappoints them is enough to keep me from doing it 90% of the time. Being terrified i will mess up and need stitches again covers the last 10%.
  6. i once had my blood drawn by a nurse in short sleeves, with obvious SI scars on her left arm. But the thing is, they were only that obvious very close up and I'm more susceptible to notice, having my own scars. How often to people focus on other peoples' arms? I wear short sleeves a lot now (though never sleeveless, my shoulders havent faded quite enough yet for me to be comfortable) and though there are still scars there, nobody has ever asked about them or obviously noticed. I do tend to position my forearm away from peoples' line of vision but I've found that once you start getting used to it, you feel much less self-conscious every day. Its also important to remember, you're hyper-aware of your own scars, they always look worse to you because you know they are there and you want them not to be. I've asked a few close friends and they have assured me that my scars are less visible than i think they are.
  7. it affects her sleep, and creates a lot of anxiety during the day, though she is still highly functional. she doesn't like therapists etc. and no of course not! haha
  8. One of my close friends has recurring Foniasophobia ( fear of murderers etc.) and I am looking for a way to help. Does anyone have any ideas what I can do to help her? I don't want to "therapize" her and I don't want to say the wrong thing and make it worse for her, but I do want to support and help her through this.
  9. i recently visited a new doctor, a primary care dr but who does other things. she suggested i start a regular regimen of IV amino acids.. which is exactly what it sounds like. I'm hooked up to an IV for 1-2 hours and get filled with amino acids. does anyone else do this/has heard of doing this? opinions? it seems a little radical and excessive to me...
  10. i was just diagnosed with BP this year, and i'm 16. I'd been labeled as MDD since i was 12. Too early to see if BP is right (once i pass all these angsty teenage years) but it seems to fit much better. i'm not sure what to vote because while an early dx (if right) could definitely head off some nasty years, i think BP is overdiagnosed as it is. adding constantly changing children into the mix could create a lot of unnecessary dxs.
  11. my "relationship" history is a series of manic hookups. with one or two depressive hookups (didn't matter to me if i did or not so i went along with it) i don't dooo long-term or even short-term actual relationships. i don't trust and i'm not stable enough to get along with someone physically AND emotionally for very long at all. maybe some day...
  12. i've managed somehow to mask my depression with a more manic-y "personality", so when i'm actually manic its just my "normal personality" exacerbated. so yes, im considered high-energy, crazy-spontaneous, no attention span, etc. but i think thats better than people seeing me when i'm depressed. and if i ever slip up and let that side come through, i can easily play it off as being "reaalllly realllly tired" ~M
  13. i'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of it! i definitely agree with y58 about the alternatives board... i've found some great stuff in there. you could try throwing away that bigger blade? it may to hard to do but it could take away the temptation for deeper cuts for a little bit. and make sure you're cleaning/taking care of the cuts well too! the deeper they are, the more you need to baby them to prevent infection and worse scarring. good luck! ~M
  14. i have planned out my funeral before (i'm 16 too) but it was centered on when i was in a suicidal rut. is yours like that or just a hobby-type thing (albeit strange)?
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